Civility shouldn’t be rare. Or, why I almost cried twice in 24 hours.

I’m on a plane flying home from New York, where I’ve been the last several days. It was wonderful but I always look forward to getting home after too many nights in a hotel room. A breakfast of bacon, eggs, some toast and coffee should not cost $35 US.

I did not seek a debaucherous vacation, nor did debauchery find me anyway. As you know, sometimes it comes to you. I am however sporting four very large hickeys on the front of my neck, with no concealer to be found. But that’s not the reason I’m writing at the moment.

My level of patience and optimism with my dating life has been cyclical – right now I’m in a place where the lack of common decency shown by so many gets to me. It’s not just my experience, it’s those of my friends as well.Β 

We write of men who go from constant texting one day to silence the next. Who compliment us just to end up only wanting phone sex and sexy pictures. Who create fake online dating profiles or stories to solicit our attention and nothing else. Who text after months of silence because we are next in their rotation. Or who we date a few times and hear all the right things to have them simply. disappear.

I have always thought this world is largely devoid of basic kindness and courtesy, even taking into account cultural differences that can lead us to think others are ill-mannered. But my dating experience means I feel this almost daily, and it’s so goddamned personal. This isn’t seeing a young person failing to give up their seat for the elderly (I almost always intervene), this is a man who is ignoring ME.

The behavior already bothers me, so add to it happening to me and it bothers me even more. Friends have pointed out part of my pursuit of men after they are clearly not interested is because I want them to admit they have behaved badly. Once I get that I feel better. Of course, it doens’t happen, so not only is my pursuit futile, it is counter productive and embarrassing. I’ve gotten better at it, but the instinct is still there.

All this to say, it’s an unfortunate truth that being with someone who is a gentleman, who demonstrates kindness and empathy is bloody rare.

And when that kindness and empathy is combined with adoration and complete acceptance, I am rendered speechless – moved beyond words.

I’ve been given a lot of gifts through this blog, but the personal connections I’ve made are the most valuable. I realized that other than one text exchange with a friend I’ve known for years, everyone I met this trip is a blog friend. That’s pretty amazing to me.

But back to my point.

I met someone new this time. He’s not a blogger but is a regular commenter. And he doesn’t know it (well he’s about to, I suppose) but his treatment of me moved me beyond my ability to express it in person. I held back tears because I didn’t want to have to explain.

The men I have met through this blog are very special to me. I first experienced with Johnny Id the wonder of a man who knew all of my secrets and fell in love with me anyway. It was incredibly liberating. While I haven’t dated any bloggers since, there have been a few men who I know have liked me well beyond my obvious sexuality. It’s wonderful to not have secrets with someone.

The past few days, I have been treated with a respect, kindness, acceptance, and courtesy pretty damn rare in this world, and definitely rare in my dating life. Fox was a gentleman but ultimately couldn’t accept me as I was. Tony is completely accepting but not much a gentleman and his lies have caused me emotional distress. I could go on, but would rather dwell on the positive.

I was taken for dinner. Escorted to the airport. Taken to Coney Island where I’d never been and always wanted to go. Treated to beer and lobster rolls and whatever my heart desired. My bags were held for me. My brain was engaged. My endless questions about New York (thrilled to be hanging out with a native) were patiently answered. I was asked questions about who I was and things I don’t. My answered were remembered.

My whole person felt adored. My body was worshipped.

And it was almost unbearable.

41 thoughts on “Civility shouldn’t be rare. Or, why I almost cried twice in 24 hours.

  1. I can understand how overwhelming this can feel. But you didn’t experience this without a reason.
    There ARE men out there who will offer you this, what you need, and accept you as you are.
    Sometimes, I think I wasn’t ready for that before and that’s why I didn’t get it. We often look for something that scares us and then… we find reasons why it won’t work. I know I had a tendency to do that, even if I stayed instead of ran away.

    I know that you don’t really consider what I have with envy, and that’s fine. You need something different, but you also have to be truly open to it. Maybe you experiencing this was life showing you that you are now ready for it?

    All I wish for you Ann is that you find the happiness you deserve with a man who knows how lucky he is to have you.

    It was good to read this post. Though… FOUR hickeys? Wow!
    XO

  2. It’s truly sad that this has been your experience with men. Makes me happy I’m not dating right now… So happy to hear of your experience with this attentive man!

  3. Never accept being treated anything less than the goddess you are. You are absolutely right, there are so many shitty men out there, but if they truly adore u, they will step up to the plate. ❀️

  4. This post has a great ending! I hope it is a cliffhanger, though. I want this to be the start of something beautiful for you. Under what circumstances, if any, will we learn this gentleman’s (blog) identity?

    • Not a cliffhanger particularly, I’m not keen on online dating and our meeting really wasn’t about establishing a relationship. But it was a lovely time and I do hope to see him again. You won’t learn his identity because he’s not keen on sharing it – so it will be up to him to “out” himself!

  5. It saddens me that there are so many men who behave badly. Who or what broke them in the first place? As for needing them to admit it, I can relate. I confronted an old flame not too long ago, in a drunken stupor and not only did I wake up the next morning feeling like a complete asshole, but it didn’t sit well with my husband, who saw the whole thing go down. It takes forever and a day to grow up sometimes, and even when we do, there’s still that tiny voice that insists on proving us wrong that we need to duct tape to a chair. Can’t wait for more details on this new development for you.

    • I’m sure women do it too, but I’ve only experienced it at the “hands” of men. I think it’s fueled by the relatively anonymity provided by meeting online. When someone doesn’t know who you really are, who cares how you treat them? (That’s rhetorical, I certainly do.)
      I’m not sure there will be many more details about the man I met in NYC. I may write a bit more about our days together, perhaps, if the fancy strikes πŸ™‚

      • *airy hand wave* Bah! πŸ˜›

        It’s an economical and logistical challenge (says the woman who is having someone fly in to meet her in a week :P) but not an impossibility if you both have the resources and the will.

        I mean, this is obviously just a snippet and maybe there are other incompatibilities, but seriously, a man who made you cry with his loveliness?!

        I know I sound cynical a lot of the time, but I would seriously move heaven and earth for a man I thought who was worth it. A short flight is no big deal.

        Ferns

  6. I’m glad you had fun and don’t want to make you mad but isn’t 4 hickeys in the front 4 too many? Like he’s marking his territory which is immature and very unprofessional for an executive, working girl like you for allowing it to happen. If it was under clothes not shown I’m all for it.

  7. Hickies be damned!! I’m SO glad they happened to you from a man well worth letting him do it to you. Heck, you most likely didn’t realize when he was giving them to you in the throes of passion! Much less did you care! Am I right?
    I can relate so much to what you are going through with the bad behaviors of some men (Not all).
    Yes it does get me down too, but only if I let it.
    Most times I am able to just let them fade away into the sunset of failed dates, but then other times I can’t help but to wonder what I might be doing/saying wrong to cause their behaviors.
    I’m not perfect by a long shot. Nobody is.
    But decent and honest? Yes
    Too much to expect from others?
    I’m beginning to wonder as of late.

    • You are quite right. There were a few times where I knew I would mark in obvious places so stopped him, but a few got through πŸ™‚
      I have injuries similar to those I got when on vacation last year (you may remember my embarrassment at my masturbation injury) and again it was just in the moment and got carried away. Although I regret a bit of that now because I’ve been in pain for days, which sucks. Especially when I pee lol…

  8. Congratulations for finding someone who appreciates YOU -all of you (inside & out). My suggestion is to abandon the dating sites and try meeting guys out in the real world.

    I know it’s harder & takes longer plus you’ll have to find activities that helps you cross paths with those guys. BUT I think you may find a better quality guy – I certainly did. When Match.com said 25% of couples meet online, I cancelled all my dating apps because I realized the odds were against me and I do much better meeting people (like clients) face-2-face. Just a thought to add your already occupied brain. πŸ˜˜πŸ’

    • I’m not limiting myself to dating sites but nor do I think they are a waste of time… I’m not spending much time there anyway right now. There are some activities I’d like to start up in the fall and have been pondering how to make that work with my Liam schedule.

  9. “While I haven’t dated any bloggers since, there have been a few men who I know have liked me well beyond my obvious sexuality.”
    Count me in this category, Ann.
    You’re one of the most special souls I’ve never actually met in person, but I feel like we truly know each other.

  10. So very happy for you! Glad to hear that we (as men) are not without hope as a species! πŸ™‚

    On a side note I want to apologize for not commenting a lot. I just realized that the reader in my WP app is not allowing any ‘likes’ or ‘comments’ and I have to actually access your blog page.

    Now I know!

What do you think?