It may have sounded from my last post that I’d fired all the men in my life. Not true.
While I’m not overwhelmingly excited about anything at the moment, those I’m still engaging with do provide some pleasure. And some is better than none, right?
I haven’t seen Leo since the date I wrote about. Partly because of bad timing on both our parts, but also because he doesn’t take priority. He’s lovely, and patient. I don’t want to take advantage of that. But I saw other lovers the last week I was free. The next week I’m free I’m seeing Alan one night, girlfriends the next, Clark the night after, and then I’m away on business, returning the day I get my child again for the week.
It’s easy to not stress about dating when I have a few nights alone which I welcome, a busy social calendar with friends and family, a couple of casual lovers, and a couple of romantic men willing to take whatever spare time I have. Right now I need alone time more than another date.
I also don’t want to leave the impression that I’ve come to any conclusion about Alan or Leo not having any long term potential. I’m still successfully putting all that overthinking on hold. I know it’s situational: in no way do I think I’ve achieved the perfect inability to worry.
But right now, I’m running with it. It’s a nice feeling. I have plenty to worry about other than an assessment of whether Leo’s lack of interest in getting fit or Alan’s bad grammar and questionable political choices are deal breakers.
So on I go.
Alan has been in regular contact via text and we’ve talked on the phone a few times since our last date. He does have a nice combination of sweet and raunchy – a good fit for me. He worries about being too kinky or forward in his texts and I constantly reassure him he’s okay. He fears because he’s so pleased I’m open and he tells me fantasies and things he loves about me, I may think he only wants me for sex. I try to tell him I know what it looks and feels like when that’s the case. I have no such concerns with him.
I saw Lewis recently. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d heard from him. When this happens I always wonder whether he’s gone for good. I swear I have no idea what he would say if I told him we couldn’t see each other anymore. We had our usual kind of evening yet he shared some things with me I associate with intimacy – some fears of erectile issues, for example – but I think he’s just used to me by now.
And I will confess, while in the midst of a particularly awesome moment with him, I thought of Alan.
Which is highly unusual for me. I am often able to be in the moment, and thinking of one lover when in the arms of another is uncommon.
But in the spirit of overthinking, I’m not going to spend any effort wondering if it means anything.
After all, any song about love, romance, or heartbreak makes me think of one person only, and it’s not Alan.