i quit online dating

I didn’t even last a week online dating.

It has been over a month after the final blowout with He Who Shall Not be Named. While I feel different and very tentative about dating, earlier this week I thought why not just open up my dating profiles again and see what happens.

The last time, I met someone who seemed awesome pretty quickly. Given my dating rules, online dating doesn’t take up much time or energy. It’s pretty low stress. I know we had debates here whether I was ready, but it wasn’t a big deal to me.

I thought I’d try out a relatively new site called Bumble. In theory, it’s better for women because, while like Tinder in that you both have to “swipe right” for a match before you can communicate, unlike every other dating site, the woman is the only one that can initiate conversation. And you have 24 hours to do so.

So yes, you avoid the endless inbox of corny, bad, or inappropriate opening messages from men you have no interest in.

Within the first hour of “bumbling” I found both Jason and #14….and they both connected with me. Big fucking deal, I talk to both of them anyway.

I quickly came to hate Bumble.

First of all, my dating guidelines require I know something about the man and what he’s looking for. You’re lucky on Bumble if they tell you this. It’s like Tinder in it’s shallowness.

Second, my dating guidelines also require I don’t message a man first, because I remain steadfastly convinced that unless someone has the bandwidth (often restrained because they are talking to so many people) or the interest (only indicated by liking me) AND the boldness (someone who is willing to take the plunge and communicate first), they aren’t for me.

So here I am in the situation where I have to reach out first. Yes, while these men all in theory have “liked” me, swiping right is a game for many and I know of men who swipe right to absolutely everyone.

What did Bumble get me? Two funny conversations with exes. One conversation that went nowhere, and another that had potential until he just faded away. The rest of my “connections” just sat there mute, ignoring my opening lines.

Bumble should insist that the man have 24 hours to respond to a woman’s opening volley. Why like me if you don’t want to fucking talk to me?

So fuck that shit. I got a number from the one guy who at least seemed to want something similar, and deleted my profile 4 days after creating it.

I opened up Plenty of Fish and literally closed it back down within 30 minutes. It’s funny how many of the same men were there. It was just depressing to me.

I lasted a couple of days on OK Cupid, but that too delivered nothing but a feeling of “oh my god I soooo don’t want to deal with any of this crap right now”. But I did notice that HWSNBN had been online the first day I was – we still had a mutual like from before – so I unliked him and blocked him.

I’m glad he’s online, because it means I’m not in his line of sight anymore. Thank fucking goodness.

Maybe next week things will change. I have learned predicting when my internal tides will change is fraught with inaccuracy.

A friend yesterday referred to Tony as my security blanket. He’s comforting, but I am finding my own necessary distance from him as much as I can. Lewis and I are seeing each other tonight; joining us are Clark and another non-frequent bisexual female lover of Lewis’s. Gulp.

At least if I’m going to not be online dating, I can still have some great sex. Right?

26 thoughts on “I didn’t even last a week online dating.

  1. Oh god. I’ve had the same experience on Bumble. Why aren’t any of my matches responding to me???! I even contacted Bumble and told them I thought I had a bug in my account, because I get such a small response rate to all the opening messages I sent out. Their response? A canned message that recommended making my opening messages “memorable” and “interesting” so that my matches will want to respond. Um, first of all: My messages are interesting and conversational, and invite a response (usually contain a question). Secondly, WTF?!

    Unbelievable. I have much better and more frequent interactions on Tinder.

    • Right? Me too! There is a certain brutal honesty to Tinder that prevents it from slipping into the sleeziness of the other sites. Which is saying a lot, having Tinder as a benchmark…

    • Oh your comment made me laugh… not at you, just in recognition. It totally sucks ass that someone bothers to “like” you and then doesn’t talk to you!! What I’ve done the last few times is recognized when I was talking to “enough” people and then I stopped swiping. But I suspect people get caught in thinking the next person will be the perfect one. They can’t stop. And then you end up connecting with way too many people. I know, I’ve been there…

      And yeah, that’s bad when Tinder is better :/

      • Totally! I really don’t understand it. Still dealing with complete silence from all but 3 or 4 of my Bumble matches. It makes me wonder if they just aren’t getting notifications and/or aren’t even occasionally checking the app…..

        • Could be. I would also bet that most people swipe right even once they are talking to a number of people, so it’s difficult to actually carry on a conversation with all of their matches. We become compelled to keep swiping just in case the next one is “the” one. But hard to find out when they don’t respond to you. I’m sorry.

  2. Yes I have come very close to closing both my POF and OkCupid profiles for good a time or two, (or three)! It does get to be meticulous and boring to find the same people, different day. And Tinder is a joke! Seems that those I may chat with a bit one day who are fairly close to my area, end up 6350 miles away the next day. Weird! And it seems to be riddled with fake scammy profiles lately. I haven’t tried Bumble, but I’m not sure I will.
    I’ve met two from OKC in the last month. One was a no sparks result, and very mediocre (and regretted) sex with. Damn hormones got the better of me!
    And the other, I’m just not sure about yet. But I’ll find out towards the end of the week on our second date.

    • Bumble is good if you get offended by the ridiculous messages you get from men. But I’m not that fragile (and anyway, they make for good blog posts). I don’t like rejection (who does?!) so seeing that someone has liked me then ignore me is just not cool with me.
      Bad sex is the worst. I’m sorry.

  3. Well I think you know my response …. bumble is ok in a really large city, I don’t think it’s any different than tinder. POF is just creepy. OKC, until this month, has never served up any worthwhile men. My jury is still out on OKC.

    So, perhaps in your city you can have your criteria but where I am – I don’t think I would get a date if I expected to learn about the man before the match (like OKC) and even then, I don’t buy in the match %.

    Anyway, I wonder more what gets any of us to a point where it’s just not in us to troll through the websites and deal with the nonsense that dating requires. I was out of it for months but now seem to have a renewed sense of stamina to deal with the online crap.

    If you need a break, take it. When you are ready you will start again.

    And the HWSNBN cracked me up!

    I hate those apps that can tell who has been in and when. It’s disheartening to the most stoic! No one should know.

    • My summation is bumble is good if the opening lines from men bother you. But otherwise, it’s not different from Tinder. Agreed.

      POF isn’t creepy lol… I do think it has such a large audience that you get a wider range (which includes yucky). BUT I won’t write off POF since I met Tony and Fox and other quality guys there.

      I know you don’t like OKC. I haven’t met as many men from there, but the statistical stuff is powerful if you’ve taken (and they’ve taken) the time to answer enough questions. I love being able to see what people think on different issues prior to engaging.

      All apps tell you when someone is online or has been online, I think. With POF and OKC I think you have to have the paid membership, and yes, then you realize how much deception exists with online dating.

  4. Please do kiss and tell and let us know how your evening goes! I very much appreciate your complete lack of sexual inhibition. I had one glorious night with a woman like that…I met her ironically enough through OKC. She just liked sex and wanted to have as much of it as she could with anyone that she found interesting. I’d never met a woman quite like her, and we rocked each other’s socks from midnight until 6AM non stop. Unfortunately for me, she met a guy right after me and fell head over heels for him and that ruled out a repeat for me.

    Every once in a while I think it seems like a shit ton of fun to be able to date, meet new people and try out new things. Online dating from a man’s perspective is like having a catalog of women to look at and choose from. Of course an intelligent man knows that not all or most of those women are available just because you like them, but the potential seems fun. But then I read a lot and hear a lot of stories like yours from the woman’s perspective, and it seems like an absolute wasteland of despair and assholes. Of course I’ve been around enough to know that in fact most men are creeps and assholes, so it isn’t surprising to find that that’s the way they are in online dating.

    The funny thing to me is that as a nice guy it’s hard to get dates, where creeps and assholes seem to have no trouble in that department.

    • Post is up!! I’m sorry about that partner, it’s too bad when you meet someone like that and they aren’t available to you for very long.

      I wouldn’t say it’s a wasteland of despair and assholes. I think you get a good showing of the range of people out there, both good and bad. And sometimes it’s easy to let the bad stuff get us down, but I try not to.

  5. I absolutely loved this post. I use Tinder because its mainly the only one I have time for with my busy schedule. It’s shallow, I agree. However its super easy to weed people out. The pluses: I did meet my last boyfriend and now ex on there who was absolutely delightful person but horrific in the bedroom, we dated for 8 months before the lack of chemistry and time imploded the relationship. I still talk to my first ever Tinder date, an absolute sweetheart who I fell in love with at first site and still crush on to this day. Nothing romantic has happened between us, but I fantasize about him and blush whenever hearing his name. I’ve had great one night stands, and I’ve had “eh” first dates that didn’t get a second date. So far its worked well for me. I have not tried this Bumble, but I hate messaging first, chivalry can’t die out completely, and if they are interested they should message. I’ve not had good luck with OKC. I used it back 5-6 years ago and met two guys I went to college with and dated them several times, one fizzled out and both are now engaged in long term relationships. When I moved to the west coast, I tried it and hated it and deleted it after 5 days. Have never tried Plenty of Fish. I did Match.com for a year, dated a nice guy for a few months before I got a job on the west coast and moved away. I just felt everyone was way too focused on a serious relationship and I’m just not ready to “settle” just yet. I always get antsy after being exclusive for a few months.

    • Thanks for sharing that history!! It’s been a real journey for me over the last almost three years. If you read my posts from the beginning of my post-marriage dating journey, it’s WAY different from today. All I wanted was casual sex and dating, and I got a lot of sex 🙂

    • I’ve met quality men on POF and OKC. I don’t like Tinder and didn’t use it for very long. The point of my post was more that I’m not particularly into being online at all right now.

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