Note: all of the communication below is in text form, not in-person dialogue. I just didn’t bother putting the whole thing in Italics.
I wrote about hearing from Ian (now known in my circles as “Mr Ambiguity”) on Mother’s Day while I heard nothing from Tony. I did hear from him that afternoon, he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and said he hoped I had fun with Liam.
At about 5pm that day, I texted him to confirm he was coming over around 9pm. I heard nothing. Two hours later, I simply texted “??”. Nothing.
I was exhausted, and decided I wasn’t going to stay up waiting to hear from him. I was asleep before 9:30 at night.
The next morning I woke up and saw he’d texted me around 10:30pm. “Just finishing up my meeting. Going home. Exhausted. Hopefully see you soon. Tonight would have been miserable – sorry.”
Monday morning I woke up and at 7am sent “Let me know when you can make time.”
He immediately replied “Not a matter of making time. Just getting settled again. Scouting today, but later tonight should work if I can stay awake.”
I said that was fine and we signed off with him saying that sounded great. Of course you know what’s coming next. At 8pm I asked if he was on track for coming. He told me he was sick in bed and trying to feel better. I said all the right things at first about hoping he felt better soon, and then said I wanted to see him, felt disconnected, and thought he had things to tell me.
He said “Totally. Tonight would not have been good.”
“For me not feeling like puking.”
“No that’s not what I meant. I think you have things you need to tell me.”
“Yes – Of course”
“But probably don’t want to. And I don’t like waiting. I don’t like three nights now of thinking I’m going to see you and not.”
“Sorry. Tonight was it just not feeling well.”
I was so angry. I’d had enough of the indirect conversation so just went with the direct approach.
So I just said “Were you with Mary the latter part of you being away?”
“Can we talk about this later.”
“Assume that’s a yes then.
Oh, wow. I was livid. Sure, part of it was him going away with her – of course that’s not an outcome I was happy about. But to be lied to? I imagined he and I had reached a point in our relationship where he was truly open and honest with me.
I felt like an idiot.
So I said: “I’m so fucking angry with you.”
“I understand – wasn’t my intention”
“Goddamn liar. That’s bullshit.”
The conversation didn’t get better from there.
“I’m sorry. It was a combination of things”
“Like what? Name one thing that justifies you lying to me. Again. Did you have sex with her? And for how long had you planned it?”
“Wasn’t planned long. Heard my Mom was sick and needed to get away. Had sex once.”
“Have you had sex with her, prior, since we met? You told me no, but I’d like the truth now, please.”
“There were times we were not together. Since we met. I have not have sex with Mary more than three times including when we were broken up and not together.”
“Jesus Tony. I’ve been more right about things than I thought. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, that you would be that deceitful to both of us.”
“What – I’m confused – you broke up with me twice. Had sex with more than one person and me going back to my ex is bad?”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about your Mom. That you didn’t tell me you wanted to go away with her. Mary has no idea you’ve been with anyone else! You never told her you were dating. Lied about me. Lied about going to Jamaica with me. It’s not about the sex. As far as she knows, she’s it for you. And you told me before you had not been intimate with her at all. I don’t even know what to say. I hoped I was wrong. But you fucking lied to me over and over again – again! How I supposed to take this? What am I supposed to think about my actual importance to you?”
“I’m sorry. Didn’t want to hurt you but can’t help the idea of being a family again no matter how dysfunctional. I enjoy every second with you and you are hard to let go of physically and emotionally. When I contacted you the last time it was with no intention of having a relationship. But as things turned out we ended up spending more time together than I expected. I should have know what would happen.”
“So then go be a fucking family again. Lying to me is the worth thing. Thought you knew that from last time. And here I am, made foolish. Yet again. I’m mad and you but madder at myself….
…actually no, I’m matter at you. You were actually going to tell me that to my face? Have you decided to move back?”
“I was – it would have been better than this. I have thought about it.”
“Then come here and explain it to my face.”
“I will but I can’t tonight. I am sick. I wanted to come yesterday but was unable because I started to feel ill. My work was miserable today. I’m sorry it came out like this but I can’t drive right now.”
“Hey I already knew you were lying to me. I knew when you came up with a series of bullshit excuses why you couldn’t talk to me. And then you tried to suggest you didn’t know where they were. I’m not stupid.”
“I don’t think you are. Have to rest. Willing to continue anytime.”
“You must thing at some level I am because you lied to me. How on earth did you think that was going to end well, if you ever valued our friendship. So why would I want to continue this with you? What do you have to tell me?”
That was the last text we exchanged that night.
The next morning he still hadn’t responded so I sent “Those weren’t rhetorical questions Tony.”
He said “Hey. Feeling much better. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. And you’re right I was going to have a tough time telling you. You became a large and important part of my life and it sucks that you’re so mad.”
“Your use of the past tense makes it even worse. And you did plan for this. You made a deliberate choice again to deceive me. And I bet you wouldn’t have told me if I didn’t call you on it.”
We did exchange more texts during the day, mostly him saying he would “try” to come that night and me insisting there was no try, there was give me a fucking ETA.
To his credit, he did show up, and I had just gotten started with what I needed to say.
The pictures for this series are from the Cary Grant movie “My Favorite Wife”.