While I’ve gone through different cycles in dating the past three years – the ebb and flow of excitement and frustration – there’s something inside of me that’s changed.
It’s not just because my dance card is relatively full with casual sex opportunities – while Drew has fallen off the card, there’s still Lewis, and Jake, and presumably Clark although I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. There’s a guy pursuing me again who I saw twice a couple of years ago and things just faded away. There’s another guy who will likely amount to nothing but who popped up again recently.
I’ve been in that situation before, and still felt a yearning to seek a more meaningful relationship, so it’s not that.
It’s not because I’ve come out of some shitty situations and need a break. Goodness knows shit has happened before, and I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and got right back up on the saddle again. The only exception was HWSNBN, but that was extreme and having never been in an abuse situation before, I’m not going to count that response as normal operating procedure.
It’s not about Tony. If anything, winding down that emotional connection should have the opposite effect.
I oscillate between hope and cynicism, but that cycle has always happened quickly before. I haven’t lost hope, but I’ve felt more angry and cynical than usual lately. I noticed it in my Instagram account, where after some dude would ghost or otherwise dick me around (and not in a good way), I’d find an appropriate and angry meme.
I realized I don’t want to be that girl. Yes, I have lots to be angry and cynical about, and I believe it’s important to feel my feelings and express them in a healthy way. But leading with anger, dwelling on that shit, following all those angry Instagram accounts, painting all men with the same brush, stalking dudes on social media? That shit just makes me bitter. And who wants to hang out with a bitter chick?
I want to lead with love and understanding.
So I told myself recently I wasn’t going down that mental path. It’s one thing to write here about things that bother me, but I need to use writing to get it on the page and out of my head. So far, it’s worked.
It helped me get over the shit with Kyle. I’ve let go of the hurt. I haven’t chased Drew.
But more importantly, I still don’t feel a need to get back into online dating. And that’s what’s different for me. I want a boyfriend, no question. I’m still seeking love. I’m still open to opportunity. I’d still rather not go on vacation alone or go out to dinner alone.
I may go back online next week, who knows.
Right now I am calm about things and it’s a nice change. There’s no heartbreak, no recovering from an asshole boyfriend who threatened me, no ghosting, no bullshit.
And I’m okay with that right now.