As I wrote yesterday, I find it very challenging to accept that extended periods of silence (as defined by me) do not equate to disinterest.
It goes against almost every other experience I’ve had with men so far, and it’s diametrically opposed to how I operate. I’m an open and enthusiastic communicator. I think nothing of telling a man I’m excited to see him, when I am. If I like you, you’ll know it.
I don’t play it cool very well. But here’s the problem – on the receiving end, how can the man know the difference between appropriate enthusiasm after a second date, and a woman who has gotten far ahead of herself on the relationship path?
I guess I am the type of person who doesn’t hold back. I reserve the right to change my mind as I learn more about a person. With the man I went away on the weekend trip with in February, until that point I had matched some of his enthusiasm for me – then reached my limit and had to retreat.
Maybe it’s not the best risk-based approach. I put myself out there and then have to retreat. It also means if someone is deliberately tempering their behavior because it’s only a second or third date, I tend to project what that behavior would mean if it was me.
If I don’t respond to your text for 12 hours, there’s a reason. If I don’t tell you I’m excited to see you tomorrow, it’s because I’m not.
I’ve maintained for a long time that ascribing motivation to someone else’s behavior is fraught with danger. But it’s so much harder to not actually do it.
Kyle responded to me around lunch time that he was still in meetings (a three hour flight away) and would let me know once he knew what flight he’d be on. He said definitely he if got back in time, he would see me. He said he hoped I was having a good day.
Pretending I hadn’t leapt at my phone when I saw the text was from him, I played it cool and managed to wait an entire hour before responding back that it sounded fine and anything after 9pm worked for me.
He responded a half an hour later saying he would text me when he landed.
I discovered rather by accident that Bumble live updates your location, rather precisely. I had gone to Kyle’s profile to show a curious friend. It showed the city he was traveling to that day.
Several hours later, when I’d heard nothing but it was after the time his plane would have landed, now I was curious. Bumble showed he was at our airport.
No text. While I knew he was unlikely to literally text me the moment he landed, enough time passed that the knot in my stomach grew. I checked Bumble again. He was home.
I focused on my son and told myself I would hear from Kyle shortly. There was nothing to indicate he wasn’t interested.
Hours later when he still hadn’t texted, I was steaming mad and very confused. I texted my girlfriends for moral support.
What the actual fuck.
By 10pm I knew I’d been stood up. I would have to go back to my posts, but I think it was a first. Several men have disappeared on me but I can’t recall being in this situation before. A part of my brain told me perhaps he just fell asleep – I knew he’d been busy all week and likely tired. Another part told me that was bullshit. And while I sat on my balcony enjoying the beautiful weather, drinking soda water, simultaneously angry and hurt and sad, Tony called.
Oh, Tony. He was the perfect salve for my injury.
At 6am the next morning, I succumbed to my baser instincts and sent Kyle a brief text, knowing it was futile: “no explanation?”
Three hours later he responded: “I didn’t get home till 1030pm as everything was delayed”
That was it. No sorry, nothing. Worse yet, it was a lie.