eating and sleeping alone

I don’t like having meals out alone

This past weekend, I went away – alone. I had an extra day off and no plans. My friends were all busy. Even if I wanted to use Tony as a crutch, he was away for work. And since Kyle hardly texts let alone declare his love for me on our second date (cough, cough), we aren’t remotely close to the “go away together” stage yet.

Given all the drama I’ve experienced in the last couple of months plus the work stress I’m under, I really wanted to get away.

I booked a train trip. Two nights at a hotel with a king bed and crisp white sheets. A dinner each night with one of my closest friends and her family. A day at a spa – the kind with steam rooms, saunas, hot tubs, cold water springs, fireplaces, and hammocks. A 90 minute massage with Jonathan. A facial the next day.


Kind of.

It was nice to get caught up with my girlfriend and to see her husband and children. I enjoyed the 10 hours of train travel with time to listen to tons of music and write blog posts. The spa day was incredible and I felt amazing afterwards.

It was nice to be lost in my own thoughts for a day. No electronics are allowed at the spa. I just sat, swam, snoozed, and sweated.

I didn’t think about work, which was fantastic.

I thought about Tony a lot. I thought about Kyle even more. I wasn’t even trying but they consumed my thoughts. Damn them.

I don’t like eating out alone. I remember when I booked my first solo vacation two years ago, it was the dinners alone I dreaded the most. I survived. This time the dinners were fine but I would have loved to wake up with someone (not just anyone) next to me in that king bed, and to have breakfast in bed before and after slow weekend sex.


I feel better than I did when I left. I haven’t seen Kyle – Sunday night and Monday didn’t work. And just like the last two times, I haven’t heard from him yet about tonight. I sent him a text this morning to confirm. I have to keep telling myself over and over that this just seems to be his conversation style – if a date and time are confirmed there’s no other need for communication.

It makes me anxious and I don’t like it. I’m telling myself all is well and he’s still keen on me despite making an update to his Bumble profile.

I’m going to keep telling myself that.

When I see him (see what I did there!?), I may ask him what kind of communication he prefers between dates. I don’t want to pressure him (it’s only date #3, after all), but I also need to find a way to put my mind at ease.


[Image from the movie “I Walk Alone”]

26 thoughts on “I don’t like having meals out alone

  1. Eating alone is a fascinating topic for me since I am a foodie and am often alone. I also think it’s a feminist issue, as it’s mainly women who feels this way. I should write about it πŸ˜‰

  2. I’m sure you will find that his “style” of communication will improve after your next date. It’s other “styles” I’m waiting to hear about. *blushes*

  3. I don’t like eating alone either, it’s probably what was hardest about being by myself every other week.
    But I prefer it ten times over dinner as it was before, where I felt I had to produce a 3star meal every day (it was more than just feel, I was ‘strongly requested’ to do it).
    So… I got used to it. Not my favorite thing, but one I learnt to live with.
    I believe it IS Kyle’s communication style. And I wouldn’t make too much of it, because it doesn’t mean anything about how he’ll communicate later on. The Dancer didn’t feel the need to tell me anything aside from our communications about ‘dating’ and meeting. Now… it’s a very different story. It’s a rare occurrence when he doesn’t write every day. I know that, to you, it’s still barely enough. I thought like you at first. G and I used to write back and forth 30 to 50 emails per day. So the contrast was stark. But… I think it was what I needed too, to learn how to be independent. Of course, things are different for you, but… maybe a quieter communication style is what you need at the moment? You’ll find out soon enough!

    As for the first paragraph… I must say I was a bit taken aback. Why on earth would you want Tony with you on such an outing? You know it would mean he’d be lying to his wife about where he’s going and whom with. I know you know you deserve more than that!
    (and to be clear: I know you probably wouldn’t have gone with him. But just the fact you thought about the possibility surprises me…)

    Any how… I’m looking forward to reading more about Kyle and what happens with him.

    • I couldn’t write 30 emails or texts a day! A couple of texts a day would be wonderful, I don’t need much more.
      And why Tony? We have an amazing time together, always. I spent a week with him and could have spent more. I was speaking practically about doing it, just that he would be good company.

      • I know you don’t need more than a couple of texts. Or a few conversations. But… it looks like Kyle is probably not in that place yet. I just wanted to say it doesn’t mean anything about what may come next πŸ™‚
        I know that, knowing he’s trying to get back with his wife and going to lie to her about where and whom he’ll be with, I would have felt really weird going with him I think.
        But that’s me πŸ™‚

        • Unfortunately Tony has mastered the art of deflection and lies of omission… It’s how things have gone on for so long, I presume.

          And who knows what will happen next with Kyle. In the moment I’m not terribly optimistic.

          • Ah! Sorry to hear this. About Kyle I mean. Tony, I think I knew what to expect.
            The right one will come Ann. He will.
            Sending hugs.

      • Yes, it is not as nice, I agree. The thing I try to do now is look at life happening around me, observe and make notes, to help with my writing later πŸ™‚

  4. I think I’m the weird one here. I love meals alone. I love being alone with my own thoughts, perhaps a book, and a truly decadent wine and meal. Sometimes it’s really trying to make conversation when I’ve been discussing people’s intimate health details all day, I just want to zone out and enjoy me time.

  5. Whatever micron of reassurance this might offer, Ms. St. Vincent, my manner of telephonic communication is akin to Kyle’s, and it is in NO way a reflective measure of my interest. Rather, it is a product of the staunchness of my word. Having agreed to something, only in extremis circumstances will preclude my fulfilling said agreement. Thus, the only call for any further contact about arrangements made is if either (any) party needs to change them. In fact, though I full well know better, it remains a bit jarring to receive a call/text-message/e-mail simply to confirm that day’s already set plans. (It is also gravely difficult for me to dine alone in a restaurant, but, let’s leave that for next week’s session, yes? πŸ˜‰)

  6. I don’t mind eating alone. What helps immensely is to sit at the bar, even if you are having a full meal. The bar staff are usually friendly, sometimes there is a tv and I oftentimes find myself chatting with staff, other guests, etc. I also always have something to read just in case.

    My most awkward eating alone was at a breath-taking resort where I vacationed by myself. I should write about being single at what I discovered was a couples resort. It turned out great after the first night because I got dinner invitations by various couples, but the first night was cringe-worthy awkward (romantic lighting = no reading, table by the band, couples all around, leisurely paced, multiple course meal -LOL).

What do you think?