tony told me the truth and I hated it

Being angry via text

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Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.

I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.

At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”.  Nothing.

I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.

The next morning I woke up and saw he’d texted me around 10:30pm. “Just finishing up my meeting. Going home. Exhausted. Hopefully see you soon. Tonight would have been miserable – sorry.”

Monday morning I woke up and at 7am sent “Let me know when you can make time.”

He immediately replied “Not a matter of making time. Just getting settled again. Scouting today, but later tonight should work if I can stay awake.”

I said that was fine and we signed off with him saying that sounded great. Of course you know what’s coming next. At 8pm I asked if he was on track for coming. He told me he was sick in bed and trying to feel better. I said all the right things at first about hoping he felt better soon, and then said I wanted to see him, felt disconnected, and thought he had things to tell me.

He said “Totally. Tonight would not have been good.”

“For what?”

“For me not feeling like puking.”

“No that’s not what I meant. I think you have things you need to tell me.”

“Yes – Of course”

“But probably don’t want to. And I don’t like waiting. I don’t like three nights now of thinking I’m going to see you and not.”

“Sorry. Tonight was it just not feeling well.”

I was so angry. I’d had enough of the indirect conversation so just went with the direct approach.

So I just said “Were you with Mary the latter part of you being away?”

“Can we talk about this later.”

“Assume that’s a yes then.

“Yes.”

Oh, wow. I was livid. Sure, part of it was him going away with her – of course that’s not an outcome I was happy about. But to be lied to? I imagined he and I had reached a point in our relationship where he was truly open and honest with me.

I felt like an idiot.

So I said: “I’m so fucking angry with you.”

“I understand – wasn’t my intention”

“Goddamn liar. That’s bullshit.”

The conversation didn’t get better from there.

“I’m sorry. It was a combination of things”

“Like what? Name one thing that justifies you lying to me. Again. Did you have sex with her? And for how long had you planned it?”

“Wasn’t planned long. Heard my Mom was sick and needed to get away. Had sex once.”

“Have you had sex with her, prior, since we met? You told me no, but I’d like the truth now, please.”

“There were times we were not together. Since we met. I have not have sex with Mary more than three times including when we were broken up and not together.”

“Jesus Tony. I’ve been more right about things than I thought. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, that you would be that deceitful to both of us.”

“What – I’m confused – you broke up with me twice. Had sex with more than one person and me going back to my ex is bad?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about your Mom. That you didn’t tell me you wanted to go away with her. Mary has no idea you’ve been with anyone else! You never told her you were dating. Lied about me. Lied about going to Jamaica with me. It’s not about the sex. As far as she knows, she’s it for you. And you told me before you had not been intimate with her at all. I don’t even know what to say. I hoped I was wrong. But you fucking lied to me over and over again – again! How I supposed to take this? What am I supposed to think about my actual importance to you?”

“I’m sorry. Didn’t want to hurt you but can’t help the idea of being a family again no matter how dysfunctional. I enjoy every second with you and you are hard to let go of physically and emotionally. When I contacted you the last time it was with no intention of having a relationship. But as things turned out we ended up spending more time together than I expected. I should have know what would happen.”

“So then go be a fucking family again. Lying to me is the worth thing. Thought you knew that from last time. And here I am, made foolish. Yet again. I’m mad and you but madder at myself….

…actually no, I’m matter at you. You were actually going to tell me that to my face? Have you decided to move back?”

“I was – it would have been better than this. I have thought about it.”

“Then come here and explain it to my face.”

“I will but I can’t tonight. I am sick. I wanted to come yesterday but was unable because I started to feel ill. My work was miserable today. I’m sorry it came out like this but I can’t drive right now.”

“Hey I already knew you were lying to me. I knew when you came up with a series of bullshit excuses why you couldn’t talk to me. And then you tried to suggest you didn’t know where they were. I’m not stupid.”

“I don’t think you are. Have to rest. Willing to continue anytime.”

“You must thing at some level I am because you lied to me. How on earth did you think that was going to end well, if you ever valued our friendship. So why would I want to continue this with you? What do you have to tell me?”

That was the last text we exchanged that night.

The next morning he still hadn’t responded so I sent “Those weren’t rhetorical questions Tony.”

He said “Hey. Feeling much better. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. And you’re right I was going to have a tough time telling you. You became a large and important part of my life and it sucks that you’re so mad.”

“Your use of the past tense makes it even worse. And you did plan for this. You made a deliberate choice again to deceive me. And I bet you wouldn’t have told me if I didn’t call you on it.”

We did exchange more texts during the day, mostly him saying he would “try” to come that night and me insisting there was no try, there was give me a fucking ETA.

To his credit, he did show up, and I had just gotten started with what I needed to say.

~~

The pictures for this series are from the Cary Grant movie “My Favorite Wife”.

54 thoughts on “Being angry via text

      • It’s kind of like I took your posts virginity by being the first commenter. Kind of like putting that first step in a pristine area of new snow. I don’t think it’s a thing, but usually when I get to your posts there’s always 147 comments and I imagine that you are probably long past responding anymore.

        • I actually try to respond to all comments 🙂

          I’m a little behind on comments in one or two posts but it’s also because I’m trying to write quickly to get everyone up to speed.

          • Yes, I know you do respond to all the comments. But it’s always kind of cool to be the first person to respond I think. By the time I get to commenting after 50 other people have I usually don’t have anything original or different to say. If I get to come in first now they have to live up to my obviously fantastic comment.

      • Yes it is a thing on some sites. A long time ago, I briefly followed the “Lonelygirl 15” videos out of curiosity. Each time a new video was posted, there would be a race to type “first” in the comments. Some even kept score. So silly! I even got a few firsts, too!

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain. To be honest though, I don’t know why you wasted anymore time on him after he stopped texting that night. For you sake and your sanity, I hope you’re done. Sorry to be so plainly blunt with you. I know it hurts, but it will hurt more and longer if you don’t just walk away for good. I want to hear you happy when I read your blog.

  2. Give it to him, Ann! Although, I did notice that nowhere in your conversation was there mention of your “friendship” being compromised – it sounded more like jilted lover. I know that the friendship is what’s at issue and the lying, I just didn’t get that in this text exchange. I’m sure it was a big part of the ftf conversation. Can’t wait for the next installment of Hurricane Ann. 😉

    • I wasn’t particularly editing those texts before I sent them, and you’re absolutely right. I can’t pretend to have had my angry shit together more that I did 🙂
      It was everything in combination. His having sexual with her (even infrequent) was the icing on the shit cake.

  3. Oh Tony, Tony, Tony. He really does have a hard time just being on his own. His wife in one hand and you in the other.

    I feel like with this friendship, he wasn’t as interested in being your friend as much as having you on standby should he make a decision to leave his wife for good. I agree with the comment above about your texts coming across as a jilted lover rather than a hurt friend. His texts come across as a man caught cheating.

    Hope you had the chance to get it all off your chest and say what you needed to say to him.

    • He’s had both of us on standby, really. I was more than a hurt friend, for sure. I’d been disingenuous to try to imply anything else. I was angry at being lied to, at the situation, at myself for not expecting it… all sorts of stuff.

      And I absolutely got it all out there. Not just about this, but everything else. Working on that post now 🙂

      • I’m glad you had the chance to get it all out.

        I can totally understand why you would feel the depth of hurt that you did on many fronts.

        In a way I feel bad for Tony…this behavior of leaving you both dangling, unable to man-up and make a life decision, unable to be honest about his decisions and behavior, it all shows how weak of a man he is. You need a strong man, not the ball-less wonder that Tony is proving himself to be. He is just sounding much too weak.

    • Thank you Patti. My next post will speak to it a bit – I hadn’t been seeing Tony lately believing he was the one for me long term…the hurt was on many many levels, but ultimately I wasn’t surprised at how things worked out. I was unprepared for it.

  4. In my life I’ve been on the other side of this. All I can say is the handwriting was always on the wall. Some of us want honesty and truth as if it can be a drop in a bucket. It’s all or nothing. Tony was a liar from the very beginning. He was lying and dating while very much married before he met you. He was lying to his wife and any woman who wanted more than superficiality. I know you see it as deeper than that but it really isn’t. Where could you have really fit in, now that you know the whole truth? I hope you can finally walk away and see that Tony is no prize.

    • I’m not sure what you mean by dating before he met me… yes he had been dating, but he’d moved out of the house when he did so. He told me he’d had an emotional affair prior to their split, but I had an affair too (although I had permission, it wasn’t a clear cut as that) so that alone doesn’t rule him out.

      He dated another woman infrequently (as in, saw her I think three times) after he and I met, and that ended a month after he agreed to be exclusive with me. That was when I should have known he wasn’t able to be honest with many things relating to relationships. I carried the anger of that situation with me until just this week.

      There have been no other women since that one. I know, because I’ve invaded his privacy.

      I know I didn’t write much about it, but after I broke up with him In January I did let go of wanting more from him. I realized I’d focused so much on “catching” the fish that I didn’t really think about whether I wanted him if I caught him. That was how I have been able to see him and have it be a positive rather than negative experience.

  5. Deceit is hard to accept when your heart doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I’m not sure you can believe anything you did not see with your own eyes with him. Be strong!

  6. This makes me so sad, Ann. I do not understand why men have such a problem with honesty. I’m glad you said what you needed to say and called him out on it. Big hugs. xoxo

  7. Oh Ann, again I am so sorry. But in dealing with a friend and lying in another context, I am struggling to understand why any friend would lie to me under any circumstances (the matter is trivial in the context of a friendship I value). How I want to deal with it, other than just not communicating with them at all right now, is troubling as well. I can only imagine how deep your anger and devastating your hurt considering the complexity of your feelings and the relationship with Tony.

  8. I think it’s time Mary had someone enlighten her as to the duplicitous arsehole she’s married to….or perhaps she knows and doesn’t care.

    (((hugs))) Self loathing is the worst….

    LBxx

  9. I am trying so hard not to scream out loud over here reading this. I’m so angry on your behalf and can almost feel the hurt and betrayal. I’ve had a relationship similar to this and those feelings are bubbling up reading this. I feel for you and hope you let him have it. He has to live being a lying, deceitful, hurtful doucheschnoozle of a person, and not sure how he’s going to reconcile that — but it’s no longer your problem. Sending hugs!

  10. Crap Ann, i’m just so sorry you were duped by him. Again. No pearls of wisdom here– just.fucking.be.honest.

  11. (Sorry for so many comments in one day. Just catching up on your blog) I agree with you lies are the unforgivable sin. I can deal with most things but lies is a end all! If they lie once they will again. In my opinion its the end of the conversation. Block and delete the number!

  12. I saved a bunch of posts to read all at once, like a soap opera unfolding, except this is real life, and I don’t care for you being hurt. He’s not Sick, he’s Chicken Sick… I was going to say ‘time to cut the cord on this baby’ till I read the last line. Going to the next post now and see if Tony sweet talks himself back into your life.

What do you think?