I’m filled with words but they’ve stayed in my head so far. They are no good to anyone there. The inability to talk about the aftermath of a relationship gone wrong is very difficult. To be clear, I’m able to write, but I promised I wouldn’t. It’s the first time I ever agreed to be muzzled but when I fear for my reputation and my safety, it wasn’t a hill I was going to die on.
There’s a lot more to talk about than Tony, but right now I want to talk about him.
I’ve seen a lot of him lately. On a particularly difficult night, after receiving some threats I texted and called him and asked if I could stay with him. I thought I’d be fine, but alone in my house late at night, I realized I wasn’t.
I knew despite everything that happened between us, despite breaking up with him not once but twice, he would keep me safe. I knew even though I was running to him for protection from another man, he would be there for me.
I could spend a lot of mental calories being bothered by the fact that he’s not bothered about me being with others… But it seems rather pointless. He provided what I needed – security and comfort.
He still does.
He is, essentially, my protector. Last night we joked he could pre-screen my dates next time. We could “tinder” together. I sighed and said as much as I appreciated the sentiment, I wasn’t so comfortable with that thought, and even less so with the thought that it didn’t bother him at all.
I suppose that’s the kind of relationship we have now. I’m one of the most important people in his life. We are friends and lovers, with a shared history and relationship. A symbiotic relationship.
He is my protector, and I am his muse.
He stayed with me a few nights in a row when I felt the most vulnerable. While I told myself I wasn’t in immediate danger, I didn’t know for sure, and it wasn’t a time for strong woman heroics. I didn’t want to let Will (my ex) know what was going on; I never know when his response will be judgment instead of compassion. More importantly, I didn’t want to translate any of my fear or concern to my son Liam.
So Tony quietly showed up and stayed overnight, leaving before the sun, and my son, were up. He stayed without complaint. He did it willingly, saying he wanted to be sure he could keep me safe. Shockingly, we didn’t even have sex two nights in a row. We kissed and cuddled and fell asleep.
When the fear passed, the regular contact remained. I think we have spoken almost every day. I will send him a text to tell him I hope his work goes well the next day, and he will ask to call me. We have slipped back into something. But what?
I refuse to think about this as Chapter Three. He hasn’t moved forward, and nothing has changed. I know this to the core of my heart. There is no hope.
It wasn’t a throwaway comment in a recent post, but when I mentioned I might not even want the big fish if I caught him, I meant it. Something has changed for me, and it’s rather fundamental. With distance (and perhaps some pointed questions from my Mother), I realized since I haven’t ever really had the opportunity to have Tony in a full fledged integrated relationship, I don’t actually know if it would even work.
So why would I yearn for something that is truly untested and perhaps going to fail? And no, I’m not saying I don’t love him. But sometimes love is impractical.
All that to say, I’m perfectly at peace with where things are at today. Tony makes me feel secure, and loved, and sexy as all fuck. I feel like a goddamned rock star with him. He adores me, respects me, and looks up to me. He says I’m his muse.
I have made no commitment to him. I don’t have a label on what we are, and that’s fine. I can do what I want with others, when I want. But Tony is there for me when I need him.
I’m sure some day it will change. I’m being very aware of how it makes me feel… if I get back to yearning for more from him, I know I need to dial it back. The thought of going back online is so unappealing right now, but I know it’s temporary. And that’s okay too.
For now, I’m okay who have a protector, and I’m okay to be a muse. Especially because I can be a muse who has time with Lewis, and who is meeting a former blogger who also called me his muse (you can read two of the poems he wrote about me on my Awards & Nice Things page).