Three quick things

My gut was more right than I thought. Those days away for “work” when he could mysteriously not talk to me? Tony was on vacation with his “ex” wife and child. 

Pretty sure the only reason he confessed was because I called him on his bullshit.

In theory I may see him tonight so he can tell me all this to my face. 

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I’ve not heard from Ian since the Happy Mother’s Day text.

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I went on another first date. Coffee, within 48 hours of first contact. He’s communicative. Very tall – 6’8″. Real job. Confirmed our second date as we said goodbye. Kiss on the cheek. 

Can honestly say if not for the latter I would be even deeper in a spiral of anger.

32 thoughts on “Three quick things

  1. Forget about Tony, he may never be ready for you. I mean, he’s nice to have as a friend, if you can make i work, but as more?
    You also know that he learnt to lie to make life easier on him, that’s part of who he is, at least for now, so… why get angry? Why do you let it get to you?
    (I know, easier said than done, why do I let my ex get to me, still?)

    As for Ian? Same thing, don’t worry about him. He’s not ready for the awesomeness that you are 🙂

    Now… tell me more about the last guy, I’m all ears… 😀

      • I know Ann. That’s why I said: lying is the only way he knows how to get by, something he learnt probably as a child, so he could survive (at least emotionally). Every time he does something that he thinks will either make someone feel sad or angry, or every time he feels ashamed at what he does, he’ll lie. It’s his coping mechanism.
        I’m not saying it’s a good one, nor that you should accept it, but you have to accept that it is a part of Tony that probably will never change.
        So either you accept that about him, and take it with humour, or you can’t and you let go of the man.
        There is no need to get angry. 🙂
        That’s all I was trying to say.
        And yes, it is MUCH easier to see and say this from an ocean away 😉
        XO

        • Please don’t negate my anger over this. A man who says I’m his best friend, the only person he talks to every day (and wants to), who he’s shared more than anything else. Etc etc.
          I understand his intentions and why he would do what he does – but my problem is the past was then denying my own feelings in response. I have a right to be very very angry. Doesn’t mean I don’t understand how and why this happened.

          • Oh, I am not negating your feelings. Not at all.
            You are entitled to feel any way you do, as we all are.

            What I’m asking I guess is more “What is this anger bringing you?”

            Anger is a powerful feeling and I see it as possibly leading to two things. Destruction (of things if you are a thrower, people if you’re a puncher, yourself if you bury it), or a force of change.

            If your anger doesn’t bring you any positive, then it’s time to wonder why you allow yourself to keep feeling it.
            The way I see your choice (and I may be missing other options, I welcome them, could probably use them myself one day or the other!) is either you accept Tony as he is, accept that lying is his coping mechanism, and stop getting angry at him when he does, or you don’t accept him as he is, in which case no matter what he says about you being his best friend… you have to let go and save yourself before that anger destroys you.

            You can’t change him. The only thing you can change here is how you respond to his actions. *That* is YOUR choice. And yours alone.

            I hope that with this I am making myself a little clearer, and that you understand that this comes from the place of someone who is, herself, still working hard at not letting other people get to her as much, particularly a certain ^#%@# who almost had her shutting down her blog 😉

            Hugs Ann!
            XO

            Oh! And I’m very glad that you realise you shouldn’t negate your feelings. It is an important step, one that often takes a long time to reach. I’m not sure I’m completely there yet, and I’ve been in a therapy of sorts for more almost 20 years now.

          • This is very hot off the press Dawn, just found out in the last 12 hours, so while I don’t harbor anger for a long time for all the reasons you mention, I have to allow myself to feel it and not bury it. I have accepted him as he is but feel there’s little foundation of a true deep friendship if there isn’t honesty.

          • I understand Ann. As I said, not negating your feeling is a very good first step 🙂
            However, I don’t think you can say you’ve accepted him if it makes you feel angry.
            You rationalise it, you can’t stand it, but you haven’t accepted it. 🙂
            It sounds like your idea of a friendship is different from his idea of a friendship.
            I guess his point of view is that there are things that aren’t important to your relationship, and/or that could hurt you or him if you knew about it, and he doesn’t see the point of sharing it with you.
            You feel the need to know everything.

            Or maybe it’s a difference in communication. Maybe he thinks that if you ask him a question, he has to answer, and if he thinks the answer will displease you, then he’ll give you an answer because he thinks that’s what you want, but he’ll lie because he’s not ready to share this with you.
            And maybe you would prefer he doesn’t tell you anything if he’s not ready to share?
            Maybe it’s a matter of not asking questions you wouldn’t like an answer to, or that would make him uncomfortable answering?

            To be clear, I’m thinking as I write, particularly about Mike and how *that* relationship is going to pan out, what I’m willing to do for it, not willing to stand and so on.

            What defines a friendship? What is necessary for one? What can I live without? Can I live without answers to certain questions? Or will that make me feel like I’m being used? I’m not sure yet 🙂

  2. The people I have deep friendships with – and the majority of them are women – lie like rugs and worst than my close male friends. No one should ever lie, of course, and while lies can cause problems, sometimes, the truth can be fatal in a situation where a fatality isn’t desired.

    My Linda has a major hissy fit whenever someone lies to her and even if she thinks she’s being lied to… but she lies to folks without even thinking about it; she’s even lied to me and I’ve just let her know that I know she lied and then call her a hypocrite for always demanding the truth from everyone else but feeling justified in doing the one thing she says she can’t stand in others.

    Does it really change anything? No, because she never lies about the serious stuff, which is good… but the fact of the matter is that people lie and for reasons that only makes sense to them. I don’t know a single person who has never lied about anything – and I know a lot of people. People go to court and swear to tell,the truth and nothing but the truth and lie their asses off anyway.

    Has anyone ever asked you what’s wrong and you’ve replied, “Nothing…” when the truth is there is something wrong? That’s a lie, isn’t it? I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate having your ass jumped in for that bit of untruthfulness, would you? But I’m also sure you could easily explain and justify why you said “Nothing…” instead of saying what was wrong – but we all can so don’t think I’m picking on you in any way.

    Linda will ask me that and I’ll tell her, “Nothing…” faster than I can blink even though it’s a lie but it’s really a matter of me not wanting to talk about whatever’s bothering me more than a deliberate act of malicious deception. And depending who you ask, I didn’t tell one lie – I told two of them, the other being a lie of omission which, actually, I think is bullshit but that’s me.

    It’s okay to get angry when lied to but as Dawn asked, what do you gain from going all hissy and maybe even demanding a truth that you’re probably not gonna believe or like anyway?

    People are funny; we always want the truth and most of the time – and as the famous movie line goes, we can’t handle the truth. My late paternal grandfather said it best: If you REALLY don’t want to know, don’t ask and if you don’t have to ask, they won’t have to potentially lie to you.

    But if you REALLY wanna know, yep, you just might get lied to…

  3. Butterflies come and go, but the gut is always right (I made that up myself 😉 ) My first instinct was to ask why you’d be surprised at Tony’s lie – but that wouldn’t be fair since it’s not what’s at the root of your anger. The friendship you have – and him saying you’re his best friend, etc – is now called into question. Still – if he lies to his (ex)wife, then surely he lies elsewhere in his life. When trust is taken away, it’s really difficult to get it back – and even if you do, will you always wonder about other lies? I loved the Tony chapters, but if it were me, I’d cut him loose once and for all. He’s dredged up a lot of emotions in you over how long? It’s not healthy for you.

  4. Sorry about this Ann. Tony strikes as a man with a whole lot of issues to work out. Wouldn’t it be nice if you met these fellows AFTER they had worked out all their garbage?

  5. Oh Ann … how disappointing about Tony. I am so sorry it has come to this point yet again. The only thing I can imagine at this point is that he is someone who compartmentalizes his life to such a degree it is simpler and more efficient for him to lie to maintain that structure. It’s probably not even all that personal, merely expedient and easier for him.

  6. I have to comment on the whole Tony thing. You’re upset because he’s lied to you (again), and because that shouldn’t happen in “friendships”.

    The problem is you and he are not, nor were ever actually friends. The fact that you (were) are in love with him, and the trajectory of your relationship together meant that it was always going to be much more complicated than “just friends”.

    That doesn’t necessarily excuse his lying, but you need to recognize once and for all what he is and what he isn’t.

    • It shouldn’t happen in love and absolutely I’m in love with him. What’s frustrating and hurtful is its so obvious to me that there’s no friendship here either if he can’t be honest with me about actually taking steps to maybe get back with her. Sure I wouldn’t be happy if he’d told me but I know its a choice he could make and I would support him if he finally got off his ass and moved something forward.

      • Right, but you have to understand that he knows you’re in love with him, and because of that he feels compelled to hide stuff about his goings on with his ex from you. That’s why you are not and can never be friends.

        You also have to understand that this is Tony being who he’s always been–someone who chooses the path of least conflict. And that means lying, either by omission or outright. He’s done it before, he’s doing it now, and he’ll do it again.

        This is who and what he is. He’s not going to change. You must know this. Therefore, to be angry with him for acting in accordance with his nature is like being angry with a snake for acting like a snake. It’s in their nature to act as they do, therefore getting angry at them for acting in their nature becomes your problem, not theirs. And as long as you choose to remain in this relational limbo with him–neither fish nor fowl–it will continue to be your problem, not his.

  7. Tony lies. It’s his defense mechanism, it’s his coping mechanism. His lying does not speak to any part of his relationship with you, his love for you or lack of it. It is how he does things. I suppose (just guessing here) he doesn’t lie to people he could care less about. I suspect Tony is not the man he wants to be or the man anyone needs him to be, so he pretends. He doesn’t do it for you or for anyone. He does it for himself. It makes him feel better and he will do it until he is either the man he wants to be or at peace with the man he is. I hope this helps. Your acceptance effects the friendship in his eyes too.

  8. Ann, I don’t have much more to add that has not already been said. But I do feel your pain. 🙁
    You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but if I were you, this next time you see him, keep your clothes on. Don’t reward his bad behavior!
    HUGS!!! XO!

    • I agree that you should not reward Tony for his lies. Withholding sex(affection) does not have to be punitive, but a natural reaction to a loss of trust. He MUST be made to accept that there are consequences. PERIOD!

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