Once my home computer’s ability to connect to the internet again I will reset my Tony timer. I could make an intellectual argument about intent and therefore it shouldn’t count blah blah, but why bother.
I was texting with Hy and mentioned ruminating about asking him to block me on Instagram – his account and Mary’s, if he could.
She said “just text him RIGHT NOW and ask”. Knowing he’d promised I would be unblocked, but that she could see his phone, I wanted to send a very neutral message. I simply said “I need a favor; can you let me know when you have a free minute. I will be available after 6pm.” I was heading to a session with my personal trainer and I didn’t want to talk myself back out of it.
Why did I ask?
Well, here’s how Instagram works: I can prevent someone from seeing my posts by blocking them, but I can still see theirs. Blocking someone removes them from your “following” list but unlike Facebook, the block is one-sided.
I don’t care if Tony sees what I post, or if his wife chooses to stalk me. My issue is my ability to stop looking at their stuff. So him blocking me would help me avoid seeing things that take me down an unpleasant mental path. Until I have some distance, I’d just rather not see it.
And yes, I can just go to the internet and look at their posts – neither have private accounts – but all I need is a few seconds to remind myself I don’t want to look. It will become a habit and then if at some point (if ever) I choose to look, it won’t matter what I see.
When I finished with my trainer an hour later I checked my phone. Tony had replied not 3 minutes after I sent the text, saying he would call at 6, which of course I missed.
I had expected to wait longer; I wasn’t exactly sure how to ask. I didn’t want to have the phone conversation in the bottom of an office tower – I didn’t know if I would get emotional – so waited to call him until I got home.
We spoke for 30 minutes. I explained what I wanted; he said he could do it, maybe not from Mary’s phone but his account for sure. He asked whether he could still look at my stuff or if I was going to block him. I told him I wasn’t, and I kind of liked knowing he was out there keeping tabs on me.
We chatted a bit about work. I couldn’t resist asking how things were going in his personal life. He told me he was sleeping on the couch when he stayed there. That he hasn’t put notice in on his apartment and that his ability to have a king sized bed was a “non negotiable” for moving back in (seriously). That the only person he’s been able to sleep with in a queen bed is me.
In other words, same shit as always.
I told him part of me thinks I can’t have any kind of contact with him until he moves back in. He said “if that’s what needs to happen to have you in my life I will do it.”
How twisted is that?
He blocked me from his account a few hours later.
It’s already helped. Although I discovered I can still see how many posts he’s put up… and if I pay attention I will know there is something new. Of course talking to him puts him more in the forefront of my brain, but I’m okay. I’m firm in my decision and I know I’m on the right path. Nothing he said makes me doubt anything.
I’ve written enough – in portions on my phone (so apologies if my last few posts haven’t been nearly as articulate or well crafted as usual). My thoughts on my uncomfortable conversation with Alan will have to wait until tomorrow. Sorry!