Dating sucks

Date frustrations

I shut down my OK Cupid profile and my just-recently-opened Plenty of Fish profile. Bumble went down as well, after sending a note to just one man telling him I wasn’t unmatching him and giving him my number in case he wanted to reach out.

It’s not for lack of messages. If I only wanted to men to take me out for dinner or have sex I’d be golden. But I’m ultimately looking for a boyfriend. So as I’ve said for a long time now, I don’t engage with every man who comes along. And I don’t mind the bad, rude, crass, or simply inane opening messages. I don’t mind hearing from 21 year-olds who swear I’m the hottest thing they’ve seen. It’s just noise and sometimes the messages are amusing.

I wouldn’t even be in this mental place if I’d met some guys and went on some dates and it didn’t work out. I’m okay with either me or him deciding the right dating chemistry isn’t there between us.

But what I can’t stand is experiencing shitty and dismissive behavior over and over again. Don’t like me? Fine. But grow some fucking balls and exit gracefully.

I know this won’t happen.

If I can’t make people proactively offer elderly women a seat on the bus, I certainly can’t influence male dating behavior. And unlike tapping someone on the shoulder with a hands on reminder, there is nothing I can do to change this.

Even at work, I can coach and influence. I have the seniority and authority – both formal and informal – to make a difference. If someone works for me and their behavior or performance is bad enough and beyond repair, I can fire them or move into a more appropriate role.

Don’t get me wrong – I know I can’t control people. I can’t make anyone change their behavior. But in dating? It’s a black hole and there’s nothing I can do about it.

In every sphere of my life, bad / rude / callous / inconsiderate behavior makes me mental. So while my dating fatigue is less about rejection – although that’s absolutely something I dislike – it’s also about being on the receiving end of this treatment.

So why did I reach my maximum capacity for bullshit, at least temporarily?

The short soldier and a very handsome man new to my town full on ghosted me after conversations that I swore were typical can’t-meet-yet-but-actually-want-to, instead of those men who just want a hot chat and the pursuit, with no intention of meeting face to face.

Another man spent a couple of weeks pursuing me while I was away, just to tell me it was too early to meet; he’s not ready. Annoying he still sends one line email messages about how I’m doing.

Several of the men who started conversations with me on Bumble simply stopped.

The two men I proactively reached out to on OKC and POF, who said they were looking for someone similar to me, didn’t bother to even look at my profile or respond.

While being occasionally proactive, text conversations with Kyle are exceedingly frustrating – he will suggest we should meet then when I respond I hear nothing for a day or longer. It’s been a month since I last saw him and I know he’s been traveling almost every single day, but still. It’s frustrating and annoying, even when I have deleted him from my phone and 99% of the time wait until he texts me to text him back.

Drew was super hot and heavy – literally and figuratively – then over the weekend things changed ever so slightly. He was working and had to cancel Sunday night, and he made no concrete suggestions for a reschedule. I had asked if he wanted to go to a sporting event with me on Wednesday and he didn’t bother to come back definitively or to even say he couldn’t commit.

I was sooooo fed up at this point – not just with him but them all. Unfortunately, Drew works in the same industry as Tony so never knows his schedule in advance, nor can he know for certain when he’s done on the days he is working. He did reach out and has called and feels terrible (he says) about his lack of communication.

I’d like to believe him. But we believe and see primarily what we want. So his actions will need to speak more than his words. So far, his actions haven’t been particularly redeeming. He’s got another chance, as we spoke on the phone and are trying to find a window that works for us both, before this weekend. He said he would find out and get back to me. I really hope he does.

I’m seeing Lewis tonight: first time since the five-some. I’m seeing Jake on Sunday – am taking him to a sporting event and I’m sure we’ll spend some time in my bed as well. Jason has asked to see me again and we are looking at dates. Hopefully I will see Drew on Friday. Maybe one of these days I will go on a fourth date with Kyle. Can’t hold my breath on the latter two. If they come to me, great.

And the time I would otherwise have spent online dating? I promised myself I would use it to go to the gym and investigate doing something with my writing. Hopefully both far more satisfactory activities. It might last a week, or a month, or a year. But for the moment, I have enough shitty behavior to handle.

31 thoughts on “Date frustrations

  1. I feel for you, Ann.
    You deserve better, babe.
    Hang in there.
    (I know I’m full of cliches, but they’re all I have right now.)
    Never forget, you’re one of my favorite people.

  2. Oh God. Dating seems to bring out the worst in people. The only person I know enjoying the process at the moment is a friend who positions himself as ethically non-monogamous and says it weeds out those who done know what they want!

      • I just read an article that touches on this. Basically, it seems to be a supply and demand thing: if a man perceives that there is an abundance of women, he doesn’t put much effort in. In case of scarcity, the opposite is true. The article overgeneralized but I think there’s a nugget of truth in it.

        • I’m sure that’s true for both men and women…and yes I’m familiar with that theory. Didn’t think about it when writing this, but online dating certainly makes people think there is an abundance. Which there is, just not necessarily of quality / good fit.

          • Sorry, your comment got caught in spam. Do you mean if they disappear then you were nothing special to them? I don’t think it’s always about passing the time. I think sometimes people are just talking to too many others and when someone rises to the top, they simply stop bothering with the rest.

  3. YES. YES YES YES. My life is SO MUCH better now that I have eliminated online dating from my life. I might meet less ppl, but the disappearance of that shitty hurtful frustration from my life? AMAZING.

    Occasionally I freak out that I ve eliminated my main way of meeting new ppl, and then i remember what those ppl were actually like, and I decide that I’ll take the risk. I’m done wasting my energy and noise on ppl who really REALLY don’t deserve any (they are STRANGERS only, it doesnt make sense that it can get to me so much?! But it does. to you too!)

  4. I know it won’t make u feel any better but this is soooo common, I know it feels personal, but this seems to be the way that men are. I know that’s horrible. I don’t know what happened to manners and decency, but this seems to be the case for most men 😖

  5. I haven’t dated since 1975… all this is so foreign to me… but, I’m feeling anxious at the very thought… hang in there… that Karma dividend you have coming from all you’ve banked should arrive by the 1st…

  6. I really haven’t had people ghost on me, and I’m more than likely to stop responding. But like you, I deplore just disappearing, so I’ll at least give them a quick message on why I disappear (lack of interest normally).
    I fully support your idea to give yourself a break and take time for you. I’m doing that myself by giving me a 60 day no penetrating sex goal – and posting something on twitter everyday on why I am worthy of that time and focus.
    You, my dear, are quite worthy of whatever you decide to focus on – most especially yourself.

    • See I don’t consider what you do disappearing, then. I have no issue whatsoever (other than not liking the rejection, obviously) if someone says “hey, sorry… Not into it” (kinda thing). But going from a conversation to silence is just plain rude.

      I’m glad to hear about your quest if it’s something you want to do. I’ll try to remember to check out your tweets!!

      I know I was lucky the last few times I went online to meet someone quickly (Fox, etc) and get back off the sites. This is the first time in a while I’ve suffered for so long lol… I know it’s not that long, I just reach my tolerance for BS quickly I suppose. I really did mean it that I’m not sure how long this will last. What I’m trying mostly to avoid is that awful feeling of not knowing if someone actually likes me and has good intentions… And then questioning what the hell is going on when they are silent or stop being proactive. Fucking hate that.

  7. At least you’re still meeting some people. I’ve given up on that as too many guys bail and I’m tired to trying to get things established. I’m just not up to any of it so I understand how you feel

  8. I truly feel for you. I haven’t had to experience this firsthand, but reading yours and M’s stories makes me simultaneously wistful for adventure and queasy at the thought of all the bullshit. I’m happily remarried and grateful, but I often wonderful what I’d be dealing with were he never to have returned to my life.

  9. I have experienced much of the same behaviors from men from online dating.
    What baffles me is some men will complain about women being flakey, yet then they end up being the flakey ones themselves.
    I’m nursing a sore heart from a FWB of 3 years whom I have not heard from for almost a month now since he moved one state away. Yet the last time I hear from him he suggested a weekend together him visiting me. It’s not like him to not respond back for this long of a stretch. He was/is a special friend/lover as was I to him. I just don’t understand it, and it hurts. 🙁 He did say he had started to develop feelings for me before his move, but he had to move. God I miss him! And yes I do care deeply about him too. I’m thinking maybe he’s hurting too and maybe just doesn’t want to drag out the hurt by staying in contact? Hell I don’t know.

  10. I’m sorry. Lame! Those dudes have no idea what they are missing.

    But a Lewis-Jake-Jason lineup makes me weak in the knees. I can’t wait to hear details, especially Jason ones. You know I have a crush on him!

  11. I’ve been putting my toe in the water of online dating and so far it has really shitty. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know. But I feel like the whole process is cold and distant and . . . strange. It feels strange to try and sell myself. I’ve never tried to do that before and it turns out I’m a pretty shitty salesman. Meeting women in the real world has always been easy enough but I thought I’d open up and start dating women who weren’t married. Fuck me.

What do you think?