saying goodbye to tony

My busy week | Tues & Wed (with Tony….ssshhhh)

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Tuesday | Out with girlfriends

Tuesday night I went out with some female colleagues after work. One of them is a friend and I’m also her client. There’s a high end restaurant at the base of my office tower, it’s her favorite and she always pays (client appreciation yay!!) so we go there.

We eat a lot of great food, drink cocktails, and multiple bottles of wine. While I got home by 10pm, I was pretty drunk. Keep it together drunk, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any work or drive a car.

My brain still didn’t shut down. Perhaps this happens to everyone, but when I’m trying to move past something the thoughts just seem to circle endlessly. The rejection of Kyle, saying goodbye to Tony, what the fuck I was doing back on OK Cupid, was I fooling myself about what I was doing. You know, typical pre-bed thoughts.Β 

Even being a couple of weeks from a big work deadline isn’t enough. As much as I focus on work, the other thoughts are there to fill up any small spaces. Finding peace and quiet in my brain isn’t easy.

Working out has helped. While I may regale my (male) personal trainer with dating stories, nothing he makes me do is easy and I find myself focused only on not falling off the bosu ball. Which is most excellent.

Otherwise, I find myself thinking of multiple things at all times – not just the task at hand but work stuff, kid stuff, dating stuff. A wide variety of stuff.

Wednesday | Sporting event with Tony

I know I’m letting y’all down and being honest here is painful. But if you think this is painful just wait until you hear how I dealt with Kyle.

I want to be able to just say my goodbye and set Tony free. It will happen but hasn’t happened yet. I am painfully aware there is nothing else that needs to happen to say goodbye – it’s all an excuse. I remember telling Madeline this with her Cowboy. We can tell ourselves we just want that one specific memory, to hear that thing once more, there’s one more thing we need to do… But nope. It’s all one big fucking delay tactic.

Tony and I rely on each other for something we think we can’t get elsewhere. Well, in his case he knowsΒ he can’t get it with his “ex” wife. I still believe it may be possible to find something like what I have with Tony with someone else. But I don’t have it now. He makes me feel secure and wonderful, even in the knowledge that he’s definitely going back to his ex.

I do not have any hope of a relationship with him (I also know such a relationship would likely not work). That’s not what’s driving continued contact. He’s been a pretty constant presence in my life for 18 months. I’m in love with him. Facing losing that is hard.

But yeah, life’s hard sometimes.

We decided to wrap a partial goodbye with a sporting event. We met after work at my place, and he brought Veuve Clicquot champagne, fancy cheeses and charcuterie, a baguette, crackers, and a little gift for me. This was his very belated Valentines Day gift – and he insisted he wanted to do it even though so much time had passed.

He also brought back some mugs he’d borrowed.

We had pre-game sex, so much that we showed up rather late. The game was great, I took a selfie of us – we look so damn happy – our team won and the post game sex was just as good. He knows how much I like to hear my name whispered in my ear, and this time he said “oh Ann…I love you”.

It’s not causing me pain. But it being so nice admittedly is a disincentive to ending it. But I will. He knows he can’t be intimate with his wife and me at the same time. They aren’t having sex, he’s not sleeping over at the house (and yes I know I’m drawing too fine a distinction), and we know there’s an expiry date on all of this.

The next morning I gave him some clothes he’d left at my place. He borrowed another coffee mug and made a George Costanza joke.

I knew I’d see him at least once more.


[Image from the movie “My Favorite Wife”]

49 thoughts on “My busy week | Tues & Wed (with Tony….ssshhhh)

        • I know….truth be told….I’m still “Team Tony” despite my protestations otherwise. Don’t laugh at me, but I am hoping to hear that, after being “with” you (and maybe several visits with a therapist) he professes his desire to BE a boyfriend (or more) to you. To “come clean” to his “Ex” and incorporate you into his (whole) life. I know you’ve said it probably wouldn’t work, and MANY of your followers might disagree, but that was said in the bleak days after the last breakup. Given the chance I think you would “go for it”. There I said it!!!
          LOL, I just re-read my reply! My use of CAPS, “quotation marks”, and (parentheses) seems “(A LITTLE)” extreme in retrospect!

          • I won’t laugh at you. He’s quite tortured about his decision. I don’t think he’s about to come clean, as you say, but I do wonder how long they can possibly last if they are as miserable as he makes it out to be. And longer still, once their son moves out of the house, what will happen then. A long way off but I’ll be curious to see how everything plays out for him.

  1. Life is short you have so much history and feelings with Tony it’s going to hurt regardless of when you stop.

    You are lucky to have met someone, even if only relatively fleetingly, you connect with so amazingly well and you should savour each last moment you have with him.

    Life is short spend every moment you can doing something you enjoy!!

  2. Well I did laugh when you admitted you told me what to do and are now not following your own best advice. But here’s what I can say in retrospect to – the last “goodbye” I had with the Cowboy was one of the best nights of my life. Yes, it lingered after that and I also got in one more amazing night and day with him….but nothing could top that night. Now….if I had been able to let go soon after that, even within a month or two, I would have had much less of a lingering heartbreak. So yes, it will hurt no matter when you do it. I don’t think it hurts more or less, but it just hurts longer.

    Maybe you should choose a line in the sand and work towards that final day. I made many mistakes after my goodbye, but I wil never regret that goodbye.

    Hang in there kid, the road is bumpy ahead.

    • It’s always easier to give advice than to take it πŸ™‚

      I need to figure out what the line in the sand was. It was originally him maintaining a physical connection with her (he’s not, I don’t think) and moving back (which is no longer imminent) so I need to come up with something else that I can hold myself to.

      And thanks hon πŸ™‚

      • What does not imminent mean? Is there still a plan, but not right away? Is the plan cancelled, postponed?

        • He says he’s got a list of things he needs to do in the house (from her) before he moves back. He hasn’t given notice on his place yet. He’s not spending nights at her place. So no, nothing is happening in the next few weeks.

          • Strange. I assume she wants him back, but it’s like she’s making him jump thru hoops to get back in.

          • Sorry but I just have to comment again…

            You know all the above is true how? Because that’s what the guy who’s a proven serial liar has been telling you? Nothing about any of how this is going down according to what Tony has told you even remotely passes the smell test.

            Let’s take a stroll together down Bullshit Lane. He says he’s getting back together with his wife only because that’s the only way he can have more time with his kid. Despite the fact that millions of divorced parents (yourself included) around the world except him have miraculously found ways to get split custody and/or visitation arrangements that work well for seeing and spending time with their children without having to shack back up with their ex-spouse that they allegedly don’t really want to be back with. But not Tony. No, he has to martyr himself relationship-wise and move back in with his yucky ex-wife in order to spend the time he wants with his kid. There’s no other reasonable option, you see! Uh huh. OK.

            But of course, before he can do that, his ex-wife has created a list of things he needs to do on the house she and their kid are already living in before he can move back. Apparently the place is uninhabitable for more than two people in its present condition, or he couldn’t possibly do the work on the house while actually living there, because that would be crazy talk. Or his wife is so batshit crazy and unreasonable that she’s just making up random rules and conditions. The unreasonable wife that he is willingly moving back in with. All of this according to our serial liar Tony, of course. Uh huh. OK.

            And rest assured, he’s not spending nights with her at said uninhabitable house, or having sex with her while still having sex with you. And his sex life with her is practically non-existent anyway. And you know this to be true because he told you so! And he has no track record of lying to everyone around him, right? Well, I mean, other than the fact that he’s lying to his wife every day about your very existence and how he’s carried on with you for months. But he’s not lying to YOU! Well, I mean, other than the series of lies you’ve already caught him in. But everything else he’s told you is the God’s honest truth! Uh huh. OK.

            And yet somehow despite the lies you KNOW he’s told you and his wife, you still choose to accept as the truth all this other stuff he’s told you that doesn’t remotely pass the smell test, but gives you plausible reason to keep seeing and sleeping with him. If bullshit was a river, Tony’s would rival the Mississippi.

          • No need to apologize Josh.

            How do I know some of what’s true? Well, I know what Tony has told me when all of his defenses are down, when he’s opened up, when he’s not trying to save me from being hurt or make his life easier or any of the other stuff that he justifies his lies with. And as fucked up as this may sound, I also know what it means when he’s silent about something versus proactively telling me something. Tony is an expert at the lie of omission. Yes, he has also lied to my direct questions, but generally speaking his modus operandi is to avoid, avoid, avoid. So when there’s something he’s been telling me off and on for 18 months, proactively, without me pushing or asking or forcing a conversation, those things have generally proven to be true.

            Of course, I could be wrong. Would I swear in court to the things I believe? Nope. I’m not that stupid.

            And the whole moving back thing? I’m curious what you think is going on – what your alternate explanation is. She kicked him out two summers ago…he wouldn’t have left had she not forced it. That completely fits with the behavior I’ve seen of his – avoidance and path of least resistance. My guess is the “honey do” list (some of which goes back to December, and has to do with renovating their son’s bedroom) is a test of his commitment. I might do the same thing in her shoes.

            But I know to my core the truth is always somewhere in the middle. I only hear Tony’s side of things, and I know if I was her he would drive me batshit crazy. It is a fact however he hasn’t put notice on his apartment. He hasn’t moved back in. He’s not there late at night when he’s talking to me. Understanding their dynamic and choices I find intellectually interesting but ultimately it doesn’t matter.

            How much of all of this is lies, partial lies, truths… none of it matters, Josh. I don’t take everything at face value, because of all my experience to the contrary. Despite my love for him (which I know probably goes against all logic), there is no relationship between us. There hasn’t been a real relationship since we broke up in January. Given everything that’s happened since then, seeing each other and having sex with one another is going to end. The sex will end imminently. I am not prepared to never talk to him again, and need to think through whether / how I’m going to manage that part.

          • >And the whole moving back thing? I’m curious what you think is going on – what your alternate explanation is.

            My guess is that dragging his feet on moving back allows him to continue to have his cake and eat it too. It allows him to see more of his kid with the promise of getting back together with his wife, while still seeing you. He gets to go away on vacation with you AND subsequently go away on vacation with the wife and kid. What a deal! Once he moves back in for good, that’s the final nail in the coffin of him getting to see you and have sex with you.

            As for the “honey-do” list, if that’s really a condition of him moving back in and getting to see and spend more time with his kid, and he really wants to see and spend more time with his kid, then logic would dictate he’d be there every spare moment with a motherfucking paint brush and hammer so he could move back in and be with his kid as quickly as possible. Again, none of what he’s said jibes with his actions. If all this “sacrifice” is for the purpose of being with his kid, what’s taking him so fucking long? What’s he waiting for? It doesn’t pass the smell test at all.

            And I know you say you’re done with him, but you’ve said that before, and most importantly you’ve demonstrated to Tony over and over that your resolve is weak when it comes to him. How many times over the past 2 years have you either broken up with him, or told him you can’t be in contact anymore, only to end up back in bed with him, going away on vacation with him, or (as of last week) going on a date and sex with him?

            What this tells him is that if he can drag things out on moving back in with the wife, he can still have the best of both worlds, because he knows that your pronouncements about not seeing each other anymore don’t mean anything. He’s heard it all over and over before, and yet there you two were last week with charcuterie, a ballgame and sex. He also knows he can blatantly lie to you, get caught, and you’ll still come back. Your threats to truly end things have no meaning to him anymore, and why should they?

            And if nothing else just remember that he’s lying every single day to his wife, by omission, overtly or both about you. He’ll never tell her about you, and if she does find out, he’ll trickle truth her till the cows come home. Because that’s the kind of guy he is.

          • First paragraph? Absolutely agree.

            Second? Yes, he’s conflicted and his lack of actions demonstrates that. I think it reflects it quite accurately – he believes he’s going back to a marriage that will make him miserable, rightly or wrongly he can’t see an alternative that gives him the time and control over how his child is raised that he would like. She asked for him to come back over a year ago and he’s been waffling to a greater or lesser extent for this long. I’m not surprised that now that there’s been a “decision” made he still can’t pull the trigger. He’s consumed with the thoughts he’s making a mistake for him and his son, and the worry he may just end up moving out again. He’s totally fucked up, I don’t have to like it to believe his actions actually align with everything he’s said (and not said. and done, etc)

            Third and fourth paragraphs? Yup. You’re right. I haven’t been strong or stuck to anything with him for very long. I broke up with him twice. I lasted maybe three months after breaking it off with him the first time, and he reached out in October and I got sucked right back in. There’s no question in my mind that part of why I was able to stay away was because of Fox.

            The second time I broke up with him didn’t last for more than a few weeks, except I went back to dating other people but that didn’t change anything from his perspective – I think he finally got a perfect relationship with me when I let go of some of the binds of a relationship.

            I don’t need to be reminded of that last piece; I’m keenly aware.

  3. I’ve come round to liking Tony. In the past all that rubbish about not being able to contact you (he’s a camera man?they sit around all day waiting wardrobe makeup lighting) didn’t sit comfortably with me.

    You now seem to have an understanding. I think as we get older and more confident about asking for what we want that’s a good way of doing things.

    It may be a friend with benefits a FB or just someone to take yo the concert and the gallery. In your case a guy you really get on with have a sporting link with and enjoy great sex with. If you are a person that has varied interests and I know you are then how do you find someone that ticks every single box. All the above. I honestly think it’s impossible so having arrangements with different guys for different things is for me the way forward.

    It now seems to be working with you two because a lot of the bull shit seems to have been cut out. Maybe there is a way forward for you too but as an arrangement.

    • He’s not a camera man but he’s in that industry. Genuinely there are times he can’t communicate, but to be fair to him, since last October he changed greatly with his communication style and frequency. We’ve spoken almost every single day.

      I don’t think I can continue to have a friendship with him – at least not a friendship where we see each other with any regularity. I’m not sure I can even see him at all… I don’t want to be the “other woman” and the moment he moves back in there’s no denying that’s what I’d be, 100%. It’s also not good for me to be so strongly connected to someone I can’t have in my life as a partner. That’s the biggest issue.

      • Yes, but I’m not saying anything you must not already know deep down. The only question is whether you want to change the pattern badly enough.

        • Well I actually made all these choices very deliberately. Some were to test how it would feel (Ian in particular) and others were exactly what I wanted and I don’t regret them at all. What pattern are you referring to?

          • The pattern of continually choosing short term gratification at the expense of long term emotional stability and happiness.

            You know things will end badly with Tony, but rather than rip the band-aid off and truly give yourself the opportunity to be fully emotionally ready for the right relationship, you continue to get your “fix” with Tony, unable to let him go, not because you don’t know you should, but simply because you don’t want to.

            And because of that, you are fucking yourself out of being emotionally ready and open if the right person actually did come along right now or at any time that you are still intertwined with Tony. And I know you’ll probably claim that you can compartmentalize your feelings for Tony if the right other guy came along right now, but I call bullshit to that. Even if in sub-conscious or imperceptible ways, you being fully in love with him and continuing to see and sleep with him, which keeps your feelings from being able to subside taints the potential with anyone else.

            And of course, that’s not even getting into the issue of you now willfully choosing to be an accessory to Tony’s lying and cheating on his wife, whatever distinction you may convince yourself justifies it. Not to mention that it’s already long since been established that Tony lies not just to her but to you whenever it’s convenient, so I don’t believe for one solitary second that he’s not fucking her at the same time he’s fucking you. Not. One. Second. That’s just what he’s told you so he can keep having his cake and eat it too. And if you believe him when he tells you that, I have some swampland to sell you.

            And that really illustrates my point. Your love for him continually blinds you to the truth. You give him the benefit of the doubt when he’s earned none of it. You believe him when he tells you he’s not fucking his wife while still fucking you, when all evidence has shown over and over and over again that he lies for convenience. He’s the asshole, but you’re the fool.

            When you make the same mistake over and over it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a deliberate choice. So yes, you are indeed making these choices deliberately. And in the process you are just fucking yourself in the long run.

          • I can’t claim to compartmentalize my feelings about him. There’s no question I’m in love. The only thing that makes this okay in my heart is I know there’s no relationship potential for us. There’s no hope of that. Sure, maybe in romantic fantasizing where I think about my grandmother and her suitor who came back after 40 years…but that’s just fantasizing, it doesn’t change anything today.

            I know we’ve talked about this before, but I did let go of a belief in a relationship possibility with him back in January when we broke up. Knowing that deep down is what has allowed me to spend time with him and not be gutted by it. I’m not gutted by not being able to have him, whereas I definitely spent a lot of 2015 agonizing over it.

            Said another way, I’m finally at peace with it not working out between us. Which is a big deal for me to have gotten there. The time I’ve spent with him since February has been lovely and supportive but not future looking.

            I suppose I believe therefore that I’m ready for someone else to come along. I know you disagree. You could be right.

            I’ve also forgiven him for all the old shit. Being able to finally get so angry, say all the things I needed to say, and having him acknowledge those things, made a huge difference. It’s not good for me to hold on to the anger.

            And finally, I’ve already pulled away compared to what we had before – part of busying myself with friends and others, part of going back to online dating again, not talking to him every day… those are all the steps I’m taking to move away from him. I know it’s not enough yet. I know I need to be fully free.

            I have no doubt I’m blind to things. We can debate the sex thing but I don’t know the merit. I would tell you what I’ve known to be true for a long time about his sexual relationship (lack thereof, specifically) with her, and you will tell me I’m deluding myself. Could be.

            I will say I do always appreciate you not holding back on your opinions. It always makes me think even more, and it’s a great thing for me as I try to process everything I’m going through. Thank you. xo

          • Glad to be of service, heh, though we’ll probably have to leave this discussion there. I do wish you the best, even if I think the road ahead is still rocky.

  4. So sad for you πŸ™

    It’s scary to know you could lose something you may not find again.

  5. Like Josh said, I’d place my bet that he is having sex with her and you…he has nothing to lose since he has lied to you in the past about her…and if you were to find out he was having sex with both of you could you be mad at him?? Of course, but really, you would be more mad at yourself so I wish you would stop torturing yourself and let him go….

  6. Sigh.

    Painful or not, I’m going to comment on what Josh said. His words are harsh, but thought-provoking. I have to say, as a person who has been there, that it’s very difficult to break away when you love someone so much, even as you know it’s inevitable. There’s something so heartbreakingly bittersweet when the love is returned (or so it seems) to a degree that makes pulling away ever much harder. I agree that continuing on in any way isn’t good for anyone, but I understand the difficulty.

    • Thank you Tara. It is hard, I’m mentally mostly there – in that I know there’s no future and have for a while – but to sever things completely (or as much as I feel they need to be) has proven rather difficult.

  7. With this post now five days old—and having been thoroughly dissected, anatomized and autopsied—-there is absolutely nothing to add. So, one is only left to ask:

    [J]ust wait until you hear how I dealt with Kyle.

    How long must we wait for that? πŸ˜‰

  8. Sounds like he’s tying up some loose ends. Good. You can be free of each other then.

    He’s also probably got a new woman lined up or soon be in his home and he’s doing some housekeeping before awkward questions arise. Been there, done that.

What do you think?