Something feels different.

While I’ve gone through different cycles in dating the past three years – the ebb and flow of excitement and frustration – there’s something inside of me that’s changed.
It’s not just because my dance card is relatively full with casual sex opportunities – while Drew has fallen off the card, there’s still Lewis, and Jake, and presumably Clark although I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. There’s a guy pursuing me again who I saw twice a couple of years ago and things just faded away. There’s another guy who will likely amount to nothing but who popped up again recently.

I’ve been in that situation before, and still felt a yearning to seek a more meaningful relationship, so it’s not that.

It’s not because I’ve come out of some shitty situations and need a break. Goodness knows shit has happened before, and I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and got right back up on the saddle again. The only exception was HWSNBN, but that was extreme and having never been in an abuse situation before, I’m not going to count that response as normal operating procedure.

It’s not about Tony. If anything, winding down that emotional connection should have the opposite effect.

I oscillate between hope and cynicism, but that cycle has always happened quickly before. I haven’t lost hope, but I’ve felt more angry and cynical than usual lately. I noticed it in my Instagram account, where after some dude would ghost or otherwise dick me around (and not in a good way), I’d find an appropriate and angry meme.

I realized I don’t want to be that girl. Yes, I have lots to be angry and cynical about, and I believe it’s important to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way. But leading with anger, dwelling on that shit, following all those angry Instagram accounts, painting all men with the same brush, stalking dudes on social media? That shit just makes me bitter. And who wants to hang out with a bitter chick?

I want to lead with love and understanding.

So I told myself recently I wasn’t going down that mental path. It’s one thing to write here about things that bother me, but I need to use writing to get it on the page and out of my head. So far, it’s worked.

It helped me get over the shit with Kyle. I’ve let go of the hurt. I haven’t chased Drew.

But more importantly, I still don’t feel a need to get back into online dating. And that’s what’s different for me. I want a boyfriend, no question. I’m still seeking love. I’m still open to opportunity. I’d still rather not go on vacation alone or go out to dinner alone.

I may go back online next week, who knows.

Right now I am calm about things and it’s a nice change. There’s no heartbreak, no recovering from an asshole boyfriend who threatened me, no ghosting, no bullshit.

And I’m okay with that right now.

24 thoughts on “Something feels different.

  1. Nothing beats an embrace of a pair of loving arms that stay for the long haul.
    It just isn’t as easy as one two three to have them reach us.

    Change on the other hand is good and it is taken with you on your journey. To keep us sane.

    Keep smiling and keep up that chin.

  2. I think you are being smart about this. People can easily pick up on cynical — it just oozes out no matter how hard you try to contain it.

    Although you want to share vacations, dinners, etc with a man, just remember that you still have friends to share those adventures with. I know you know that. I’m simply suggesting that you remember that your identity isn’t tied to a relationship with a man.

    I think when you truly stop looking and live in the moment, content with the love that already surrounds you, then things will shift. I know that sounds hokey and silly, but I think when a person relaxes into fully embracing what they already have and releases their call/cry for what they want, the neediness vibe is erased and the real you shines through.

    LOL – damn I feel like some crystal-wearing, New Age, flowing skirt, Eat Pray Love hippie. Ok I enjoyed that book immensely. Anyway, peace, love & chocolate to you all.

    • Thank you Maggie. I don’t actually have an issue with tying my identity to being with a man. There isn’t a self-esteem component to it for me. I think they are all weird for not falling in love with me… Kidding 🙂
      I do think our mindset makes a huge difference. I believe what we put out into the world is what comes back to us. Which is also why I worked very hard to not just lose my shit with Kyle, which would have been easy to do so. And I’m okay with peace and love and chocolate!!

    • Amen sister! Count me in on the crystal wearing hippie. And I loved the book too 😉
      Ok, it’s 6:30 am, gotta go to bed!
      And no, for once it wasn’t a fun night :/

  3. Good for u💋 I am like you, I so don’t want to become one of those bitter women. It’s unfortunate that our dating experiences tend to lead us in that direction. I think the best way to stay away from those feelings, when we have them, is positive self talk. I think we always need to remind ourselves who we are and who we want to become.

  4. It’s remarkable to me how many men are complete idiots or douchebags. It’s one thing if you went on a date with a guy, and just didn’t hit it off, and he could be open and mature about it. Or if you went on a date and you were more than he could handle, and he was able to say that to you. Or I suppose, if they just said, hey, I’m looking to get laid, and I don’t really care about a relationship, that might be better. Of course if they said that, MOST women would just move on to the next guy because they don’t want the guy who just wants to get laid. It really is a complicated game that people seem to play so poorly.

    I’m not in the dating pool, and I’m not a woman, so I have no idea, but I do wonder if you played a little harder to get if you could souse out which guys were serious about a relationship vs just wanting to get laid? You seem to have no trouble finding guys who are interesting to talk to, but it seems like they have a great deal of trouble with follow through, and I have to wonder if they had to work a little harder at it if they’d give up earlier and not get your hopes up, of the ones you stuck to would be worth sticking? Because men are lazy, if we want sex, and we get sex, it is easy to get on to our worst behavior after we’ve gotten what we want.

    Of course then you’d get to have less sex, and that’s a bummer. Good luck, whatever path you choose!

    • What’s interesting to me is I haven’t had sex with Kyle – not in four times meeting. And I met Drew three times and we hadn’t had sex. It’s actually been a long time since I got very intimate on a first date – with someone I intend to date (versus meeting just for casual sex). I don’t generally engage in sexual banter before meeting someone, and I’m good at sussing out those who are only seeking sex but lying about it. I agree with you that sometimes getting sex wary brings out the worst in guys but sadly this wasn’t the case with these two. The soldier that disappeared, also we hadn’t even met let alone had sex!
      Sigh. I wish people could be more self aware and honest about their intentions.

  5. Somehow I got to re-reading some of your old blogs and noticed your birthday is Aug. 31. I hope you have something fun planned with your family and friends. If you’re not on again before then, Happy Birthday!

  6. I love reading about your life and I think you are amazing, Ann! Despite whether decisions you make/people you invite into your life turn out good or bad, you are living your life to the fullest and hardly anyone does that.

  7. Can you teach me how to drop the jaded, cynical talk? Because the last gent hurt me deeper than I realized and I’ve not met anyone who hasn’t bailed one me yet. I’d like to soak up some of your desire to shoot for optimism. I’m just dried up and over trying.

    • Gosh Cara I don’t know. I suppose getting off all dating sites was a way for me to stop the backward slide I was feeling – every bail / ghosting / bit of BS had me really angry. Not that I shouldn’t be, but I didn’t like how it felt. Stepping away from that has given me more peace. And I’m really working hard at not accepting the BS that did remain (with Drew, for example). I know it’s about practicing new behaviours and once you practice they become more comfortable over time. I also believe in “fake it until you make it”… I don’t know that I’m actually optimistic but I know how to avoid pessimism (removing the situations that cause it, avoiding all the “men are jerks” commentary, helping divert my thoughts when I go down that path). I remind myself with every thought of Kyle why thinking of him is bad for me. I also phone a friend – Hy, usually – because she’s very good at reminding me of my value and why I don’t need to put up with BS. That in turn helps me feel better and when I feel better I start to feel more optimistic.
      Does that make any sense? I feel like I am rambling 🙂

  8. Same same same.

    So much of what you write is EXACTLY what I feel, usually right about the same time. SAME.

    And also – as far as i can tell, I am NEVER online dating again. That shit does not allow me to lead with love and understanding. It makes me so cynical, and reminds me exactly why I think men are stupid and maybe I should get a cat.

    I don’t even LIKE cats!

What do you think?