i've filled my online dating dance card

My dance card is full again

Clark wanted to get together on Sunday but I said no. Not for lack of physical desire (sex just stokes the internal fires), but I’d had my emotional fill of cock that week. He has been pursuing me, asking when we will see each other. He is single and keen for “good pussy” (Lewis’s words).

I’m seeing him on Monday along with Lewis. Maybe with a bonus (third!) dude and the woman from before. I’d be happy to have all three men at my own disposal but perhaps that makes me greedy. Fuck it, I don’t care.

I am seeing Jake on Friday. When in my latest “screw it I’m filling all my time with girlfriends” phase I booked time to see a close friend for dinner. Jake will come over afterwards in what I’m sure will be a repeat of our last date. I’m okay with that; we’ve discussed setting another date with more time together.

Jake has been in touch daily. Nothing overwhelming but a check in and brief texting back and forth. I’m looking forward to seeing him again. I guess I should put the waterproof mattress pad under my sheets.

::

Another blast from the past has surfaced. Several weeks ago I literally ran into Andrew at an indoor children’s playground. We both had our kids, so said hi but couldn’t talk. I can’t remember the last time we were in touch – it’s been a long time. I sent him a text saying it was nice to see him and the exchanged ended with him saying perhaps we should meet for a drink. It died there with neither of us following up.

But then, who should I see a few days ago in my “people who have visited you” list on OKC? With a 92% match? He had “liked” me, which made me giggle. I fired off a text saying “so we’re a 92% match?” to which he immediately responded “Yup… I will call you tomorrow.”

Which he did, 6 minutes before a meeting. We had the lightning fast instant intellectual banter I always enjoyed with him. He said he’d answered 653 questions to my 1,500 (when did I ever find the time?!) and we laughed about a few of our “incompatible” answers. I would ignore a spider and he would try to get it outside. I don’t think burning my country’s flag should be illegal and he does.

I had to go to my meeting but we said we’d find a time to meet via text.

::

I met someone new on OK Cupid. He’ll get a name after our first date, should it go well. He’s 52, tall, and seems boyish and fit. Loves to laugh, travel, has a boat. He’s over-tanned. No kids, never married, but has had a few long term relationships. We had some good banter on the site, then moved to a phone call. The conversation flowed relatively easily.

I’m not sure we’re a great intellectual match, but I’m open to trying different things and people. Like Jake, he’s got a blue collar job – he’s in a union. I don’t inherently care about someone’s job. What I care about is they aren’t intimidated by mine and if they had to join me at a work event they would be comfortable. I care that someone is willing to try things that I like (opera, art galleries, blues clubs) even if it’s not their natural state.

I haven’t told him the last couple of times I was on a boat I got seasick. I suspect that might kill a relationship before it even starts. He disclosed he was a smoker, which wasn’t on his profile. I told him that could be a big issue for me. We’ll see.

My date with him is Friday. Yes, you read that right. I have two dates on Friday.

I’m going to see new sailor dude in the early afternoon, then after dinner at my girlfriends I’m seeing Jake. Yay me.

::

Ian has been texting very infrequently. After our last date I asked him if he was okay with how things went down. I was worried about telling him I blogged.

Several days later he replied saying yes and made a joke about me being happy with a hard cock between my legs. It landed flat, he said he was just trying to make me laugh but it didn’t seem like it at the time. Admittedly he’s sometimes slightly awkward via text so I’m not reading too much into it.

I sent him a piece of writing I did about dating (not from the blog) a few days later and we had a brief back and forth about it.

We have no plans for a follow up date and that’s alright. I know he’s in the city next week so am intellectually curious whether he will ask to see me, but my heart’s okay if he doesn’t.

::

I met someone else on Bumble but haven’t had the capacity to start a conversation with him. I think I should tell him I’m overwhelmed and will reach out to him at another time. There’s been nothing particularly captivating about the dialogue so far. Someone who can’t text “good morning” but instead just says “gm”… really?

I shut down my Bumble profile. OK Cupid is still open but I’m not engaging with anyone else at this point. There have been so many uninteresting or ridiculous opening messages but I no longer respond to them unless the person is really captivating or they’ve made a big effort (and then I will say something like “thank you but I’m not interested”) because otherwise I get a torrent of nasty stuff back.

If someone interesting comes along I will definitely entertain them.

::

I can’t even talk too much about Kyle yet. I’ve taken a different approach with him because I want so desperately to believe a truth different than his actions. I’ve said to myself “what would I do if I believed he was actually interested in me?” and so have reached out a few times proactively.

He’s responded every time. He said if he wasn’t into me, he would have told me. He said he hasn’t been on a date since he saw me and the reason he and I haven’t been on another date is because he’s been travelling and slammed with work.

I don’t particularly believe him, but I’d like to. I finally moved past being hurt that he didn’t pursue me, so now I’m intellectually curious what will happen.

But the best news is I’m busy enough he and his rejection are no longer top of mind. My dance card is full. I’m sure it won’t stay that way, and that’s okay too, but it’s good for right now.

31 thoughts on “My dance card is full again

    • It’s not actually, not when you’ve answered enough questions. It doesn’t guarantee chemistry (nothing can) but it absolutely tells you how aligned you are on certain attitudes and beliefs. Why do you discount it?

      • >I can’t even talk too much about Kyle yet. I’ve taken a different approach with him because I want so desperately to believe a truth different than his actions.

        Oy vey.

          • Yes. And he’s already told you with his actions that he’s not interested. Why would you even waste your time continuing to reach out to him at this point? You certainly have better things to do with your time than drag this out over nothing more than what you’re calling “intellectual curiosity”.

          • I’ve spent maybe 5 minutes effort in total and that’s rounding up. You’re right, I have lots better to do and I’m doing them. Please cut me some slack on this one.

          • OK, but to be fair it wasn’t just this. You’ve talked about this guy over the course of several recent posts, and I just don’t understand why someone you only went on two dates with and is doing the fade-away to you has thrown you for such a loop.

          • I haven’t sorted all of that out in my head yet, but on the surface I’d say three things.

            First, it’s incredibly rare for me to find someone I connect with like that, where we also have a lot in common from a lifestyle perspective. So when I meet men like that I have a much stronger connection than those where there’s a list of things that are less-than-ideal but not show stoppers. The latter are far easier to let go.

            Second, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we interpret behavior and how it can sometimes get us into trouble. I’m not in any way debating the shittiness of him bailing on our date. But communication in particular. So I’ve been trying a different approach which could totally backfire and prove out the way some people expect, but I’m minimally emotionally invested at this point such that it won’t do much harm.

            Third, and I know how flakey and crazy this may sound which is why I’ve avoided writing it, but when I first mentioned him to someone very close to me, they said the next day they had a very strong premonition he’d be around in my life for a long time. This person doesn’t say this stuff very often, has never said it about anyone I’ve dated, but their prior experiences with this kind of stuff prove correct. There, I’ve said it. It’s the one and only reason I didn’t completely write him off that first time. I know it could mean absolutely nothing but I figure it’s worth a tiny bit of effort.

      • Because all the matches over 95% I’ve had when I’ve looked at their profile I have absolutely nothing in common with them.

        • Did you just look at their profiles or read their answers to questions? How many questions have you answered?
          Here’s an example… Someone may have a different job, background, etc etc, but their attitudes and beliefs may be very well aligned. That’s been my experience. The high matches may on the surface look different but when I look at the categories of matching there is significant alignment.

  1. YES about “I’ve said to myself “what would I do if I believed he was actually interested in me?” and so have reached out a few times proactively.”

    I think that opens up worlds of possibilities.

    Go Ann Go!

  2. I agree Ann about the attitudes and beliefs. Most important thing for me is what they are interested in and no I didn’t answer 1500 questions lol. Did answer all the sex questions though pmsl.

    • What’s “PMSL”?
      The things someone is interested in are important but I look for a little bit of commonality…what matters more to me is whether someone seems wiling to expand their horizons.

  3. Well-well, Ms. St. Vincent, ample physical satiety, a couple of pending “intellectual curiosity” matters and even some late-breaking novelty, nautical and otherwise—you’ve got yourself all the elements “of a well-balanced breakfast” (as is said in the ad game.) 🙉

    “Jake has been in touch daily.” Of course, he has—-poor devil doesn’t want to have to again wait two years for the pleasure(s) of your company. 🙈

    And, to close, an affectionate, avuncular chiding: You have not only once amiably twitted me about my lexicon; our epistolary badinage always feels (to me, at least) well volleyed; I am partial to RIGOLETTO, the Weimarists (Dix, Beckmann, Grosz) and Lucille Bogan—yet, I am a member of not one, but, two labor unions. So, y’know… 😏

    • Fair point about the unions… When I find out someone is a member of a labor union I want to suss out whether they feel that sense of entitlement which is a complete non-starter for me. I’ve sat across the table in negotiations with labor leaders who had no clue what the “real world” is like. Seems my boating friend doesn’t have that attitude, what he does have is a full pension in a little over a year…

  4. Gosh, Andrew? Lol. That’s pretty funny. I can’t recall what happened at the end with him.

    In the meantime, I think the reason your commenters above have noted “intellectual curiosity” in quotes is because it’s really our brilliant Ann justifying bad behavior. It’s a waste of your time as you have said to me more times than I can count and you have found a clever way to label it.

    Something else is going on in you that you are pursuing these seemingly dead ends.

    There’s too much self talk involved in keeping them around and most all your readers call out the same – move on.

    I can’t judge you for this because it’s behavior I demonstrate all the time. What I’m saying is that you call me on it ALL the time. But you are doing it pretty consistently of late. Why? Boredom? 🙄

    I just think dating is tough and we don’t always make great choices. Sometimes it seems that “just one more” text or phone call can solve it, get to the bottom of it, or change the behavior. We have yet to see this actually work. So while you are expending energy to change your behavior and “believe” he could be interested, he’s having his cake and eating it too. You’re on his hook.

    It’s just not a place you’ve been in a long time and I question why you are doing it now.

    • I presume the dead ends you are referring to are Kyle and Ian? With the latter, there’s nothing else going on. He’s sent a text or two, I’ve responded, there is no followup and no date sent. There’s no pursuit and I’m perfectly fine with that.

      You question why I’m doing it now? I’ve talked about pulling away from Tony and how losing someone who has been around for me consistently since last October is very difficult, even though for several months I’ve known there’s no relationship potential. He can’t be my primary or my fallback anymore.

      I’m very deliberately filling my time with friends, family, and dudes… it’s not boredom as much as it’s a need to fully move on from that relationship and prove to myself I don’t need him around. And after taking some time off on trying to find someone to date, I’m back into it. Remember I met Fox really fast and NWSNBN really fast… I haven’t actually experienced rejection in a long while. I’ve had a good run 🙂

      With Kyle, I really did want to see whether my gut was right or wrong, and that’s what I was referring to as my intellectual curiosity – what someone who otherwise showed very little “fuck yeah” about me between our dates would do when prodded.

      What I’ve learned is he will swear he’s into me, it’s just been his schedule, and as you know, he said he’s not been on a date since. Which is fascinating but ultimately not worth expending emotional energy or time on it.

      The reason I called you out on that kind of thing is because you would get hurt by it – you would get heavily emotionally invested really quickly and it would lead to damage to your self-esteem. So you’re quite right to call me out on spending any time on Kyle – I’ve described in a prior post how much his silence hurt, and why. There’s that nagging 5% of hope which I’m trying to get rid of. I’m almost there 🙂

  5. It’s a deal breaker for me if a guy can’t write (and yes, text) in full, correct sentences. It may be shallow of me, but I figure if they are too busy, don’t care enough, or are not intelligent enough to write in full, correct sentences, then there is a good chance we are not going to mesh.

    I am very much looking forward to hearing about your next encounter with Clark and his friends.

      • CAVEAT:
        Let no one mistake (alas) that Ann St. Vincent can be lassoed by nothing more than expansive syntax and grammatically correct compound-complex sentence construction. 😉

  6. Wow. I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive but it seems to me that most people are being extra tough on you.
    Hang in there and have fun!
    Hugs

What do you think?