I’d had a lot of time over the last few months to try to figure out, without overanalyzing, what the fuck Kyle’s deal was. I didn’t doubt his interest in me – he had the intention to see me / date me – however in practice it completely fell down.
Bottom line, dating me was not a priority. I would have bet he wasn’t dating others, so I didn’t get the sense he had other women that came first. Of course, being the last wife in the harem holds no appeal to me. It was harder to accept that even if I was the only one he was interested in, his behavior was still uncool.
I get into dating trouble with three behaviors / habits – first is I tend to judge people based on their intentions instead of their behaviors. Someone intends to call me but doesn’t? I give them a pass. It’s hard for me to take the behavior at face value.
Second is my desire to understand which will often drive me to interact with someone long after their expiry date. Someone treats me badly and I still want to understand why, I keep going.
Third is my need to have someone fess up to bad behavior. I want them to explain it or at least admit it. Every time someone ghosts or does something shitty, my instinct is to get them to face it. It’s futile.
Kyle is a perfect storm for me. Dating behavior aside (for sake of argument) he’s one of the first men I’ve met who genuinely seems like a good match – intellectually, career-wise, family oriented, attraction, etcetera. This is so incredibly rare I’ve absolutely given him more latitude than I otherwise would.
And please don’t give me platitudes about how there are other men out there who will be a great match. I know this is inherently true but I’ve also spent three years meeting men and I know how rare some of Kyle’s characteristics are.
Now, obviously since I’m not a priority and he’s not treating me well, it should all be moot. I’m working on that.
My intellectual curiosity got the better of me over the weekend and I decided to see what would happen the Sunday night when we were supposed to have our second date. I expected him to bail and I worked my way through letting him go once and for all.
Sunday late afternoon I texted “So what’s the plan?”
A few hours later he replied “I don’t have a plan”. We went back and forth a few texts and I finally said “can you please call it will be faster”. When he did, he said he was dropping his son off at his ex’s, then he had to stop at his parents, and then he was coming back into the city.
There was a pause. When he didn’t say anything about getting together, I said “So Kyle, what were your thoughts on get together this evening?”
There was a long pause. Inside I was laughing – not hurting – and just wondering what the fuck was coming next.
So I said “okay, what’s up Kyle?”
He said “well, when I come back into the city, I’m going to come by your place. We need to talk.”
My inner voice said “are you fucking kidding me?” And my outside voice said “okay then, what time?”
We settled on approximately 9:30pm. I called a friend, because the ridiculousness of a guy who I’ve had barely 3 dates with telling me we need to talk was hilarious and mystifying.
I knew I’d done enough processing of Kyle’s behavior and my needing to move on because intellectually I was in a good place. Super curious, but fully expecting some amount of bullshit.
I took a shower, had some dinner, did some work and some writing. Nursed a glass of wine. 9:30 came and went. No text, no knock on my door.
No. Fucking. Way.
At 10pm I sent a text asking him what his ETA was. No response. I knew he was with both his ex-wife and his mother, and while sometimes you can’t send a text in that situation, this was ridiculous and given it was nowhere close to his first time not communicating, I was livid.
And mad at myself for even putting myself in the situation yet again.
At 10:30, I decided to get into my pyjamas, turn off most of my lights, and finish the blog post which was in progress. Once I finished, I was going to try to sleep and hopefully not turn the situation over and over in my head. I’d lost enough sleep over that man.