In vino veritas.

It’s funny how things work sometimes; especially love and heartbreak.

There have been numerous Tony “incidents” in the last couple of months which have stung. From breaking a four-year seal on photos of his “ex” wife on Instagram on my birthday, to his taking a vacation with his wife for her 40th birthday, sans child, for the first time in ages. There are several examples, all shitty – for me.

Intellectually, its interesting to decompose the various scenarios and try to understand her perspective. There are a few options – she’s either an innocent in all of this and has no idea what he’s up to, to the other extreme of she suspects./ knows and is putting him through his paces to prove his love before she pushes him to move back in.

But emotionally, it doesn’t matter to me. 

I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, clearly. When I give someone the short version of the Tony story I cringe when I list the scenarios and what it’s come to. For a smart woman I can be pretty dumb. However, a close friend stopped me from berating myself, reminding me I’ve obviously gotten something recently from the relationship, and she’s right.

But this isn’t about all the good.

In this moment, surrounded by friends and family, day drunk on white wine, I’m emotionally done.

::

Long overdue, I said no to a direct ask from Tony to see me earlier this week. I could have seen him, and chose not to. I recognize this could not be seen as a major accomplishment, but it was.

I was feeling good about this. Then last night, away with family, I noticed a missed call from him. I left it alone for an hour then succumbed and sent a text – “hey, saw I missed a call from you, what’s up?”

He called me back.

I picked up the phone, he said he was home alone (important for him to clarify) and done work and wanted to talk to me. It’s his pattern, you see. I’m the one he talks to. I’m the one he seeks understanding from. Lucky me.

We talked until I told him I needed to get back to my people. I had asked him what his plans were for the weekend and he was non-committal, mentioning only a lunch with his wife’s family on Sunday.

He and I have had a number of dialogues about his blocking me on his phone. You see, his phone is set to allow texts and emails to show up on his home screen. So when he’s with her,  apparently she’s all over his phone and for the last couple of months he just “mutes” me so my iMessages go through as texts and don’t show up automatically on his phone.

It makes me apoplectically angry. I’ve told him time and time again, since I’m the only human with the pleasure of knowing everything he’s up to, he should just be honest with me. I’ve asked him to simply tell me when he’s going to spend time with her and their son, and let me know when he’s going to be free again. I’m not trying to blow his cover, and it helps me to know to not try to talk to him, instead of reaching out and then finding I’m blocked which means he didn’t tell me what he was up to and for me to feel rejected and hidden yet again.

He’s used to being conservative with the truth, so this isn’t comfortable for him. Sometimes, he’s managed to be fully transparent and honest.

But not today.

I’ve reached my tipping point, the term coined by Malcolm Gladwell. I feel set up and foolish, yet again. I saw a post on Instagram from him today, a picture of some art he’s having framed. He and I spoke about it a few weeks ago; he called me the moment he won it on eBay, super excited. I loved it and he suggested perhaps one of them could end up at my house.

We follow each other on Instagram. I commented right away how beautiful the pieces were and followed up with a text that said “That’s where I used to take all of my stuff. She’s a friend of my Mom’s. I still want one of those in my house BTW.”

I noticed it didn’t show “delivered” right away. Sure enough, I was blocked, and in that moment I realized he was with her, not alone. I texted “Never mind, I see I’m blocked. And forget the art comment, I’m an idiot.”

I then noticed she also commented on his IG post “I can’t choose just one frame!”

And that, my friends, is it.

::

Hours later, there’s a picture of them in an orchard; yay family time.

I’m even more done.

We are supposed to have an overnight a couple of weeks from now. He’s rented a condo for the night, arranged a very expensive dinner, we plan to do ecstasy together, have me peg him, go to a sex shop, the list continues.

I had decided to go through with it and leave the night as a milestone after which to cease our physical relationship. Not because there’s anything magical about that night and being able to end it, but only because it served as a date to get my head around.

At this moment, I don’t think I can go through with it. The more he tells me how different things are between his relationship with me than with her (I don’t do those things with her Ann, I don’t talk to her the same way, I don’t get what I need, blah blah) it makes me want to puke.

The more I think about a potentially innocent woman on the other side of the equation, the more I think about the level of deception in which he’s engaging, the more I think about the ultimate cowardliness and weakness he’s exhibiting by being unable to move one way or another, I just… can’t.

Of course, I’m blocked for the rest of the weekend, no doubt. There’s a lot I want to say to him but there’s not much point when it goes into the ether of the internet. I have to think about what to say when he comes back up for air, but I suppose, after almost two years, there’s really nothing new to say at all.

Maybe I will just send him the link to this blog and let him see it all for himself.

74 thoughts on “In vino veritas.

  1. Do t do it! I wish I had never, ever, let J see something on my blog. Never did I think he’d choose to follow. Now I have I watch and measure everything I say on it. I fuckin hate that.

  2. Tony has a family life with his wife,the mother of his child.He also has some wild overnights with you.
    Very conveniently, he obtains from both sides what he apparently fancies more in each.He preserves this modus vivendi with lies and duplicity.
    There is not much novelty in all this,but the fact that you let him have it.And then, you become “apoplectically angry” with him,instead with yourself!
    Changing subject,this perspective of
    pegging him, his request or yours?

    • Oh Jules, please don’t think for a moment my anger is more at him than with myself. That’s what my anger post was all about – while I am angry with him because he lies, I’m not angry that he’s doing the things which make sense for someone planning to move back in with an “ex”. My anger is all about hurt, frustration, and my inability to end this so far.

          • Not so common, according to my old-fashioned habits.
            Nevertheless,you have to consider this fantasy of his in the context of the particular phase of your relationship.In my eyes, it is one more detail indicative of :
            a) him being mostly a taker, not a giver,
            b) him looking to explore his fantasies before (or without) sharing his everyday/real life with you.
            I totally understand someone who, once he really commits himself to an emotional relationship, wishes to share/explore kinky fantasies ,even if these involve strap-ons, sex-club visits,etc.Because all these will strengthen his connection to you.
            BUT, but someone who proceeds in the opposite way,most probably approaches in an ephemeral way (mainly for fun) his relationship with you. Which is not bad per se, if made clear in advance.Was Tony clear?

            Anyway, forget all said above and have some steam (and grief) off, reading that poem in your “contact&find me” address. Lol

  3. Please, Ann. Do not see him. At this point, you are back into a full-tilt affair. It might be tolerable for some, and lord knows I’ve been there. You know that for all the specialness you feel being the one whom tony “understands”, you only get that distinction because you are having an affair with him.
    Let’s also start calling her his wife. They are still estranged, but she has reclaimed the rights and privileges of being his above-board partner.
    What you could do is keep the date with him, but somehow instruct his wife to meet him there instead of you. Meanwhile, take yourself out on a lovely night with your best gal pals. I can imagine she’d be overjoyed to find her husband ready to share an intensely romantic weekend with her, and he’d have to put his money where his mouth is as far as emotionally showing up for the only woman he is courageous enough to be publicly accountable to. I am sure you can find a way to reach out to her without capsizing the boat, since you are savvy.

    • Thank you – two things caught my eye in your comment. Saying I’m “back into” and affair sounds like that’s how it started, and that’s untrue. Minor point but important to me; he was separated and living alone when I met him.
      And second, I was special to him even when it was just him and I – that specialness doesn’t come from the fact he’s gone back to her and it’s now practically an affair. It has everything to do with how he accepts me and knows me and has nothing to do with anyone else. If anything, him telling me how different things are with me now aren’t what I want to hear because it highlights the situation I’m now in with him.
      I’m not going to set her up to meet him instead of me. It’s an interesting notion but it’s not what I want to do.

  4. Oh Ann, my heart is with you. I know what it’s like to love a man who you know will just keep hurting you. I don’t want to give u advice. You know what’s best for you. I just want to see u happy ❤️

  5. Kick his ass….metaphorically, of course!
    I like the idea of him on his knees begging for…. forget it, I don’t think he has it in him!

    • He won’t beg, he will just take it and slink back to her… of course she thinks he’s already back. He will be sad no doubt, but he won’t beg, he won’t change, nothing will happen except when he stops seeing me he’s more likely to move back in.

    • I will; I’m at that point now.

      And there are so many people who have no compunction about carrying on when married or being engaged with married people for extended periods of time. I’m not one of them.

  6. Of course you and Tony are very special to each other..you both can be sexually free and open with each other and accept each other’s wild sides. There is something incredibly bonding in that……..but at the end of the day he keeps you hidden just as any married man keeps his mistress so secret. While you didn’t start out as his mistress you have let him turn you into one.

    He doesn’t deserve all you have given him…..and holding out for that “one last special night” is just an excuse to not let go now. (We’ve all done it and I believe around this time last year we were urging someone else not to use this excuse to keep holding on).

    I hope for your sake you manage to really cut the ties this time. Don’t continue to let him use you like this.

    • Yes. I agree with Sassgirl40 I know it’s really hard when you feel the relationship started above board, and that you are special whether or not you are the Other Woman. But s full tilt affair is just what it’s turned into.
      It’s not that his wife thinks she has him back. She does have him back. Tony does think of you in a different way and lets you get closer, but in a completely compartmentalized way. He also needs you to believe you have the deepest insight on him because deep down, he knows that you’d have run to the hills long ago if there wasn’t this hook. It’s also a classic thing cuckolders tell the people they are cheating with. They say it because they believe it, too! But that way makes you suffer. You know all this. You’re fucking brave to share it all. Now, time to walk away.
      Will it be hard for you to walk away unless you can get closure or the last word? I know that it would be for me, but I also know that with someone like Tony, waiting for closure, waiting for him to admit that he’s but you in a place you don’t care to be, will be tough. He will unconsciously manipulate you by not giving it, his words and actions vague. Know that seeking out closure with him, being emotionally open to him, gives him another opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. It sounds like you are able to come to your own closure here. Consider that you don’t need him to give it to you. Consider not betraying much emotion.
      The hard work is going to be protecting yourself from those inevitable times that he reaches out when you are both lonely.
      My revenge plan above was a little juvenile. I might, however, insist that if you ever see him again, you also meet his wife. You will keep your cover, but having you all meet each other will force you and Tony to really understand how Tony’s choice makes his wife part of the picture. Consider, if you don’t want to see them together, if you don’t want to go through that awkwardness, then you shouldn’t want to see him. Obviously, Tony will have no desire for the two of you to meet.
      You will be the one to have to enforce everything.
      I’m so sorry!

      • Of course I fantasize about meeting his wife, not from some revenge perspective but just because I’d love to understand her perspective and hope to not find her to be an innocent. But the thought of her being shocked by all of this is what keeps me from doing it. I have no desire to hurt her. There’s plenty of pain already between the three of us.

        With regard to him making me feel special because it keeps me tied to him – I have to disagree, sorry. It’s been that way from the very start, and I know he isn’t faking it or being manipulative when he tells me (and more importantly, shows me) all the things he adores about me. He is genuinely not threatened by my brain or my job, he knows about the stuff I got up to last year when we weren’t dating and just thought it was hot. Etc etc. I don’t doubt his love for me at all.

        BUT. None of it really matters, does it?

    • There is so much more to our connection than sex, and for me, his love of me in all my facets – intellectual, sexual, etc – has been what has kept me tied to him. That ultimately is what has made him special for me. I’ve had men who accept my wild side, but can’t handle the other stuff.
      And with regard to the special night – yes. Of course I would argue some elements are different (it’s not me pushing for it, Tony wants it, isn’t trying to end what he has with me, etc etc), but ultimately agree that waiting for some event to occur in order to try to create a milestone event that makes a relationship easier to end simply won’t work. It’s just an excuse for one more experience – but I’ve had so many with him already.
      Don’t forget though, I’ve used him too. He’s been a crutch I’ve used to avoid ever feeling completely alone. He’s filled my time and his love has been important to me. So yeah, sure, I’m single and he’s not anymore, but I own my part in choosing to let this continue.

      • I feel like in your relationship with Tony it’s just always the same dance with slightly different variations thrown in. You see you aren’t getting what you need and you end it…..it starts up again..he still can’t meet your needs and it ends or changes slightly and then he still can’t change enough to meet your needs and then you change it again so that it feels better but STILL he can’t be what you need (single and honest).
        Looking back from the beginning it’s really only you that has had to change…you’ve gone from being intolerant of being a mistress to exactly thar….a woman who sits by waiting for her lover to “surface” from his family time. But has Tony really changed at all?? Doesn’t seem so. You keep changing changing what you say you want in order to keep him in your life in some way (ie: we’re just friends..yet your anger towards his disappointing behavior is that of a hurt lover). Of course Tony will just keep doing what he is doing….he knows you will always be there in some fashion when he surfaces.

          • I may well be mistaken but it seemed like there had been a time in the last 8 months where he again disappointed and you went awhile without talking…but then you started talking again and I thought for some reason your rationale at that time was that you were just going to occasionally chat and not hook up.

          • Yes I’ve taken breaks from talking to him, it was last during HWSNBN I believe, but it’s never lasted, obviously. And yes absolutely correct that I’ve known for a long time the only real way forward, other than full no contact, is to not see him. But “friends” isn’t realistic. I don’t consider the occasional text and maybe dinner a couple of times a year “friends”, but that’s all I could do without falling back – I think. Perhaps even that will be too much.
            And absolutely correct my intention has been to do that, but it hasn’t stuck.

          • I think it’s these posts that really led me to believe that for awhile you were maybe trying to distance yourself or just be friends…as you commented a few months ago that you won’t be his mistress yet here we are….Tony always seems to get the relationship with you he wants.

            http://annstvincent.com/2016/04/this-is-the-relationship-he-always-wanted/

             http://annstvincent.com/2016/05/wont-actor-play-lies/#more-6211

            http://annstvincent.com/2016/07/tony-relationship-expiry/

            In that last one is the quote I was remembering with regards to the “one last experience”

            “Tony seems to have an internal “to do” list he wants to check off with me before we stop seeing each other. It reminded me so much of Madeline as she tried to justify “just one more” experience with the Cowboy before she was willing to break it off with him. As we well know, this doesn’t help with the healing, it simply delays the goodbye”

            I personally think Tony knows by now that there will be no actual goodbye. There will always remain contact and if he can get himself in the same room as you the chemistry will kick in and you will be back in each others arms and beds. He is doing this with his wife and he is doing this with you. He doesn’t want to let go of anyone and he doesn’t actually need to.

          • Sassy – my intention has been to distance myself for a while. Yes. I don’t need my old posts to know that. This is precisely why I haven’t been writing about him… all the things you point out are right, the “to do list” I reference is what he wants to do a couple weeks from now, it’s not new. I would write the same thing – there’s no healing to come from it, just delays the goodbye. And I’m sorry honestly if this sounds snarky but I don’t need to hear about Tony being a bad guy and how nothing has changed, what he knows or doesn’t know, how he doesn’t need to let go of me and I haven’t yet followed through on my intention. I know, I know, I know. After deciding to end my marriage this is the hardest relationship decision I’ve ever had to make. I’m writing about it now because my head is finally in a different place, I reached a tipping point which is different from the times before – I’m not so interested in writing about all the nuances why – but it’s there and who / what he is, isn’t, what his wife knows or doesn’t know, their relationship versus ours…
            None of that matters. What matters is the place I’m at now, where I was yesterday, in that moment when something inside me finally broke.

  7. Ann, it’s painful to read this, but I think you know exactly what is good for you.
    Like others, I believe it’ll be easier not to see him again, stay on your ‘pissed off’ memory of how bad he makes you feel rather than leave on a high of the amazing sex the two of you had.
    Not to mention, that overnight would be so difficult, knowing that you’re about to tell him you are going to cut all contact with him.
    I know because this reminds me so much about what happened with my ex and I. We had a weekend planned, I knew it was going to be the last one, I was going to ask him for a divorce. A second time.
    The build up to that evening was awful, every friend we met that evening I felt like I was betraying, because I knew something they didn’t.

    Whatever your decision, good luck!
    XO

  8. Something just occurred to me!
    Are you about to CUT ALL CONTACT with Tony?
    I vote for this option, but I remember your plan to continue some level of platonic communication.
    Insight?

  9. While I was for a long time on #teamtony, I’m over him. The moment he acknowledged his confusion, it was over for me. I could say a thousand things to back up my position, but you already know them yourself. There is nothing I can say that is news to you. I sincerely hope you can cut those ties for good. My mother’s Swami G once said, you must get rid of the old to make room for the new. I think his lingering on the periphery for so long is blocking your ability to find what you seek – and I mean that spiritually speaking, not physically.

    • I’m curious why it was that moment that did it for you?
      And your Mom’s swami sounds like my mother, who told me this weekend I needed to clear everyone out of my life to be ready for something amazing.

      • Moms are wise – we must listen to them. (Well, at least sometimes.) If I am recalling correctly, he seemed fully into you and though the marriage had yet to dissolve, he still had his own place and seemed to be,albeit slowly, moving forward and toward you. And while i don’t remember the exact moment, I do remember becoming more and more skeptical as he did the dance around his wife. I was hoping for a while that this was part of the breaking-away process, but he also started becoming more wishy-washy with you. And – moreover – after all that time – still keeping you in a separate compartment in his life. That’s okay for a time, but eventually if it’s the real deal, it will become time to take the relationship out in the open.

        • You are quite right. In what I refer to as “Chapter 2”, it seemed to be exactly that way. And yes, there were then things he said and did that made me realize he wasn’t breaking away as I thought. So yes, that helps me understand what you mean 🙂

        • I know I sound completely opinionated and judgy but your experience is so boiler-plate and I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve seen so many close girlfriends in your shoes. You can rationalize and justify your choices all you want, but at the end of the day, no one falls in love on accident and in your case, you invested in someone who was not 100% available to you. And you fell deeper as he slowly pulled away, giving you less now than what he started with initially.

          When we truly love ourselves and see our worth, we not only realize who we are and what we deserve, but we see that we are all connected. You want a good man and partner for yourself but you’ve chosen to be intimate with another woman’s husband. You’ve chosen to give yourself to someone who is weak and self absorbed. You aren’t open to the greatness of a “good man” because you are still wrapped with a weak one and you are creating bad karma by being deceitful. She may not be your wife but she’s another woman out there trying to save her family. How can you feel good about yourself, in the depths of your core about it? I’ve been there and done so many of the things you’ve done and they were all very selfish reasons. My heart was trying, it had good intentions because like you, I just wanted to be loved for who I was. But I was settling and each time I gave in, I hurt myself even further.

          We shouldn’t hurt ourselves over and over again simply because someone says they love us. Words mean shit and actions say it all. Tony has shown you that you are his pocket girl. And he’s torturing you. It’s as clear as day.

          I am a big believer in sexual freedoms and kink and fun and all that stuff. I’ve done some shit that would shock my friends lol but it wasn’t fulfilling. It turned me on at the time and felt like it was what I wanted. Looking back and reading your posts, I can’t help but feel lonely about it all.

          Even in your most raunchy, naughty experiences, I read a deep longing and loneliness in your words. I know that the journey to true self discovery and enlightenment is a long one filled with many turns and missteps. I finally arrived at the point where I had no clue how to get there so I decided to just pretend. Even if I didn’t know how to love myself, I acted as if — with every man that came into my life, with the old cling-ons, within friendships and even parenting, I asked myself “what would a strong woman, in love with herself, do?” and I did it.

          Sometimes it meant choosing pain over temporary comfort. Sometimes it meant treating my body like a temple. Sometimes it meant giving up on finding that person and coming to terms with it and designing a life without a partner. I suspect it looks different for everyone.

          But I see you. I see someone worth waiting for, someone worth fighting for.

        • The equation for me is not about me realizing my worth. Based on your subsequent comment I’m sure you will disagree, since I’m a “boiler plate” example of things, but I can only tell you my difficulty in saying goodbye isn’t because I don’t realize the value I bring to a relationship.

          • I don’t think you are a boiler plate, this situation is. I’m sure that you do value yourself. But I am suggesting that this really isn’t about Tony. This is about you. Because how could such a strong, intelligent woman be so captivated by someone so incapable of being her equal? Someone so incapable of giving himself completely and who chooses to lie rather than be courageous? I am suggesting that this goes way deeper and could possibly have more to do with fear of loss, and perhaps some childhood stuff you are recreating in your adult life. I have no doubt there is a strong connection. But it doesn’t sound special or unique from the outside, when the “stuff” is stripped away. And this isn’t about the value you bring to a relationship, again it’s much deeper than that. You are so certain that this situation has nothing to do with the things I mention and yet you keep going through this cycle with him, you keep drawing a boundary and then not enforcing it. You even refrain from writing about him because you don’t want to “hear it.”
            I can tell that my comments have offended you. Especially the ones suggesting that your relationship isn’t special or unique, so I’m not going to comment any more going forward. I just hope that soon, you let go of Tony, so you can heal and find someone that fulfills you. My intention isn’t to offend, but it can be frustrating to watch this all play out and I’ve been following your blog for a really long time. I apologize if I offended you.

          • I have written several times about my childhood relationship with my father and how the pattern of seeking something from an unavailable man is one I am working on freeing myself from.
            So I’ve never said this situation isn’t about that – you’re absolutely right that it’s deeper and related to childhood stuff. But it’s not only about that.
            And I have written so much about him and this journey – enough for more than one novel…
            It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I’ve heard it and know it and at some point hearing it more doesn’t make a difference. I also know, as you say (and you aren’t the first) that it’s frustrating to keep reading about the same thing when there is seemingly no progress. I actually also didn’t want to frustrate everyone so much they stop reading.
            Thank you for your apology – yes I didn’t like some of what you said, for sure. I do hope you will continue to read and comment going forward.

          • I just want to fix the world because I haven’t yet fixed myself. I’m almost 40 and I’m finally (starting) to practice what I preach. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and prescribe solutions or project my stuff onto others, but mostly it’s because I’ve been in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. I’m remarried and living the life I’ve always wanted – 99% of the time. The remaining 1% is the part of me that picks up when he calls and knows I’ll always be connected to him, even if the connection is as thin as a spider web string.
            But he’ll never get more than that, because now that I’m distant from him, I wonder why I gave him any more than that.
            Again, I apologize for my bluntness and judgement. I really just want us women to let it go so that we can focus on ruling the world. Much love to you sister xo

          • You’re quite right, and I’ve been in this situation – it’s easier to see things and patterns when we aren’t in the heart of it. It’s partly why I blog. But absolutely all this is easier said than done.
            xo

  10. Oh dear. I understand that feeling of breaking on the inside. I had mine 2 weeks ago. And surprisingly, it has freed me – I still see Beaut (we dance together 3x a week) and he is under the impression everything is good, blithely unaware that something fundamentally changed in me and my love for him is done. I am free from his hold over me.

    Again and again, I understand the gradual disengaging. To me it is the healthiest approach, that allows for grieving, learning and change, instead of brutal scar tissue from an abrupt and unnatural ending. But this new stuff? This sounds awful. To feel devalued into a shameful secret will polute all the memories, and is a corrosive feeling for you to have. Be good to yourself, handle with care.

    • Have you written about what finally freed you of his hold? If so I may have missed it.
      I’m keenly aware of the corrosive nature of this stuff and I don’t want to just have angry and bitter thoughts left. Yes there was lots that was bad but I also have an amazing connection with him and I felt wonderful when I was with him. That’s the stuff I want to remember – not the pain.

      • Not really: it came in the aftermath of the Peniscation + Queen B posts. It involved some hilarious/shocking/absurd convos with Beaut AND Main Girl, and something in me just snapped, permanently. Beaut and I have spoken since, and have reached a level of friendly interaction, but I have lost the ability to see him as I did (aka him and his potential, which I think he found intoxicating). I believe I finally see him as he truly is, and I do not love that man, and frankly, have trouble respecting him. Fondness for what was, and what might of been remains, mildly, but no fondness or desire for what is. He is not what I want.

      • Also, seeing him as he truly is took care of a lot of the hurt: a person’s actions can hurt you only if you believe them to be a betrayal of a shared set of values or code of conduct. But in Beaut’s case I finally understood that he didn’t betray or intend to hurt me because he was incapable of more true or honorable behaviour. I can’t resent him for not exhibiting behaviour that is outside of his scope of understanding.

        THAT is what my loss of respect looks like. Absolution through contempt and acceptance.

What do you think?