the tall man bailed

Third time’s a…total bail – WTF?!

As I wrote yesterday, I find it very challenging to accept that extended periods of silence (as defined by me) do not equate to disinterest.

It goes against almost every other experience I’ve had with men so far, and it’s diametrically opposed to how I operate. I’m an open and enthusiastic communicator. I think nothing of telling a man I’m excited to see him, when I am. If I like you, you’ll know it.

I don’t play it cool very well. But here’s the problem – on the receiving end, how can the man know the difference between appropriate enthusiasm after a second date, and a woman who has gotten far ahead of herself on the relationship path?

I guess I am the type of person who doesn’t hold back. I reserve the right to change my mind as I learn more about a person. With the man I went away on the weekend trip with in February, until that point I had matched some of his enthusiasm for me – then reached my limit and had to retreat.

Maybe it’s not the best risk-based approach. I put myself out there and then have to retreat. It also means if someone is deliberately tempering their behavior because it’s only a second or third date, I tend to project what that behavior would mean if it was me.

If I don’t respond to your text for 12 hours, there’s a reason. If I don’t tell you I’m excited to see you tomorrow, it’s because I’m not.

I’ve maintained for a long time that ascribing motivation to someone else’s behavior is fraught with danger. But it’s so much harder to not actually do it.

Kyle responded to me around lunch time that he was still in meetings (a three hour flight away) and would let me know once he knew what flight he’d be on. He said definitely he if got back in time, he would see me. He said he hoped I was having a good day.

Pretending I hadn’t leapt at my phone when I saw the text was from him, I played it cool and managed to wait an entire hour before responding back that it sounded fine and anything after 9pm worked for me.

He responded a half an hour later saying he would text me when he landed.

::

I discovered rather by accident that Bumble live updates your location, rather precisely. I had gone to Kyle’s profile to show a curious friend. It showed the city he was traveling to that day.

Several hours later, when I’d heard nothing but it was after the time his plane would have landed, now I was curious. Bumble showed he was at our airport.

No text. While I knew he was unlikely to literally text me the moment he landed, enough time passed that the knot in my stomach grew. I checked Bumble again. He was home.

I focused on my son and told myself I would hear from Kyle shortly. There was nothing to indicate he wasn’t interested.

Hours later when he still hadn’t texted, I was steaming mad and very confused. I texted my girlfriends for moral support.

What the actual fuck.

By 10pm I knew I’d been stood up. I would have to go back to my posts, but I think it was a first. Several men have disappeared on me but I can’t recall being in this situation before. A part of my brain told me perhaps he just fell asleep – I knew he’d been busy all week and likely tired. Another part told me that was bullshit. And while I sat on my balcony enjoying the beautiful weather, drinking soda water, simultaneously angry and hurt and sad, Tony called.

Oh, Tony. He was the perfect salve for my injury.

At 6am the next morning, I succumbed to my baser instincts and sent Kyle a brief text, knowing it was futile: “no explanation?”

Three hours later he responded: “I didn’t get home till 1030pm as everything was delayed”

That was it. No sorry, nothing. Worse yet, it was a lie.

101 thoughts on “Third time’s a…total bail – WTF?!

  1. Oh man. It’s a week for guys standing girls up with no explanation. It gets tiresome. I’m curious how you responded to his lie? That’s an automatic disqualification in my book. If you can’t at least honor your promises, explain your actions honestly.

    • I had some coaching from my Mom and decided to not say what I really wanted to. I chose to say something along the lines of “too bad you got delayed would have appreciated knowing” and ended with a laurel leaf just in case he had some magic response. So far he hasn’t responded and he’s added a new picture to his Bumble profile.

  2. Sorry to hear this! I have no understanding whatsoever for people who can not at least be polite and say “Sorry, changed my mind..”. In my book it is just plain rude to keep people waiting and guessing.
    And he had to lie, too oh noes…. πŸ™
    Take care. πŸ’œ

      • I understand… it is similar to the situation with Tony. πŸ™
        I am surprised at how many “liars” there seems to be, skulking around out there in the dating scene…

        So sorry that this happened. I have a feeling you will bounce back very fast though. πŸ™‚ 🌸

        • Thank you… I do try to bounce back. I often do.

          And yes, I don’t understand the lies. I think people just don’t understand that often the truth is kinder than silence. I don’t think everyone intends to be assholes, but we aren’t given the language of modern dating and how to let someone down easily.

  3. Oh Ann, sorry!
    I would much prefer someone who told me “Sorry, I got home late, would have been bad company. I should have called.” than someone who doesn’t say a thing and just… ugh!
    Oh well… onwards! (I know it’s much easier said than done).

    Hugs. Huge hugs.
    XO

  4. Funny that a lot of what you were writing is what I was telling myself with the situation wtih G recently. He’s just not a texter, etc. But outright lying? Ugh. I’m sorry hon. :/

    • Thanks Holly. I’ve tried a few times to think of an explanation – as in, he’s not lying – but I can’t. What could possibly have been so bad? Forgetting another date he committed to? Diaharrea?

  5. I, to, thought he was probably tied and fell asleep. But then not to say sorry, fell asleep, whatever, but to lie; what an asshole. You’re better off knowing this early on than later once you’ve gotten attached to him.

      • I don’t know why “likes” don’t show up for everyone – seems specific to a few browsers. And the inability to edit is true of any blog… But I can always edit for you if there’s something really wrong πŸ™‚

    • Right, that was exactly the thought. Although he’d given me a heads up he may be delayed, I figure once he knew he was delayed he should have texted as such. He could even have told me once he arrived here, or got home. So many options to communicate. None were proactive.

  6. I want to think the best….at least for your sake. But I think it’s his loss not to explore a future with our ASV!

  7. Guys who do this infuriate me too! I don’t understand why some are so terrible about letting us know what’s up. I’ve had some tell me they feel like a jerk by saying they can keep plans made and then have to let me down by cancelling. So then they don’t say anything at all and pull what Kyle did. Don’t they know we’d much rather be let down than to be left hanging? And they say us women are hard to figure out! Phhhhhhtttthppptt!

    • It makes me mental… It seems so obvious to me that going silent is NOT the right answer. Even if it was because he had other plans, or someone else caught his fancy, or he just didn’t feel like it. Jeez, just tell me. I have my big girl panties on 99% of the time.

  8. I think I would have waited til he contacted me and then blew him off OR stood him up but I’m spiteful lol

    I hope you replied with a screenshot of bumble (I totally would have taken one) with an arrow showing him that time table and a big fat liar in the middle but I’m psycho like that lol

    • I’m not good at waiting for someone to contact me… It just burns in my brain, especially when I doubt I will ever hear from them again. So I often don’t wait. I know I should… But then again, I’m a bit out of practice with this. Hasn’t happened in a long while.

      I did take screen shots and was sorely tempted, but as you will read from my next post, I took some advice from my Mom to not go on the attack.

  9. So disappointing. What the actual fuck? This happened to me with someone in my 20s, and I continued to date him for months afterward. I should have heeded that first red flag. Nevertheless, I’m still pissed for you.

      • Well, we went to high school together, so I knew him already. He was very attentive early on (with the exception of that standing up incident – and we didn’t have cell phones in those days!)… but months later it was like hide and seek with him – it was hot but he was noncommittal – I never really knew where I stood with him and then one night at a club together this girl we knew was staring him down like a hawk, and I just knew. I had to walk away. It wasn’t easy, but I had to, to save my dignity.

        • I don’t know if I could have foreseen how it would turn out from that first incident, but honestly in retrospect I think I should have known that if I was important enough he would’ve shown up. Or at least have a good excuse (he didn’t).

  10. I read stories like this and I’m shocked how rude people can be. Honestly, I always blamed women more for this kind of shit, but it obviously works both ways. I can only imagine the kick in the gut it must have been seeing his location on that app and then get nothing.

    • I couldn’t believe people did this when it first started happening to me. I’m sure both men and women do it… And I know some of it happens before you’ve met someone because most are talking to many people and you just drop a conversation when one person rises to the top. But the guys who just disappear after apparently great dates? I was staggered.
      I have never done this to anyone, it just seems so cruel. Although I also assume people care that I would go silent.

      • I’m certain everyone of those guys regrets their behavior. How could they not?! Ghosting Ann St. Vincent. Wtf were they thinking?

        You must be made of something pretty strong, because I know I’d be wrecked by the experience.

        • I’m not sure they regret their behavior… to regret it, they would need to value the other person and know what they did is wrong. I don’t see that happening. But seriously, how could they not see my awesomeness? Lol… I’m not wrecked by the experience but this one has really bothered me. I hope you’re not wrecked by it because it seems to happen to everyone.

  11. Sadly this is indicative of the larger problem and patterns in modern dating, which is the subject of a much more in depth dissertation. The bottom line is as discussed before, he’s not “Fuck yes” about you, so it’s a no. That’s all you need to know. Next.

    • Josh this really made me smile. As often happens, I like stuff and get it all twisted. Ok, so it’s not “hell yeah”, but Ann I stand by “hell no”.

  12. Yikes…and then there’s that moment where you’re caught between a rock and a hard place on whether to call him out (and thereby admit you were doing some checking), or to let it ride with him thinking he’s clever. Been there :-/

  13. To quote the wise Queen Bey, “Middle fingers up, wave ’em in his face …. Tell ’em Boy, Bye. Boy, bye!”
    This guy sounds inconsiderate as all hell and probably just saved you from dealing with all kinds of shitty behavior.

    Boy, bye!

  14. Wow, this sucks. It is so disappointing. It’s also so strange that we now have all of these means of stalking other people (ie, your Bumble tracking device). How would you have reacted to him had you not kept such close tabs to him and let him be? I know that is moot, because once we have condemning information, we can’t un-learn it.

    • (Lest you think I may be questioning what you did, know that I have time and time again asked the internet for information on someone that they haven’t knowingly consented to give. I know this pain too well. We do it out of deep frustration that the person in question isn’t being clear, communicative, and direct with us. We seek out Pandora’s Box, and we open it, and often, the information we gain is as unsettling as it is clarifying)

    • Actually I think it’s strange that people sign up to anything, allow it to track and share that information with everybody and then cry stalking. In my world, being stood up without a word, qualifies as a Boy bye :). The rest of it is irrelevant.

      • I went and checked the privacy settings on that app. It says it only tracks your location when you are using it… But I suspect unless you close it on your phone it remains active in the background.

    • I would still have been very pissed that he said he may be delayed and then never sent any email. Even if I believed the delay story, I think he should have let me know the moment he knew he wasn’t going to be able to see me that night.

  15. :(((

    “A part of my brain told me perhaps he just fell asleep – I knew he’d been busy all week and likely tired. Another part told me that was bullshit.”

    It doesn’t matter if that’s true or not. Not one bit. He had PLENTY of opportunities to let you know what was up, and he CHOSE to let you sit around and wait for him to grace you with his generous attention. Fuck that shit.

    Don’t look for excuses for the dude. Don’t accept excuses when he inevitably comes up with them. And you know he will, right?

    “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” <= This Maya Angelou quote is so frigging good.

    Sucks so bad and I'm so very sorry.

    Ferns

    • I feel ridiculous replying to myself, but I can’t get that idea out of my head that you’re like ‘perhaps he fell asleep’ AS IF THAT’S A THING. Like he’s a 3 year old who literally just falls asleep with no self awareness that he’s….. zzzzzzzzz….

      It’s just… ludicrous!

      Ferns

        • Yeah, I get it :/.

          Today I’m meeting someone who bailed the night before our first meet. I am giving a second chance, which is rare given my brain goes straight to ‘aw hell no STFU with your lame excuses arsehole!’

          I’ve NEVER given a second chance. I guess I’ll soon see if it was a mistake or not.

          Ferns

  16. The evil part of me says “turn the tables and do the same thing to him”. My sensible part says, “don’t waste any further time or energy on him”.

    The good (albeit shitty) news is you found out early. Ugh.

  17. I cannot understand the lie. I mean, is that somehow better that being straightforward and truthful, i.e., travel is kicking my ass and I’d rather we get together another night? Having just had similar situations befall me with close friends (lying about stupid shit that in the bigger picture does not matter at all), I feel it with you. I am so sorry, Ann, but being this much of a shit about communication with you this early is a huge red flag.

    • I just don’t understand it either… I really didn’t get the sense he is a bad guy. My puzzle loving brain is turning it over and over to try to make sense of it. I know I shouldn’t bother.

  18. Sorry to read this post. Are you sure about this Bumble location thing? I sure as hell wouldn’t have That feature activated. But even if he didn’t get home till 10:30, he could have called or texted you to tell you he wasn’t coming to meet, at some point before that.

    • Unfortunately to use Bumble you need to have it activated since it finds people based on location. BUT I think unless you actually close the app it continues to update in the background. I suspect that’s the issue.

  19. Ann!! Are you in there? I’m getting worried about you! Say something! I’ll dance in my tutu if you do!!!

  20. Thanks Again!! Kyle may have acted like a jerk, but you ASV are a classy lady!
    Btw- The contact me page won’t let me send a pic either. This might be a wise thing in general, but it is keeping me from making a point!!

  21. There’s ghosting, then there’s bullshit. He’s chosen to show no respect – chosen. You deserve better and are used to better. What happens next – your choice – is up to you. I’d move on.

What do you think?