I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.
I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.
First shit? Will, my ex-husband.
He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. He quit that job, moved back to the city a year ago, and took a very different job – part of his ongoing midlife crisis, according to a friend. He reduced his income by approximately 50%, but as far as I could tell, didn’t make any adjustments to his expenses.
Well, that job didn’t work out. He applied for others, and had two offers: one in our city which was apparently even lower paying, and a much more lucrative role in a city that takes a day to get to by plane.
He called me one night to tell me he wanted to take the lucrative job. Ultimately, he said, the job was the most important thing to him. He couldn’t imagine walking away from that kind of money. He was worried about being able to afford life if he stayed here and took the lesser paying job.
Then he asked me for money to stay.
Yes, you read that right. While I said I was uncomfortable with the notion it came down to a financial exchange, ultimately that’s what it was.
It’s not a small amount, but it was worth it for me to keep Liam’s Dad here. I couldn’t imagine how deeply Liam would be affected to have his Father leave again, this time for years.
Oh, and this came just two weeks after Will asked me to consider having one of us have Liam all of the time, and the other one just every other weekend. Because he was concerned about a lack of consistency in Liam’s life. This despite the therapist Liam has been seeing telling us he thinks we are doing an amazing job.
I told Will that if he was going to stay here, I considered the discussion of living arrangements closed. I was not about to pay to have him stay, just to have him turn around and tell me he wanted to have Liam full-time. No fucking way.
Second Shit? Work.
My job right now is making order of chaos; taking a many million dollar steaming pile of shit and cleaning it up. I’ve done pretty well so far in that regard, and normally I really like what I do.
But there are some specific people issues which are wearing me down. I had to fire one person already. Another is ultimately detrimental to the team, although I need them for now given their critical role. I hired someone who is super keen but just not working out, which is difficult. The list goes on.
We are coming up to a critical deadline, thanks to the government, and I don’t know if we are going to make it. I’ve done pretty much everything I can, and while I don’t bear the burden alone, it is my job to get us across the finish line. I can see the fissures in my mental and physical state resulting from the pressure.
Third Shit? My health.
I went for my annual full health and wellness assessment. My gallstone is still single (which cracks me up). I passed my stress test, my hearing is perfect, I still have no allergies, my bad cholesterol continues to decline. My boobs are filled with dense tissue but nothing looks worrisome. I don’t need bifocals yet. These are all good things. My medical test results were great.
I weigh too much – like 25 lbs too much – and need to be in better shape. This according to the 41 year-old gorgeous and funny personal trainer who did my fitness assessment. He actually told me my “youth is gone”…and while that sounds harsh, it was in the context of the reality that things start to change as we age, and I’d better get on it if I want to turn back the clock.
I actually asked him out on a date by email afterwards. We’d had great chemistry and banter – especially given he basically told me I was old and fat. Unfortunately, he is engaged, so there was no date to be had. He was kind enough to say it was a tempting offer.
I signed up for personal training at the health clinic, and have seen a trainer there twice a week for three weeks now. They are very good, and are dealing with some of the fundamental biomechanical issues I have.
But while that’s all good, being told I’m much too heavy (as much as I knew I needed to lose some weight) has stuck with me as it hasn’t been offset by frequent sex and the boost I get from that.
Fourth shit? Fucking dudes. Or not fucking dudes, in this case.
Ian’s story does continue, but it’s a real change going from someone who told me he loved me on the second date to Ian. It’s unfortunately hard to distinguish between someone who likes me and is playing it cool, and someone who is ambivalent.
Everything feels shitty, that’s the problem.
Tony needs his own post. I saw him twice two weeks ago but he’s been away traveling for the last 10 days and we had only brief contact. I’m convinced he was away with his ex the second part of his journey. It’s a long story and I’m probably crazy but it’s brought up some deep-seated shit I could have done without.
I did go back on Bumble and it’s lackluster at best.
My girlfriends are mostly busy with their own drama. Illness, travel, work, and life. I didn’t make advance plans and being alone two Liam-free weeks isn’t good for me. It’s not all bad: I took my Mom to a sporting event, I had dinner with a friend I’ve known for 33 years. I was alone on Friday night but worked until after 9pm.
Ultimately, I wish I had a male companion in my life to cuddle when I get home after a shit day. I wish I had someone with whom I didn’t always have to be strong. Who would understand these times of sadness, stress, and weakness are transitory, who would accept me when I’m tired and bitchy, knowing I’m close to the other side.