I don't know what to make of our third date

My third date with three of the seven dwarfs

To start at the beginning of the story with Ian, click here. For my previous post, click here.

When I arrived back in my city, I sent him a text to let him know. We exchanged four text messages that day….none of which were him saying anything close to “hey thanks for last night I had a great time.”

Fine.

The next morning I sent him the following:ย “Good morning handsome ๐Ÿ™‚ The nightgown I was wearing last night smelled like you and it made me smile…”

What did I get in return, three hours later?ย “Hey good morning to you. Not as nice and sunny when you were here yesterday!”

Sigh.

And before y’all get up in my face telling me I shouldn’t expect more, I know this. Why on earth a man would think it wise to say just one small something about having a good time,ย orย thinking the woman who drove a total of 4.5 hours just to have a date with him is a fine specimen, or looking forward to seeing her again… I know. It’s crazy.

^^ By the way, if anyone has an idea for a sarcasm font, let me know. I need it for the paragraph above.

With his truck still out of commission for a week, and knowing our child schedules didn’t align, it was going to be two full weeks before I could see him again unless I was willing to drive to him. We had talked about it – he said he knew it couldn’t happen unless I was willing.

I was willing. I also didn’t want to push myself on him. His pace and style of communication told me he needed to take it slow. I chose to believe his intentions were good, that he meant what he said and he was interested.

The shitty thing about dating is it’s practically impossible to distinguish between someone who likes you but is being chill about it, and someone who’s disinterested. The texting and communication can look exactly the same. It’s all about the context.

Knowing all this, and deliberately choosing the non-cynical path (although it was there with the trail markers clearly visible), I texted the following midday on Sunday:ย “Would you want to see me tonight if I could make it work? Not sure if that’s too much for you?”

It’s important for me to be with someone who can stick up for what they need. I would have understood had he said he needed to get some stuff done before Monday, or just needed some time to himself. But instead, two hours later, he repliedย “It would be great to see you. That’s a bunch of driving for you this weekend?”

We established I was fine to drive, and I was.

Now, I’m going to do something a little different in this post and try to just give you the facts of what happened, without any editorializing. It definitely won’t be my best writing, but I don’t want to lead all my witnesses. I will save my interpretations and thoughts for the next post, and I’d like to hear what you make of him.

::

I showed up at 7:15, he greeted me with a kiss and we didn’t take it farther. He asked if I was hungry and when I said yes, he seductively said “for what?”…and I said I was hungry for lots of things but if I was left unfed I would probably not be too pleasant for anything else.

He picked a restaurant and told me I needed to drive because he’d already had three beers.

I drove to a local restaurant that he picked. The waitress was the girlfriend of one of his friends. He didn’t introduce me but we chatted with her off and on about things other than our order.

He drank another two beers during dinner. I had one glass of wine.

We talked a lot about relationships during dinner. His ex-wife was the one that ended the marriage, she was with another man (in their house, he thinks) before things ended. It was ugly and they don’t have a good post-divorce relationship.

He dated another woman for 18 months, once they started to integrate their families it stopped working. They broke up first in January, got back together, then finally broke it off for good in February. Their children are in the same class, it’s a small town, so he still sees her. They’ve had coffee once since their breakup.

Dinner was amazing, and the conversation flowed just like the first two dates.

I drove us back to his place. We made out for about a minute, pressed up against a wall, and nothing progressed.

He drank two more beers while I nursed a second glass of wine. We sat on his couch and watched the end of a big sporting event. At a break, I sat on top of him, kissing him. It didn’t go further so I sat back down next to him.

He watched the after-show commentary. I watched the clock progress towards 11pm.

He seemed really tired, so I asked him if he was and he said yes. We went right to bed, no sex, just a goodnight kiss. He was sleeping, snoring, not 5 minutes later. I got a moderately better amount of sleep this time.

We woke up at 6am to the sunrise, which was beautiful, then both fell back asleep. He put his arm around me and his head in the crook of my neck.

An hour later we both woke up. He got up to go to the bathroom and fussed around in his kitchen for a bit. He came back to bed and we had sex. It wasn’t as good as last time, but it was good.

Right after he came, he dozed off, on top of me. Again. When I shifted my body to get more comfortable he woke up, hopped up and took a shower. I asked him whether he didn’t like to smell like sex and he said something along the lines of “oh its easier this way.”

He made coffee and breakfast while I lounged in bed a bit longer.

I told him I could either get in the car and go home and take my work calls from the car, or hang out there for a few hours and take my calls from his house. He said he would like to have me around.

He went to the couch and turned on his television. We watched Game of Thrones. No kissing, nothing physical at all.

He made himself scarce while I set up my computer and got on the phone. He was cleaning up his deck, then I didn’t see him at all. I had to get something from my car and I saw he was in his truck on his phone.

He came back a while later and we spent a few minutes outside. He said he wasn’t feeling well and was going to take a walk. I asked if there was anything I could do. He said no. I asked if he wanted me to join him and he said no, he was okay, he was just going to walk to the river and back.

I packed up my things and loaded my car. Did a bit of work.

When he came back, maybe 20 minutes later, we sat outside facing the lake. Well, he sat and I stood next to him. I told him I felt like I should leave, and that I didn’t know him well enough to know if he told me he wanted me to hang out because he thought that’s what I wanted to hear. He said “no, no, it’s not that, I just don’t feel well. Sorry.”

We said goodbye shortly after. When I got home I textedย “Just got home; thanks for a great dinner last night. I hope you are feeling better soon.”

His response?ย “Just woke up from a nap. Feeling better thanks.”ย And that’s all we said to each other that day.

The next morning (Tuesday) he sent a good morning text and we had a brief text exchange. That night I sent him a picture of the view I had at the sporting event I was at. Another brief text exchange.

Wednesday morning I sent a good morning text. Again we had a brief exchange. Then later I saidย “So what are your thoughts on getting together again? I know it just may be your style and normal pace do definitely don’t want to misinterpret, but I’m not getting a particularly keen vibe? Maybe you can call after the kids are asleep.”

He called me later that night and made no mention of my text. I finally said “well I suppose since you called me you are interested in getting together again” and he concurred and we set a date for 10 days later, the first time his truck would be fixed and neither of us would have our kids. He said “do you want me to come downtown” and I said “yes, absolutely, after all I did drive over 8 hours this past weekend to see you” to which he said “yeah, of course…that’s great.”

Since then, up until today, we have not talked on the phone. A few texts each day here and there. Nothing romantic or flirty. Transactional checking in type stuff.

He sent me a Happy Mothers Day text (Tony hasn’t, for what it’s worth).

So now, 1,600 words later, we are up to date. Hope I didn’t put you to sleep and you’re awake enough to tell me what you think.

~~

Oh, in case you wonder what the dwarfs reference was? Hy categorized Ian as “Sleepy, Barfy, TV-Watchy”. I needed the smile, and the phrase stuck.

83 thoughts on “My third date with three of the seven dwarfs

  1. First of all: I think you are very brave to date like you are doing, I am living my dating life vicariously through your blog and Madeline’s. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    But, about this Ian fellow… I don’t know. For me, personally, he would be too “slow” and I would start doubting his interest in me, given his sort of “lazy” communication style. Perhaps he has his reasons for that, but still. I would want to see that a man made more of an effort, to communicate to me that he really is very interested…. but that is just me, just my 2 cents. Perhaps that is why I don’t really date currently. I would handle this type of situation rather poorly… ๐Ÿ˜‰ I would probably flee, or sit him down to talk things over about his communication style… Best of luck!

    • I find if you try to talk about communication expectations it comes across as needy or too demanding. So you kinda have to suck it up. And it’s hard to know the difference between ambivalence and someone playing it cool. So frustrating to be left guessing about things!

      I guess it’s brave, I didn’t really think about it that way until people started to say that here. I suppose I have the resilience to keep going, but it’s not easy sometimes.

  2. What’s wrong with these fucktards? They haven’t a clue on how to romance a woman. I love how men take five years to reply to a text. Pisses me off like nobody’s business, it really makes u feel like a priority.

    • I do think that’s a huge part of it – if you are actually interested in someone then romancing them is good!! It’s by the same as being overbearing, doesn’t mean you’re assuming you’re going to get married, but it’s okay to pursue someone a bit. I don’t expect an immediate response but the stuff with Ian was ridiculous.

  3. Remember a few entries back when I mentioned that Mark Manson article, “Fuck Yes or No”? There’s nothing about this guy that is him saying “Fuck yes” about you.

    His behavior while you were with him sounded like the behavior of a couple that had maybe been together for 20 years, not one that was on a third date. If that’s the level of passion and interest he’s displaying this early on, and particularly when you made that much effort to drive out to see him, can you imagine what it would be after you’ve been together for 6 months? No bueno.

    He mentioned early on when you asked if this was a rebound and he said he didn’t know. It’s starting to sound more like it is. It’s certainly not the behavior of someone who is enthusiastic and passionate about the time he’s spending with you, and is definitely low effort on his part.

    And the thing that clinches it for me is the amount of time it takes him to respond to your texts, if he does at all. I can understand us men not being proactive in starting text convos, but if a person proactively texts me, damn it I’m going to text them back right away or if I’m in the middle of something the first available moment I have. In this day and age when we all have our phones with us 24/7 there’s just no excuse and it’s plain rude.

    Everything adds up to the fact that he is not “Fuck yes” about you, therefore it’s a no.

      • I don’t know about crazy for each other. I haven’t had the best experiences. Sometimes going a little slower is better. However, he doesn’t seem to be showing any interest. You can go slow and still show interest.

        • Oh for sure, I don’t mean over the top and don’t over yourself emotionally. I’ve had it and it means someone is probably in love with the idea of you or love and it’s not about you specifically. But when you are at a dudes house and you’ve already broken the sex seal, and apparently there’s an equal kind of libido at play…. It should be hard to keep your hands off each other.

  4. Okay… First, I like the pic you used. Second, now I really think this guy is an idiot. Tepid Text after the first time you went to visit. Drinking that much, before you get there (thinking more of himself), drinking that much during and after dinner so he’s ready to sleep (see above). I should know, I used to do that and fucked up a lot of relationships, one I regret to this day.

    When does he take the initiative in this relationship?

    • Thank you Elliott! I’m sorry to hear you fucked up a relationship you regret. Regret is a terrible emotion. Part of me wondered whether he’s just clueless about how to woo a woman.

  5. What Josh said ๐Ÿ™‚
    The drinking thing is a big no-no for me, so that part already pissed me off. But I recognise this is my experience talking and understand it may be different for you.
    I’d say a guy who can’t be bothered one way or another isn’t keen enough for you to want to make an effort, really. So… I’d stop texting for a while and wait for him to make the first move. See if he ever does. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck Ann, the right guy is waiting somewhere for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Well I could see that he had perhaps nursed three beers hanging outside in the afternoon, but then to keep drinking seemed odd especially when I wasn’t pacing with him. He and I definitely are not aligned on expectations of wooing and communication.

  6. I’m just gonna not comment about the texting. But, let’s see:

    1/Three beers before you got there…not a good sign. And then the more beers after that? Come on, dude.

    2/Not introducing you to the waitress…suspect.

    3/Way too much talking about the exes, in too much detail (at least y’all didn’t get into discussion of their sex lives…I hope), I can’t for the life of me understand why people do that or think it’s necessary. Let the past stay the past. Focus on the present and future. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

    4/No sex that night. Come on, dude.

    5/Him falling asleep right after sex again makes me think is some involuntary physical reaction? IIRC last time was at night, but this time it was in the morning after already sleeping, so his orgasms must be so powerful it knocks him out? I’ll admit it’s kinda funny that it keeps happening with him on top of you and you to scoot out from under him. I guess the natural solution is that if you’re planning to have sex with him again, you should start getting used to the cowgirl position, so he can be on his back when he falls asleep and you can just easily climb off.

    6/The overall apparent lack of enthusiasm on his part…

    Honestly, I don’t see a future here.

    • I wasn’t too worried about the waitress thing, he’d introduced me to lots of other people. The exes talk was okay for me, but it all depends on what (and how) one talks about them! But #4? RIGHT?!
      The lack of enthusiasm is what got me. It just ultimately didn’t seem like he gave a shit whether I was around.

  7. I actually think he likes you, Ann, but his behavior is screaming rebound. It does sound like there was some heavy-duty stuff going on with him before and during your date – that much drinking, the disappearing, the phone calls in his truck. That in itself is so odd I cannot really imagine what he was thinking. I work at home about 50% of the time and my DH (together 25+ years) tends to want to hang with me even if he is otherwise engaged in his own pursuits. End results is he interrupts and distracts me constantly until I engage the nuclear option and close the office door. At that point DH knows that if he interrupts me, something had better be on fire or bleeding or that fate may befall him.

    The lack of communication after the date – I think the apathy could be more about where he is in the journey of meeting new potential romantic interests than about you, the woman he has now had 3 dates with. Sorry this is such an ongoing struggle.

    • Thank you Janelle. I think he likes me too, that’s what my gut was telling me.
      You’re pretty wise, when I write my next post about him you’ll see why I say so… You were on to something in your comment!!

  8. I agree with most people here. Nice guy. He’s giving you what he’s got. If this persists, and you find yourself chronically dissatisfied, you likely can’t change him. That would be like expecting McDonalds to gussy up their menu because you know they could serve better food – they won’t. Their formula works for many other people. That doesn’t mean that you should accept McDonalds, either. Ride it out until you get sick of the commute? Glad you haven’t entered exclusivity discussions with him yet. (Would you be bothered if he was dating others? Doesn’t sound like he is, but would it bother you at this point?)

    • I don’t like the ambivalence, but I’m okay with a reasonable pace. There’s no way I would have an exclusivity conversation with him after 3 dates, I don’t want it and it’s way too early. And I fully expected he is dating others, just like I am. Definitely wouldn’t bother me.

  9. I don’t usually contribute to the comments but generally do read. From my perspective, is this guy a keeper? I would say no. I sense that you know this and feel sad. For me, I agree, he has so much going for him but for some reason he isn’t ready for a relationship. You should walk away xxx

    • Thanks Julie – the first couple of dates were great other than some mismatch in communication frequency expectations. But the ambivalence he was demonstrating really threw me… It was a marked difference than what we experienced before. There weren’t red flags before that point.

  10. I have been swamped so apologies for being MIA. Dump him, Ann. You are trying too hard and he isn’t trying enough. 7 beers with a lady guest — loser. I read your shit storm and my heart goes out to you. I was thinking about my single pre-Hunter life this morning. I don’t envy you, but you deserve better. ((Hugs))

  11. I think it was pretty rude of him to expect you to drive to dinner after you drove so long to see him! And then just watching TV after dinner is not great. It’s very lame that he doesn’t express his enthusiasm about you over text! And even when he did call, he didn’t say he wanted to see you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like he is that interested. ๐Ÿ™

    • He didn’t expect me to drive, he was happy that I did but I was the one to offer and was happy to do it. Not after dinner however when all the weirdness started… But yes, that ambivalence? Not for me ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Is it wrong that this makes me laugh after his ‘SEX TEN TIMES A DAY LADY, HURR HURR!’ response to your ‘how often do you like it’ question?

    Even if I’m REALLY kind and guess that something is going on with him, the fact that he let you drive for 2 hours to come and see him when he wasn’t in the right headspace, then refused to be honest about what was going on with him when you asked is a big fat ‘nope’.

    If it’s this much one-sided hard work and dissatisfaction in the first couple of weeks, it’s not suddenly going to turn into some awesome-amazing-affectionate-fuck-fest as the relationship settles.

    You’re throwing energy into an Ian-shaped void. This sounds familiar except this time it’s *really* early on so you can easily walk away.

    So yeah, DTMFA.

    Ferns

    • I decided it would have been unkind to say “hmm seems like you don’t want to fuck like I do” at that moment, but it crossed my mind!!

      Definitely not into one sided and I decided to just see where things went over the next 10 days and if it was an anomaly. In between Tony updates I’m trying to write the rest!!

  13. Need to drive because he’s all ready had 3 beers…that ain’t cool. There’s something heavy on his mind cause you just don’t take a walk alone when you have a hot date over unless something’s going on…it could be too early in the relationship for him to feel comfortable opening up to you. So do you have the patience and the desire to get to know him more?? If not, move on. If so, take another month and see what happens…

  14. His lack of texting is bothersome. I’ve been sort of seeing someone, but I usually text first every few days. Which, hey, a girl can text first. And he always responds right away. He just doesn’t text first very much. And with that, it just seems like a lack of interest.

    But taking hours to respond? Or ignoring what was said? That’d frustrate me, a lot. Not so sure he’d be worth the effort. But then when you’re hanging out and everything is great- maybe the lack of texting is okay. And then it’s not okay because you want to hear from him. And if he’s really into you, he will get his phone out and text more.

    He does sound nice though.

  15. You know I was going to say, after your last date, that he sounds like you’re an old married couple. Hopefully he’s not just moving at a snail’s pace on the dating thing, but I get the distinct impression after this post that he’s “just not that into” you. And you’re an amazing catch and don’t need to be chasing some dude who isn’t totally hot into you. He’s acting “too old” for you. He should have been all over you when you came to see him again. And – WTF – falling asleep immediately after sex??!!

  16. I can tell you right now, based on your history that this guy is a dud. Even if he was just feeling poorly on your last date, he doesn’t have the spark you’re looking for. He’s an ordinary dude, who is conflicted about relationships. Ordinary dude = poor communication and intimacy. Conflicted = drinking lots of beer, discreet phone calls and no sex. Any guy who passes up sex with a willing woman like yourself has his head in a very different game.

    I hate to say it. But because you know what you want, and you’re not looking to settle, you’re ultimately going to have to search a little no time to find your ideal guy. A tall, good looking, articulate, communicative, attentive (but not overly so) well hung, high sex drive guy, who is also kinky and open to your full range of desires? That’s a custom order right there! Lol I think the guy is out there, but man, he won’t be easy to spot. Ian isn’t him though.

  17. Ha! I liked totallycaroline’s use of the word fucktard. I’m not sure I’d be that strong, but something is definitely off with this guy. You clearly don’t seem completely comfortable with his…I don’t know, flow? His vibe? His energy? And that falling asleep immediately after is weird. Try having sex with him standing up just to see if he falls to the floor.

  18. Sounds like a nice enough guy, but c’mon. Either he’s on the rebound or he’s already positioned you as a wife/long-term partner in his head, which I guess is kind of reboundy (totally a word!). Regardless, sounds like you’re already kind of bored with him and that probably won’t get better.

  19. Ugh friggin Ian.

    He’s just way too detached! I think you need another dwarf, spacey.
    Maybe this is a clue that he’s not fully engaged to be in a relationship again.

    What a waste – also whil I read through your last two posts, I thought to myself, I HATE people who are just not responsive and it always seems like you’re bothering them and texting them.

    This helps me, it helped me make a decision on what I need to do as well with a personal situation.

    Cheers

    • Unresponsive is a big irritant for me; it’s not like I’m texting all the time. I do understand when you have kids response times are slower but I will usually say “hey am with my kid will get back to you later.” World of difference!

  20. Too bad Seinfeld isnt on anymore. Part 1 especially, but also part two, would make for a great episode for Elaine. I can already picture her laying under some guy stuck with him snoring away after sex. Then being freezing in the middle of the night when she finally gets free. Dealing with the snoring, cold, and the need to pee…the too early remark when trying to get some in the morning, then driving back up for a second night, and not getting laid.

    Classic!

  21. Another Tony-type character. You certainly have a type. Why do I say this? The substance abuse -> self-control issues -> commitment-phobic.

    Now you know why I’ve tried not to jump into bed until after the third date. You don’t really know what you have relationship-wise until after the third date.

    Your message to him was grossly counter-productive. It was clingy. Sorry, but it was. You’ve done this before. Stop doing it. In the early days things are uncertain, demanding certainty aborts its arrival. Lesson learnt?

    • Not sure Ian is a Tony character at all. He’s got equal custody of his kids, he’s fully divorced, he’s had relationships post divorce, one was fully integrated. He’s not got self control issues… He had too many drinks on a date, I’ve done the same thing. I don’t know where you get commitment phobic, but he’s cautious, sure.
      You don’t always know after the third date either, some peoples crazy takes a while to come out.
      Which text did you think was “clingy”?? Asking him for his thoughts on getting together? I will certainly own demanding more communication than he is giving, but it wasn’t clingy. If anything it demonstrated a level of investment where I suppose I could just pretend to not care… But I’m tired of doing that. It’s a bullshit game.

  22. The wreckage from his past is a variable artefact. If he can’t control his drinking on an early date then worse lays in store. He knows he can get out of control, he fears it, he fears himself and ultimately anyone who loves him is deemed a fool.

    Your message came with a sledgehammer of pressure. It was too much, too soon. Chill in future, don’t rush it, most people are easily spooked in the early days.

  23. So, Iโ€™m the kind of person who likes less texting rather than more โ€“ so that part doesnโ€™t ring any alarms for me. However, I found it odd that after he disappeared to go sit in his truck to have a phone conversation that he would immediately need to be alone to take his walk and โ€œnot feel well.โ€ It has all the hallmarks of some drama going on with his ex (or someone else) and then he was so focused on that (perhaps angry, angsty, or feeling guilty) that he basically ignored you. Of course, odd behavior was also going on before the call. I would also have been confused and frustrated and perhaps even angry about driving so long and then being set on the back burner for so much of the time.

What do you think?