The slowest dating start, perhaps ever.

Well, that’s what it feels like right now. This. Is. Super. Frustrating.

Back to the first conversation Ian and I had. We’d talked about concerts we’d seen and those on our list. I told him the only remaining musician on my concert bucket list is Prince.

Prince is dead. Fuck.

We joked a bit back and forth and said goodnight. The last text I sent him that night was a Prince meme.The next morning, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew he wasn’t going to be an overwhelmingly attentive texter, but he also didn’t strike me as a player.

While normally I would just wait to hear from someone the next day, this time I was curious what would happen if I texted him. At noon, I said “Hi Ian – how is your day going”. He responded pretty quickly and we exchanged text messages for a while. He mentioned helping a family member with introduction to new technology, so I took the opportunity to ask him if he was much of a texter himself.

He said “I do text and stay current on tech as much as possible. I’ve gone android over Apple.”

That wasn’t quite what I meant. I also figured I should give him a chance, so I said:

“I was asking a more personal question… Some people like to send good morning and good evening texts and sometimes text throughout the day. Others not so much. I’m somewhere in the middle – back to back meetings is not often conductive to personal communication :)”

And he said “I do enjoy both space and communication… But can be a little much if it’s all the time.”

We exchanged a few more texts then I signed off, telling him if he wanted to later, perhaps we could talk again. He said that sounded great.

No phone call, no text.

Again, I neglected my own guideline – my gut was not telling me I was being deliberately ignored. I honestly get the sense he has no idea how much he should be in communication if he actually intends to date a woman. Could be completely wrong, I do know that. I don’t have much to base that opinion on, and I think most of it is wishful thinking.

That night at 10:10pm I’d had enough waiting and figured I would set an example of what I wanted, so I sent him a good night text. He replied right away with “I was just going to do the same but the time is late. So yes. Good night. I’m up if you want to chat for a sec.”

Late? Just after 10pm? Okay….

I gave him a call and we talked for 90 minutes. It was a fun conversation, with some banter and flirting. Case in point: when I asked him what being a Sagittarius was all about, he said “well the symbol is an arrow, which means I’m good in bed”. It was the first sexual reference he’d made.

We talked about getting together the following week. I’m able to move something around so he said he’d get back to me about which of the two nights we discussed would be better. He sounded keen to meet.

We “stalked” each other on Facebook on the phone, to much teasing about each other’s profile photos. No, we aren’t Facebook friends, but I noticed the next day he had friend requested me. So far, I’ve not responded.

I told him I liked getting good morning and good evening texts. Figured we’d see how he did with that.

The next morning, there was no “good morning” text. I sent him one and he responded with “good morning sunshine”. There was some interaction but not much. That night at 1pm he sent me “Hey Good Night”. I was working late and we told me about the things he did with his kids and some news about an upcoming job.

Which felt rather intimate, for lack of a better term. Like we’ve known each other for a long time. They weren’t the kind of updates I’m used to. I don’t know what to make of it.

Today. No good morning text. He obviously didn’t get the memo, or doesn’t care. Capable of learning, this time I didn’t send one to see what happened.

But when I saw the news Prince died, I simply texted him “OMG Prince died”. Two hours later he responded with a message with a Prince story. We exchanged notes about each other’s day and he told me he had his kids and was off to cook with them.

The last thing I said, since he didn’t mention text week (despite assuring me he would know today) was “…. I don’t mean to bug you but do you know about next week”

I haven’t received a single thing since. I know he’s with his kids, so definitely didn’t expect a whole exchange, but now I’m annoyed since both my personal trainer and nanny are waiting for me to get back to them about next week.

So. I don’t think it’s ever taken someone so long to bloody well confirm a first date.

And to sign us off, the one and only Prince:

62 thoughts on “The slowest dating start, perhaps ever.

    • Well I have Liam next week so a but different than if I was holding a night free, but I agree with you. If I don’t hear anything the next morning I will go ahead and book my personal training appointment.

  1. My trainer would tend to be the priority for me. But we meet at 6 am and my DH is out the door to run by 5 am so my calendar is always clear. Sounds like a nice guy for whom dating is not a priority?

    • I had decided I would take an evening to meet Ian, even though I have my son. But don’t want to make it even later which it would be if I also book my trainer after work (I can’t do beforehand). But I’m going to just book him at this point.
      And yes, perhaps you are right about the prioritization. It’s a bit confusing to me, even with my relative chill right now.

      • From the numerous conversations I have with close friends every week about dating, I get that it’s a huge challenge these days. Communication styles, kids, jobs, lives, etc. For me, I wonder why be on a dating site if you’re not really interested in actually dating?

        • He said he was just trying it out, his sister had been encouraging him to go online. He said he deleted Tinder after meeting 3 women and none of them being “real”. He was finding the same thing on Bumble. Given the nature of his work, he meets a lot of women that way, so I don’t think he’s needed dating sites.
          Or so he says.

  2. I’ve said it before: I think Texting Messaging may be the worst invention to ever happen to dating. I’ve seen so many problems caused over different people’s expectations about texting. Texting too much, not texting enough, when to text, what to text, how long it takes someone to respond to text, etc. Just so much drama.

    My recommendation, especially in the early stages of dating, is to just keep it functional. Text to arrange dates, confirm dates, and maybe to say “thank you/I had a nice time” after a date. Other than that, just skip the little random texting inbetween and save all conversations for when you’re actually together in person (where it counts).

    • I don’t disagree at all which is also why I was trying to suss out what he expected with texting. People can be so different with it.
      For me I would agree that I tend to keep things functional, the challenge I had with Ian was we couldn’t have a date to meet that was close.

    • Great advice J.R. Ann, you are expecting too much and you haven’t even met the dude. “The next morning, there was no โ€œgood morningโ€ text.” “Today. No good morning text. He obviously didnโ€™t get the memo, or doesnโ€™t care. ” You are not keeping it functional…Oh, and I got to see Prince live back in 97…one of the best concerts ever…

      • I think I need to write another post on this. Perhaps you will still think I’m needy but this was less about a good morning text and more about proactive communication. When someone is interested, pre first date or after, there should be some proactive communication on both sides. Doesn’t have to be a lot – I don’t want to invest much before I’ve met someone – but this is an exception. Most men who are interested pre date want to make damn sure you know they are interested and are keen to secure a meeting. There are very few I can think of who weren’t in some kind of regular contact.

        • Let me remind you some more what you wrote: “I honestly get the sense he has no idea how much he should be in communication if he actually intends to date a woman.” “That night at 10:10pm Iโ€™d had enough waiting and figured I would set an example of what I wanted, so I sent him a good night text.” Why are you waiting for a guy you have never met yet?!? You say it’s more than a good morning/good night text..BUT it’s NOT…You are wanting him to be thinking about you and it appears you are expecting him to be thinking about you all the time. BUT HE HASN’T even met you so I hope he’s thinking about HIS kids, HIS dreams, HIS life…not yours….Relax, relax, relax….Just let it happen when it’s supposed to happen…

          • The reason I said I think I need to write another post on this is because I’ve obviously left an impression (given what I said and didn’t say) that I expect someone to be in constant contact and thinking of me all the time before having met me, which is NOT what I expect nor what I would want. If they are, I’m on a crazy train and I’ve had enough of those.

  3. I think you need to show this guy you do not chase, he should. Make your plans and let him learn if he wants you he needs to pay more attention to what will get you.

    • Agreed Sandy,
      I think what has had me altering my course with him was I sense he hasn’t dated much and doesn’t realize what he might need to do to show some interest before our first date!! Or I’m just making excuses :/

  4. I’m not sure why you’re letting yourself get frustrated here. It’s way too early yet to have any expectations regarding his communications with you.

    Firstly, as you yourself have said before, there’s no way to know if there is real potential or chemistry with someone until you have face to face contact and interaction. I myself do not engage in much ongoing texting or phone conversations with a woman I haven’t met in person yet because it could be a total waste of our time. Just enough to establish it’s worth setting up a coffee date is sufficient.

    Secondly, unless he’s explicitly told you otherwise, he may well be talking to other women besides you.

    In either/both cases, having the expectation of good morning or good night texts at this way early stage? Nah. After you’ve actually met for a date and established there is chemistry and you want to keep seeing each other, sure. Otherwise, there’s no reason for confusion or annoyance on your part yet.

    • I don’t expect exclusivity at all and hope I didn’t leave that impression. BUT honestly, if you like a woman and can’t have a first meeting for ten days after first contact, there should be at least some semblance of demonstrating some interest on a regular basis. That’s all I’m saying. I’ve had men with no romantic interest in me use the “good morning beautiful” text just to keep me in some kind of holding pattern.
      And secondly if you say you’re going to confirm a date then damn it you should do so, or get in touch that you don’t have it figured out yet.
      And the other thing is for me and other busy people who are often parents, sometimes the only time you may have to send a quick text to let someone know you’re thinking about them is right when you get up and when you go to bed. I definitely don’t expect endless communication before a meeting, nor do I want it.

      • I know you’re not looking for exclusivity, and that’s all the more reason there’s no need to expect good morning and good night texts from a guy you haven’t even met in person yet.

        Again, I have no problem with the idea of demonstrating interest on a regular basis–once you’ve actually met the person and determined there is chemistry and a desire to continue seeing that person.

        That said, it was rude of him not to respond at all to your text about setting up a date, but then again, that in and of itself is your answer.

        • Not sure if you’ve read the other comments. My expectation was less about good morning and goodnight texts and more that going silent when in theory you dig someone and want them to know it seems like a poor choice. Surely there needs to be a little bit of proactive contact on the part of both people to even get to a first date?

          • Well, as I said his lack of a response to your text about setting up a date tells you that you are not a priority on his radar for whatever reason right now, so make of it what you will.

            But in general with regard to communication, while I won’t presume to speak for this guy, I will say in my own dating life that I do not spend a lot of time or energy texting and communicating with women I haven’t met up with yet. I’m not going to invest a lot of time and energy texting every day with someone that there might be no chemistry or real life potential with. Instead I’m going to communicate enough just to see if there’s the bare minimum to make it worth meeting for coffee, then set the date, then that’s pretty much it until that first meeting. If things go well there, then I’ll invest more communication wise after that.

            Judging by other guys’ responses in this thread, I suspect I’m not alone in this approach. And I would probably suggest keeping that in mind when communicating with men you haven’t met yet. Yes, some might be more active with their communications before an actual real world meeting, but there are plenty who aren’t, and that’s okay too.

          • When you said “enough just to see if there’s the bare minimum to make it worth meeting for coffee, then set a date”… I agree with this. In this situation, we established it was enough to set a date, then he was very bad at actually confirming the date. But even if you set a date, when it’s 10 days out… do you just stop texting at that point?

            I’m going to write a whole post on communication intensity and frequency pre-date. There seem to be vast differences in expectations and interpretations… no wonder it’s hard!

          • 10 days out is a pretty long time, so I would probably be texting maybe every few days to just check in, say hi, and of course to confirm we’re still on the day of the actual date. Just enough to let her know she’s still on my radar and confirm the date.

          • Right. And you would proactively text, right? Not just wait until she texted you?

            That’s all my beef was about. I find when things are unbalanced (e.g., it’s always one person reaching out first), that’s not a great sign to me. That’s ultimately what was frustrating. But having not met him, maybe it won’t be a loss ๐Ÿ™‚

          • Yes, I would proactively text every few days if we’re 10 days out from an actual date. But if the expectation is that I’d be checking in every day once the date is set? No.

            Then again, I try to move pretty quickly to set up an actual date so there’s not a lot of time to draw things out or ambiguity for her to dwell upon. With this guy, the fact that he’s dragged his feet on setting up or confirming an actual date means that it’s not a priority to him for whatever reason, and therefore he should be off your radar and out of mind unless and until he responds and takes the initiative from here.

      • Michelle, you’re the first woman who has agreed that there shouldn’t be an expectation for daily communication when you are trying to set up a time to meet… can you tell me more about your opinion? I’m going to write a post about it, as I’m fascinated by how different peoples opinions are.

          • I’m not needy, but certainly will agree I sometimes expect people to act with the same care and consideration I do. If I’m thinking about you, I will find 15 seconds to let you know. Bummed it will take 10 days to meet for the first time,but excited? I will find a way to balance not getting ahead of myself but keeping that excitement stoked. If I’m too busy to text I will often take 2 seconds to tell someone I got their message and will respond later. Etc etc. That seems to be an extraordinarily high bar for people – so I continue to learn that the care and feeding I give to men I rarely get back. And yes, the level of care and feeding is vastly different pre first date versus someone I’m really into.

  5. No one will ever compare to Prince. Another ‘Day the Music Died’ and like Bowie, a big one.

    I’m a Sagittarius but never thought of using that Arrow Line. That was a cute way to try to ‘break the sexual ice’, maybe.

    As far as the good morning and night text expectations, that’s not good at this stage. In fact, at any stage. I had a girlfriend get upset when she did not get them every day, and that really annoyed me… and I love to text. And, I had slept with her, so I know what I would think if it was someone I had not even met yet. Maybe he is thinking the same thing about you not confirming his friend request on facebook.

    As far as the next week thing, you did ask him a direct question and to not answer is rude and inconsiderate… unless he lost his phone, then I guess you would have to cut him some slack. Hope you got an answer by now. Looking forward to the next installment, Ann.

    • Alright what’s the deal with Sag’s?? Anything I should know?
      And I do agree it’s sometimes hard to navigate this stuff. With Tony, he knew I liked to hear from him in the morning, and he finally told me it was stressful for him to send something before getting his kid off to school. But that he most certainly thought about me all the time. So then I knew I would hear from him later in the morning, and in turn I didn’t try to send him any questions or anything requiring a response until later. We found our groove.
      I guess what disappointed me with Ian was it seems that the time we are most likely to be on or best behavior is when we are wooing someone – you want them to know you are thinking of them and excited to see them… It’s not specifically a good morning and good night text. But practically those are the easiest for parents with busy jobs. Especially if a first meeting can’t be soon, keep the interest there! I know there’s a speed and intensity that’s far too much for me (hence my ongoing banter with Madeline) but I just want a little something!!

      • You are right about the wooing thing. Yes, you definitely want to put the best foot forward and If it were me, I would be texting you like crazy to get you into bed, and who knows, maybe you would be
        ‘the one’. Maybe he’s playing hard to get or maybe he’s dense. And, maybe he just likes the chase.

  6. I find it odd that you have these expectations or hopes of getting good morning and night texts. Just doesn’t seem like things have developed to that. You also seem to have a lot of other things going on in your life with other people, why would you focus on that with this person you barely know?

    • Either all my male commenters hate the notion or I failed to be clear enough in my post. It’s not a fixation or focus on a good morning or goodnight text. But I will say that almost every single other man I have ever texted with a goal to date has had the wherewithal to find a few moments in each day to stay in touch through texting. Many people like morning and evening because if you have kids and a busy job it’s the most convenient time. I’m not texting throughout the day usually. Men and women dating are smart to realize anticipation is a powerful aphrodisiac, and it’s important to make some feel like you are interested in them. Texting is frankly a pretty low effort way to do this.

      • And then there are surprises, men who don’t communicate often at all at firstm and when you manage to maintain your expectations as to communication, you can discover real little gems ๐Ÿ™‚
        Ok, this said, The Dancer and I did manage to arrange a first meeting within a day or so of our first encounter. And again a day later.
        And with the new guy, I actually like that he’s not too insistent with texting, because I know it’s his way of respecting my lack of free time and busy schedule.
        I would never have expected a good morning or good night text, even though I’ve often wished for a sign of some kind, I also knew that expecting it would only hurt me. But I guess the tone was set early on with The Dancer that I shouldn’t expect much. It’s only grown over (a lot of) time. It was good and taught me patience. But I know your expectations are different. ๐Ÿ™‚

        • I’m not sure my expectations are that different… everything is situational for me. I live in a world of grey so don’t have hard and fast rules usually. BUT I will say I expect some proactive conversation from someone. Usually, when you are always the one to start texting or push things forward, it’s not a great sign. That’s all this frustration is about… having some equality in moving the conversation (and first date plan) forward.

          • Yes, I know Ann, and totally agree with you. This is what happened (the reciprocity) with the latest guy. And that’s the way I’d want it. I’m not texting a guy if I don’t feel he’s genuinely interested ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Take it from me, men named Ian like to fuck with your schedules, cancel at the last minute and are crap communicators. I’ll say they are great at oral sex but horrible in relationships. I’ll save you the misery…move on…

    you’re welcome ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. I hate the whole online getting to know each other dance. I’m never sure how much communication is too much, how I know if a person is actually interested. It’s all so confusing

    • It is a dance, good analogy. A dance where you can’t hear the song they are listening to, and vice versa. So finding your rhythm is VERY difficult sometimes! Or even if you are still dancing with them :/

  9. I have no comment. None. Because I am a vociferous pre date texter that often gets me into too much trouble. Lol. Heโ€™s not exceptionally communicative. He was probably working out his own schedule.
    So even though my own text style is loaded with expectation, itโ€™s so hard to figure out anyone elseโ€™s and avoid reading into it/or not if its not there.
    Give him a little time. He had a slow start right out of the gate and perhaps itโ€™s just his style.

    • That’s the trick, isn’t it – reading into other people’s behavior. It’s hard to not ascribe motivation (something I have preached before) because really, unless someone tells us, we can’t really know WHY they aren’t doing what we expect.
      I have followed up with him when I normally wouldn’t because like you say, I think it’s just his style. Or I hope, anyway!!

  10. Actually I do have a comment. Don’t you know that a good morning text is the equivalent of “will you marry me?” Come on, I thought we all knew this!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ (and all emoticons are appropriate in early text. Especially this one โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’–โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜)

  11. I don’t like the word “needy”: it means “You shouldn’t need the things that you seem to need – there’s something wrong with you.” Sometimes “needy” behavior is reactive and unreflective, which is definitely a challenge to deal with, but that’s a separate thing. A person is not wrong or bad for needing something, but if the other person is unwilling or unable to provide it, then they’re simply not a good match. Moving on.

    I know that you know that there’s no “correct” amount or method of communication. My situation is very different, but I offer it up as an example of communication that works for the parties to it.

    When my partner was many time zones away and in a different country, we Skyped for about 30 min daily and usually had a couple of short emails through the day. No texts, but we didn’t have phones.

    My now-bf and I are also many time zones apart and in different countries. When we first got in touch, it was platonic. We quickly got into a routine of sending one lengthy email a day. A month later (by which point there had been some expression of interest), he warned me ahead of time when he was going to be offline for a couple of days. We still average one email a day, and we sometimes get into text chats on Skype, time permitting. Good night messages usually happen.

    Coming back to your post, I think it’s more an issue of whether it’s reasonable to ask the other person to adjust their behavior for you (and vice versa) at this stage of the relationship, and if so, how much. This early, I’d say their behavior just is, and expectations are tricky.

    • I agree with you about changing behavior and I’m now unfortunately quite well aware of how my histrionics and (truly temporary) petulance sounds in my prior post. What I was annoyed about was his lack of confirmation of which date we were going to try to get together…and lack of communication as to why it was taking a while.
      But I know I didn’t write that.

What do you think?