Tuesday | Out with girlfriends
Tuesday night I went out with some female colleagues after work. One of them is a friend and I’m also her client. There’s a high end restaurant at the base of my office tower, it’s her favorite and she always pays (client appreciation yay!!) so we go there.
We eat a lot of great food, drink cocktails, and multiple bottles of wine. While I got home by 10pm, I was pretty drunk. Keep it together drunk, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any work or drive a car.
My brain still didn’t shut down. Perhaps this happens to everyone, but when I’m trying to move past something the thoughts just seem to circle endlessly. The rejection of Kyle, saying goodbye to Tony, what the fuck I was doing back on OK Cupid, was I fooling myself about what I was doing. You know, typical pre-bed thoughts.
Even being a couple of weeks from a big work deadline isn’t enough. As much as I focus on work, the other thoughts are there to fill up any small spaces. Finding peace and quiet in my brain isn’t easy.
Working out has helped. While I may regale my (male) personal trainer with dating stories, nothing he makes me do is easy and I find myself focused only on not falling off the bosu ball. Which is most excellent.
Otherwise, I find myself thinking of multiple things at all times – not just the task at hand but work stuff, kid stuff, dating stuff. A wide variety of stuff.
Wednesday | Sporting event with Tony
I know I’m letting y’all down and being honest here is painful. But if you think this is painful just wait until you hear how I dealt with Kyle.
I want to be able to just say my goodbye and set Tony free. It will happen but hasn’t happened yet. I am painfully aware there is nothing else that needs to happen to say goodbye – it’s all an excuse. I remember telling Madeline this with her Cowboy. We can tell ourselves we just want that one specific memory, to hear that thing once more, there’s one more thing we need to do… But nope. It’s all one big fucking delay tactic.
Tony and I rely on each other for something we think we can’t get elsewhere. Well, in his case he knows he can’t get it with his “ex” wife. I still believe it may be possible to find something like what I have with Tony with someone else. But I don’t have it now. He makes me feel secure and wonderful, even in the knowledge that he’s definitely going back to his ex.
I do not have any hope of a relationship with him (I also know such a relationship would likely not work). That’s not what’s driving continued contact. He’s been a pretty constant presence in my life for 18 months. I’m in love with him. Facing losing that is hard.
But yeah, life’s hard sometimes.
We decided to wrap a partial goodbye with a sporting event. We met after work at my place, and he brought Veuve Clicquot champagne, fancy cheeses and charcuterie, a baguette, crackers, and a little gift for me. This was his very belated Valentines Day gift – and he insisted he wanted to do it even though so much time had passed.
He also brought back some mugs he’d borrowed.
We had pre-game sex, so much that we showed up rather late. The game was great, I took a selfie of us – we look so damn happy – our team won and the post game sex was just as good. He knows how much I like to hear my name whispered in my ear, and this time he said “oh Ann…I love you”.
It’s not causing me pain. But it being so nice admittedly is a disincentive to ending it. But I will. He knows he can’t be intimate with his wife and me at the same time. They aren’t having sex, he’s not sleeping over at the house (and yes I know I’m drawing too fine a distinction), and we know there’s an expiry date on all of this.
The next morning I gave him some clothes he’d left at my place. He borrowed another coffee mug and made a George Costanza joke.
I knew I’d see him at least once more.
[Image from the movie “My Favorite Wife”]