The actual pulling away from Tony.

Some of you recommended a scorched earth policy or an immediate “block and delete” response. But that’s not my style – that’s an exceptional action reserved only for dudes who harass me. Like the weird dude who sent texts like “are you ready to meet yet I’d like to chew on your clit”. Ewww. Or the guy who said “watch your fucking mouth cunt you’ll be sorry”. He’s the one who has been exorcised from this blog.

I haven’t seen Tony since I wrote my last post. He’s asked a few times, and each time I’ve said “no”. Each time he’s said “oh it would be so awesome to see you” or “I really missed seeing you on the weekend” I haven’t replied in kind.

But let me back up a bit.

After the weekend where I blocked him just so I wouldn’t wonder when if or when he would reach out, I unblocked him late that Monday.

Nothing from him. Tuesday late afternoon I sent him a blank text. Just a little blue bubble. It was an accident but not a big deal. He replied right away “hey…tried to call you.”

I made a snarky comment about no longer being blocked. Let’s just say the ensuing text conversation just made me mad:

Him: Babe you were blocked for like 45 minutes when I had to go to emergency with the kid. Probably would have been a bad time for a call. Sorry if you called or messaged and I missed it but it was quite the weeknd. And not going much better now.

I made reference to the post on Instagram which had spurred me into commenting via text, just to find out I was already blocked. And let’s just say there’s no way he would have posted it from the hospital.

I reminded him I have asked countless times to just tell me when he can’t communicate, instead of blocking me. In the time it takes to block he could have sent a quick text. I told him it just sets me up to get hurt again. He said:

I’m sorry. I didn’t have plans – was offered a chance to go out to do stuff with the kid and I did – I don’t want to apologize for that.

I call bullshit. If it was true he could have texted, period.

I tried to call you but couldn’t reach you – tough to call from the kids bed.

Again, bullshit. He didn’t call that day.

I had also mentioned his use of “my living room” in an Instagram post to describe their house – not his apartment. In the vein of “of course it’s your living room…stop lying to me and I in turn will stop fooling myself.” He replied:

It’s tougher to explain – my separated wife’s living room or my old houses living room in an Instagram post. I got yelled at by her because I call it my old house. I can’t keep either of you happy and I’m not having any fun trying. Just don’t want to argue anymore.

And that my friends was when I went from frustrated to – right. Baloney. I’m a huge believer in owning one’s own shit and for Tony to frame things in that way is just… no.
So I said:

“You called me yesterday at 1pm and I was in no mental place to talk to you. I’ve had more than enough pain.

She is the one to keep happy Tony. She’s the mother of your child and you are moving back and have made her your primary relationship. You have called her your wife and called it your house with me since the very beginning.

I don’t want to have this discussion via text.”

And we concluded our text exchange conversation shortly afterwards.

::

Wednesday mid-morning he called. I didn’t answer, but then realized I would need to talk to him eventually. I called him back. I said a lot of what I needed to say. It was essentially what I’ve written in my last few posts – my ultimate frustration with his inability to make a decision for almost two years now, being tired of the lies, and not wanting to be part of what now amounts to an affair, etcetera.

He took it all in and agreed with what I said. I said I had been debating whether to follow through with the overnight we had planned. He said “well it’s over, right? Don’t you want to go out with a bang?”

We share the dark sense of humour.

I decided to go through with it.

Since then we’ve had minimal text conversations. As I said at the beginning of his post, I have said no to his multiple requests to see me since then. It has helped immensely.

I know our overnight won’t make things easier, I know it will just make all the good stuff front and center, I know it has just delayed the goodbye. There’s nothing really I need to experience before I can say goodbye – it’s simply something I want to do with him.

But I’m steadfast in what I know needs to happen afterwards.

Wish me luck. My tickle trunk is packed.

Ann

xo

63 thoughts on “The actual pulling away from Tony.

    • Well Lisa, I’m ending this and he would continue if I didn’t. I can’t take accountability for his actions regarding his ex/wife these last two years – meaning what he chose to share when she was actually his ex, and what he’s doing now. I’m going to own my own decisions and my role in all of this… but ultimately I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, and this process has allowed me to get to a place where I’m letting him go.

      • >I can’t take accountability for his actions regarding his ex/wife these last two years

        No, but you can take accountability for knowingly continuing to be a party to his lies and deceit even now that you know exactly what is going on. Everything that you’ve allowed to happen in recent months and are yet to do with him is now entirely on you.

        As for letting him go, you’ll pardon me if I see this as the girl who cried wolf. Sorry if this is harsh, but at a certain point you can only hear the same refrain so many times before it loses all meaning.

        • I believe I also said after the line you quoted that I own my own actions and choices. By that I mean I take accountability for that, fully. Always have, as far as I can remember.
          And yup, if you’ve read my other comments I just said the same thing to someone else. None of you have to believe me, this is a long time coming. I’m not asking anyone to say “oh yay we believe you this time”. You can call me the girl who cried wolf all you want…. I know what’s in my heart and head at this point.

        • I fail to see how what happens between them is “entirely on [her]”. It must be because I really thought it took two to tango.
          The fact she now sees through his BS and knows that he is playing both of them doesn’t mean it’s all on her. Ann never took any vow to honour this person. He did.
          If anyone, HE knows how much this would hurt his wife. And he certainly knows how much this is hurting Ann. He chooses to go ahead and do it anyway.

          So no, everything that Ann’s allowed to happen in recent months and is yet to do with him isn’t entirely on her. At best, the blame is shared, and I’d argue that the split isn’t even between Tony and her.

          • It’s on her now because she knows exactly what’s going on, and she chooses to willingly be a party to Tony’s lies and deception.

            It would be one thing if Ann didn’t know how Tony was lying and cheating to both her and his wife, and was an unwitting participant in his lies and deceit, but that’s not what’s happening here anymore. Therefore, for her to choose to participate now, knowing what she knows, is on her.

            Of course Tony is still the cheater and liar in all of this, but Ann is the knowing enabler.

          • Ok, I think she accepts that part of the responsibility. What I failed to see was the “entirely” part of your comment. See, to me, that was pushing Tony’s part in this, which in my opinion is much bigger than Ann’s, onto Ann. And that’s not fair.

          • The “entirely” part comes from the fact that continuing any sort of relationship with Tony the last several months is entirely on Ann, given the fact that we all know Tony will never voluntarily change things on his end, so it all falls to her and what choices *she* makes.

            And why should he want to change things at all? For quite some time now Tony has gotten to have his cake and eat it too–he gets his home/family life with his wife and son, and he gets the fun secret mistress on the side. But only as long as Ann has chosen to put up with it.

            He has not had, nor will he ever have, any reason to end things with Ann under the current arrangement. Tony will let this affair, and the lying and deceit continue indefinitely as long as Ann allows it. He will never change, it’s up to her to change the paradigm. That is what I mean when I say this is all on her.

          • The way I read it, the entirely was placing all the blame on Ann, and that didn’t seem fair.
            If you mean that Tony won’t change and any change is on Ann, I agree, she agrees, we all agree.
            🙂
            I guess you meant change is on her, I read blame is on her. Hence the surprise 🙂
            And as she’s said… she has changed, and the situation will too, very soon. Actually, it has already. 🙂

          • Would you say the same thing if you saw me as a weak person, unable to make the tough decisions that are right for me? What if I was like Tony and can’t / won’t voluntarily change things?
            I’m just asking because it feels like you are holding me to a very high standard. One I hold myself to, don’t get me wrong, but it’s what struck me when I read your comment. This is purely an “intellectual curiosity” question… I’m not in any way suggesting I’m not making a decision (it’s already been made) or changing things.

          • I would say the same thing, because I do think that you have been weak in your choices when it comes to your personal life. But you yourself have admitted this, as you have previously noted the dichotomy between how resolute and strong you are in your professional life but unable to translate the same behavior to your romantic life.

            And to be honest, I don’t think I’m holding you to a very high standard at all. I mean, the writing was on the wall with Tony a long time ago. As the title of your following post said, you were already up to sign “#142” with Tony.

            All that said, I understand it’s a lot easier to see what the right choice should have been a long time ago when I’m not the one in the middle of the emotional entanglement, so I do get that I’m the one criticizing from a position of emotional stoicism that you haven’t had the luxury of.

            So just think of me as the brutally honest angel on your shoulder, pushing you to be your best self possible.

          • Would you be willing to refine that statement a little? I think I’ve made some very strong choices in my personal life. There are things I’ve done and decisions I’ve made that I would have been incapable of doing before. But there have been a couple of men who put those things to the test. Tony is one of them.

          • I wasn’t talking about every relationship or aspect of your personal life, but specifically with respect to Tony, since he has loomed over your romantic life for so long. Of course I’m sure you have learned and grown and made strides in your personal life and choices–the true tragedy in all of this would be if you didn’t, and simply continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

      • Back in May you wrote this: “It was one thing when he wasn’t on a direct path back to moving in, but now that he’s on the path? As far as I’m concerned, he’s cheating on his wife. With me. I asked him how she would feel if she found out about me, and he said “she wouldn’t be happy.” I know it is hard to let go, but my goodness, he obviously has no respect for his wife and that’s just a BIG red flag for me. Of course he would continue…he really should go to therapy to figure out why he stays involved with you and his wife…he’s got some issues that need to be figured out..

        • My first response to this is along the lines of “yes he said he was on that direct path but then he wasn’t and that made a different” blah blah… but none of that really matters. He should absolutely go to therapy. I suggested it a long time ago. He won’t. I think he’s a master at being able to frame things a certain way versus looking at the whole picture – for example, he would say he treated me very well because when we were together he was awesome, and he (in chapter 2) was communicative and response etc etc. But he wouldn’t step back and look at the hurt and lies and all that other stuff.

  1. Ugh. I don’t know how you can do it. Although, honestly, I did the same thing with my husband when we broke up as teenagers. It wasn’t planned, but it made the break up all the more painful for me. Sending love and healing light to you, Ann.

    • I may regret the decision, it’s possible. But I honestly don’t think it will cause me more pain – there’s been plenty already. Far too much. I’ve done the mental processing I need to do, which is the most important… and the place my head is at is different than before. xo

  2. I totally respect you and your decisions, and I do wish you luck in everything you do, but I don’t think this getaway is a good idea. I think you are prolonging something that isn’t going to end well. Sooner or later, the cord needs to be cut. I think sooner is better. ❤️

    • The cord is being cut tomorrow night, so it *is* sooner rather than later. If the date had been farther out I would have made a different decision. I also know exactly what I’m doing with this decision, and I know it’s not what people want me to say or do, and I’m sure everyone would love to read some badass chick version of just being done without seeing him again. It could very well be a bad plan, but I’m going to own it 🙂

  3. Going out with a bang may be a mistake – because you won’t. You’ve had how long to call it quits? Safer and less hurtful to be done now. Yank off the band-aid and get it done.

  4. I think bangs are to be avoided,if possible,when leaving a relationship.Unless ,underneath, you feel the need of a soft revenge,showing him what fabulous things is going to miss.
    My forecast: he will perform superbly, eventually both of you will.And on the basis of this climate,he will beg you not to end it.Hope you will trust him no more….
    Separations like the one between you and Tony are like taking out a friend who betrayed.You need to pool firmly the trigger,twice to be sure and avoid agony.Then and only after some time, you may recollect that the poor chap was not all that bad,nevertheless deserved his fate….
    Wish you courage and all the best

    • He won’t beg, I know that for sure. He doesn’t want to end but he also knows it has to, given the decisions he’s made. And yeah, I will admit there was a brief moment where I thought “he will never do [fill in the blank] with another woman ever again”, but immediately realized I’ve already got a special place in his heart.
      My mind is set on it being over. In fact most of it already is. I know many people here won’t believe it until they see it and I would be exactly the same if the tables were turned. I can just say I know what’s in my heart and head and I am done.

  5. I find Tony’s approach to the “old house/my house” issue irritating. He has an apartment. The house is the family home and she lives there. His status in relation to the house is not clear.

    An objective truth exists: he lives there, he doesn’t live there, or it’s somewhere in the middle (possibly actively transitioning). But of course it’s not about the house, it’s about what it represents.

    You were understandably hurt when he called it “his living room”, because that is also an assertion that they are a couple. She was hurt when he called it “his old house” because that is also an assertion that they are not a couple.

    Tony is getting hung up on the fact that those statements are mutually exclusive, and thus your happiness and hers are mutually exclusive. So he bends the facts to his understanding of what will make you or her happy.

    What he doesn’t seem to get is that he doesn’t have to make either of those statements. He could have said “I love this artwork!” or “This looks great here!” without any reference to whose house it us. Or, you know, not posted it at all. He also doesn’t get that “keeping someone happy” is not about finding the best words (“abracadabra!”) to paper over the hurtful thing that he did.

    But all of this is moot. Tony’s strained relationship with truth in the context of “keeping people happy” is not a new problem. And you’ve made your decision accordingly.

    Take care 🙂

    • You’ve said it far better than I ever could. Had he actually ever made a decision to really, fully go back to her, while I would be disappointed I ultimately would be happy for him because he’s made a decision. I would have respected him a lot more because he was able to make a difficult choice. And I would have been relieved. Even if I didn’t think it would make him happy, it would be better than this limbo that he apparently keeps both of us in. He’s not back there yet. I can imagine how frustrating it is for her because I’ve been in the same shoes with him. He can’t own his shit. Ironically my decision to actually set him (and me) free will likely allow her to not suffer that limbo anymore.

  6. Men are often territorial when it comes to the “my house” thing. I often talk to divorced or separated men that no longer live with their exes but still refer to it as “their” house, because they put money into it.

    On my blog I wrote about “Big Liar”. Similar situation in some respects with the whole ex thing. And since I’ve written and posted about him, he’s come back around again! But I’m not interested. He has whiskey dick anyway. lol

  7. I always look forward to your posts…even if they hit a nerve and frustrate me…but I so wish you would have written this one after the fact. After the deed was done and the cord was cut and all that jazz. Right now I am firmly in the “I’ll beleive it when I see it” camp with regards to you actually ending things with Tony. I see it continuing with the “we will stay in touch because we do love each other” and in a couple months (or sooner) a “just a visit” will turn into having sex and then yadda yadda yadda just more of the same.

    I’m totally being cynical and likely basing this thought process on my own life experience..lol. (and based on past experience this type of pattern is what Tony is probably banking on)

    In all honesty I do understand the urge to tick an item off the old “fucket list” with someone you enjoy a sexy bond with…I just wish Tony treated you in a way that was worthy of this last hurrah.

    • She is his mistress. Clearly this guy doesn’t see her as being worthy of anything else and clearly she is fine with that by her continued involvement.

      This Tony guy may be a sleeze for his continued involvement with her while he’s not only still married but obviously trying to make it work. However, she has shown no concern for being with men who are involved on more than one occasion. I’m not sure which is worse.

      I’ve read a lot of the posts on this blog and there’s a common denominator to all the shitty things men have done: her. She can’t be pissed at what she repeatedly allows and participates in.

      • He was separated – fully – when I met him. He’s not “still” married…he made a choice several months ago to go back to his wife. That didn’t happen quickly, it’s been a slow and painful process, and isn’t yet final, but I’m ending things with him because I know the path we are on and I don’t want to continue it.
        I’m not sure what you mean about “showing no concern for being with men who are involved”… is there some pattern I’m missing here? In recent memory I met a man who was married but had no knowledge of that in advance. I also haven’t written anything about his actual situation. And frankly, given I’m in love with Tony and he with me, I could very easily continue to have a physical relationship with him. But I’m not.
        and yeah, of course I’m the common denominator in all the bad things that have happened to me. I’m also the common denominator in all the amazing experiences I’ve have. And there are far more good things than bad in my life.

      • Hi Aaron, your comment makes me feel a real need to defend Ann.
        I have followed her blog for quite awhile and really the situation with Tony is not a standard affair. He seems to be a confused weak man who just wants to float along in peace and not have to make a decision because he fears making the wrong one. Sadly he will likely always be that way and personal life matters will always just “happen to him” because he can’t take the bull by the horns and make a damn decision for himself. He will take pleasure where he can get it. While he has been very lucky to get a lot of pleasure from Ann…and he no longer deserves that pleasure…she is not one who seeks to be a mistress and he put her into this position by his behavior. Her choice is to let go…albeit incredibly slowly but all of us women struggle with unentangling (so not a real word) our hearts when we feel that chemistry and have a hope for more from a man who has no more to give.

    • Totally okay to be in the “believe it when you see it” camp. I take no offense to that in the slightest. The way I see it, I can’t be in contact with him until I’m able to have had a break. I’m in a different place than I was a year ago when he came back…then, I was hoping that things were different, and I allowed that hope to propel me forward.

      I know we can’t be “friends” – that’s just ridiculous. Even if at some point I was to see him, I know it can’t be anywhere private. I’m not going to say whether we will ever be in touch – because I know at some point I will want to know how he’s doing – but I know that I need a break (TBD for how long), and any communications can’t be regular.

      And I wasn’t just seeing him because there was some “fucket” list item. That was actually a very minor part in deciding to see him in that way one last time.

  8. Look, Ms. St. Vincent:

    Boundless available online perspicacity and prescience (solicited or otherwise) notwithstanding, you need do what feels right for you. Then, whatever ensues, we will be here to cross that bridge with you when reached.

    And, dammit, no matter what you or anyone else thinks, “I’d [still] like to chew on your clit.” 😉

  9. Your last night with Tony is irrelevant to the bigger picture so I strongly disagree with the commenters above. Breaking up is hard work and we all have to choose what we feel will work best for us at the end. You have already made your decision and ripped off the bandaid in my opinion. The only one hurting his wife is him. I wish you all the strength you need to get through what comes after the night together.

    No relationship lies solely with one person, I’ve never heard something so foolish. You know this won’t work for you, you made you decision and you are fully accountable. It sucks and it’s terribly hard. I wish you strength. ❤️️

    • Thanks hon. You’re quite right that the one night is immaterial to the big picture, and absolutely right that I already did the mental “band aid ripping off”. It made a big difference in the nights we had together and in some ways served to prove to me that I would be fine.

  10. Be strong, Ann! Wishing you closure and peace as you truly cut ties with this guy. Here’s to making way for the relationship(s) you deserve. <3

  11. I also wanted to reply but didn’t know what to say. Jami said it all. Be strong, gain peace and closure and good luck in your next relationships. We’ll be here to continue reading about them.

  12. Oye. I read some of the comments and then I stopped.

    I am firmly on the side of “you don’t owe her anything”. Not gonna lie, if you were delighted with your role as now-mistress, I might judge you as having really low standards for yourself, but as it is, you are NOT ok with this demotion, you are NOT ok with the triangle, you are NOT ok with how he is treating you (you are the only person you really owe anything to, in this scenario, now that Tony has re-flaked – you dont even owe him anything anymore. He forfeited that privilege ages ago). I don’t see anything wrong with taking the time and the path necessary for you to bring this massively important relationship to a close, your way. If that means you tooka few more months rather than an abrupt (and excessively painful) ending.. so what? he already has betrayed both women in his life. The damage is done. Might as well minimize your scar tissue. She will have her own pain to deal with… she knows who she married, she is making her own set of choices, for which you are not responsible.

    Bah. Ppl. So judgy.

What do you think?