Broke the silence & an uncomfortable conversation

Once my home computer’s ability to connect to the internet again I will reset my Tony timer. I could make an intellectual argument about intent and therefore it shouldn’t count blah blah, but why bother.

I was texting with Hy and mentioned ruminating about asking him to block me on Instagram – his account and Mary’s, if he could.

She said “just text him RIGHT NOW and ask”. Knowing he’d promised I would be unblocked, but that she could see his phone, I wanted to send a very neutral message. I simply said “I need a favor; can you let me know when you have a free minute. I will be available after 6pm.” I was heading to a session with my personal trainer and I didn’t want to talk myself back out of it.

Why did I ask?

Well, here’s how Instagram works: I can prevent someone from seeing my posts by blocking them, but I can still see theirs. Blocking someone removes them from your “following” list but unlike Facebook, the block is one-sided.

I don’t care if Tony sees what I post, or if his wife chooses to stalk me. My issue is my ability to stop looking at their stuff. So him blocking me would help me avoid seeing things that take me down an unpleasant mental path. Until I have some distance, I’d just rather not see it.

And yes, I can just go to the internet and look at their posts – neither have private accounts – but all I need is a few seconds to remind myself I don’t want to look. It will become a habit and then if at some point (if ever) I choose to look, it won’t matter what I see.

When I finished with my trainer an hour later I checked my phone. Tony had replied not 3 minutes after I sent the text, saying he would call at 6, which of course I missed.

I had expected to wait longer; I wasn’t exactly sure how to ask. I didn’t want to have the phone conversation in the bottom of an office tower – I didn’t know if I would get emotional – so waited to call him until I got home.

We spoke for 30 minutes. I explained what I wanted; he said he could do it, maybe not from Mary’s phone but his account for sure. He asked whether he could still look at my stuff or if I was going to block him. I told him I wasn’t, and I kind of liked knowing he was out there keeping tabs on me.

We chatted a bit about work. I couldn’t resist asking how things were going in his personal life. He told me he was sleeping on the couch when he stayed there. That he hasn’t put notice in on his apartment and that his ability to have a king sized bed was a “non negotiable” for moving back in (seriously). That the only person he’s been able to sleep with in a queen bed is me.

In other words, same shit as always.

I told him part of me thinks I can’t have any kind of contact with him until he moves back in. He said “if that’s what needs to happen to have you in my life I will do it.”

How twisted is that?

He blocked me from his account a few hours later.

It’s already helped. Although I discovered I can still see how many posts he’s put up… and if I pay attention I will know there is something new. Of course talking to him puts him more in the forefront of my brain, but I’m okay. I’m firm in my decision and I know I’m on the right path. Nothing he said makes me doubt anything.

I’ve written enough – in portions on my phone (so apologies if my last few posts haven’t been nearly as articulate or well crafted as usual). My thoughts on my uncomfortable conversation with Alan will have to wait until tomorrow. Sorry!

13 thoughts on “Broke the silence & an uncomfortable conversation

  1. After reading the last post and now this one…I don’t think that the issue is that you are not ready for a relationship, but more so that you are not ready to give up Tony.

    We’ve all done that, created excuses to make contact, and really that is what this was. Ultimately you have control over what you look at and don’t. If you gave yourself enough time and space from Tony you would eventually be able to break those habits without needing to contact him.

    Until you actually want to make the break from Tony, and follow through with it, you will continue to not really give other men a chance at an actual relationship with you. That of course is just my outsiders opinion.

    • I don’t expect you to believe me, but it wasn’t an excuse to make contact. I know he’s eager to me to reach out and I can do so anytime. I’m trying to identify the things / behaviors that slow my progress down and looking at his stuff was one of them. Now that I can’t look at his, I’ve also stopped looking at hers. So it worked – that’s all I was after. Talking to him just reinforces all the reasons I made my decision.
      And my last post wasn’t so much about me and whether I was emotionally ready – I know one of the reasons I’m taking it slow with Alan is to heal over Tony. In other words I’m not making any claims to being in the clear emotionally. But I can understand it perhaps didn’t come through in my post. Admittedly the stuff I write on my phone is not my best work :/

    • One other thing… I’m absolutely committed to letting Tony go. Wish I didn’t have to, I won’t try to say letting someone go I’m in love with is easy, but I know this is right for me and I’m doing everything I can do to make it stick.

  2. I KNEW looking at his Instagram posts were unhealthy for you…I’m glad you finally realized this…It’s interesting you needed to call him to ask him to block you…couldn’t you have just unfollowed him and not look at his posts? Sounds like you still love him a great deal and time will help you move on…Oh, and just not look at his wife’s…

    • I could unfollow him but still have access. This way I don’t see him even if I try… and just having that couple of seconds is what I need to stop and say – right, Ann, don’t look, because it can take you to a bad place.
      I thought I might be okay with his stuff – it’s usually so neutral anyway – but why cause any pain at all?

  3. I don’t think now is the time to quibble about your subconscious motive to stay in touch; I think that you did the right thing. You admit that you are still in such a fragile place with the breakup that you aren’t always going to do the best thing for yourself. Absolutely, have Tony “help” with this if this is what you need. I am constantly deleting the Instagram app on my phone; ha ha ha! (and, yes, reinstalling it a week or two later). I just wanted to say that your last post about, how do you know if/when you are available, really resonated. You just know when you are ready. Usually its after a period of time when the issue hasn’t taken up your entire frontal cortex. Usually, its after a period of feeling a general kind of loneliness that isn’t linked to missing one person in particular. If you are trying to date, and find that you are just as relieved as upset when the other person isn’t coming through, isn’t meeting your expectations, if you hem and haw about them, then you aren’t ready to give yourself over. Doesn’t mean you can’t date, though. But, I think that in order to be truly available, there has to be a period of loneliness first that doesn’t hinge on your grief over a particular person.

What do you think?