The elusive creature named Kyle

I think this might be a record for slowest relationship start – scratch that, since I don’t know if this is the start of anything whatsoever. The magic 8 ball aka my Mother says yes but this has not been an auspicious start.

This is the longest it’s taken me to have four dates with anyone. I don’t count Jake since we stopped after the first.

Dates isn’t even a great term. The first meeting was a pre clearance date. Then a dinner date, then a spontaneous late night discussion on my couch, and most recently, another couch conversation in lieu of what was supposed to be a date.

Three months from our first contact. 

I spent the first month, almost two, frustrated at Kyle’s lack of communication and proactive confirmations of the dates we’d set.

I let a lot of that go in the last 4-6 weeks. I had lowered my expectations, and while I still reached out on occasion to drive a conversation forward, otherwise I waited for him to get in touch.

Then recently, while on the phone one night, Kyle proactively asked about my schedule. We found overlapping dates when we were both at home and child free, and he asked me to see him on three separate dates.

I had no doubt he liked me, but there was something breaking down between intention and action.

The first day came we were supposed to see each other. Used to him not checking in the day before, I did instead. Damned if I was going to sit around wondering.

But no, I was deprioritized. With a late work day, a 7am golf tee off time the next day, and a flight to catch later, there was no time in Kyle’s head to see me with the other things he needed to get done. And it’s not that it was unreasonable, but I received a clear message – I wasn’t that important.

He asked if we could delay until later that week, but I had plans which I wasn’t going to adjust for him. Those plans fell through so I checked in with Kyle that afternoon. He was flying back and said he’d text when he landed. Yeah, heard that one before.

We did have a decent text conversation that afternoon. We were even in contact when his flight landed. He said he’d come over around 9-9:30. He said he was fading fast but confirmed he would make the effort to see me. Not 15 minutes later I texted him that I was ready and then he said

nothing

I wish I was kidding. At first I figured he was on his way. He lives only 5 minutes from me. I sat on my couch and waited. I surfed Instagram, first my feed and then the activity list of those I follow. It was now 40 minutes after my last text. Imagine my anger when I saw not 15 minutes before he’d liked a bunch of photos.

At 10pm I texted “you still coming?”

Nothing.

I went to bed and slept fitfully. He sent me a text at 1am:

Fell asleep. Sorry.

Fucking asshole, were the words that went through my head. Memories of him getting home “late” when bumble said otherwise were still fresh. Did I doubt he was tired? Nope. Did he fall asleep? Sure. Did he not care enough to reply to my text even while he had time to play on Instagram? Obviously.

I waited until later morning to respond: okay.

Naturally, there was no response from him. We were supposed to have a date the next evening – date two of the three he had booked with me – and I started to seriously doubt it was going to happen. I had to make a decision about whether to just wait or to reach out it yet again.

I hated the wait.

33 thoughts on “The elusive creature named Kyle

  1. Your reaction was, “fucking asshole” when he did not respond…. My reaction to the end of this post was, “cliffhanging bitch!” 😜
    Please don’t make us wait too long!!😂

  2. Not to scare you, but this sounds like an exact copy of the behavior of my ex, who turned out to be a narcissist, and who in the end almost broke my psyche with all his mind games and psychological abuse. Not saying Kyle has to be the same of course, just saying that for me, with my experience, this sort of behavior is a huge red flag, and I intend to avoid people who behave like this, in the future. Sure, it could just be something temporary, etc, but I for one will not take the risk again, with this kind of behavior.

    That said, I do hope Kyle’s behavior is just something else entirely, and that he has changed behavior ( if you continued to see him). All the best to you. Take care.

    • I can understand why you wouldn’t take the risk. I don’t think Kyle is a narcissist – the way he’s described his relationships with parents, friends, siblings, and ex wife and ex girlfriend don’t align with that (and I know people lie so could be wrong). He travels for work 20-25 days every month, each month. It’s relentless. When he’s home he has his son. Regardless, he could be in more contact and definitely not set dates to just cancel them. There’s no excuse for that, but I do understand how mentally and physically exhausting that kind of travel is. My issue is understanding the behavior plus believing his intentions drive me to accept behavior that’s clearly unacceptable.

      • That is good that he seems to have good relationships in his life, however as you say, people lie, and in my experience narcissists ARE among the most skilled liars and actors in the world. (Took me 6 months into the relationship with one until I finally suspected something was very wrong, and another 2-3 years to understand “what” he was). Anyway, it is not that likely, since narcissists are only like a few percent of an entire population. I have only met one or perhaps two, in my entire life. So it is much more likely that Kyle’s behavior is due to something else. I really hope you find out what is going on and why/ alternatively that the behavior changes so that you can be happy if you continue seeing him. I wish you all the best! 😊

  3. OMG. NO, ANN. NOOOOO. WHYYYYY??!!

    NO AFTER THE FIRST TIME HE STOOD YOU UP.

    AND A MILLION NOS AFTER THAT.

    AND THEN A MILLION MORE FOR DUDE BEING A FUCKHEAD.

    AND THEN: NO.

    Okay, I’m done now.

    NOOOOOOOOO!!

    Okay, really done now.

    Ferns

  4. Oh he is off to a horrible start. The whole Instagram/yet no return message just screams of someone who doesn’t have any regard for your time or feelings. He doesn’t deserve any more chances.

  5. Ann you are clearly an intelligent woman. Why are you wasting your time with this guy. Clearly he’s not that bothered or he would have made more of an effort. Xx.

    • My next post tries to explain a little bit of why I’ve bothered. But I’ve lowered my expectations so much that it’s ridiculous… And it’s one thing to not be a priority but something else entirely to be treated with such disregard.

  6. I really don’t get your insistence on clinging to this guy, when every behavior by him has made it abundantly clear you are not important in the least, and at a time in a budding relationship when someone’s interest should be the strongest. Do you think his behavior/communication is going to get better after you’ve been together for 6 months or a year? Yikes.

    More importantly, you’ve demonstrated to him over and over so far that you are completely willing to tolerate his behavior and keep coming back for more. Even if you’ve subsequently had a “talk” with him, your behavior has sent him the message that his is perfectly acceptable and that he can keep doing it.

    Is this holding on to him against all logic really just because Miss Cleo told you you and he were written in the stars? Might be time to find a new “psychic friend”. Just sayin.

    • I try to address your first sentence in my next post. But I wouldn’t say I have been “clinging” in the last while… It’s been more about replying to him when he did reach out. But still, yes, absolutely there’s no excuse for bailing on dates and being disrespectful of my time.

      I know often we talk about letting people know what’s “acceptable” behavior and believe they will continue in the same path. I don’t think that’s always the case. For sure, it’s true in a case where a guy wants something casual and you don’t and you say so, but continue to accept casual. I see this a little differently, correct or not.

  7. I allow 3 strikes and then I’m done trying. After that I’ll communicate but don’t make much after nor believe them when they set dates. It’s not a done deal until they’re in front of me. Too many guys have bailed on me to believe a word someone says about follow through.

    • I absolutely got to that point with him Cara. And it’s awful to get to that place where I’m so cynical I don’t believe anyone. It means when someone comes along that actually follows through it seems like a miracle when actually it strikes me as basic decent behavior.

  8. Isn’t he the one missing a tooth? I think he’s also missing common courtesy, respect and honesty. You deserve better, and anything (quiet, alone, friends, etc.)is better than this what this guy is doing. I would ignore his next texts and give him some of his own medicine. If he’s still interested after you ignoring him like he did you, then I’d give him another chance. Just my 2 cents.

    • Ah the missing tooth is Drew and his story is also overdue 😉

      And I agree with you. I don’t generally believe in “taste of own medicine” but I sure as hell won’t respond quickly.

  9. I’m with Ferns and have been in the no camp since the very beginning with Kyle. He is just all sorts of no’s for me. I don’t understand how you can knowingly tolerate that he’s such a douche.

    The thing is, more than being a jerk, what if things were to kick off and actually start up with him and you really like him, but he continues his douchey behavior – then you end up feeling more rejected than you do now.

    I just think it’s time to cut the cord. You are waiting for something, anything, to change with him and it just hasn’t.

What do you think?