I’m rarely really angry. When it happens, I get ice cold from head to toe. And when that happens, it’s pretty pure anger. I’m glad it’s rare; it’s a terrible feeling.
I rarely yell. My anger is cold, not hot. My ex was a volcano – his anger simmered under the surface until it blew over, he would yell or say horrible nasty cruel things, and then it would be over.
Even more rare for me is irrational anger – not a surprise to most of you I suppose. I usually can think away any strong emotion. It’s also one of the things I’ve been working on: actually feeling what I feel, instead of talking it away.
Last night I experienced something even more rare – the overwhelming urge to throw my phone across the room. I wanted to smash something. I was not cold; I was firey hot. I made statements in anger – mostly irrational and ill-thought out. Made to elicit a response. Hoping the other party would say “no, Ann, don’t say that, it’s not true.”
Like most immature, petulant comments, I did not get the response I hoped for.
And it made me even madder.
The ability to feel anger is better than feeling nothing. Nothing means you don’t care. Nothing means you are dead inside. Nothing means you aren’t invested enough in the other person.
I’m still steaming – literally – the day after. Perhaps I could take that cold shower and not feel it.
This anger is not really about anger. When I get cold, then yes, it is pure. But this? What you see and experience is anger but it’s all about what’s under the surface. Hurt, denial, frustration, sadness, etcetera. That’s what this is about.
I am not measured in my responses. I want to yell and say things I mean at some level but know I would regret. I am not an emotional foot stomping type. I am not petty. I don’t burn bridges.
But that’s where I am today. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t know what resolution there is because it’s a choice between anger and heart ache.
The latter I can handle; I’ve been here before.
Who got me to this place?
And not to worry, my phone is intact. But not much else is.