The reason I reset my Tony counter.

I probably don’t need to explain too much how seeing that picture on Instagram made me feel. There was a lot going on in my head. I’d also been drinking and not that I ever use it as an excuse, but it absolutely reduced my impulse control.

I hadn’t contacted Tony about anything for a week after our last night together, nor had he reached out to me. We hadn’t texted, hadn’t even “liked” anything on Instagram (he’s on Twitter but neither of us are active there).

But in my hurt and anger, I did something which is now uncharacteristic – I sent a text in anger, something along the lines of:

“Wow, from my bed to “love birds” within a week? Nice. Makes me wonder whether I’ve been played the fool.”

I watched the blue text bubble and had mixed feelings when “delivered” showed up underneath. Pleased I wasn’t blocked, then regretful for what I sent. I knew it was in anger. As I thought more about it, I knew there was really nothing could Tony could do or say.

I debated what to do. I really didn’t want to have a dialogue. I knew I needed my space. I decided to send a follow up text the next day – a partial apology, with nothing open ended. But it didn’t go through.

I was blocked.

It’s funny how things work. I didn’t want have a dialogue with him. I knew I needed silence. I had contemplated blocking him. But the moment he had the nerve to block me? What the hell right does he have?

I understand the ridiculousness of it. Perhaps its needing to be in control. Its definitely hubris (see: prior post).

::

I’m going to fast forward to the outcome a few days later. After much internal debate, I sent him an email that said, effectively, please let me know when you have decided to un-block me.

I got the following email in return:

Subject: Your text message got you blocked

Message:

not sure what you want me to say – the text I received after an instagram post that I had no control over – other then the fact I was in a bird costume – really set me off

“played for a fool” – what are you talking about??? – honestly it really hurt – I cant keep reassuring you of your importance to me – I’m done doing that 

I am not having the best time / month right now – I need to focus on trying to make my home life be palatable without having to control any frustration I’m feeling towards you – much less take it out on people who had nothing to do with it 

You told me not to contact you for a while – I didn’t realize that gave you free reign to message me whenever you saw something on someones social media (not even mine) that upset you – FYI those are just pictures with captions and might not capture how someone is actually feeling  

I need a bit of time to cool off 

– I’m not sure what else you want from me or what else there is to say right now 

He was right. 100% right. I debated whether to reply, because while I didn’t really want to engage in debate or dialogue, I knew I was in the wrong to send that text. I also knew it wasn’t anything he had done wrong that made me so angry – it was what I held in my own head. It took me over an hour to write, but I sent this back:

I’m well aware what got me blocked.

I sent you a text afterwards to apologize, which never got to you. Regardless of how seeing that picture made me feel and what it meant to me, I wasn’t right to lash out. I’m sorry.

I just want to clarify something – I didn’t mean to imply I doubted my importance to you and I’m really sorry if that’s how it came across. I have zero doubt how you feel about me and how important I am to you.

Bottom line is I chose to believe a certain narrative about your relationship, and that was shattered when I saw that picture. It doesn’t really matter whether my version was right or wrong. But since you told Mary you were moving back, I justified my choice to stay engaged with you by telling myself she couldn’t possibly believe you were romantically in love with her.

I don’t know how else to say that, I’m trying to choose my words carefully (this email has taken me forever to write), because ultimately it’s not about anything I think you did or didn’t do. It’s not about the seemingly endless debates I’ve had in my head about how much you’ve actively promoted that belief versus being passive. You aren’t responsible for what I chose to believe.

But I was washing all the lingerie I wore from our nights together, and I saw that photo on my search page (thanks for the recommendation, Instagram), and all of the things I’ve feared true about your relationship with her hit me, hard. My carefully crafted version of things which let me continue with you was destroyed.

Yes, it is just a picture and yes, I know you didn’t post it and yes, I know that there are lots of unhappy people who look really happy online. But in that moment, I felt deceived, horribly guilty, angry, and very, very, foolish.

I didn’t write the above because I need to have a dialogue with you about it, I guess I am hoping you will understand. I also hope it’s really clear from my words that I don’t hold you responsible for what I chose to believe or how I felt when I saw that picture.

And finally, I hope you accept my apology. You’re right, I don’t have free reign to ask for silence from you and then stomp my foot when I’m hurt. I know breaking up is the right decision for me, and I also know it will mess up my innards for a while when I see things that make me think you’re on the path I thought I wanted to be on with you. But you won’t hear about it from me again.

I need space and some time to heal. I need time to get out of the habit of reaching out every day when I want to share all those little and big things. I can’t lean on you the way I have for so long.

I suppose I can understand why you may keep me blocked but I hope you don’t. I will be silent for a while. Hope you get some sunny days soon.

I asked him to acknowledge receipt of that email, which he has now done via email. He said he will unblock me on Monday. He said he will owes me a “proper response”. I don’t think he does, I don’t know what there is to discuss that we haven’t gone through over and over and over and over again.

I have no intention of texting him on Monday. I meant what I’ve said here and to him: I need space and I need time to heal. I need to move on. While I’m always curious, I also hope he doesn’t send that “proper response”, because silence is better.

So I reset my counter back to the night I sent that text message. If I can’t be honest here, where can I be?

19 thoughts on “The reason I reset my Tony counter.

  1. I honestly don’t know what to say about Tony at this point, but know this: I only want you to be happy, Ann.
    So do whatever you have to do to make that happen.

  2. I probably have the unpopular opinion, but I think you have every right to be upset, and I hate that he made you feel you had to apologize. YES, he went from your bed to playing “lovebird” and it did piss you off, and you have the right to your feelings. His email annoyed me so very much. Ugh.

    Sorry. I’d promised myself not to butt into people’s lives, but I hate that you keep being the one who feels at fault and he keeps getting and wasting chances to–if not be happy with you–at least show he has balls.

    • Hi Sotia! You’re welcome to butt into my life… I wouldn’t be writing here if I minded. I don’t apologize for my feelings, I agree I had a right to them, and I had a right to be angry – but at this point I’m mostly angry with myself. I do regret sending that text because there was no real point to it – I could have just voiced my frustrations here or with friends. And please know, I ABSOLUTELY hold him accountable for his actions – all of the deceit and lies and ridiculous inability to move forward. I don’t own that. Just my own stuff 🙂

  3. I’m sorry for the pain you are going through, but I think Tony is a lost cause. He’ll never be confrontational enough to resolve things to HIS favor in his marriage.He would continue these same bad habits if the two of you continued. Hes the bad boy that every girl craves, but you deserve far better. You deserve a man who is 100% yours in every way. Hang in there, keep trying. ((Hugs))

  4. I’m not much of a country music fan, but for a change of pace I listened to “Timeless” by Martina McBride while doing yard work today. It’s a collection of some of the greatest country songs by female singers. During almost every song I thought of you and your situation. So Ann, I guess you can say that your story is “Timeless”.

    BTW, I hope Alan’s chances weren’t KO’d by the return of T**y contact.

  5. The reason you reacted is because you saw him with another woman which makes you attracted to him again. And that’s why you were never bored with him in the first place.
    No woman wants a man that’s not wanted by other women.

    • Thanks for your comment Peter but I will respectfully disagree. Seeing the obvious signs of his relationship with the woman who used to be his ex doesn’t make me want him more….

    • Peter, I am not sure how you came to that conclusion, and I am sorry you feel that way. You must have experienced much unrest in your life. If you are, in general, available to the women you have met, I am sorry that they have been so fickle as to not reciprocate your gifts while chasing unavailable men. If you live by this “truth” and always jockey things so that multiple women are vying for you at once, I am sorry for the women who cross your path.

  6. You know, I reread Tony’s response and NOW it makes me mad. “My life is hard enough trying to reconcile with my wife whom I feel ambivalent about, so you have no right to make it harder by imposing your feelings and needs on me.” It’s ultimately selfishly only about him and he takes no responsibility for his part in getting you involved in his messy life. He also expects you to value his marriage over your relationship to him because, you know, he’s doing the “right thing” by reconciling with his wife.

    It is of course useless to argue with him you deserve more and that he’s being a selfish ass because you all have made your choices and its best you follow through. But he revealed his true colors there. Be grateful that you don’t have to take on the 24/7 task anymore ofvmaking someone so intrinsically selfish have the capacity to step up for you and be a steward to your needs. Tony has demonstrated that the second he feels pressure from life, it’s each man to his own and he will step on others in his stampede to get to safer ground.

    Maybe I am being harsh, and there is no way that you could have expected him to support you on that particular comment you made. But, as you’ve figured out, tony just can’t help you through this breakup because he’s too preoccupied trying to save his own butt. All he would have had to do is acknowledge your feelings in that email, even if it came off as patronizing. “I know it’s hard, Ann, but I can’t empathetically respond to outburst like the one you made.” Would have been better than what he said. Maybe he was too mad. It’s unattractive, though, that he betrayed that he needs YOU to be understanding of how hard it is for him to make things work with his wife, and I hope you didn’t feel guilty for one second about it.

    • I love your empathetic response and yeah, it would have been nice to hear.
      It’s an interesting perspective you have. I have generally felt that he understands how hard this was for me and he’s been supportive along the way.
      I didn’t feel guilty about sending that text. I was frustrated that I did it because I knew it ultimately didn’t do me any good.

  7. I think you let him off the hook very kindly, with that email.

    I’m sorry though. It really sucks. While it is true that he has no control over her IG page, it still is enough to derail your peace of mind, with cause.

    Has it occurred to you that she does suspect and she is pissing on her territory?

What do you think?