“The signs are always there…you just have to be open to seeing them.” – Hyacinth Jones
The great thing about a truthful diary – online or not – is you have a record of the things you experience, you write about the signs, even if you can’t see them in the moment.
EXACTLY 22 months, to the day. I met him on the 22nd of December, 2014. I’m not normally superstitious, but there have been some crazy coincidences with numbers in my life the last three years. Phone numbers and important birthdays and addresses and the like.
So I take this as a sign that the timing is right.
Maybe better said this way – I take it as the universe reinforcing my decision.
And yes, it’s true the signs of how this would inevitably play out can be found going back 20 months. Some of you may have been able to walk away at the first sign. I wasn’t. Clearly. Hy’s joke to me today is that the “ultimate sign” I experienced in the last 48 hours was actually sign #142. Thanks for providing my post title, my dear friend.
There were signs of what eventually did happen and signs of hope it might not. There were nuances and shifts but ultimately not the ones I really needed.
Something broke in me a couple of weeks ago. The post I wrote while slightly day drunk wasn’t as angry as I felt, or revealed as wounded as I was. Those feelings didn’t fade, thankfully, and what broke wasn’t repaired.
Tony has vacated my space, but his smell still emanates from my sheets, the t-shirt I’m wearing, and my hair. I’m listening to “Mezzanine” by Massive Attack; one of the albums we listened to in the last 48 hours as a soundtrack to love making.
But I’m going to hop in the shower. I’m going to change my sheets. And this week I will wash the t-shirt.
And it’s okay if you roll your eyes and aren’t going to believe me until months later. I get it. I know how long it’s taken me to get to this point. Only I really know what’s in my heart and head. And I’m not so foolish to predict the future.
But I can say this:
Even in the most intense moments with Tony in our two nights together, not one iota of my being thought “hey, yes, this is good and it can work”. Not one part of my brain thought “I can keep doing this”. Nothing he said or did made me think anything was going to change. I have lost all hope.
In fact, a few things he said had me doing internal eye rolls. I knew it wasn’t worth trying to talk to him about it. A few friends had asked me whether Tony knew this was truly it. While he’d used the term “I know this is the end” prior to us seeing each other, I was also fairly certain he didn’t know what it meant.
And this played out in our discussions.
He told me now that we weren’t going to be intimate with each other, I could meet his son and we could do things with our children, together.
He told me I was too important in his life for him to let me go.
He said he wouldn’t block me anymore; since the reason he blocked me was because he didn’t know if I would send him something inappropriate.
And in response to my telling him I was going to miss him, he said “well, you never know what will happen in the next year”.
I don’t even want to write all of my internal responses to those comments at the moment. I suspect some of yours will be the same as mine, and you’re welcome to share. But let’s just say, those things just helped drive more nails into the coffin of our relationship.