i don't want to be alone

Let the eye rolling and flailing begin. My week at a glance.

Ferns, you’ve got to know I’m thinking of you with every word. And indeed, with some of these decisions I confess to thinking “oh gosh Ferns is gonna kill me from across the planet”.

Monday

Ian. Even before the Kyle bail, I’d been thinking about my summer plans and the things I wanted to do. I want some guys to spend time with and I got it in my head that Ian might be fun for some good nights. Other than that weird third date we had great nights together and good conversations. Not the easiest thing for me to find.

He had asked to keep in touch, so I sent him a text and said I was wondering if he’d be interested in getting together some of the times he’s in the city this summer.

He was thrilled and asked if I was free on Monday. It’s beautiful weather here so we are expecting a nice patio dinner and whatever strikes my fancy.

Tuesday

Drinks and dinner after work with a girlfriend.

Wednesday

Okay, I don’t want the lecture. I’m seeing Tony. He wants to give me some gifts he bought for me. I would like to receive them. I have stuff of his in my house to give back. But really it’s an opportunity to continue my long goodbye.

He’s moving back into the house with his formerly-ex-wife. He doesn’t know when but he’s committed to doing it. She’s given him a list of things she wants him to fix first before he does so – and when I pressed again trying to understand why, he sighed and said “Ann, that’s just how she is.” He told me he knows what he’s giving up. Both everything we have together and any potential for more. He’s broken and I’m sad for him.

I’ve told him we need to end our physical relationship, and he agrees. Right now I can’t imagine not having him in my life to some extent. We joked about how he wants to be able to take me for dinner and complain about how miserable he is and live vicariously through my happy life. There’s probably more truth to that then we’d like to admit.

But we both know any contact once he moves back will be difficult. I’m putting aside for a moment whether it’s even something I want with anything more than a yearly check in. He doesn’t know how it will work and I know just thinking about him doing some of the family things I envisioned being the one to do with him will be difficult.

My bet? We will see each other every few months, probably in secret, and it will be wonderful and connective and depressing. I will question whether it’s worth it and what I’m gaining from it.

It will eventually fade to nothing. Maybe 15 years from now or more he will come back to me just like my grandmothers boyfriend did with him. Maybe I will be happily married or maybe he will find me single and unhappy and I will welcome him gladly. I will be around age 56 when his son graduates from high school.

I don’t know, I can’t predict, and only time will tell. Like I said before, I don’t want a lecture.

Thursday

Lewis!! He was my “plus one” for a recent formal event I was invited to by a senior executive at my company. We had a wonderful time. A colleague thought he was my husband and I didn’t get a chance to correct her so it became a source of great amusement.

We made plans to see each other on Thursday.

A part of me still hopes there could be more with him – if only because it seems to make sense. We have good intellectual and physical chemistry and seem to be pretty compatible. But sex seems to be what we are all about, and since its great I will take it. And no, it doesn’t mean I’m constantly yearning for more.

Friday

No plans as yet. Maybe a night with someone I had one night with two years ago right before a two week vacation. We faded to nothing as I never followed up with him after I returned. If memory serves I was in the middle of being open-no-closed with Johnny Id and things were complicated enough.

I find it interesting that he’s been in touch every day since. Just a quick few texts, asking how my day was, that kind of thing. It’s precisely the kind of communication I’ve maintained is clever if you are interested in someone. It’s not clingy, not time consuming, not intrusive, but makes me feel his interest.

Smart man. I don’t actually remember much about the night with him because I never wrote about it. I ended up having sex with him but I wasn’t my most discriminating at that point in my life.

He’s an interesting partial distraction. Maybe nothing will come of it or maybe I will be pleasantly surprised.

Saturday

I’m taking a girlfriend to dinner and the symphony.

Sunday

I get my kid back.

38 thoughts on “Let the eye rolling and flailing begin. My week at a glance.

  1. Yeesh. The only really worthwhile male I see in that lineup is your son. That those are the men from which you have to choose to spend time with these days is kind of depressing I must say. I don’t know whether that’s a commentary on your choices, the sorry state of modern dating, or some combination thereof.

    All I can muster for this one is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

    • These are my choices and I can always change my mind! Ian and I had a good time, Lewis is great for a few things. Won’t discuss Tony because that’s a whole other thing. This doesn’t depress me… Dating does in general these days but my nights this week will be fun, low drama, and low stress… And that was exactly my goal.

    • I wouldn’t say I’m happy, but I’m okay. I know I should just say “yay I’m fine to sit at home every night” but in the face of Kyle’s rejection, which I’m taking extraordinarily hard, I knew this plan was better than what I’d end up doing otherwise.

  2. So glad your son is home soon – I’m sure you’ve missed him. No eye rolls here, because nothing sounds terribly stressful or breathlessly anticipatory either. Just chill times with friends and dates-to-nowhere-special that may be very nice and lots of fun with expectations set properly.

    • It’s all rather blah, yes. Although the sex with Lewis is always breathtaking lol… But emotionally absent. And you’re right. I’m not stressing and I’m not anticipatory. I know this is filling an emotional hole at the moment but I’m okay with that. It’s not my my usual MO (I don’t think!!) and I’m trying to my give myself too hard of a time about it, while also not going further down the rabbit hole.

  3. OK, I will go out on the limb and represent the eye rollers. Ian? Really? The man who treated you poorly when you made extraordinary efforts to be with him? He’s not worthy of you, but you would rather be with him than alone.

    Then we have Tony, the charismatic man who has more baggage than the Hook during busy season. You two are co-dependent, leaning on each other so you don’t feel so lonely. He is married, living arrangements aside, he has not filed for divorce and will not. He is unavailable in so many ways. Let him go. That means NO communication, ever.

    Lewis is a fuck buddy. You were fortunate he behaved well at a work event, but do you really want those two worlds colliding? That seems risky to me.

    Dearest Ann, I have been reading with little to no comments the past couple of weeks, but I have been thinking about you quite a bit. As the mighty Shakespeare said, “the lady doth protest too much”. You ARE afraid of being alone. You don’t like to eat alone, the prospect of a Friday at home depresses you (or at least makes you think you are missing out while the rest of the world is out having fun). My list of evidence goes on, but you are a smart woman who is in denial that she would rather accept less from a man than what she deserves so you aren’t alone.

    We both were in long-term marriages so we are accustomed to that other person in our lives — good, bad or indifferent. I realized it in myself. I LIKE having a man to take care of — its my default setting. You like having the communication of someone in this huge world who recognizes you for all your wonderful qualities. But unfortunately, you are still needing to search.

    I suggest that you figure out some activity with or without your son where you meet new people face to face. Volunteer, explore new hobbies, find a group activity you & Liam can enjoy with others, whatever. Expand and stretch your social circle because it will keep you occupied and it increases the potential of you crossing paths with the right guy. Get off the online dating sites – let’s face it, your profile has been seen by many and perhaps it’s time for it to have a long (6 months or more) sabbatical.

    I know this all sounds perhaps a bit harsh and perhaps a bucket of ice cold water, I just hope you know it comes from a place of friendship and respect. You deserve a good man who loves you with respect and honesty. Your current cast of characters don’t. Toss them out and start afresh.

    With much love, Maggie

    • Hey Maggie – thank you for your feedback… There are a couple of things I wanted to clarify first. I don’t like to eat dinners OUT alone, but I do it! I eat alone plenty of times, most nights every other week, and I enjoy and need my solitude. And you’re right, I like to be busy on the weekends… But not because I have fear of missing out. I like to maximize my life in all ways – I’m content to be with friends or family. But I like to be doing *something*. I had 15 years of not being social and I’m admittedly very focussed on reversing that. But it’s not just about men.
      With regard to the dating sites… I was only active on the sites for a few months last year, given I was in relationships with Fox and Tony, and since Jan was on one for literally two weeks in January, if that, and then only on one for a week or so between Feb-May. How is that not a break? I happened to meet Ian and Kyle pretty quickly.
      But to your main point – I’m not in denial at all… I believe I openly admitted I would rather have a man around. I guess how much to my detriment can be debated. And there’s no question in my mind that going back to my proverbial archives is a reaction to moving away from Tony and to Kyle’s rejection. 100%! This isn’t something I’m proud of at all.
      Oh and Lewis? It wasn’t risky at all. I don’t write much about what we do, but he and I are in the same industry. He’s a respected senior professional. We have overlapping professional networks. I knew exactly what I was doing in inviting him – I wanted to have a date that night and he was actually a perfect candidate.
      And I know your feedback comes from a good place, and I appreciate it and take it to heart. xoxo

  4. I do have just a little advice for your date with Ian. Make sure you are in a good position at the “end”. You won’t be crushed that way!
    Oh, and pack your ear plugs!
    Those things are not deal breakers?

What do you think?