I shut down my OK Cupid profile and my just-recently-opened Plenty of Fish profile. Bumble went down as well, after sending a note to just one man telling him I wasn’t unmatching him and giving him my number in case he wanted to reach out.
It’s not for lack of messages. If I only wanted to men to take me out for dinner or have sex I’d be golden. But I’m ultimately looking for a boyfriend. So as I’ve said for a long time now, I don’t engage with every man who comes along. And I don’t mind the bad, rude, crass, or simply inane opening messages. I don’t mind hearing from 21 year-olds who swear I’m the hottest thing they’ve seen. It’s just noise and sometimes the messages are amusing.
I wouldn’t even be in this mental place if I’d met some guys and went on some dates and it didn’t work out. I’m okay with either me or him deciding the right dating chemistry isn’t there between us.
But what I can’t stand is experiencing shitty and dismissive behavior over and over again. Don’t like me? Fine. But grow some fucking balls and exit gracefully.
I know this won’t happen.
If I can’t make people proactively offer elderly women a seat on the bus, I certainly can’t influence male dating behavior. And unlike tapping someone on the shoulder with a hands on reminder, there is nothing I can do to change this.
Even at work, I can coach and influence. I have the seniority and authority – both formal and informal – to make a difference. If someone works for me and their behavior or performance is bad enough and beyond repair, I can fire them or move into a more appropriate role.
Don’t get me wrong – I know I can’t control people. I can’t make anyone change their behavior. But in dating? It’s a black hole and there’s nothing I can do about it.
In every sphere of my life, bad / rude / callous / inconsiderate behavior makes me mental. So while my dating fatigue is less about rejection – although that’s absolutely something I dislike – it’s also about being on the receiving end of this treatment.
So why did I reach my maximum capacity for bullshit, at least temporarily?
The short soldier and a very handsome man new to my town full on ghosted me after conversations that I swore were typical can’t-meet-yet-but-actually-want-to, instead of those men who just want a hot chat and the pursuit, with no intention of meeting face to face.
Another man spent a couple of weeks pursuing me while I was away, just to tell me it was too early to meet; he’s not ready. Annoying he still sends one line email messages about how I’m doing.
Several of the men who started conversations with me on Bumble simply stopped.
The two men I proactively reached out to on OKC and POF, who said they were looking for someone similar to me, didn’t bother to even look at my profile or respond.
While being occasionally proactive, text conversations with Kyle are exceedingly frustrating – he will suggest we should meet then when I respond I hear nothing for a day or longer. It’s been a month since I last saw him and I know he’s been traveling almost every single day, but still. It’s frustrating and annoying, even when I have deleted him from my phone and 99% of the time wait until he texts me to text him back.
Drew was super hot and heavy – literally and figuratively – then over the weekend things changed ever so slightly. He was working and had to cancel Sunday night, and he made no concrete suggestions for a reschedule. I had asked if he wanted to go to a sporting event with me on Wednesday and he didn’t bother to come back definitively or to even say he couldn’t commit.
I was sooooo fed up at this point – not just with him but them all. Unfortunately, Drew works in the same industry as Tony so never knows his schedule in advance, nor can he know for certain when he’s done on the days he is working. He did reach out and has called and feels terrible (he says) about his lack of communication.
I’d like to believe him. But we believe and see primarily what we want. So his actions will need to speak more than his words. So far, his actions haven’t been particularly redeeming. He’s got another chance, as we spoke on the phone and are trying to find a window that works for us both, before this weekend. He said he would find out and get back to me. I really hope he does.
I’m seeing Lewis tonight: first time since the five-some. I’m seeing Jake on Sunday – am taking him to a sporting event and I’m sure we’ll spend some time in my bed as well. Jason has asked to see me again and we are looking at dates. Hopefully I will see Drew on Friday. Maybe one of these days I will go on a fourth date with Kyle. Can’t hold my breath on the latter two. If they come to me, great.
And the time I would otherwise have spent online dating? I promised myself I would use it to go to the gym and investigate doing something with my writing. Hopefully both far more satisfactory activities. It might last a week, or a month, or a year. But for the moment, I have enough shitty behavior to handle.