I write this from Hy’s balcony, enjoying the weather and sipping a coffee. It’s been a very low-key and perfect few days so far. Good friends are precious.
While I’m sure some of you would love to hear me say we’ve been out been out partying, picking up men and having crazy orgasmic sexcapades, that wasn’t on the agenda. Sure, orgasms would be fantastic but so far they haven’t been sought out or received.
While still at home, I Bumble matched with a man temporarily in my city who lives in her city (the chance of that oh-so-slim), but despite being super keen to meet, he says he’s come down with a summer cold. It’s the closest I’ve come to an orgasm on this leg of my trip. Oh well.
“Oh well” seems to be the dating theme these days, and although it took me a while to remember the experiences and lessons I learned the last time I was single for an “extended” period of time, now that they’ve come back I remember why it’s so frustrating.
Guys bail. They disappear . They go from “can’t wait to meet” to silence. I could write all the stories because it’s interesting behavior, but I no longer want to give them any of more of my words. Spending time writing about them, expending my energy explaining situations and describing them is more than they deserve.
Maybe. It’s about intentions for me. Do I ever talk to someone with full knowledge I’m engaged with someone else and about to disappear? Nope. Do I ever communicate just to solicit conversation and pictures? Nope.
Unfortunately, good faith dating seems to be rare.
I don’t do things half way. I can’t cultivate the “I don’t give a fuck” outlook – at least I haven’t been able to so far. I’m afraid the moment I don’t give a fuck, I will have lost something else in the process.
I wish I could say I don’t care when men I haven’t met disappear. I don’t care a lot, but I do care. Maybe it would be accurate to say I give half a fuck. It’s not that I get ahead of myself – until I meet someone, all bets are off. I’ve had enough experience with otherwise fantastic matches, where the text and phone conversations are great – and then in person it completely fizzles.
But still. I don’t engage with many men, so when I do, it’s because I think there’s potential. And a loss of potential – especially when it’s because there’s never been a chance – bothers me. I would much rather meet someone and then be able to make a conscious choice about whether to move forward. Not even getting that opportunity is frustrating.
And even with all my experience, I get fooled sometimes. A particularly hot-bodied gentleman who texted in complete sentences and had a reasonable story about not living in my city but moving there soon, up and evaporated. No, I did not send him asked pics nor did we sext, thank goodness.
The short solider I mentioned briefly in my last post? Stopped opening my snapchats although he’s been active there. Ignored my “hey are you okay” text. While it’s possible he’s off in the forest somewhere, it’s been a week. I’m not impressed.
Kyle is constantly travelling this month. I’m doing a decent job of not investing too much emotional energy, but it’s difficult for me. I’d just like the opportunity to find out if there’s actual potential – but there won’t be if I can never see him. Hy has done an excellent job of redirecting my “conclusions” about him – for example, surely his “liking” of all those big boobed duck faced pictures of the hundreds of women he follows on Instagram (who follow him back) means he’s a player who can’t possibly like me. Nope. Likely wrong.
She’s right, of course, and I’m using this week to detox a bit from the frankly somewhat obsessive behavior of looking at these men’s social media accounts. It doesn’t matter, and shouldn’t matter. There are so many more important things in my life and in the world.
A girlfriend told me I have such a big and busy brain that even when I’m crazy busy with life and work she understands why I still have the time to bother with such nonsense. I don’t think of myself that way so it’s hard to see her point. I’m also a good communicator and am always cognizant of how and when I am communicating with someone. It matters to me that my friends (and potential dates) feel cared for, so I always make time. I expect the same in return but realize it’s a rare person who has the same standards of care.
What I do know is spending time worrying about it or trying to figure out what’s going on with someone based on their behaviour is completely counter productive and I have better things to do. I think. The same behavior can mean different things based on the context and the intent. Unless someone tells you what that is, it’s a guessing game, especially when you are denied the knowledge of the context.
Sure, I can assess clues from what I know – of course I do that, I don’t see it as a bad thing – but at some point, it’s too much. So I’m working on it…but it also means I’m writing less about the situations I find myself in. At least for now.