plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. He quit that job, moved back to the city a year ago, and took a very different job – part of his ongoing midlife crisis, according to a friend. He reduced his income by approximately 50%, but as far as I could tell, didn’t make any adjustments to his expenses.

Well, that job didn’t work out. He applied for others, and had two offers: one in our city which was apparently even lower paying, and a much more lucrative role in a city that takes a day to get to by plane.

He called me one night to tell me he wanted to take the lucrative job. Ultimately, he said, the job was the most important thing to him. He couldn’t imagine walking away from that kind of money. He was worried about being able to afford life if he stayed here and took the lesser paying job.

Then he asked me for money to stay.

Yes, you read that right. While I said I was uncomfortable with the notion it came down to a financial exchange, ultimately that’s what it was.

I agreed.

It’s not a small amount, but it was worth it for me to keep Liam’s Dad here. I couldn’t imagine how deeply Liam would be affected to have his Father leave again, this time for years.

Oh, and this came just two weeks after Will asked me to consider having one of us have Liam all of the time, and the other one just every other weekend. Because he was concerned about a lack of consistency in Liam’s life. This despite the therapist Liam has been seeing telling us he thinks we are doing an amazing job.

I told Will that if he was going to stay here, I considered the discussion of living arrangements closed. I was not about to pay to have him stay, just to have him turn around and tell me he wanted to have Liam full-time. No fucking way.

Second Shit? Work.

My job right now is making order of chaos; taking a many million dollar steaming pile of shit and cleaning it up. I’ve done pretty well so far in that regard, and normally I really like what I do.

But there are some specific people issues which are wearing me down. I had to fire one person already. Another is ultimately detrimental to the team, although I need them for now given their critical role. I hired someone who is super keen but just not working out, which is difficult. The list goes on.

We are coming up to a critical deadline, thanks to the government, and I don’t know if we are going to make it. I’ve done pretty much everything I can, and while I don’t bear the burden alone, it is my job to get us across the finish line. I can see the fissures in my mental and physical state resulting from the pressure.

Third Shit? My health.

I went for my annual full health and wellness assessment. My gallstone is still single (which cracks me up). I passed my stress test, my hearing is perfect, I still have no allergies, my bad cholesterol continues to decline. My boobs are filled with dense tissue but nothing looks worrisome. I don’t need bifocals yet. These are all good things. My medical test results were great.

But.

I weigh too much – like 25 lbs too much – and need to be in better shape. This according to the 41 year-old gorgeous and funny personal trainer who did my fitness assessment. He actually told me my “youth is gone”…and while that sounds harsh, it was in the context of the reality that things start to change as we age, and I’d better get on it if I want to turn back the clock.

I actually asked him out on a date by email afterwards. We’d had great chemistry and banter – especially given he basically told me I was old and fat. Unfortunately, he is engaged, so there was no date to be had. He was kind enough to say it was a tempting offer.

I signed up for personal training at the health clinic, and have seen a trainer there twice a week for three weeks now. They are very good, and are dealing with some of the fundamental biomechanical issues I have.

But while that’s all good, being told I’m much too heavy (as much as I knew I needed to lose some weight) has stuck with me as it hasn’t been offset by frequent sex and the boost I get from that.

Fourth shit? Fucking dudes. Or not fucking dudes, in this case.

Ian’s story does continue, but it’s a real change going from someone who told me he loved me on the second date to Ian. It’s unfortunately hard to distinguish between someone who likes me and is playing it cool, and someone who is ambivalent.

Lewis is being even more silent than usual. Haven’t seen him since the foursome. I know he’s busy and has others around, but it just feels shitty.

Everything feels shitty, that’s the problem.

Tony needs his own post. I saw him twice two weeks ago but he’s been away traveling for the last 10 days and we had only brief contact. I’m convinced he was away with his ex the second part of his journey. It’s a long story and I’m probably crazy but it’s brought up some deep-seated shit I could have done without.

I did go back on Bumble and it’s lackluster at best.

My girlfriends are mostly busy with their own drama. Illness, travel, work, and life. I didn’t make advance plans and being alone two Liam-free weeks isn’t good for me. It’s not all bad: I took my Mom to a sporting event, I had dinner with a friend I’ve known for 33 years. I was alone on Friday night but worked until after 9pm.

Ultimately, I wish I had a male companion in my life to cuddle when I get home after a shit day. I wish I had someone with whom I didn’t always have to be strong. Who would understand these times of sadness, stress, and weakness are transitory, who would accept me when I’m tired and bitchy, knowing I’m close to the other side.

~~

40 thoughts on “I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

  1. Unfortunately that’s the thing I’ve found about shitstorms–when it rains it pours. Just hang in there.

    I’d comment individually about the stuff you mentioned here, but I think right now it’s better to just say I’m sending good thoughts your way. And hey, at least you still have us, the commentariat around to give you virtual cuddles. So you’ve got that going for you, which is nice. 😉

    • I like “commentariat”…made me smile 🙂
      Yes, I should have said it’s nice to know there are people out there who care. Pretty awesome, actually.
      And feel free to comment on the individual components, I can handle it. There are a couple more posts on Ian and Tony coming up, just sitting alone at home (sniff!) writing them 🙂

      • As far as the individual stuff..

        Your ex Will really is a shit, and it sucks that he’s essentially using his own child indirectly as a pawn for what amounts to blackmail. If he loved his son as much as you do, he would find a way to stay in town for Liam *and* find a way to make ends meet to make that happen. When you want something badly enough, you find a way to make it happen. His behavior says he is putting his own needs in front of his own child’s, and counting on the fact that you love your son more than he does to get concessions out of you. That just sucks, but you are a fantastic mother to do what you are doing even though he’s being this big of an asshole, all for the welfare of your child. Good on you.

        Work? It is what it is. I have a saying that 90% of professionalism is successfully concealing your contempt. Nuff said.

        On the health front, that is a priority. Don’t let that stuff slide–and not just the nutrition and training part–sleep is so critically important.

        As far as the dudes front, with Tony and Lewis you know what you have with them and what you don’t, so there really shouldn’t be any disappointment that they continue to be exactly who they’ve long since shown you who they are and what they do and do not want from you in their lives. And with Ian, I’ll reserve comment until further updates..

  2. (((hugs))) And I totally hear you on ‘being the strong one’ and the exhaustion that it causes. I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion, that I will always be this person, in any relationship I have. I’m currently considering uprooting my family and moving interstate, which is going to be very traumatic for my ASD son and PTSD husband….to start a high powered job. I’m considering leaving them here and flying home on the weekends, but that would effect them too.

    I hope you get sorted soon, so you can breathe. LB xx

    • I even said it to Tony today, that despite being strong and positive most of the time, even I have my moments. It sucks and you’re right, takes a lot of energy.
      I’m sorry to hear about your own situation, that’s a difficult choice. Flying home is very taxing… I worked in a different location several days a week for 10 months, flying every week, and it was brutal.

  3. Oh Ann … I feel your pain on shits #1, #2, and of course #3. Years ago my kids went to live with their dad for the summer and he and his wife decided that I had “dumped” them there and no longer wanted primary physical custody. I consulted an attorney, but I was told that the courts are extremely reluctant to intervene when the kids are healthy and happy. A year later the step monster wanted to go to cooking school in a neighboring city, and I told XH that kids needed to be back with me/us, because we offered more supervision and stability. He’d only agree if I would not press him for child support, and I agreed. They were in junior high and he did not contribute a single cent toward any of their expenses or college after that. Having my kids here through junior high and high school – totally worth it.

    Shit #2 – I am also having HR-related issues at work, soon to be resolved, I hope. It’s a sad situation, but sometimes people simply are a poor fit and the relief I will feel when it’s all done make me feel the tiniest tinge of guilt.

    Shit #3 – I’m glad you’ve found someone you can work with on the weight issues you’re facing. After working with my trainer for 10 months and a dietician for 4 months, I am a lot more competent at a lot of things, but dropping the weight and adjusting my eating have not been easy tasks. You’ll get there, though.

    Sorry you’ve had all this crap come up at once.

    • When Will tried to justify it to me I told him (and it’s true), that a half a million dollar a year job wouldn’t get me to leave. Period. The time with kids at this age is far too short, in my opinion. I’m glad you were able to have yours with you when you did.

      You’re right about poor fit. In this case she’s so keen, and just not getting it. It’s hard, because I want to believe in people but also know when it just won’t work out.

      I’m so impressed at all the work you are doing with your trainer, it’s darn amazing. The adjustments are difficult – life long things we’ve learned that we are trying to undo. At least if I can deal with some of the strength stuff, that’s something.

  4. So much of this resonates with me. Every week lately, I keep thinking that next week has to get better, yet it’s been a never-ending shit storm (i.e. teen son going off the rails in various ways, younger son breaks his dominant arm, ex-husband finds new ways to torment me, responsibility at work is crushing me, family member in the hospital). Oh, and the 15 lbs I lost over the past year didn’t have the results I hoped for, so I need to lose another 10. I feel your pain Ann, I really do! I am lucky to have a loving boyfriend, but as a divorced, professional mom, I feel like so much of this is my burden to bear alone.

    • Gosh Holly, so sorry to hear about all that. I’m glad you have a loving boyfriend who is hopefully a good support system for you, but I understand feeling alone on this one.

  5. I’m sorry you are going through a crap time.

    And I am sorry the stuff with Tony continues to bring you angst. You are so attached to him and your connection with him that it’s not surprising it would hurt to learn he was away with his wife (she sounds less and less like an ex as time goes on unfortunately). I know he care about you but it’s sad he can’t just get his shit together.

    With Lewis…I still get the slimey creepy vibe off stories about him….I am genuinely surprised that you would be emotionally impacted by his disappearance. He has been pretty clear about just being in it for the sexual experiences…..I’m sure he will be back around for more eventually. Ugh. I can’t stand him.

    It’s good that you have a trainer to help you focus on your health. Weight loss does get harder and harder each year after 40. Making fitness part of your lifestyle now will be so much easier than starting later.

  6. I totally can relate. I have had days where everything goes sideways. Those are the nights I cuddle up with my kitty and a bottle of wine and a great old Black and White movie. Best you can do sometimes. Keep your chin up!

  7. Mr Texas is that to me, and perhaps that’s why even though there was a clear expiration date to him, I welcomed the moments until I couldn’t anymore in good conscious.
    Men exhaust me, my ex exhausts me, no kids gives me far too much time to think which is why I am glad it’s not consist, though far more frequent than what I am used to.
    I apparently can so relate to this post. Wishing you all the best

  8. Oh Ann, As a relatively new subscriber, I read your story, and imagine ASV as a goddess. Even when you’ve had difficulties, I’ve skipped ahead and there you were the strong woman I’ve come to admire and respect. Now while the multi-shit-storm roars I find it difficult to watch(read). A few days ago I was chiding you to tell us more, and now I’m afraid to look. But you know what, while writing this I have come to a realization. You will kick this shit storm’s ass like you have many others! With the help of your friends, family, and virtual community, you will come out stronger, smarter, and HAPPIER!
    Now, will you tell us more of the Ian story? ( ;

  9. One of my new favorite quotes is: “May my heart be kind. May my mind be fierce. May my spirit be brave.” Kate Forsyth Wishing you this during this tough time!

  10. Sending hugs Ann.
    On the first front, I must say I can see both sides. I know my ex has said he may have to move away to find a new job (and I know it to be true). He is trying to say that his situation has changed so much that he can’t afford child support, at least not to the amount he used to give me. And is using the kids to make me sound like a greedy bitch. And I’m torn, because it’s either he moves away to find a job, or he stays here with no money, save for everything he has in bank accounts. I know that losing his job is a big worry for him, and he also wants money from me, even if it’s in a ‘things I don’t have to pay any more’ sort of way. On the other hand, being the poor one from the two, I can understand Will’s position. Though the way you say it certainly makes it sound like he’s an a**hole.
    Good luck sorting it out!

    The rest, I agree with comments above. You know what to expect from Tony and Lewis, so you shouldn’t be surprised.

    As for the weight thing… if your body is telling you it’s healthy (and apparently every single test is telling you just that), then why do you care so much what a fitness crazy guy is telling you?
    Ok, I know it may sound a bit crazy, but I have had to come to terms with the way I looked, learn to like myself as I am. One day I may wish to lose weight, but it probably won’t be because a fitness guy tells me I should. If my doc can show me tests that suggest I should, then I’ll try. But I won’t do it just to fit into what society is saying I should weigh. I know that losing weight because someone else is telling me to doesn’t work. Maybe you don’t need to do it either?

    Anyways, as I said: HUGS!

    • I always think it’s good to see both sides, but I did keep out some other details regarding Will’s job. First thing, he quit the job he took that was far away, which was pretty lucrative. He could have negotiated to come back and stay with the same company. He quit the job he took when he came back, and could have stayed while he found something more suitable, which would have meant he didn’t have to take a lower paying job. He’s never sold the house I moved out of, despite saying he would do so last year, and he hasn’t been able to afford the mortgage, so he’s been racking up debt. He also owes me a huge amount of money as part of our settlement, which we didn’t put a time frame on. So there were a lot of things he should have done before he came asking me for that money. He’s not poor by a long shot…he still makes more than probably 90% of the population.

      And yes, when it comes to weight, I am healthy but am carrying around more fat than I should. It’s not the weight as much as it’s my lean / fat ratio. I’m accepting of my body but need to fit into my clothes again!!

      • I knew there were probably things that you left out regarding the ex. There always is, isn’t there?
        As for the weight thing… as long as you do it for you, not because someone is telling you to 🙂

  11. Well, you have “us” to understand these times of sadness, stress, and weakness are transitory, and who accept you when you’re tired and bitchy, knowing you’re close to the other side. But I totally get the need for physical closeness and while I’m sure many of us would gladly cuddle you, I think it would be awkward if we were all doing it at the same time. Nevertheless, you are doing well to express the shit storm and stay ahead of it, not letting it get the better of you.

  12. First off I want to say hugs because we all need those when the world camps out on our doorstep and pushes the “shits arrived button”
    Secondly, I think you’re doing a great job just holding it all together especially the juggling of bits you have going on in your life (mine is wwwaaaayyy simpler in comparison although here are some comparisons to be had).
    Thirdly, its not the same I know, but we are never alone. Whether its through family or friends or through the media of blogging there is always somebody there to empathise and send loving thoughts and we all do here.
    I do get the fact its not the same as loving arms at night or rampant sex to relieve the stress.

  13. A strict regime of sexercise can only do so much.

    The single best thing you can do is give up alcohol. It slows down a woman’s metabolism like nothing else. You can keep eating what you like and the pounds, kilos, stones and executive rolls will just fall off. I’m not kidding.

    Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

    You’ll make it.

  14. I’m late to this post – how is the exercise and fitness going?

    My life has stayed shitty, but boy oh boy can I navigate better now that I feel strong and physically powerful. I dunno.

What do you think?