3 Night of 2am – Night 2 (part 3)

I will save all of you the effort of typing to say: I KNOW.

I KNOW I’M SELF-FLAGELLATING MYSELF (to use the words of the ever-wise Hyacinth Jones).

There. I’ve saved you the effort of typing.

I’ve been avoiding writing about Tony because it feels it will come across as all the same. There are shifts in what’s happening and how I’m pulling away but they are admittedly subtle and unlikely to come across as any progress whatsoever. I will reassure all of you naysayers there is absolutely progress in this little brain of mine. I’m very close to where I need to be and I never thought it would take so long to get there.

I’m not a fan of pain, but unfortunately the pattern of me seeking the affection and attention of a fundamentally unavailable man is one set a long long time ago. It’s comfortable because it’s familiar, but uncomfortable in all other ways. Being aware of it is a great first step; as I’ve written before, I am slowly building a habit of disconnecting from Tony and the siren song of his feelings for me, but I’ve not yet been able to end things entirely. Clearly.

I forget what I’ve said and not said here. Short version of the last couple of months with him is: I was able to get some much needed distance in the month he was off working in faraway lands. But his return coincided with my ceasing the bulk of my dating and sexual activities and – at his continual requests – I let him fill too much of that new space.

A few weeks ago I told him the intensity couldn’t continue, and I’ve been successful in carving out my space again. This is a good thing. Very little texting, not talking every day, etcetera.

I’m just not at 0 yet.


Tony asked if he could see me. Mentally exhausted from a shit ton of various stressors, and physically exhausted from my nights with Lewis and Todd, I lay on my couch recognizing I hadn’t heard from Tony but was as relieved I was annoyed. Maybe more so, because the more annoyed and angry I become, the easier it is to stop.

And then he called. Coming off some intense work days, he too was laying on his couch, not wanting to go anywhere.

Let’s skip ahead, shall we? To my deciding to hop in my car and go to him, overnight bag in hand.

He had champagne on ice, and his vaporizer warming up for me. He’d chosen a blues and soul playlist just for me. He greeted me with the deep kisses, shoulder bites, and full body hugs that make me melt.

Oh, and he’d taken MDMA, aka Molly, aka Ecstasy. He and I had talked for months about doing it together; I’ve never done any drugs stronger than marijuana (well there was the one time I ate mushrooms but they just tasted gross and did nothing for me) and everything I’ve heard tells me sex is incredible on Ecstasy.

However, I knew Tony had to leave his place the next morning super early and so was nervous about how I would feel the next morning and didn’t want to be alone. Before I left for his place, I told him I wasn’t going to do it and wasn’t sure he was either.

But he did, and in hindsight I’m really glad he did. Because I got to see first hand the impact which makes me definitely want to try, but more importantly, because Tony on ecstasy was a sex machine, way more than usual. An over-the-top lovey dovey romantic sex machine. All he wanted to do was please me, touch me, tell me how awesome and beautiful I was, serve me, and fuck me over and over again. He made me squirt for the first time and told me later it would help him cum for the rest of his life.

And it was pretty fun to be on the receiving end of that.

I probably don’t need to say it was also not fun going from that intensity back to reality. But I don’t regret it.

He woke me up when he left the next morning, and I went back to bed. When I woke up again I went back to my reality, declining his request for me to stay until he came back.

It was my second night of 2am, and I still had one more to go. But not to worry, it wasn’t with a former lover or new lovers or any lovers whatsoever. It was with family, and it was much needed.

The last day of the weekend, completely wrecked from my adventures, I stayed at home. I decided to reopen an Adult Friend Finder profile. More to cum 🙂

12 thoughts on “3 Night of 2am – Night 2 (part 3)

  1. One of the most amazing moments I had in the last few months with my completely-unavailable man was when he was euphoric on butalbital, a narcotic prescribed for headaches (which he legitimately suffers from). He was hanging onto every word I said, wanting to hear more, more, MORE… telling me how much he wanted to travel with me to my hometown and visit my family, and then when we parted, we walked together outside and he made a big display of kissing me goodbye in public, people seeing us, saying that he never does that with anyone. He was giving me the things I wanted, and he knew it, and he loved it, because he felt great. Have I seen that man ever since? No. Lesson learned. Whether or not you believe drugs can give us a gleaning of someone’s true selves, it takes drugs to get them there, and you can’t expect them to be drugged up normally. I am glad that you are likewise making the shift from Tony. If anything, you know that the wonderful things you saw from his euphoric side are things that you can look for in someone else. I can understand subtle shifts. In order to move on from someone, you have to detach on mamy levels. As long as there is still one point of attachment, it still seems as if you are no closer to freedom. But, you have to undo those points of attachment, one at a time. When the last one is undone, then you will reap the fruits of your hard labor. I am confident.

  2. Adult Friend Finder is the pits in my country….lasted two weeks of ‘can I lick you pissy?’ Gems from the Geniuses on that site….*shudders at the memory*

    And Tony has the best & most convenient FWB he could ever find….shame that’s not what you wanted from him.


  3. I swear your Tony is my Beaut. And your distancing process is the same as mine.

    I haven’t written about Beaut since my angry posts last week for similar reasons as you: I don’t wanna sound like a broken record. My close friends and family have told me they are fed up of his name. They have insisted I drop him cold turkey. But like you, I cannot bring myself to amputate a relationship that meant so much to me. I insist on winding it down – for my sake, and my well-being. Its hard (lol, pun intended 😉 ).

  4. Performance sex with one or two partners on ecstasy is by definition an extraordinary experience.
    Extraordinary because no elementary regularity or simple repetition is to be reasonably expected.Unless, intoxication becomes an addiction.In any case, next morning you wake up face to face with a sober and therefore different person!
    AFF, is convenient,mostly because theoretically it is time saving.But there is such an amount of garbage in there! Perhaps,the chances a beautiful & skilled woman stands to meet worthy men in AFF are practically the same with those she will have, let`s say, in a suitable bar or in any other venue of real life.Yeah, I know, an old-timer`s approach…

    • I don’t have an addictive personality so I’m not concerned about becoming addicted to any mind-altering substances.
      And yes, I’m not sure about AFF yet, there is definitely a lot to wade through, but it’s worth a bit of time investment to see what’s out there.

      • I can feel you are not an addictive personality.Not sure about your partner,he sounds confused and desperate.
        I certainly do not blame you for AFF,though in Europe it sucks.
        Generally speaking,the virtual landscape of dating is an attempt to postpone the unavoidable reality: in order to meet and date other people,one must have the time to be there + the physical and intellectual potential to seduce.
        Through dating (or hooking up) sites,rejection usually takes some messages ,there is time for hope for everyone!.In real life this is is done, mercilessly, at a glance!
        My impression is that you can excel as a field player, with real men you pick up and handle on an eye to eye contact.You do that very,very well on the professional field,why not on the sentimental/sexual one?
        One last thing,certainly not the least :You said to Todd and you were right (in spite of being more than tipsy) that your professional success scares men.Allow me to point out : it is the combination of your (volcanic) sexual temperament + having a successful career which definitely unbalances most men you get to know through the internet.The majority of men n the dating sites are elusive,relatively insecure creatures.
        All men you come across in venues of real life fail not to discern the glow of professional success you radiate.You need only to take interest in to those who dare to accept the challenge your overall personality represents.It is otherwise called natural selection…Lol

What do you think?