suspected more deceit from Tony

That infectious little thing called doubt

If I try to hammer out 1,000 word posts (my usual) and not have any cliffhangers I think my head will explode. I’ll have too much building up in my brain without writing it down. The only way I’ll be able to update on Ian / Tony / new first date guy is to just write in smaller chunks based on the time I have.

First to deal with is Tony.

Prior to seeing him yesterday, it had been 2.5 weeks prior. We were supposed to meet the night he ended up being hospitalized. A few days later he came over and I remember feeling that something was just… off.

I’m learning through all these dating experiences that I pick up on far more signals than I am aware of; however knowing what they mean is the key.

He was going to be gone for 10 days for work, out of the country.

Prior to his leaving he told me he was likely going to have his phone off because on his last trip his phone bill was far too big. We exchanged a few emails here and there but nothing much the first few days.

On other trips he’d sent me pictures – of himself, or the scenery. We would still text or talk on the phone. But this time was different; he said it wouldn’t work to talk, he was having “phone issues”.

Something was wrong.

This is a man who I’ve spoken to – as in, on the phone – almost every single day since October (except for a few weeks after we broke up in January). I’m the only person he’s ever wanted to speak to every day.

I checked out his ex-wife’s Instagram account. Pictures of her and their son in Barbados.


I was busy with other stuff but I knew something was up with him. I strongly suspected he was on a trip with her. But at the same time, it seemed like a very elaborate lie to make up an entire work trip. He’d given me too many details. So I did some quick fact checking and concluded he may have started on a work trip in the location he told me, but he was then with her.

As much as I thought I was right, I hated to think I was. I told myself I was probably imagining things. But I realized the hurt and anger over his lies from Chapter One of our relationship were just under the surface (I can’t for the life of me find the post, but he was with another woman after he said we were exclusive). I didn’t trust him, clearly.

I suppose since Chapter Two in October I felt immune to the lies; that surely it didn’t apply to me anymore. I thought given everything he said about how he felt about me, I was above that. I was the one he told everything to. Sure, he lied to Mary about our trip, and if I’d given it much thought I could have predicted if he was about to do something with her, he would likely not be able to tell me.

I’d emailed him saying I was having a really shitty week. He acknowledged it but didn’t call, which was unusual.

Via email, we had made plans to get together the day after he returned, a Saturday. A few days prior he wrote to say he was sorry but he could no longer meet; he had plans that were in place for so long he’d forgotten. I believed him, but he didn’t expand on what those plans were. We settled on him coming over on Sunday night.


He sent me a text the moment he got home from “work”. We had a a brief exchange and I asked him why he was being coy about his plans for Saturday.

In response he gave me all the details of his plans, and then expressed surprise I wasn’t out. Yes, I was home alone on a Friday night with no plans. I had lamented this fact to a girlfriend earlier in the evening but ended up working until almost 10pm so it was ultimately moot.

In response, I said “I told you I wasn’t feeling well. Have a good day tomorrow.” I was angry he hadn’t reached out to talk to me, and suspicious he’d been lying.

The next morning I was walking in my neighborhood, my phone rang and it was him.

We talked for an hour.

He talked about the job and how busy it was. Made a point to say he had phone problems and didn’t talk to anyone. He told me he wanted to be sure to get in touch with me right away when he got home, and he was worried about me because I said I wasn’t doing well.

I told him it was inconceivable to me he didn’t have any time for 10 days to talk to me, and I was upset he didn’t make the effort to reach out.

And then the lies really started.


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All images in this series are from the Cary Grant movie “My Favorite Wife”

42 thoughts on “That infectious little thing called doubt

  1. I thinking this is Tony. If you want him badly then put up with it. If you don’t want all this then get shut.

  2. Hmmm I wonder if Jay is correct and Tony is never going to be able to provide the honesty of communication and clarity you are seeking.

    I wonder if Tony has his life running on two parallel tracks. On one track is his friendship with you and on the other is his relationship between the two and and he makes sure the two never cross. From his perspective its not so much lying as neither track needs to know about the other.

    Taking Jay’s point to it’s logical conclusion maybe you have to figure out what you want from Tony and if only being part of one of those two tracks is not enough then you may need to make the break permanent.

    • I do think you’re right… And after I broke up with him in January I did get to a place where I realized he wasn’t going to be the person for me. While I believe people are capable of change, he hasn’t demonstrated any desire to move past some of these destructive behaviours and how he manages things. He was a great comfort to me these last few months with everything else going on, but to keep lying about stuff? Nope, just no.

  3. I hate that. Just man-up. Don’t lie about it to compound the hurt feelings that you are supposedly trying to avoid with the lie. I don’t know about you, but I can’t look at someone the same after this stuff.

  4. One thing is curious to me. Why do you call Tony’s wife “ex-wife”? I know they are separated, but doesn’t he express unwillingness to divorce, date his wife, pretend with friends they’re still together, can’t be open about any other relationships and apparently still goes on family vacations where he can’t be in communication with you? What’s “ex” about that? Seems to me Tony isn’t the only one lying to you.

    • It’s actually because for readers who don’t know the whole story if I just say “wife” it doesn’t tell the full picture either. In some posts I’ve put “ex” in quotes. I’m definitely not lying to myself. The only reason I’ve been able to see him the last couple of months is because I’ve let go of the notion that he’s the right person for me and let go of any hope of him moving in a direction other than stagnant or getting back with her. That’s not what had me so angry with him.

  5. I’m so mad at Tony…and to pile lies on top of lies just makes him completely devalued in my opinion. It’s one thing to sit on the fence with decisions and moving forward but it’s another thing entirely to lie – and to you – after so much time.

  6. Ok, Ann. I’ve had enough of Tony’s nonsense and I’m not even in a relationship with him. I don’t know how or why you’re still leaving the door open for him. There was a How I Met Your Mother episode that was all about how we all have that one person who has us on their hook. No matter how badly they treat us we keep going back to them with that hope that “this time will be different.” Tony’s got you on his hook. You deserve better and you know it, so why are you still giving him the chance to keep you on his hook? You left us with a cliffhanger, so hopefully the next post is the end of the Tony saga.

        • I didn’t know how this (not a) chapter would end, and I had been rooting for “Team Tony” that he would see the light that is ASV and make the “right” decision about you. On a gut level I say F**K Tony now, but my heart wants(ed) a happy ever after, even if you’d given up on it. As I’ve written before, I have no way to know what’s best for you to do. I’ve not walked in your shoes, not even that style. I only hope that whatever you do, it leads to a happy, long life for you and Liam.

    • I will address some of this in my next post. After I broke up with him in January, I let go of the yearning for him as a boyfriend / future partner. It’s now I was able to keep seeing him and have it be positive instead of negative for me. I won’t say “oh we were just friends” because obviously that’s not true, but I was enjoying what we had knowing that’s all it would ever be. I hadn’t really prepared myself for his getting back with Mary, because I didn’t think he’d ever really make a decision, and I definitely didn’t expect him to lie to me about it (but admittedly hadn’t given it too much thought).

  7. To clarify… the “net” being in their life and a much bigger part of it with no baggage and exes lurking in the background. And NO lies!!!!!!!!

  8. I got into your life of late and never really understood the Tony relationship. I wasn’t sure if you were writing fiction or baring your life. I’m thinking this is too real and from the heart, so my heart goes out to you on this latest Tony development. I won’t make any other comment, except to say that it seems that you are getting the brush off, and he can’t deal with it.

    Now, Ian is another story, Ann, I got into that one from the start and interested to see what the latest is.

    • Nothing I write is fiction Elliott, this is all exactly as it happened, for better and worse 🙂

      It’s the reverse actually, I’m saying goodbye to some of he thinks we’ve continued, and he is very unhappy…

        • I’m not sure I would characterize it that way exactly. Last year yes, I wanted Tony to be my serious boyfriend and thought we could continue to go down that path together. That’s changed for me. And with him, he wants far more than sex. I’ve become one of the most important people in his life. Not just a lover but a best friend, confidant, fellow explorer. However despite his feelings for me, his belief of what he needs to do for his son, and the comfort of a family unit, is a stronger draw. He knows what he wants but he can’t have both…

What do you think?