What I think about when waiting for a lover.

On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.

I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought.

Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period.

It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop.

(Badtameez Dil from Yeh Jawaaani Hai Deewani)

I’ve been thinking about writing for the last hour but the words are all stuck in my head. Nothing has taken form enough to craft sentences and paragraphs and coherent threads.

My darling wise friend Hyacinth and I spoke yesterday on the phone – she could feel my ennui through my texts and picked up the phone to reach out – and she gave me a good talking to. I love my friends who call me on my bullshit at the same time as making me feel good about myself. It’s an art, truly.

(Can’t Help Falling in Love by Haley Reinhart – which Fox still regrets not dancing with me to, one night when it played in my living room)

I can’t get Kyle out of my head and it’s exceedingly annoying. I haven’t heard from him since his petulant response almost two weeks ago. But what Hy rightly challenged me on is something I don’t know if I mentioned in my post – after standing up for myself via text, I followed it up with an apology if what I said sounded harsh. I could feel her reach through the phone to smack me upside my head.

(Space Captain by Joe Cocker – oh and if you haven’t seen 20 Feet From Stardom, you should)

“Ann, WHY do you feel the need to do that? Why be afraid of standing up for yourself? His behaviour was SHITTY. You don’t need to take that crap and it’s perfectly fine to say what you said.”

She had a point. She always does.

So I’m thinking about that. I am not afraid of my opinions at work – I’m a kick ass leader of sometimes thousands of people. I speak my mind. I’m paid to be bold and contrary if necessary. I don’t get angry – it’s not usually an appropriate work response – but people know when I’m unhappy.

(Purple Rain by Prince)

It took me a long time to get to that place where I was confident with these things at work. I know I’ve written a post about being ostracized as a tween and I will find the link when I can. It affected me deeply.

(Back in Black by AC/DC)

Tony’s called. Be right back.

::

He’s a smart man…he knows not to ask too many questions, and I’m deliberately vague. It’s his style; he should be familiar with it.

Okay, so I’m thinking about why in my romantic life (not even my personal life – I’m good at talking about things with my friends and family) I’m so goddamn afraid to be angry. Specifically, when I’m afraid of losing someone, why do I worry if I stand up for myself they will flee.

Maybe because they usually do.

(Coming Home by Leon Bridges)

I’m thinking about whether Clark is going to follow through on our plans tomorrow night.

I’m wondering whether I’m ever going to lose more weight. Cutting down on the Chardonnay would help.

I’m processing the big fight I had with my ex earlier in the week. He’s demanded I remove my son’s pictures from Facebook (even though everything is private) or he will take me to court.

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself that I haven’t seen some of my closest girlfriends recently. And my birthday is coming up and nobody is banging down my door to celebrate with me. There are certain times I miss having a partner, and birthdays are one of them.

(Do You Love Me by The Contours)

I wonder whether I should make a new list. Of courses I want to take and things I want to do in the next year. No, not to find a man, but just to keep my personal development going. Tango is high on the list. I know there are others.

(Kiddio by Brook Benton)

Lewis is here; gotta go. Hopefully the thoughts will coalesce one of these days and I can give you more than a random list of thoughts and songs. xoxo

34 thoughts on “What I think about when waiting for a lover.

  1. Yay! You and Hy both: kicking arse!

    I understand the fear that they will leave, but you know what? Any man who treats you poorly and then gets into a snit about being called out on it isn’t worth having. Not one bit.

    The ones worth keeping will take it on the chin, go ‘oh shit, I’m so sorry’, and DO BETTER.

    Well, unless you’re being a psycho and demanding things that are totally unreasonable. And gee, call me biased, but *turning up for fucking dates you arsehole* seems 1000% the absolute minimum in terms of reasonableness.

    Ferns

    • Ugh… I can’t leave this sitting there un-annotated:

      “The ones worth keeping will take it on the chin, go ‘oh shit, I’m so sorry’, and DO BETTER.”

      This assumes that their poor behaviour is well above ‘being an arsehole’ level and they’re good men at heart, but just a bit oblivious.

      Arseholes are a special case: they don’t change. Their goal is really to see what you will put up with, and then they’ll do JUST under that level of acceptable behaviour so that ‘level of acceptable’ will get lower and lower until you are picking up scraps they’ve thrown on the floor and thanking them for it.

      So, yeah…

      God, I can go on (and on and on)…

      Ferns

      • Yes, I agree with you. I’m sure I’ve run across a few true arseholes in my time, those players who don’t care and want what they want with the absolute minimum of effort in return.
        I don’t think Drew or Kyle fall into this category. Neither do the casual lovers I have at the moment (Lewis, Jake). With Kyle in particular, his reaction to any criticism tells me he does care. My guess (and it’s just a guess based on being with him a few times…it’s my intuition speaking here) is he’s a bit insecure, and he knows what the right behaviour is, and he just can’t get himself to a place where he will do it, and he knows it’s shitty, but boy-oh-boy does he not want to be reminded of it.
        I do not want to give the impression that I am excusing him for it. I just don’t put him in the arseholes-who-don’t-care category. His reasons don’t matter, I keep telling myself, because the impact on me is the same. The words and intentions are ultimately meaningless. I say this not because I’ve internalized it but because I’m working on doing so (with big thanks to Hy for drilling it into me).

    • Thanks hon! I know you are being Hy’s fairy domme-mother and it’s lovely 🙂
      I do know in the past there have been times where I may have been unreasonable, and engaged in my own petulant foot stomping. But OMG this is not the case here. Pretty sure when my needs are: keep in some semblance of communication and if we have a date set, even tentative, have the courtesy to let me know if it’s still on… Those are NOT out of line. Fuck, I wouldn’t have even thought a few years ago that those things would even need to be said!
      I think part of my issue (yes, I’m still ruminating about it) is for a long time I’ve been told I can be intense, overpowering, too passionate, intimidating, etc… So I worry men can’t “handle” me at full power.
      I’m so happy to have you in my corner. Xoxo

  2. I love this post. Not because of its ennui or the things that are happening but because it feels really intimate and vulnerable.

    There is also a real sense of you staying with the difficult places and feelings and a definite sense of change.

    I too am guilty of following sticking up for myself with an apology and I noticed myself doing only last week. On reflection he deserved it all. I am hoping that I am also learning and changing long standing behaviour patterns.

    Perhaps you could put Eroticon 2017 into your list of things to do! 💋

    • Thanks hon. I am definitely trying to stay in this difficult place and not run away from it. As you can probably relate if trying to change long standing behaviors, I think it’s critical we embrace the discomfort of the situation and try something new and see what happens. I usually surprise myself.
      And I would love to go next year….I was very close to going this year but I couldn’t take off any additional time. I will add it to my list!! 💋

    • I know it’s an unusual request, however he’s quite serious. It’s heartbreaking to think of removing all of those pictures. I share a lot with family who are scattered across the globe. I haven’t done it yet and frankly don’t want to, but I also don’t think it’s worth the inevitable fight with him.

      • You know on Facebook you can categorize people into groups (ie: acquaintances, family, close friends, etc)…. why not do that with those you want to share Liam’s pics and ONLY them. Leave your ex out of that list. That protects the pics from just anybody seeing them, which I guess is his concern (?), and yet you can still share with your loved ones.

        • He’s not able to see my pics right now anyway. His worry (I think, he refuses to articulate it) is about stalkers and hackers and social engineering. He wants our child to have zero presence on social media. I can understand not having things be publicly accessible but I completely disagree about the actual risk level of having photos of my child on an otherwise secure (as much as anything these days) site.
          But, he means it when he says he will take me to court over it. And I don’t think it’s worth it.

          • I’m just glad my ex hasn’t thought of doing this. Maybe because our older kids are already on social media and putting up their own pictures?
            I can only hope he doesn’t think of demanding this, because he WOULD take me to court over it.

            Maybe you should let him? See what the judge really says? If, like me, your pictures settings are on ‘private’, chances are a judge will hear your very reasonable arguments of wanting to share with friends and family far away.

            Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
            XO

          • Thanks Dawn. This is a tough one for me because I do enjoy sharing with some of my family and friends who aren’t close by and who I know love seeing our updates. He’s quite serious and very unmoveable. I hate to remove so many years of memories from there, but I also don’t want to have the stress and frustration of the fight with him.

  3. Regular, casual lovers,who can not(or they are not to) be elevated to partners for the other meaningful activities of our life, often leave a bad taste in our lips and minds next morning.Fuck buddies are simply not good enough, at least in the long run.
    Ann,I think you are too much for most of the males roaming in your city and beyond.A mountain too high with, canyons too steep.And week -end hikers cannot cope with the combined challenges you represent in every field :erotic,professional,cultural,family(your son).
    You should not be emotionally wasted with men unable to adapt to your needs.Easy to say,I admit it but cannot think of anything sweeter…

    • Jules that is a very sweet sentiment, thank you… Although somewhat disheartening to think I’m too much on so many levels for most. I’d like to think there are at least a few men wandering around my city who would be a good match 🙂
      And when it comes to these casual lovers? They don’t leave a bad taste in my mouth at all. I rather like Lewis, and although there isn’t more to our relationship than sex and the occasional date (he joined me at an event where I needed a plus-one, and will do so again), I’m okay with that. He doesn’t treat me badly, I don’t feel I’m being played, and we have good physical chemistry.
      At this point I can honestly say the men in my life are positive forces.

  4. I like this post. I like the stream-of-consciousness feel…I’ve been trying to write something worth posting, and it just feels like random thoughts and I’m not really into it so I took a break and saw this in my inbox.
    Learning to stand up for yourself – whether in work life or private life or whatever – is a life-long process for some of us. For me, it was that somewhere along the way someone made me feel all wrong about it. How do we break out of that and feel good about it?
    Fruit flies – had ’em, have ’em. I found that putting saran wrap over the top of a glass with a little wine inside (something cheap – they’re not picky!) and poking some holes in it worked like a charm. They can get themselves in it, but can’t find their way back out. Plus – you readily have all the ingredients for this without searching for a trap you’ve put away. 🙂

  5. Hmmm…I know your post is about showing your anger…but first I want to say as a strong, independent woman, I do not like the title you gave this post “When waiting for a lover.” I feel like my life would be so sad and pathetic if I spent it “waiting for a lover.” I live my life with ideas of where I can go next and what can I add to MY bucket list (and you mentioned Tango so YES, MORE of this!). I started a tradition where I traveled every other year on my birthday and all of them except one has been by myself (San Francisco, Jamaica, Outer Banks, Nicaragua, etc.) And I had SUCH an unbelievable time on each of these vacations! So please, make plans to go somewhere and have fun on your birthday!!

    Ok…and now about the anger…I think the guys flee because they are flakes and don’t want to commit to a relationship. The RIGHT guy will stay when you get angry and will want to work on the relationship. So good riddens to the guys who have fled!!

    • Oh, just read the Ferns wrote basically what I wrote and I read your response to her…and like you said, Kyle isn’t at the right place and EVERYTHING is about timing…you need the right man to be in the right place at the right time…but don’t be waiting for it! =)

    • Hey Lisa. I was actually literally waiting in my kitchen for Lewis to show up. It wasn’t a metaphorical title. It was hey, having a glass of wine, wanting to write, killing some time before my lover arrives – that night. Not that I’m somehow holding back my life until some dude arrives to magically make it better. That’s not how I’m wired and it’s not how I think.
      I’ve booked lots of vacations these last three years solo. I’ve waited for no man or girlfriend, for that matter. Faraway and nearby places. I make my own happiness and do my own thing.
      Practically speaking I can’t travel for my birthday because I’ve had three weeks of vacation recently, and because I have my son that week. Surely I can be allowed very brief moments of self-pity that I’m not anyone’s primary? It’s not just about men, it’s about my friends as well. It doesn’t last, I do my thing, I reach out and make plans and those feelings pass.
      And I agree about the flakes.

  6. Speaking of Tony, my great wish for you is that he realizes what he’s missing, gets out of his dead-end marriage, and comes back to you full time. Then you’d really be waiting for a lover. Best wishes!!

    • Pam, that’s a very sweet and romantic sentiment. Thank you. I have no real hope of that happening (and not sure it would work even if it did) but I’m glad someone else is holding that torch for me 🙂

  7. Salsa! Kizomba! (or tango). DO IT.

    And again, I follow in your footsteps – I am assertive at work, and less so in my personal romantic life. My girlfriends tell me that my attempts at assertiveness now ( which have me quaking at the knees, and are the result of half a decade of work on learning to stand up for myself) are approximately as effective as a wee kitten pretending to be a lioness. I have a ways to go.

    And pffffft. Chardonnay is absolutely not related to weight loss. Aint NOBODY that is gonna separate me from my wine (or cider). Weight loss still happens, despite my best efforts to stimulate the vineyard economies worldwide. But I have cut back on pasta (completely), bread (mostly – cheese is bae), and try only indulge in sweets when it is the really really good stuff (deluxe pastries, or a nona’s homemade baking – no more candy, or junk sweets like Tim Hortons).

    Good luck!

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