communication is not easy in dating

Two hospitalizations in a week. (1 of 2)

If you don’t know the back story, you can read about Ian and I first connected on Bumble and how his lack of proactive communication started to make me antsy.

If you don’t know who Tony is, well when you have a spare five hours you can read our saga by going to my Lovers page… or just using the Tony tag (but it sorts from newest to oldest…working on finding a plug-in to change that!)

This past week I didn’t have much to do in the evenings, other than work and a few other truly value added activities which I discussed in my last post.

But it wasn’t as undramatic as I may have left you believing. I dealt with two hospitalizations.

I had reached out to Ian and said I didn’t mean to bug him but could he confirm which night we were going to see each other next week.

Nothing. Not that afternoon or night. I knew he was with his kids in the evening but usually someone can find 30 seconds to fire off a quick text.

I thought it was discourteous.

Next morning? NOTHING. So I was left assuming it meant he wasn’t interested… because ignoring a direct question for that length of time is surely not a good sign.

Feeling irritated and a bit petulant, not wanting to let what I perceived to be bad behavior slide, and most importantly, wanting some kind of explanation of how we went from two great conversations and a feeling of mutual interest in meeting, to silence, at 11:30am I sent:

“So I’m assuming from your silence you’ve changed your mind about meeting me?”

I had lots of work to do so managed to not look at my phone every two minutes for a response. Three hours later, I got this:

“Sorry I fell asleep putting the kids down last night and my day hasn’t been going as planned. My cousin had a bad reaction to meds today and went into full seizures and stopped responding for what seemed like forever. Emergency call later and I’m with him in the hospital now and he’s getting testing. Really scary as I thought he was dead in my arms at one point.”

The text was far too long to be bullshit.

I simply said “Oh my I’m so sorry. Do you need anything?”

He said “Something strong. I’m trying to get tickets for Tuesday. So either way let’s get together Tuesday after work”.

So I said “Sounds perfect. I will count on Tues. Do let me know if you need anything…Even temporary distraction. I’ve found it’s times like you are experiencing that it sucks to not have a spouse as default help or support.”

See? I’m usually very empathetic and try not to be an asshole.

He said thank you and then a bit later asked if I could talk. I wasn’t in a meeting so gave him a call from work. He was stressed and gave me the story of what happened. He asked my advice on how to deal with a couple of things, and I gave it freely.

I told him I felt like an asshole cynic but I come by it after too many bad experiences, and he laughed and said he knew his text could have sounded like an excuse. But we didn’t dwell on it.

We were both pleased to have a first date finally locked down for 10 days after we connected on line. Far too long for my liking, because a) you have to figure out a communication cadence that works for both, b) if you communicate too much you risk getting ahead of yourself before you’ve even met, and c) I like to know one way or another if something is worth my time.

BUT.

It is what it is. I heard some of your feedback on my previous post where the men said loud and clear it means nothing to put in little or no effort before a first date. So I will put aside my preferences for minimal proactive communication (yes, that’s slightly sarcastic) and just see what happens next Tuesday night.

So the first hospitalization wasn’t particularly traumatic for me. But the second one was, and it will be my next post… but I’ve spent too long indoors on this glorious Spring day, so you (and me) will have to wait.

27 thoughts on “Two hospitalizations in a week. (1 of 2)

  1. And again a cliffhanger. But an even worse one than usual. Because sex, I can wait to read, but health? I’m too empathetic for that! Ugh!
    I hope all is weel (I’m assuming things have calmed down otherwise you wouldn’t be outside enjoying the Spring weather.
    Do keep us posted!
    XO

  2. Communication in the early stages of dating makes me nuts. I’ve never figured out the right way of it so I’ve kinda given up on dating in general for a while.

    Good luck sorting this gent out. I’m a little behind reading

    • Thank you Cara… I polled a couple of girlfriends yesterday and they both say “no way” did they think someone should be in contact every day after a date was set. Now in Ian’s case, I was waiting for him to confirm, but it just goes to show how different our habits and expectations are. No wonder it’s so difficult.
      I’ve given up on dating too, really… This is the exception because he dared respond to my Bumble message before I deleted the app 🙂

      • I don’t know. I guess I’m such a texter that I like hearing from people. I’ve had guys text a lot… Until we meet and then nothing. I need someone who has a similar communication pattern.

        Dating is for the birds. I’ve pretty much settled into being single for the duration. At least I know I’m good to myself

        • I like hearing from people too…not too much, but a little bit is nice. And agree, I’ve had men go completely crazy with declarations of all sorts of things then poof! gone.
          That’s a good way to think about it! I do hope someone crosses your path who can make you happy… it’s nice to have that kind of companionship every once in a while.

    • Words are always helpful when related to things that tell me how you think, what interests you and how you express yourself. If we sync on that, I expect we’ll meet quickly. Too much chit chat (texting and talking) without the meeting takes up too much time especially if there are other connections and constraints. It can make me weary and leery. “Good morning beautiful” without the meeting adds nothing. For me, it’s on par with the profile response of “hi” and makes it less special if there are a few “Good morning beautiful” ‘s. Certain gestures do have an effect though. Ann’s gesture of understanding a difficult time and offering what she could is an example, but that circumstance is rare. Otherwise, the best gesture is early meeting, followed by little gestures if there is real chemistry.

      • Unfortunately in this case we couldn’t meet quickly, and what we were trying to set up as a first date wasn’t the easiest thing to sort out in advance. I normally would not have so much communication with someone in advance, but that’s because I would be meeting them for coffee within a matter of days and then none of this would apply.
        Although I will say, some men have the art of pre-date communication perfected… not making it rote, but making me feel like they are appropriately excited to meet me.

    • I think it’s a pretty clever form of seduction pre-date to be in touch briefly but regularly. To know you are on someone’s mind and they are thinking about you? Damn if that’s not going to make someone feel amazing. It’s a nuanced art, but I’ve been on the receiving end of it and when someone does it well, it’s very powerful.

What do you think?