I will save all of you the effort of typing to say: I KNOW.
I KNOW I’M SELF-FLAGELLATING MYSELF (to use the words of the ever-wise Hyacinth Jones).
There. I’ve saved you the effort of typing.
I’ve been avoiding writing about Tony because it feels it will come across as all the same. There are shifts in what’s happening and how I’m pulling away but they are admittedly subtle and unlikely to come across as any progress whatsoever. I will reassure all of you naysayers there is absolutely progress in this little brain of mine. I’m very close to where I need to be and I never thought it would take so long to get there.
I’m not a fan of pain, but unfortunately the pattern of me seeking the affection and attention of a fundamentally unavailable man is one set a long long time ago. It’s comfortable because it’s familiar, but uncomfortable in all other ways. Being aware of it is a great first step; as I’ve written before, I am slowly building a habit of disconnecting from Tony and the siren song of his feelings for me, but I’ve not yet been able to end things entirely. Clearly.
I forget what I’ve said and not said here. Short version of the last couple of months with him is: I was able to get some much needed distance in the month he was off working in faraway lands. But his return coincided with my ceasing the bulk of my dating and sexual activities and – at his continual requests – I let him fill too much of that new space.
A few weeks ago I told him the intensity couldn’t continue, and I’ve been successful in carving out my space again. This is a good thing. Very little texting, not talking every day, etcetera.
I’m just not at 0 yet.
Tony asked if he could see me. Mentally exhausted from a shit ton of various stressors, and physically exhausted from my nights with Lewis and Todd, I lay on my couch recognizing I hadn’t heard from Tony but was as relieved I was annoyed. Maybe more so, because the more annoyed and angry I become, the easier it is to stop.
And then he called. Coming off some intense work days, he too was laying on his couch, not wanting to go anywhere.
Let’s skip ahead, shall we? To my deciding to hop in my car and go to him, overnight bag in hand.
He had champagne on ice, and his vaporizer warming up for me. He’d chosen a blues and soul playlist just for me. He greeted me with the deep kisses, shoulder bites, and full body hugs that make me melt.
Oh, and he’d taken MDMA, aka Molly, aka Ecstasy. He and I had talked for months about doing it together; I’ve never done any drugs stronger than marijuana (well there was the one time I ate mushrooms but they just tasted gross and did nothing for me) and everything I’ve heard tells me sex is incredible on Ecstasy.
However, I knew Tony had to leave his place the next morning super early and so was nervous about how I would feel the next morning and didn’t want to be alone. Before I left for his place, I told him I wasn’t going to do it and wasn’t sure he was either.
But he did, and in hindsight I’m really glad he did. Because I got to see first hand the impact which makes me definitely want to try, but more importantly, because Tony on ecstasy was a sex machine, way more than usual. An over-the-top lovey dovey romantic sex machine. All he wanted to do was please me, touch me, tell me how awesome and beautiful I was, serve me, and fuck me over and over again. He made me squirt for the first time and told me later it would help him cum for the rest of his life.
And it was pretty fun to be on the receiving end of that.
I probably don’t need to say it was also not fun going from that intensity back to reality. But I don’t regret it.
He woke me up when he left the next morning, and I went back to bed. When I woke up again I went back to my reality, declining his request for me to stay until he came back.
It was my second night of 2am, and I still had one more to go. But not to worry, it wasn’t with a former lover or new lovers or any lovers whatsoever. It was with family, and it was much needed.
The last day of the weekend, completely wrecked from my adventures, I stayed at home. I decided to reopen an Adult Friend Finder profile. More to cum 🙂