A gorgeous Saturday afternoon, nothing but my thoughts.

Of course that’s not true; I’m with a girlfriend, her parents, and our three collective children. We are, quite literally, in the middle of nowhere. It’s been a night and day of sun, water, swimming, laughs, music, day drinking, and snacks.

I haven’t had any stories I’ve had the time to make a whole blog post but I thought I’d catch up on a few things (and people).

Work has been super busy. Evenings after putting Liam to bed, weekend monitoring of emails, and the like. We are really close to a big deadline and while it’s not gone super smoothly, so far the problems are all manageable. I was brought in to save it and I really hope I prove to have done so.

I saw Jake this week, he came over late one night, we shared a bottle of wine and this time talked a lot more, and kissed a lot more, before I took him upstairs. He’s a good lover, that one. Each time it gets better. He has a way about him and a sensuality I quite appreciate, which brings out the best in me.

Tony has been away for work for a few weeks which is just as well. We have seen each other just a couple of times since I found out about him deciding to move back. It’s been good to have enforced silence (even though he’s somewhat accessible, given his and my work load there has been a dramatic decrease in communication). He told me he wonders every day if he’s made a mistake. But I can’t get sucked into that misery, nor seduced by any lack of progress on his part. My focus has been elsewhere and that’s perfectly fine.

I hadn’t heard from Doug since last Friday night’s date – I uncharacteristically didn’t send a “thank you” text after I left the next morning. I didn’t block him because it doesn’t make a difference to me to do so. I find blocking extreme and unless someone is aggressively pursuing me despite my asking them to cease, there’s no reason to do so. So I did laugh when on Friday he sent me a “hey Ann have a great weekend” text to which I just said “thanks, same to you.”

I have no intention of seeing him again.

I haven’t heard from Lewis after he said thank you for me being the “hostess with the mostess” after our fivesome. I can’t help but think his unusual silence is because Vicky said something to him about me liking him. But as soon as I type that I think it sounds ridiculous and realize I have no idea why he’s been quiet. I haven’t reached out proactively yet. I might at some point but am trying to resist doing so. He generally comes back.

I heard from Ian recently, out of the blue. I deleted our text message history (after saving it to my computer, naturally) so I couldn’t see his name in my message history reminding me I hadn’t heard from him – which of course was fine but I still don’t want the reminder. So he called me. Wanted to chat, which we did. Was bored at work in my city and I think was hankering for an invitation, which didn’t come. It’s funny to me how despite knowing I don’t particularly care to see him, it takes deliberate effort to not say by rote “oh you’re free? Why don’t you come over?”

But I held my tongue.

I’ve been talking to someone I met via this blog who sends me the most lovely sentiments and texts. I find it so incredible when someone has read all of my innermost thoughts and knows about all of my adventures and not only likes me, but really likes me? Wow.

I’ve been on Bumble and OK Cupid infrequently and there’s not much to say other than nothing has changed on those sites. Very few men with potential and nothing, literally nobody worth really writing about yet. One guy has been fantastic via text; but he’s in the military so is away a lot, and is three inches shorter. I’d like to meet him given how great the conversations have been. I’m hoping to at least have a coffee and see what it’s like. Either way maybe I’ll write a bit about him (the good) and some of the others (the bad) I’ve experienced.

I’ve been in a shit ton of trouble with my ex husband over the last few weeks. He was apoplectic I put a picture on Instagram of me and Liam – who was in shadow. He got angry because I taped a conversation I had with Liam about his first hand holding experience. I just wanted to capture the moment and Will went off about how I was violating Liam’s trust. There’s been more, and it’s so unpleasant. It’s not about whether I’m wrong or not, it’s just how he is when he’s angry. Within 30 seconds I can feel all of the stress from my marriage again. Ugh.

I have Liam more than usual the next couple of weeks. I have three nights kid-free then have him again for 11 days. I have a date set on Tuesday and I’m not going to talk about it until it happens. Because it might not and I don’t want to spend any more time than I might already thinking about it.

30 thoughts on “A gorgeous Saturday afternoon, nothing but my thoughts.

  1. It’s good to read that life goes on for you even out of the bedroom. 😉 We(I) appreciate hearing from you even when nothing NEW and exiting is happening.

    Does Tony have to make decisions in his professional life? I ask because he sure is indecisive(doesn’t seem like a strong enough word) in his personal life. I feel like I could shake him and yell, “Do something, even if it’s wrong!” As my wise(ass) father used to say, “Hey Buddy, shit or get off the pot!” I hope you get clarity from him sometime soon.

    • I have clarity from him – he’s said he’s moving back. The fact he hasn’t been able to make that happen yet isn’t really my issue. I am moving on, although I know he will be a part of my life in some way for a while (even if very minor).

  2. You know what I like about this post? You sound relaxed, calm and in a positive frame of mind. You could have been all stressed out due to work & the Ex stuff, but you sound fine and are letting things roll off your back.

    I would suggest thinking about ways to meet guys offline. After all, Match says 25% of all couples meet online, so how the heck did the other 75% meet?!

    Enjoy your vacation – it sounds lovely.

    • I’m pretty stressed but I think I have a relatively fast recovery time.
      And I am totally thinking about meeting guys offline. I’m not all that worried about meeting someone or not, at the moment. I have little actual free time over the next few weeks – which is perfectly fine – meaning I think I have only a couple of nights free for a date anyway! Everyone I know who has met someone after a split has met them online. I don’t think there’s an issue with online at all – I could have met tons of men they just wouldn’t be the right ones for me. I’m okay being picky. I’d rather not waste my time.

  3. And life goes on. I totally relate to that 30 seconds and back to that old stress. In my case, my ex was abusive and above that, he knows all my buttons. It’s always disheartening when I’m catapulted back.

    • I feel for you there. Mine is still trying really hard to get to me. Sometimes it takes a little while before I realize it’s what he’s doing and manage to shift my reaction. But slowly I let it get to me less and less. It’s still hard, but at least it reminds me often of why I left!
      Hopefully we all (Ann, you and me) get to distance ourselves from their reactions…

  4. “I find it so incredible when someone has read all of my innermost thoughts and knows about all of my adventures and…really likes me?”

    Powerful intellect. Scrupulous honesty–most especially with self. Passion. Integrity. Style. Daring. Empathy. Intrepid curiosity. Impeccably good manners. Three-hundred-sixty degree sense of humor. A true existential gourmand. At least one captivating blue eye.

  5. Isn’t it interesting how those old, negative feelings from a past marriage can come up again? I recently had an experience where my ex royally screwed up on a household “improvement” task at my place – hiring some incompetent contractors because he didn’t bother to check references, alienating people who could help with the problem they made because he always thinks he knows better than anyone else, and refusing to hire qualified individuals to fix the issue because he would rather save money by doing it himself. Then he had to leave for a week on a conference, leaving me and the kids who are still living at home sweltering in 100+ degree heat (which was extremely frustrating, because had he not decided to “upgrade” we would have been fine and this had now been going on for over a month already)!

    I reached out to a friend in the business and he quoted me a fair price and came to fix it. But when he got there, he found that the damage the original contractors and my ex had done was much more extensive than he had realized. He asked me to make a decision – he could either repair what had been done (which I knew my ex didn’t want) or replace the whole thing (which my ex DID want – but didn’t want to spend the money to do), but it would take at least a week more. I made the call to repair the damage – even though it wouldn’t look pretty – and have a cool house. But, my GOD! The stress that immediately set in!!

    I knew how my ex was going to react when he found out and it took me right back to that place, where I felt I had to appease him and jump through hoops to manage his anger – always worried about how he would react and respond. Even though logically I knew I shouldn’t care about what he thought or how angry he was (because he left ME holding the bag) – I still responded in that same old way. Nothing like that to make a person feel like all the years of work she has done to become more confident, independent, centered, and healthy were all for naught!

    PS – I did tell him when he got back and immediately felt the stress disappear – and in the end, I’m thankful the situation happened, because it really pointed out to me that any romanticized notions I might have about the possibility of perhaps “trying again” one day were just that. I don’t ever want to be with this man (or any man) who stresses me out to that extent (and yes, I know it was ME who allowed myself to be stressed – but you know what I mean).

    • Yes, I completely know what you mean.
      Glad you were able to get things sorted to YOUR desire rather than be dependent on what HE wanted.
      With me, it was clear from the beginning that he was never even going to pretend he’d do something for me. In a way it made things easier, less of the manipulative ways, trying to show the world how good he is to me.

      But I realized it took me a while not to live my life according to his reactions. I still do to some extent, not letting it known I have met someone, or not applying for some jobs because of things he did that devalue me in the eyes of management. Sigh!

      Good luck Jana. It’s a long road, but we’ll make it 🙂

    • I totally feel this. You brought tears to my eyes – it’s been over 5 years but I still find my subconscious “reacting” to what I can expect from him. These days it’s only over the kids and decisions made there, but it’s so disheartening whenever I catch myself feeling/doing that.

      • I’m sorry I made you tear up.
        I want to say don’t be disheartened when you feel/do ‘that’. At least now you can see it by yourself, realize it. That’s Progress! The rest will come in due time 🙂

    • I can totally relate to that story. Sometimes I do dumb shit and sometimes it’s all him but my issue is I never know what I’m going to get. Sometimes he’s great and other times he’s awful and that stress just sucks. It’s also hard to recognize any progress he might be making as well because I’m so conditioned to expect him to be a certain way. No matter what I’m so happy I don’t have to live with it every day.

  6. I too just spent a gorgeous weekend with friends and family. It’s good for the soul, that simple, quiet ‘being together’.
    Glad you had such a day to refill your bucket!

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