Wading through shallow waters to find a deep end.

I hid my bumble profile again, leaving it open only to those who have connected with me. I got bored and tired of the interactions, and the few conversations just withered. I haven’t missed it.

After talking to Hy Jones, I decided to see what Adult Friend Finder had in store for me. Some of the most awesome and accepting men I’ve met came from the naughty section of a dating site I joined when first single, or from FetLife, and Hy swears there are men looking for similar things as me on AFF.

I’ve been pretty lucky to have met a number of men who are sexually open and interested in exploring. Even Fox surprised me with his kinks and interests. Maybe I bring it out in men; I suppose it’s possible. But certainly there were a number who were not my sexual match in the slightest.

There are a few men who have truly loved / accepted me in all my facets – meaning they could fully handle my intellect, job, sexuality, and sexual interests: Jason, Tony, Lewis. I’m lucky each of them has crossed my path and I’ve learned an extraordinary amount from each.

My profile on AFF is pretty straightforward. I am looking for a relationship, not interested in hookups, and need someone who can handle everything I am, including being open about my sexuality. The last time I had a profile there I didn’t check it much and would be overwhelmed with messages on a site unfortunately not the easiest to navigate. I couldn’t handle it, had only one date set up, and cancelled on him as I was on the brink of becoming exclusive with Fox and didn’t think it fair to anyone to meet.

This time, I promised myself I would spend time every other day deleting messages that were obnoxious or from men who clearly didn’t meet my criteria. It’s made it more manageable.


I find myself talking to too many men. Names like Michael and Mitchell and Miguel – how the fuck am I supposed to keep them straight?! I haven’t been in this situation since I first started dating and I know the pitfalls which await. Ask the /lovers/ about his trip to Rome! Forget to reply to one guy I really like! End up being too blasé and losing someone who doesn’t want someone who takes a while to respond!

I have been on three pre-clearance dates so far.

One was a handsome and quiet dark-skinned man – I could feel his intensity under the surface, there wasn’t the quick banter but there was something simmering. He’s been consistent with follow up and I wonder if we will connect again.

One was a tall bear-like man a decade my junior; we talked about the arts and shared interests, I took him home and after directing him to not be concerned about being too aggressive I took him to my bed and despite some great chemistry I was disappointed to find a far from average-size cock. I didn’t want to take it in my mouth or look at it. Sorry guys.

One was a slow start conversationalist who aligned entirely to my ultimate relationship goals and sexual needs. After shared drinks and snacks and an amazing make out session outside the restaurant, he declined my offer to come back to my place; he likes to draw things out. But there is a promise of another meeting and I hope to get the opportunity to fuck him, as I have a feeling it will be good.

There are many others (Six? Eight?) in the conversation rotation; those who say they want something similar as I. Admittedly, I have hope perhaps one of them will be a good fit.  But I’m remarkably blasé about it all. Don’t text me back? No biggie. I’m really good now at not getting ahead of myself before I’ve met someone. Even then, I know it takes a while to really suss out what someone is like.

So yes, it’s a shallow pool as always, but maybe, just maybe, I will find someone who represents a deep end I can swim in. If not, that’s fine too, but it would be refreshing.

18 thoughts on “Wading through shallow waters to find a deep end.

  1. Hopefully you’ll meet someone who does want the same things you do. I’ve thought about putting it out there on my AFF profile that I want a relationship, but I just haven’t yet. I have also been horrible about checking my messages (3 weeks!) on there too. I have made some awesome friends/lovers from there over the years however.

  2. One thing to be aware of is that the three men who you stated accepted you in all of your facets are men who had no interest/ability to commit to you in a relationship, which is always easier to accept someone when there’s no true commitment.

    That said, AFF might be your best bet, only because I think the guy you need to be looking for is a guy with a hotwife kink. That’s pretty much the perfect guy for you, given your desire for a true committed relationship but with the option to still have sex with other men.

    In fact, rather than sit back and wait for the guys to contact you on the site, you might want to proactively do a search for any guys who have the keyword ‘hotwife’ in their profile. Just a thought. Good luck.

    • Interesting thought Josh – my initial reaction is “no way” because my immediate hot wife association is with full blown swingers etc. This isn’t something I need on a regular basis, in fact it’s only still a theory for me. But I would like someone relatively open such that it’s a possibility.
      The notion that the only men who can accept me as I am are those who can’t or won’t commit to me is mighty depressing.

      • FWIW, most guys with a hotwife kink aren’t usually interested in swinging or sleeping with other women, they just get off on sharing their GF with others. So that might work for you, as opposed to a guy who is a strict monogamist and would probably have a harder time accepting all your facets.

        Also I’m not saying that the only men who can accept you are those who can’t commit, only that the ones so far that you named happened to fall under that category. Doesn’t mean he’s not out there.

        • Good point Josh. I suppose the reason I’m reluctant to go down that path is it’s not a lifestyle choice I particularly want to make. I don’t want every weekend to be kink filled. I don’t want to be fetishized. I just want the option to maybe once in a blue moon explore, because it gives me some comfort that I will be able to keep an active and exciting sex life going. So yes, someone who is somewhat open is important… probably more so than whether anything ever actually happens.
          Bottom line is while I don’t want to sacrifice my sexuality, the ability for me to maybe play with others isn’t a non negotiable. If I find someone amazing and open I would be willing to only explore in the boundaries of our relationship.

What do you think?