This title made sense to me in the late hour I was drafting notes for this post, but today when I looked again I laughed out loud when I saw “slow” and “quick” in the title. I’m leaving it flawed, because it seems appropriate. I’ve never pretended to be anything but.
I’ve seen him again. More than once.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation, what the hell I’m doing, and I come up devoid of the words to make sense of it. I will most certainly write more about it, but what I know is it’s doing more good than harm – for the moment.
The next time I saw him was ostensibly to catch up. He came over to my place, we talked and had a drink. Given the fuzzy state of his normally bald head, I asked if he wanted me to shave his hair.
We hadn’t touched each other other than a brief hug hello.
I didn’t assume we would have sex, although in hindsight I should have known better. I’m not sure there’s ever been a time he’s been in my house and we haven’t had sex, except the time I broke up with him the first time.
The hair cut involved him sitting on the edge of my tub, me with one leg between his, leaning in close as I wielded the shaver. It is an intimate act but I wasn’t attempting seduction.
Coming out of my bathroom he stopped me by putting a hand on either bicep, and he stood close, facing me. He looked at me intently, leaned down ever so slowly to kiss me. It started tenderly, then more intense.
The sex was good but more comfortable and familiar than anything else. I thought of as my face was buried in Tony’s shoulder as we moved in harmony on my bed. I thought of how different their physicality and their sex was. I pushed those thoughts out of my head to focus on the moment.
Tony often wakes up very early the nights he stay over – 5 or 5:30am. The next morning I had an important early meeting and didn’t want the disruption to my sleep, so we decided it best that he leave.
It also felt as if I was crossing an self-set line should he stay over. Conversation and sex is one thing, losing myself overnight in the comfort of his bulk and his furry chest takes me to a place I’d rather not visit.
I left the interaction feeling I would be fine. I knew nothing was going to change with him and there would be no progress any time soon regarding the final ending of his marriage. I even texted Hy that there was no pull anymore.
It’s genuinely how I felt at the time, and it felt good. I thought I had things under control.
We kept in touch regularly but didn’t text frequently.
Occasionally he would be very flirty via text. It always caught me off guard. I wasn’t really sure what to do… I didn’t want to ignore it but also didn’t want to respond in kind. Finding the balance that didn’t get me sucked into more stuff with him was what I was gonig for.
He invited me to an overnight with him. It was too much for me.
I said “been thinking about your invite. It’s so tempting. I know we would have an awesome time. We always do. Falling back into intimacy with you is so goddamn easy. Because of all those things I think the aftermath of an overnight with you will be too difficult for me.”
He said “I didn’t want to put that pressure on you. Just knew I enjoy the drive and night with you. Let me know if you change your mind and I can reschedule.”
Given where things stood with the other man I was dating, my mind was set – for the moment.