An uncomfortable conversation with Alan.

I will apologize again for my current need to write – and edit – posts on my phone. The app does a shit job of linking to past posts (so I don’t bother), I can’t see the flow of the post, it takes forever to write, etc.

Normally I go back a few days later to clean things up; I just haven’t had the chance yet. My home computer decided it was tired of connecting to the internet.

On to Alan.

I’ve seen him twice in the last week. The first night was good; he brought soup for me, I fed him homemade meatball sandwiches and some treats I’d bought that weekend from a local market.

We kissed in my kitchen – the intensity slightly diminished by his shaving off all of his facial hair a few days before, leaving sharp stubble that threatened to destroy my skin.

The sex was awesome. He told me when we were done he’d gotten a prescription for Cialis (covered by his health insurance!) and he’d taken one before he arrived. While he didn’t have a problem before, it made him even harder and swelled bigger. A nice bonus.

The next day in a text conversation he said “so does this mean I get you exclusively now?”

I said:

We can talk about it. I really like you, I don’t want you to worry about my intentions with you… I also know I need to take it slow. 

I had previously told him I needed to take things slow and he said he understood. We have only seen each other 5 or maybe 6 times. But here he was, asking again. And it was not something I was going to discuss via text.
We had another date two nights later. He didn’t bring it up during dinner or afterward, hanging out on the couch while he rubbed my feet.

We both had to work the next day so were committed to a decent bedtime. I was thrilled when it looked like I would be asleep before 10:45pm – we had another round of great sex, the lights were out, I was tucked into bed next to him.

He started to say something then stopped.

“Sorry Alan, what was that?”

“Oh, nothing”

I fucking HATE THAT.

I sighed.

“It’s okay Alan, what’s up?”

He hmmmed and ermmmed and weakly protested that it was late and could wait…but got it out.

He said he thought I was being coy (my word not his) in my text replies to him about being exclusive. He said things like “if you have a fuck buddy you can’t let go of, I understand…but I have to take my own precautions you know.”

This from a man who didn’t even ask about using a condom the first time we had sex. I knew he hadn’t had sex for 8 months prior and before that had few partners; I wasn’t worried about him. I’ve been tested recently and have had only

But regardless – and please spare me any safe sex lecture – I didn’t like his implication I was somehow hiding something from him. In prior conversations I had offered up to talk through anything he wanted and he never wanted to. I had told him clearly I wasn’t active on dating sites, and that my intentions were him were good – I wasn’t the type to continue to see someone if I knew there wasn’t potential.

I also didn’t like this notion that perhaps what was holding me back had to do with fuck buddies instead of the simple fact that WE’VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER 6 TIMES.

I didn’t get to sleep until 11:30pm.

The next morning he didn’t mention it, but I definitely didn’t stop thinking about it.

30 thoughts on “An uncomfortable conversation with Alan.

  1. I can’t blame him for wanting to be exclusive …..and after such a wait…..to break that spell with someone as special as ASV….I think he may just be afraid you will disappear on him. The decision for him is easy….and he might not be used to someone as demonstrative as you in bed…..I don’t know… I’m just putting my thoughts on the screen as they come to me!!

      • You DO realize, don’t you, that you(and your openness) are rare. Most of us have spent our sexual lives fantasizing about a partner with such traits.(Not that we could handle it, or even know what to do.) Alan might be the rare man who can successfully enter your world. Be aware though, that some of the anxiety may remain. Don’t give up too soon!

  2. Not to be the devil’s advocate but you do have a fuck buddy, Leo. Why not just tell him, in your own words, that you’ve only been together 6 times and that it’s too soon and you need time?

  3. It’s clear and obvious that Alan’s break from sex for 8 months and lack of women in his life made him very outcome dependent. And now he realises he really likes you after 6 sexual encounters and believes you are the “only woman that’s not like the rest” still living on earth. And for this he has decided to build a big wall around you to make sure no other men can touch you. Typical outdated jealous caveman behaviour that we men have when deprived of options with women. Sad but true! I think he must be a nice guy though!

    • I think you’re right, Peter. He has been expressive in how much he likes me – how open I am about sex, smart, beautiful, etc. I haven’t picked up many vibes from him that he’s controlling or needs to know what I’m doing every moment of every day. He’s a nice guy; this conversation threw me off balance.

  4. Would you have been satisfied if Alan would not have bothered to ask for exclusiveness.I mean, if after 6 times with you,he had reached the conclusion that you are not likely to cover his emotional or sexual needs and ,therefore, he would just keep you around while searching for someone better?

    • Interesting perspective – do you think that’s what I’m doing with him by taking it slow?
      Leo’s approach to the same essential question was different – he asked where he stood with me, and I told him. He wanted me to know he thinks I’m special and he wants more with me. So sure, if Alan didn’t express *anything* after 6 dates I would be surprised – what bothered me was he’s been saying he’s fine with a reasonable pace but clearly it’s bothering him. And also he made it about some “fuck buddy”.

      • My point is that Alan asked fore exclusiveness because he values very much your personality/charm/ sexual behavior etc.He wishes to commit himself to you and ,reasonably enough,hopes for reciprocity.
        Other commentators here think he wishes to “build a wall around you to prevent other men touching you”.I do not agree that he looks at you like a piece of land in the prairies and seeks to fence trespassers off.
        Suppose he were to keep on dating you in parallel with other women, without raising (now or later)any question of exclusiveness.What you would have thought of him then?What you would have thought of yourself, if your appeal on him were to have no more impact than his availability for occasional, awesome sex?
        By asking for exclusiveness,Alan compliments you in the most genuine and sincere way.Of course you are absolutely entitled to decline his proposal,if you do not feel the same way,for whatever reason .Nobody is to judge you on this.But there is nothing wrong in Alan`s approach,at least so far.Straight as an arrow,I would say.Perhaps this might be too much…

        PS : how do you define “slow” in taking it with him?What is your measure of going fast or slow in these matters and why is it more appropriate than his tempo?

    • I wouldn’t say I’m in a “snit”, and no, I don’t object to the use of the term. What I didn’t like was the way he approached it, and that he presumed *the* reason I wouldn’t be ready to be exclusive would be a fuck buddy versus, I dunno, it only being our 6th date and maybe I am just not ready to commit based on stuff along those lines.
      But as I said, I’m not in a snit. It’s not how I roll.

  5. This is a re-run of ther guy you had to get a restraining order for. All eager-to-please in the beginning, then becomes needy, then becomes demanding, but I don’t think he’ll become dangerous.

What do you think?