Anger is an iceberg.

I’m rarely really angry. When it happens, I get ice cold from head to toe. And when that happens, it’s pretty pure anger. I’m glad it’s rare; it’s a terrible feeling.

I rarely yell. My anger is cold, not hot. My ex was a volcano – his anger simmered under the surface until it blew over, he would yell or say horrible nasty cruel things, and then it would be over.

Even more rare for me is irrational anger – not a surprise to most of you I suppose. I usually can think away any strong emotion. It’s also one of the things I’ve been working on: actually feeling what I feel, instead of talking it away.

Last night I experienced something even more rare – the overwhelming urge to throw my phone across the room. I wanted to smash something. I was not cold; I was firey hot. I made statements in anger – mostly irrational and ill-thought out. Made to elicit a response. Hoping the other party would say “no, Ann, don’t say that, it’s not true.”

Like most immature, petulant comments, I did not get the response I hoped for.

And it made me even madder.

The ability to feel anger is better than feeling nothing. Nothing means you don’t care. Nothing means you are dead inside. Nothing means you aren’t invested enough in the other person.

I’m still steaming – literally – the day after. Perhaps I could take that cold shower and not feel it.

This anger is not really about anger. When I get cold, then yes, it is pure. But this? What you see and experience is anger but it’s all about what’s under the surface. Hurt, denial, frustration, sadness, etcetera. That’s what this is about.

I am not measured in my responses. I want to yell and say things I mean at some level but know I would regret. I am not an emotional foot stomping type. I am not petty. I don’t burn bridges.

But that’s where I am today. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t know what resolution there is because it’s a choice between anger and heart ache.

The latter I can handle; I’ve been here before.

Who got me to this place?


Who else?

And not to worry, my phone is intact. But not much else is.

28 thoughts on “Anger is an iceberg.

    • I’m not trying to keep anyone in suspense, what he did or didn’t do is really not that important. It’s his usual shit, and some new shit to be expected since in theory he’s moving back with his wife – at this rate though, probably in 2018. I honesty don’t want to give the BS (his and mine) much more importance because in some cases with him he’s doing things that don’t surprise me and I haven’t done all the things I should do to limit my hurt.

  1. Without further explanation I’m left believing that your “pulling away” hasn’t been as successful as you’ve thought.😒

  2. I’m the volcano sort, so I “get” the feelings that that brings. The iceberg sorts always scared me (my dad is sort of like that). That said, I think there’s a disturbance in the force and the more time I spend paying attention to it, the more people come forward describing unusual reactions, feelings, or just general unrest. I’m feeling like this every day. Thankfully my ex has stayed off the radar during this time, but I’m always on guard. I hope things turn around for you positively and SOON.

  3. From yesterday:
    “Tony did some shit that’s nothing new but still pissed me off – mostly because it just made me sad. I’m continuing to pull back.”

    From an old Nissan commercial: “Go farther . . .”

  4. As always I feel like your blog is just a more grownup version of what I am going through. The last post = me right now (Ive been writing about headaches & work), and as for this one… Yes.

    I too never feel anger. It is rare. And when I do, real anger, not anger mixed with hurt… it is cold and scary. But my Tony (Beaut) has lately done a few things that make me hurt-angry. The kind of hurt-angry where I want to either scratch out his eyes or say the few things that I know will wound him emotionally forever. Its fucking hard to keep a lid on this. I am almost angrier at not having the opportunity of hurting him as much he hurt me. Being an adult SUCKS.

    Men too. The existence of men is proof enough that God does not exist, because no self-respecting deity could ever have created such a fucked up creature.


    • Yeah,,man certainly constitutes the proof that nobody is perfect,not even Almighty….
      Exploding with anger is nothing more than a healthy reaction of our immune system.
      Serious and persistent anger , if for some reason is not allowed to erupt, evolves to hatred,That kind of hatred that calmly,mercilessly premeditates and perpetrates annihilation.The iceberg versus Titanic…
      Thank God,Tony, forced Ann only to an anger defused by her explosion.In that sense,Tony is not only lucky but he still has a utility as well…..

    • I just had a conversation with Hy ( and we talked about the benefit of anger in moving past relationships like this. Her with TN, me with Tony, you with Beaut… I’ve been angry with him a lot more lately, not only with how he’s treating me but at the thought of how he’s deceiving his “ex”wife. I just don’t like it, and it’s helping me get to the place where I can finally cut the cord.

  5. It’s not what you want to hear, but at this point Tony is not to blame. He showed you who and what he is a long time ago, and a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

    At this point you need to use this anger to examine your own choices to have kept him in your life as long as you have when the evidence for going cold turkey from him was already abundantly clear quite a while ago.

    Happiness is a choice, and part of that means making good choices. You have that power Ann, and it’s time to treat yourself better than you have been.

    • Josh, I thought I said in my post but perhaps I didn’t – I wasn’t particularly angry at Tony for anything he did or didn’t do. Yes, I was angry, but it was more about a whole host of other things. And that’s because I agree with you – he’d doing what of course he should be doing for a guy getting back together with his wife. Sure, he’s also doing stuff with me that he shouldn’t be doing, but I’m letting it happen.

      That’s also why I didn’t write about the things that I found frustrating, because he’d being him.

      You’re writing as if I’m not examining my choices but that’s precisely what I did a couple of weeks ago when I realized I’d gone back down the proverbial rabbit hole with him, and why I told him it couldn’t continue this way. And it hasn’t. You’re right that cold turkey would be the best thing. I was in a good place even with less contact, but I know at some point it will be more harm than good. We might be close to that point.

      I hope I don’t sound like I don’t appreciate your input, it’s not that at all..

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