On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.
I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought.
Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period.
It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop.
(Badtameez Dil from Yeh Jawaaani Hai Deewani)
I’ve been thinking about writing for the last hour but the words are all stuck in my head. Nothing has taken form enough to craft sentences and paragraphs and coherent threads.
My darling wise friend Hyacinth and I spoke yesterday on the phone – she could feel my ennui through my texts and picked up the phone to reach out – and she gave me a good talking to. I love my friends who call me on my bullshit at the same time as making me feel good about myself. It’s an art, truly.
(Can’t Help Falling in Love by Haley Reinhart – which Fox still regrets not dancing with me to, one night when it played in my living room)
I can’t get Kyle out of my head and it’s exceedingly annoying. I haven’t heard from him since his petulant response almost two weeks ago. But what Hy rightly challenged me on is something I don’t know if I mentioned in my post – after standing up for myself via text, I followed it up with an apology if what I said sounded harsh. I could feel her reach through the phone to smack me upside my head.
(Space Captain by Joe Cocker – oh and if you haven’t seen 20 Feet From Stardom, you should)
“Ann, WHY do you feel the need to do that? Why be afraid of standing up for yourself? His behaviour was SHITTY. You don’t need to take that crap and it’s perfectly fine to say what you said.”
She had a point. She always does.
So I’m thinking about that. I am not afraid of my opinions at work – I’m a kick ass leader of sometimes thousands of people. I speak my mind. I’m paid to be bold and contrary if necessary. I don’t get angry – it’s not usually an appropriate work response – but people know when I’m unhappy.
(Purple Rain by Prince)
It took me a long time to get to that place where I was confident with these things at work. I know I’ve written a post about being ostracized as a tween and I will find the link when I can. It affected me deeply.
(Back in Black by AC/DC)
Tony’s called. Be right back.
He’s a smart man…he knows not to ask too many questions, and I’m deliberately vague. It’s his style; he should be familiar with it.
Okay, so I’m thinking about why in my romantic life (not even my personal life – I’m good at talking about things with my friends and family) I’m so goddamn afraid to be angry. Specifically, when I’m afraid of losing someone, why do I worry if I stand up for myself they will flee.
Maybe because they usually do.
(Coming Home by Leon Bridges)
I’m thinking about whether Clark is going to follow through on our plans tomorrow night.
I’m wondering whether I’m ever going to lose more weight. Cutting down on the Chardonnay would help.
I’m processing the big fight I had with my ex earlier in the week. He’s demanded I remove my son’s pictures from Facebook (even though everything is private) or he will take me to court.
I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself that I haven’t seen some of my closest girlfriends recently. And my birthday is coming up and nobody is banging down my door to celebrate with me. There are certain times I miss having a partner, and birthdays are one of them.
(Do You Love Me by The Contours)
I wonder whether I should make a new list. Of courses I want to take and things I want to do in the next year. No, not to find a man, but just to keep my personal development going. Tango is high on the list. I know there are others.
(Kiddio by Brook Benton)
Lewis is here; gotta go. Hopefully the thoughts will coalesce one of these days and I can give you more than a random list of thoughts and songs. xoxo