i didn't hesitate to tell Tony all my grievances

The wrath of Ann

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I have chronic shoulder and neck pain; have probably never mentioned it. It’s stress and posture related, and I was in agony that night. I opened a bottle of prosecco with a goal of getting a little drunk before he showed up. Feeling dramatic, I chose to make the cocktails we had on our first date. Prosecco, ginger liqueur, and orange curaçao. Gorgeous drink. It hurt emotionally to make it.

I wanted all the pain and anger to wash over me. I hadn’t ever really let it all out, I always let Tony’s intentions limit my responses to his actions. In other words, I’ve always told myself since he didn’t intend to hurt me, I could get over it. I have been ultra understanding and kind, this whole time.

But it would be the same thing as me saying HWSNBN’s behavior was okay because he loved me desperately. And I certainly didn’t allow it in that case.

A few readers commented I shouldn’t be angry, it’s a wasted emotion. Sorry but I said FUCK NO to that. My anger needed to be felt, I needed to let it flow through my veins like ice. When I’m very angry I get very cold; it’s pretty rare.

It wasn’t as though I hadn’t expressed anger and sadness to Tony before. He’d seen it and heard it. But not like this. You see, the last couple of months the only way I was able to see him was because I’d finally let go of the yearning to have him as my boyfriend or any future partner. As I said before, I realized I wasn’t sure if I caught the fish I would want it anyway.

I don’t think I’ve written much about it.

Anyway. He has provided more pleasure and comfort than pain. It’s been good.

I drank my drink, and when I was on my third I decided to do some self-therapy on my neck and shoulder. This involves lying on the floor with a softball (in this case) under the parts that hurt. I was still wearing a black dress from work that day, nylons removed.

Music. I needed a soundtrack. I love music and usually what I listen to is determined by my mood.

My choice? Beyoncé’s new album “Lemonade”. I was laying on my floor with a softball under my shoulder, listening to “Hold Up” over and over again, and drinking my third cocktail.

And that’s exactly how Tony found me when he let himself in.

He wasn’t sure what to make of me lying there, he asked if I was hurt and helped me up. I gave him a glass of water (his choice), he commented on my choice of drink, and we moved to the couch where we sat, facing each other, not touching.

And I let it all out.

I said absolutely everything in my head until my anger was spent. What did I say?

Well, pretty much everything. I used the word “fucking” a lot. As in, you’re a fucking liar. You’ve fucking strung both of us along for 18 months, and it’s fucking bullshit. If she believes your lies then maybe you fucking deserve each other. I can’t believe you fucking lied to my face over and over again. It is fucking bullshit that you didn’t plan for this, you could have fucking told me what was going on. I feel like a fucking idiot for not seeing your goddamn true colors two fucking months after we started dating when you fucking cheated on me. I have put forth so much emotional energy on this fucking relationship and this is what happens? I should have trusted my fucking gut which knew you were spewing bullshit about the trip. Here you are and you fucking lied to her about travelling with me and how it’s come full circle and you fucking lied to me about travelling with her. You’re a fucking cheater and you’re just going to back to her and fucking cheat on her again. I’ve become truly your fucking mistress and I fucking deserve better than that. I can’t fucking believe you think getting back together is better for your kid.

Get the gist?

I told him I felt hurt he didn’t trust me enough to tell me what was (fucking) going on. That of course I wasn’t going to be happy knowing he was going on vacation with her, but ultimately if he and I didn’t have a basis of truth about the path he was on, then what kind of relationship were we going to have?

I told him everything I needed to tell him. The anger was gone. All the resentment I was still carrying from his actions way back in Chapter One, last February, was gone.

What filled the anger was sadness.

I looked at this man on my couch and felt sorry for him. He wasn’t going to be happy, he’s sorely misguided about what’s best for his child, he’s going to go back to an unhappy marriage and never move forward. I’m far more significant to his life than he is to mine (and not to say he’s not important, it’s all a matter of degrees.)

I was so sad that here I was, almost 18 months after meeting him, and I’d gotten to a good place where he was a positive force in my life, secure and known, and he has to go fuck it up by lying to me.

I realized in that moment I had never really contemplated what would happen when he decided to move back. I had presumed it would be unlikely to happen any time soon, and I would probably find someone to date before then and Tony – at my choosing – would be relegated to an occasional phone call.

It was so goddamned arrogant, I suppose.

(Now he hasn’t moved in yet, so we can still take bets when it’s going to happen.)

Then I was overwhelmed with the loss of this love, the actual realization that – because I don’t want it and he can’t do it – there is no hope for us. I let go of the yearning, because I realized he is not the man for me in his current state. But it all really hit me in that moment.

I leaned forward and practically crawled into his lap, putting my arms around his. We stayed like that for several minutes.

Then I told him about a conversation I’d had with Liam just the night before. Liam, my sweet boy, who is in love with a girl in his class who he fears doesn’t love him back.

“Honey, that’s a problem that applies to being 8 years old or 42. But you know what, when you love someone? You have to put yourself out there and risk they won’t love you back.”

My voice cracked.

“Sometimes people don’t love you back, sweetheart, but loving them is amazing. Liam asked me who didn’t love me back, and I said you didn’t Tony, which is why now we are just friends.” I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

As I leaned into Tony’s shoulder, sobbing, he said “But Ann, of course I love you back. I always have.”

~~

The images in this series are from the Cary Grant movie “My Favorite Wife”

58 thoughts on “The wrath of Ann

  1. *hugs* this sucks,, but imho, let him go completely, while I don’t deny that there has been some good coming from this relationship, most of what I’ve seen (via posts) is not healthy for you Ann. You deserve better, you deserve honesty. I’m hoping you find it 🙂 *hugs*

  2. Oh Anne 😔 You are such an amazing woman, but now this has become really detrimental. Decide that you deserve more. Even if he is your friend, decide that you deserve better friends.

  3. Poor Tony doesn’t actually know what love looks like and how it behaves. All he knows is how to protect himself by lying and indecision.

    What he is really good at us playing to people’s sympathy and making it hard to let him go.

    I sincerely hope you didn’t reward his continued behavior of lies by sleeping with him yet again. It’s time to really let this guy go.

  4. NOW he says it?
    Sigh!
    Ok, I guess, to his credit, he didn’t say it because he knew he couldn’t give you what you needed.
    I’m glad you managed to let the anger out and all that.
    I’m sorry you are feeling sad.
    I guess it is always a difficult thing when you realise a relationship has come to an end. No matter what the relationship was.

    Good luck Ann.

      • Yes 🙂
        Which is one of the things that make relationships difficult.
        But you could have pointed out that it’s not just him being a guy, because some guys say it after only two dates 😉
        I think it’s him being himself, not feeling worthy possibly, or worried that you’d get hurt, or he’d get hurt…
        Reminds me of a certain someone. 🙂

  5. Glad that you were able to unleash what needed to be said. I only hope you weren’t swayed by his “love you” Hail Mary. After all, that’s his M.O. when he wants to keep having his cake and eat it too–say something he thinks will keep you on his line.

  6. Anger is a sign that something needs to change – a call to action, and if action isn’t taken, it can lead to resentment. Anger has value but it’s not a place to hang out. It sounds like this was cathartic for you, which is all to the good.

  7. Please tell me this did not lead to (I can’t type it). That’s what came to mind when you said you felt sorry for him. I know I have to wait for the next installment, but I hope not.
    And what’s this “I love you” bullshit just as he’s about to lose you forever!? It smells like manipulation!!! F**K TONY! Don’t let his deceit fool you!

    • I am okay, I felt better after getting all that anger and hurt out. I’d been holding on to some of it for too long. And now I am okay, truly okay, although mourning some things I’ve lost.

  8. “…he said “But Ann, of course I love you back. I always have.””

    I cannot eyeroll hard enough for this shit.

    Ferns

  9. 👆🏻 Ferns 😂

    I would fall for it which is why I am laughing at how strong Ferns (and Sassy and others) can be.

    Maybe by saying he loves you, you will really be able to find closure. For me it pulled me under though I only realize that in hindsight. For you I think it may give you the last piece to the puzzle to put it away for good

      • I’m so glad that you are getting it out of your system. Guys like this are so difficult for me to understand. I can’t wait to hear how you have gotten to the other side of this. I want you to know how much I learn from your journey.
        You are an awesome woman!!

  10. Something I’ve learnt is that anger is an emotion that needs to be felt and you shouldn’t be shamed or otherwise into not feeling it. Yes not the most pleasant of emotions, but forcing yourself to suppress it causes more damage.

    In regards to the sitch…. I just think you deserve respect and so much more.

    • Thanks NU, I agree. I think women in particular are generally expected to not have strong negative feelings. God forbid we have “drama”. So you’re right, there was so much anger that I never expressed with him, and felt so much better once I did.
      And with regards to the situation? You’re exactly right.

  11. This whole thing was hard to read. I feel like he told you he loved you just to keep you from pushing him out the door. That’s what you need to do, but that’s easier said than done.

    • I’m sorry if it was hard to read… I tried to be really honest about what was going on in my head. I may have inadvertently written it to sound like a “hail mary”, but it wasn’t like that in the moment. I did like he said it, it felt right to me, but ultimately didn’t change anything.

  12. This made me almost start to cry on the train. Which is not normal for me. I have no doubt Tony has always loved you. You’ve known he has for a long time. I’m glad he said so, because you deserve to hear it even if he has really poor timing. Too bad it doesn’t change what he’s capable of, which isn’t much.

    • Thank you. I had a hard time writing this one. And you’re right, he’s loved me for a long time and ultimately while it doesn’t change the outcome, I’m glad I heard it from him.

  13. This made me tear up a bit too.. but mostly the part when you talked to Liam about loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
    I know it’s easier said than done since you do have a genuine love and close friendship with this man, but you need to walk away… When you’re ready that is.

  14. I’ve always been a Tony fan, even when he’s screwed up. In part because I could see in your writing how strongly you felt about him and in part because I feel like I can identify with him.
    From all that you’ve said, the man isn’t malevolent or intentionally hurtful. When it’s good between the two of you it’s good. Of course when it’s bad, it’s obviously bad.
    It is no excuse, but I’m willing to bet that he had zero intention of trying to hurt you and was trying to please (or at least not hurt) you and his ex at the same time by lying, and very well may not have seen another option.
    Again, no excuse, just perspective. You’re a strong and independent woman who is living as your “authentic” and honest self. You have the strength and courage for that. I (and I think Tony) don’t have that strength, OR perhaps more accurately don’t feel that I have the agency to have that strength. Disappointing someone or hurting someone is lethal to me and I do my utmost to avoid it, even if that means sacrificing my own interests or happiness. And at times it leads me to lying to the people I love to avoid hurting them or making them uncomfortable. At times I feel cowardly, but most of the time I feel helpless, because I believe no one would value me enough to accept me as I really am, or what I want. The alternative is to please others, even if it means robbing the per revival Peter to pay Paul.
    Tony may want to have his cake and eat it too, but I’d sooner bet that he’s afraid not to do both. He loves you but feels an obligation to his wife and family. He’s really like to be with you, but feels that if his wife wants him back, that he has to make her happy in the name of his family. He lies to you about it because he doesn’t want to hurt or disappoint you, or at the very least doesn’t want your disapproval.
    No excuse, and you have every right to be angry and choose not to be with him. As always, I wish you luck finding the best way forward.

    • Very thoughtful comment and aligns to how I see everything. It’s difficult because I do understand why he is how he is, but at some point (now reached) I am not okay with the behaviour. It’s going to be difficult to let go of what remained of our relationship.

  15. It’s simple Ann. If you want to be in this situation in another 18 months time carry on doing what you’ve been doing during that time. If you want things to change to be different GET RID!

    • Jay, the “situation” with Tony since late Jan has been more of a FWB. I let go of wanting him as a boyfriend or future partner, as he is clearly not the right man for me. I knew that would shift somewhat if I met someone; I really didn’t think he’d be making progress forward. So I did make changes by breaking up with him in January, but it doesn’t mean this wasn’t a big disappointment for me.

  16. Oh Ann, you handled yourself well. You let it all out, and whether it registered in any significant way with him is irrelevant. You spoke your peace. I feel sorry for him too, for the very reasons you mentioned but also because he’s lost what could’ve been an amazing thing with you. It’s a shame how adults have to make things so complicated. Happiness and joy is a choice. Accepting unhappiness and the status quo is a choice. The way you ended this post, there’s more to come. I fear he may use that “always have” love for you to hold on.

  17. There is a reason we have anger as an emotion it strengthens us, blinds us, and burns away the bullshit for lack of better word. Never be afraid to feel it. It is only when we act out of anger that it is bad. The void that anger leaves behind, normally filled with sadness, it like the forest after a fire before the rains. Harsh and ugly but will regrow and for the better! Chin up my dear.

  18. Glad you got the anger out, & were able to voice it in his direction. I’m ridiculous, & hold it all back so as not to hurt feelings because I fall for damaged people…to my own detriment.
    I liked Tony…. but now I kinda just want to punch him for being so stupid with you. Dumb, dumb man….

  19. I knew it. You should have not been angry, you should have been furious. And, you should not have been drinking before this conversation. The pain in your neck (no pun intended) is from stress, and you would have a lot less if you decided what to do with this guy. You don’t need advice from me, but I would say cut him loose and move on or use him as a sex toy and forget all about anything remotely close to ‘love’.

  20. I believe he was being truthful. He has always loved you and that’s what probably scared him the most.

    Near the end of college, I had a Tony. We dated for two years. The break-up was long and drawn out and messy. A year later, despite him marrying a woman he got pregnant, we still talked regularly. When I told him I was moving hundreds of miles away, he cried and said he loved me. I absolutely believe he did. It changed nothing; I didn’t stay, he didn’t leave his wife. We held each, kissed and cried together. Those last I love yous were our goodbye and it closed the chapter on our relationship in a very positive way, which ultimately allowed me to move on in a way I couldn’t prior. I’ve never seen or spoken to him again.

    I hope that however this plays out for you, that his I love you will allow you look back on your time together with fondness. xx

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