This is the ultimate sign…#142

“The signs are always there…you just have to be open to seeing them.” – Hyacinth Jones

The great thing about a truthful diary – online or not – is you have a record of the things you experience, you write about the signs, even if you can’t see them in the moment.

22 months.

EXACTLY 22 months, to the day. I met him on the 22nd of December, 2014. I’m not normally superstitious, but there have been some crazy coincidences with numbers in my life the last three years. Phone numbers and important birthdays and addresses and the like.

So I take this as a sign that the timing is right.

Finally.

Maybe better said this way – I take it as the universe reinforcing my decision.

And yes, it’s true the signs of how this would inevitably play out can be found going back 20 months. Some of you may have been able to walk away at the first sign. I wasn’t. Clearly. Hy’s joke to me today is that the “ultimate sign” I experienced in the last 48 hours was actually sign #142. Thanks for providing my post title, my dear friend.

There were signs of what eventually did happen and signs of hope it might not. There were nuances and shifts but ultimately not the ones I really needed.

Something broke in me a couple of weeks ago. The post I wrote while slightly day drunk wasn’t as angry as I felt, or revealed as wounded as I was. Those feelings didn’t fade, thankfully, and what broke wasn’t repaired.

::

Tony has vacated my space, but his smell still emanates from my sheets, the t-shirt I’m wearing, and my hair. I’m listening to “Mezzanine” by Massive Attack; one of the albums we listened to in the last 48 hours as a soundtrack to love making.

But I’m going to hop in the shower. I’m going to change my sheets. And this week I will wash the t-shirt.

And it’s okay if you roll your eyes and aren’t going to believe me until months later. I get it. I know how long it’s taken me to get to this point. Only I really know what’s in my heart and head. And I’m not so foolish to predict the future.

But I can say this:

Even in the most intense moments with Tony in our two nights together, not one iota of my being thought “hey, yes, this is good and it can work”. Not one part of my brain thought “I can keep doing this”. Nothing he said or did made me think anything was going to change. I have lost all hope.

In fact, a few things he said had me doing internal eye rolls. I knew it wasn’t worth trying to talk to him about it. A few friends had asked me whether Tony knew this was truly it. While he’d used the term “I know this is the end” prior to us seeing each other, I was also fairly certain he didn’t know what it meant.

And this played out in our discussions.

He told me now that we weren’t going to be intimate with each other, I could meet his son and we could do things with our children, together.

He told me I was too important in his life for him to let me go.

He said he wouldn’t block me anymore; since the reason he blocked me was because he didn’t know if I would send him something inappropriate.

And in response to my telling him I was going to miss him, he said “well, you never know what will happen in the next year”.

I don’t even want to write all of my internal responses to those comments at the moment. I suspect some of yours will be the same as mine, and you’re welcome to share. But let’s just say, those things just helped drive more nails into the coffin of our relationship.

30 thoughts on “This is the ultimate sign…#142

  1. All I’m going to say if… Hugs.
    Because I know that, even though you know this is it and know it’s what must be, even though you’ve made up your mind and won’t regret your decision, it is still going to hurt at times.
    So… Hugs.

  2. I wish you luck in your decision. All I can say about Tony that I haven’t said previously, in light of the boneheaded comments he made about all that you could do now that you won’t be intimate is–he truly is clueless, and a manchild. Good riddance.

    • Yup. For him to think that somehow I would react positively to the news that now it’s okay for us to spend time with each other’s children since he can obstensibly now tell the truth to his wife about us just being “friends”…and to not think that it’s ultimately just going to remind me there was something I wanted to build with him that I’ve been denied… yeah, clueless is a good term.

      • Josh summed up my thoughts. He IS a bonehead. What the hell is he thinking? Personally, if I was his wife under those circumstances, I’d be wondering who the hell you are. A beautiful woman he’s friends enough with to hang with the kids, that I’ve never heard of before? Of HELL no. Poor man. He really isn’t very bright, after all.

  3. “Nothing… was going to change. I have lost all hope.” Sadly, over the last month i came to the same conclusion with my former master. i know in his heart that he loves me the best he knows how, but for myriad reasons can’t extricate himself from a perpetually unhappy entanglement to build a healthy relationship with me, in person. Walking this with you and sending love and hugs. 💜

      • Thanks! We were monogamish, and on the edge of poly. While his other seemed a thorny and unwilling third, i was easing into something delicious with another. The change in our relationship from sister slaves to me becoming slave to her Mistress was happening with his blessing as our relationship exploded.

        As someone who proclaimed not to be jealous, his reaction to the budding dynamic between me and Mistress saddens me greatly. It’s too late for us as a couple and NOW he wants to fight to keep me, especially after my support of his explorations with others… Ugh. 💜

  4. I am sorry for your loss. Wish we could smack him upside his head. Lol
    For your heart and sanity, I hope you can move forward, if that doesn’t happen, I’m (and many others) are still here for you. Hang in there!!

    • Thank you Spencer! I’m good at the moment. No question my resolve will be tested but I’m going to do everything in my power to remain steadfast. I know the pain that comes with any other path.

  5. A big part of me wishes the wife DID know! He deserves to deal with the shitstorm that would rain down on him for all the BS and hurt he’s put you through and the deceptiveness she’s been through too.. Sorry.. just my two cents here.

  6. Tony is Beaut. I’m convinced of it. Soul-brothers.

    I wouldn’t worry about your resolve. Guaranteed he will continue reaching out to you and saying more of those comments that make you internally eye-roll. Thank goodness for the male cluelessness. Such a blessing in disguise.

    I’m sorry it had to come to this. Xox.

    • It’s quite true… my internal dialogue is pretty funny when he’s said those kinds of things. Even when he was telling me how different things were with me than his “ex” wife… it just made me mad because I kept thinking he should just try with her instead of complaining about it to me.

  7. I wish you luck. I always felt like it was “easy” (haha) to know it was the end while they were still there (in your life, in your bed). It’s harder to stay with that when they are gone and you feel the absence …. especially if they persist and try to maintain the “friendship”. I truly hope you can persevere. If anyone can, it’s you. xo

  8. Some day, Love…some day, I will tell you how strikingly similar your Tony experience has been to an experience of mine. Take care of yourself and give your heart lots of extra love and self-compassion. You are a beautiful and vibrant woman who deserves someone who can love you as much as you love him. Xo

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