I will apologize again for my current need to write – and edit – posts on my phone. The app does a shit job of linking to past posts (so I don’t bother), I can’t see the flow of the post, it takes forever to write, etc.
Normally I go back a few days later to clean things up; I just haven’t had the chance yet. My home computer decided it was tired of connecting to the internet.
On to Alan.
I’ve seen him twice in the last week. The first night was good; he brought soup for me, I fed him homemade meatball sandwiches and some treats I’d bought that weekend from a local market.
We kissed in my kitchen – the intensity slightly diminished by his shaving off all of his facial hair a few days before, leaving sharp stubble that threatened to destroy my skin.
The sex was awesome. He told me when we were done he’d gotten a prescription for Cialis (covered by his health insurance!) and he’d taken one before he arrived. While he didn’t have a problem before, it made him even harder and swelled bigger. A nice bonus.
The next day in a text conversation he said “so does this mean I get you exclusively now?”
We can talk about it. I really like you, I don’t want you to worry about my intentions with you… I also know I need to take it slow.
I had previously told him I needed to take things slow and he said he understood. We have only seen each other 5 or maybe 6 times. But here he was, asking again. And it was not something I was going to discuss via text.
We had another date two nights later. He didn’t bring it up during dinner or afterward, hanging out on the couch while he rubbed my feet.
We both had to work the next day so were committed to a decent bedtime. I was thrilled when it looked like I would be asleep before 10:45pm – we had another round of great sex, the lights were out, I was tucked into bed next to him.
He started to say something then stopped.
“Sorry Alan, what was that?”
I fucking HATE THAT.
“It’s okay Alan, what’s up?”
He hmmmed and ermmmed and weakly protested that it was late and could wait…but got it out.
He said he thought I was being coy (my word not his) in my text replies to him about being exclusive. He said things like “if you have a fuck buddy you can’t let go of, I understand…but I have to take my own precautions you know.”
This from a man who didn’t even ask about using a condom the first time we had sex. I knew he hadn’t had sex for 8 months prior and before that had few partners; I wasn’t worried about him. I’ve been tested recently and have had only
But regardless – and please spare me any safe sex lecture – I didn’t like his implication I was somehow hiding something from him. In prior conversations I had offered up to talk through anything he wanted and he never wanted to. I had told him clearly I wasn’t active on dating sites, and that my intentions were him were good – I wasn’t the type to continue to see someone if I knew there wasn’t potential.
I also didn’t like this notion that perhaps what was holding me back had to do with fuck buddies instead of the simple fact that WE’VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER 6 TIMES.
I didn’t get to sleep until 11:30pm.
The next morning he didn’t mention it, but I definitely didn’t stop thinking about it.