Doug the sailor is being set adrift

I don’t regret many of the men I’ve had sex with. Certainly not that many in the last three years; just one. Unfortunately I have to add Doug to the list, I’m afraid. It’s not a strong regret but simply – it was sex I could have done without.

Doug is being set adrift.

After our first date, I knew there wasn’t long-term potential. There were too many divergent interests, attitudes, and behaviors. But he was fun and I could see perhaps spending a few rowdy nights hanging out on his boat.Β 

When we texted earlier this week to find a time to see each other again, he said he was working Friday night. I presumed this meant he was unavailable. I had plans Monday (and yes, am getting to that post) through Wednesday but was free Thursday and Friday. But on Thursday Doug suggested I come to his boat – he was working but could see me on his “lunch” in the late evening and then would be done at 10.

It was supposed to be roasting hot in the city so I figured why not. I had meetings all afternoon but would drive out there later and spend the night. Turned out my meetings got cancelled or moved so I ended up being free much earlier. We talked about what food to make for dinner; I brought a few things and had a plan to go to a close grocery store when he went back to work. I had to join some meetings but could do them from the boat with my phone and laptop.

It was a perfect plan.

The afternoon wasn’t bad. I nursed a beer (alcohol and work don’t mix) and took my calls and Doug hung out. When it got too hot, we laid down in the 70s shag-carpet filled “bedroom” and he put his leg against my underwear and a hand down my bra, playing with my nipples, at precisely the worst time – 15 minutes before a conference call. But it was fun to tease.

Shortly after I took my last call he had to go into work. He was on a night shift. We finalized a shopping list and off he went. I finished the work I had to do and wandered out of the marina and across the street to the grocery store. It is maybe 5 minutes away. When I came back I was surprised to see Doug on the dock talking to one of his friends.

He’d worked a total of 8 minutes and was done for the day. Don’t get me started on that topic. What it meant was, instead of having a couple of hours to sit, drink a cold beer, and catch up on my reading (and writing), I had no quiet time. But with someone I like that would be no issue, right?

Well, that’s when our date started to go downhill. Yes, this is going to sound like a litany of complaints. The good things? He cooked the chicken really well. He is taking care of his sick mother. He complimented me on the salad I made. He sounds like a good boss. He got more wine for me twice when I asked. He grabbed a chair for me so I could hang out my the grill while he made dinner. He liked the playlist I put on. He made me cum from oral and squirt several times.

Unfortunately, that was about it.

He had asked me to get a specific spice which I couldn’t find. I’d texted him about it but he didn’t respond. When I showed up with two bags of groceries, but no spice, not only did he not say thank you, he gave me a ribbing about not being able to find it and didn’t offer to carry the bags to the boat. Impolite.

He smoked a lot this time around. The first date, he went a few hours between cigarettes although the frequency picked up as he got drunker.

He wasn’t affectionate at all. There was barely any kissing. No taking advantage of a lazy late afternoon to snog in the boat. He didn’t introduce me to the new people I met on the dock (a few I’d met the week before).

He made me slightly uncomfortable with his sexual perception of me. He told me he’d read my sex answers again on OK Cupid. Fine. He’d asked me to bring sex toys. Fine. When he told me why, I was not fine. Turns out I answered a question about being okay with masturbating in front of someone. Which I am, in the right circumstances. But Doug thought I’d be happy to masturbate in front of him, like putting on a show. Um…nope.

He also made a joke about me fucking my personal trainer, which I thought was crass. I can be super dirty, but I don’t like crass. And on a second date for a guy to make jokes about me fucking other men? Doesn’t sit right with me.

He will never drive into the city to meet me. He HATES the city and doesn’t understand how I can live there.

What he likes to do is drive to his boat, smoke, drink too much, hang out on the dock with his dock friends. Repeat every weekend. That’s it. He doesn’t even take the boat out.

I knew that last bit after our first date, but I was okay with it as long as all I wanted was a few fun nights on the water.

But wait. There was more.

Before he went to work, he had consumed 3-4 beers. While it was over the span of a few hours, that’s not cool with me. Because he had to drive, and then he had to work. When he came back, he drank non-stop. I like to drink, and I enjoy being tipsy, but I don’t pound alcohol until I pass out.

We had sex after dinner. He made me squirt over and over which was a pleasant surprise since he has a smaller-than-average penis.

He got drunker. I didn’t. At one point he started to rant about bad drivers, saying all the bad drivers he encounters are immigrants. I challenged him until I realized there was no point. He actually used the term “Paki” which made my skin crawl. He then ranted that he wasn’t a racist because it was a “fact”.

I went to bed shortly after. There was no canoodling which was just as well because I was thoroughly turned off by that point. It was a confined space so I knew sleep was going to be a challenge. He told me he always goes to sleep with the tv on and I asked if he minded not doing that. He obliged after grumbling for a bit. He fell asleep no problem.

I had a hard time sleeping. At 2am he woke up and ate leftovers, which woke me up. It’s a tiny space so I don’t blame him necessarily for waking me up, but since I knew he was drunk it was annoying. He told me he ate some “weird food” which didn’t taste good. It was a wheel of Brie, cold right out of the fridge, which I had bought. I groggily explained it would taste better at room temperature.

At 4 am he turned on the television which woke me up. He said he was having trouble sleeping. When I said it was too bright he told me to turn the other way. I debated going home right then.

The next morning when he roused I asked if he’d gotten a good night sleep. He said no, because I snored. I felt terrible and was also embarrassed. I apologized and he seemed to have zero clue that making someone feel bad for something like that was ungentlemanly and rude.

He doesn’t drink coffee or eat breakfast. When we discussed it the night before, he suggested I could go to the coffee shop beside the grocery store. It wasn’t far, but he didn’t offer to go get it for me.

When it was clear to me he wasn’t getting up nor making any move for morning sex (which was FINE), I got dressed, packed up my stuff, making damn sure I didn’t leave anything behind, and went to get breakfast and a coffee.

When I came back I ate my breakfast sandwich while he dozed. When I finished he woke up and I told him I was leaving. He offered to walk me to my car. At first I said “no, that’s fine, stay there” but he went anyway. He didn’t offer to carry my bags.

I got a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I got into my car, put my latte in the cup holder, rolled down the windows, put on my sunglasses and tunes, and drove quickly back to the city I love.

I didn’t look back.

59 thoughts on “Doug the sailor is being set adrift

  1. Wow. Super fail. Personally, you stayed longer than I would have, I think I would have left before going to bed, and even if I’d stayed longer than that, when he turned on the TV at 4 and told you to turn the other way, I’d have packed up my stuff and went home at that point. Or after getting breakfast and coffee, I certainly wouldn’t have gone back to the boat. There were so many points in time where I’d have left and you didn’t… I guess you must have more patience than I do. I’m glad you didn’t look back though. You have so much to look forward to, it’s a waste to look back. NEXT!!!

  2. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” a wise man used to tell me. You ventured a little, gained……….at least a few squirts, and the knowledge to look elsewhere.
    NEXT!!!

  3. “He’d worked a total of 8 minutes and was done for the day.”

    Ahh, yes—THAT realm of unionized employ. πŸ˜‰

    Find myself most curious, Ms. St. Vincent, for your personal delineation between “dirty” and “crass.” Or, might it (perfectly resonably) be a descendant of United States Supreme Court Associate Justice Potter Stewart’s 1964 “I know it when I see it” definition of pornography?

  4. It’s a general rule of thumb, but it tends to work very well–anyone past a certain age who has never been married (and doubly so for never married and no kids) tends to be a very red flag relationship-wise. Ah well, live and learn.

    • I agree which is why I don’t date anyone who hasn’t been in long term relationships – Doug had a 10 year and 8 year just didn’t believe in getting married, so that wasn’t a red flag for me.

        • I look at it in two ways. At my age (early 40s), if someone hasn’t been in a relationship longer than 5-10 years, I wonder why. They don’t have to have been married necessarily. But I certainly read a profile to see if there’s some reason for it (some people have been in the military, or traveling for work, that kind of thing).

          • i think im gonna write a post about why its ok to be 42 and never married (which is me)…now 50, i can understand where u are coming from, but 40, I just don’t agree. I spent most of my 30s with the same boyfriend and i could have gotten married to this guy and be divorced by now, but that didn’t happen…and i think that’s pretty darn smart of me.

          • I would agree Lisa. I agree with Josh but only if married is defined as long term relationship. I look for whether someone has put up with a person for more than a few years. That to me says something. But marriage itself? Not particularly.

          • Well, as I said Lisa I’m not saying it’s an out of the gate dealbreaker, but something that in my experience has been reason for at least preliminary caution, and usually will be revealed to be justified or not fairly early on by that person’s personality and behavior (as we saw with Doug the Sailor).

            I should also point out that this rule of thumb seems to be more applicable to men than it is to women, as research has shown that a man who has never been married by 40 is likely to remain single for the rest of his life. With women it can be a little more of a tossup, probably because women tend to be better at things like communication, compromise and other qualities necessary for a successful committed LTR.

            But as Ann said, if someone has had at least a >5 year relationship (which for me has to include living with someone), then that may be adequate to demonstrate that they have acquired the skill sets necessary to sustain a successful committed long term relationship. But again, whether that’s the case or not will likely reveal itself pretty early on, and you can usually spot the “confirmed bachelor” or “bachelorette” fairly quickly.

  5. Yuck! What an inconsiderate oaf! Sounds much like a jerk I met (but thankfully never slept with) not too long back. Party, party and treat women like one of the boys. Ummm… NO!

  6. And this is why I will never date again and will accept my fate as a cat-lady nun (with fun sex toys… I aint giving up on my orgasms).

    Men. Just whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy must they suck so much? and not the good kind of sexy sucking, the sucky sucking.

What do you think?