The slow sucking of quicksand…

This title made sense to me in the late hour I was drafting notes for this post, but today when I looked again I laughed out loud when I saw “slow” and “quick” in the title. I’m leaving it flawed, because it seems appropriate. I’ve never pretended to be anything but.

I’ve seen him again. More than once.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation, what the hell I’m doing, and I come up devoid of the words to make sense of it. I will most certainly write more about it, but what I know is it’s doing more good than harm – for the moment.

The next time I saw him was ostensibly to catch up. He came over to my place, we talked and had a drink. Given the fuzzy state of his normally bald head, I asked if he wanted me to shave his hair.

We hadn’t touched each other other than a brief hug hello.

I didn’t assume we would have sex, although in hindsight I should have known better. I’m not sure there’s ever been a time he’s been in my house and we haven’t had sex, except the time I broke up with him the first time.

The hair cut involved him sitting on the edge of my tub, me with one leg between his, leaning in close as I wielded the shaver. It is an intimate act but I wasn’t attempting seduction.

Coming out of my bathroom he stopped me by putting a hand on either bicep, and he stood close, facing me. He looked at me intently, leaned down ever so slowly to kiss me. It started tenderly, then more intense.

The sex was good but more comfortable and familiar than anything else. I thought of as my face was buried in Tony’s shoulder as we moved in harmony on my bed. I thought of how different their physicality and their sex was. I pushed those thoughts out of my head to focus on the moment.

Tony often wakes up very early the nights he stay over – 5 or 5:30am. The next morning I had an important early meeting and didn’t want the disruption to my sleep, so we decided it best that he leave.

It also felt as if I was crossing an self-set line should he stay over. Conversation and sex is one thing, losing myself overnight in the comfort of his bulk and his furry chest takes me to a place I’d rather not visit.

I left the interaction feeling I would be fine. I knew nothing was going to change with him and there would be no progress any time soon regarding the final ending of his marriage. I even texted Hy that there was no pull anymore.

It’s genuinely how I felt at the time, and it felt good. I thought I had things under control.

::

We kept in touch regularly but didn’t text frequently.

Occasionally he would be very flirty via text. It always caught me off guard. I wasn’t really sure what to do… I didn’t want to ignore it but also didn’t want to respond in kind. Finding the balance that didn’t get me sucked into more stuff with him was what I was gonig for.

He invited me to an overnight with him. It was too much for me.

I said “been thinking about your invite. It’s so tempting. I know we would have an awesome time. We always do. Falling back into intimacy with you is so goddamn easy. Because of all those things I think the aftermath of an overnight with you will be too difficult for me.”

He said “I didn’t want to put that pressure on you. Just knew I enjoy the drive and night with you. Let me know if you change your mind and I can reschedule.”

Given where things stood with the other man I was dating, my mind was set – for the moment.

46 thoughts on “The slow sucking of quicksand…

  1. I’m starting to wonder, not just about you, but also about me… Is it ever uncomplicated? The men… The stupid feelings…. Does it ever wear you down? I’m feeling old right now.

    • I don’t know Caroline…I did think about it today, that I’ve reached a new place after this crap with Sevag. While I’m sure if I wasn’t busy with a few existing players, I may want to keep myself occupied on a dating site, BUT… I’m in a place where Tony’s simplicity is really appealing. I know exactly what it is and isn’t. There’s something great about that. Right now I have zero interest in occupying my time with new men right now. Yuck.
      I don’t feel old, but I feel tired of this stuff…

      • I hear you, Ann! I too have not much interest in new men right now and I am content with those I already have in my life. Sure, I want security and closeness, but I’m certainly not going to settle. There’s a man I met in passing at work that stopped me in my tracks recently. I sure hope I see him again. There was just something about him….

  2. I understand completely. Going back to something old and familiar, after having a disappointment is understandable. (Even if that “old and familiar”, is not always really the best option either). I have done so myself many times. i only have one question, I am a bit confused… is Sevag the same as Ali…. Sorry if I am a bit “slow”, I have read all the posts from recent weeks but perhaps I missed something. Take care of yourself and your heart. 🙂

  3. Sigh! It’s only as complicated as you make it.
    But I do understand the pull of Tony, because he gets you and you click. I also completely understand the reasons why you didn’t want to stay with him until he’d sorted his shit and was ready to make you his priority rather than his ex-wife (or not quite ex).
    I wish for you things find a resolution soon. Because I know that feeling of ease and just enjoying the moment. And… it does do good to one’s heart.
    Hugs Ann.
    XO

    • It’s actually uncomplicated right now, which is why it’s fine. I know what this is, and what it isn’t. He’s not trying to pull me into anything (although yes, could just let me go, I suppose) or cajole me. I don’t have hope that something has changed, nor that it will. For now it’s just nice to have a familiar and comforting presence.

  4. I didn’t see that coming. HA!
    It sounds to me like your head is in a good place. Glad to hear it.
    At the risk of bringing up unpleasantness, have you heard any more from Sevag? (Inquiring minds, and all…) 🙂

    • Since we agreed on the steps I would take regarding my blog (name change, removing any reference to nationality, breakup posts password protected), he sent me a goodbye email and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week.

  5. I’m going to say it flat out–fuck that guy, and not in the literal sense. He knows he can’t give you what you need, he knows the depth of your feelings for him and how hard it is on you, and what does he do? He continues to flirt with you, invites you on an overnight, and leaves the invite open when you decline?

    Tony is not a good guy. He’s a selfish prick. If he truly cared about you more than his own selfish wants, he wouldn’t keep doing this to you. He wouldn’t keep dangling the carrot in front of your face, knowing full well it keeps you on his line and keeps you from moving on. And because of your feelings for him, it is extremely difficult for you to resist his pull when he does this to you.

    If he was a good guy, he would either shit or get off the pot. He would either realize that he loves you and do whatever needs to be done to truly be with you, or he would let you go completely, as hard as it would be for him. But he’s doing the selfish thing, he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He is demonstrating that he only cares about his own wants and needs, and not yours.

    Fuck. Him.

    • I admire you for not sugar coating things Josh…. But then there’s the pull of the heart and the deep friendship connection that Ann needs in her life now I do believe. Tony does give a shit what happens to her. She needs a rock so to speak. If she’s happy with the way things are, then I don’t knock her for it. She knows what is and isn’t going to happen with him right now.

      • Tony may care in his own way, but what he’s doing is selfish to the core. Ann has admitted that Tony still remains in control of her heart, regardless of what her head knows will or won’t happen with him. And he knows what she feels for him, and for him to not give her what she needs or let her go completely is just selfish and ultimately cruel in the long run.

        There is no good end game with this. If she doesn’t date anyone new, she’ll remain stuck feeding off the scraps of what Tony gives her until it reaches a painful breaking point again. If she does date anyone new, it is doomed to fates similar to Fox or Ali, since her heart will still be with Tony and nothing truly sustainable can grow from that.

        This is nothing more than trading long term emotional and relationship health and stability for short term expediency. Tony isn’t Ann’s rock. He’s her crutch. But unlike a normal crutch, what is broken cannot heal properly as long as it continues to be used.

        • just a wee comment about Sevag… it wasn’t Tony that doomed that relationship. And Fox wasn’t the right guy for me either. Definitely Tony kept me from emotionally diving in with both feet, but I’d argue those relationships would have died anyway.

          • Yes, they would have ended due to other factors, but the point is that even if those guys were the right guys, your heart still being with Tony would have still doomed them anyway.

          • I would argue that you did prove it, though. In the case of both men, at times even when you were with them, you were still thinking of Tony. And how could you not? You’ve never given yourself the time and space necessary to heal from Tony and let him fade enough to be truly ready for someone else in your heart.

          • I’m going to think of him for years… Same as with some others, I just don’t talk about them. It fades – the frequency and intensity – but it’s always there. I carry them with me. I know you’re saying I haven’t done what I need to let him go but I believe he won’t ever be gone. Are there things I could do to accelerate that process? Yes, for sure. I suppose right now I just don’t value getting on the other side of it enough. Because once I decide I need him evicted as much as possible, I will do it. I’m a woman of action.

          • >It fades – the frequency and intensity

            Right, and that’s the point. Of course Tony will always be in your heart to some degree. All the great loves of our lives are to one extent or another. But with time and distance the frequency and intensity of him in your heart will fade, until he occupies just a corner that you think of fondly from time to time. That’s as it should be.

            But that cannot take place as long as you keep him actively in your life now. You don’t want to let him go yet, so you’re going to have to let this play out until you get hurt and disappointed again to the point that your level of disgust (for him and yourself) is greater than your need for temporary comfort. It just is what it is.

    • I have to think about this take on things… perhaps he believes I’m strong and making a very conscious decision to spend time with him (which is true, I think) and therefore doesn’t think it’s his place to do something “on my behalf”? I dunno Josh, I’m just thinking about how to think about it. I don’t plan to fall down a rabbit hole with him.

      • I know you have your expectations in check about Tony. But it’s about how continuing to keep him in your life as you are keeps him in your heart and therefore keeps you in a state of indefinite emotional limbo. I just don’t see any good end game to this. How does this play out to a logical conclusion that doesn’t end in more hurt and disappointment?

        I think if you play every possible scenario out in your mind here you’ll find the only one that ends well is if you count on somehow hanging in long enough for Tony to decide to make the big leap with you, which you’ve already dismissed as a likely outcome. And every other scenario that could play out is trading temporary comfort at the expense of long term emotional health and happiness.

        • I agree that makes sense assuming I’m still in the place where I’d like to be in a committed and serious relationship with him. I think that’s starting to shift for me, and I need to write about that.

  6. Josh sounds like a therapist, counselor, or psychologist with his good, but hard-to-accept, words of wisdom. A lot of other readers agree with you but it’s good to hear the opposite even if it’s difficult. He makes some good points and you could say them to Tony next time you’re in your difficult positions with him. Good luck!

    • Absolutely, it’s something I encourage and it helps me think about things.

      And I know if I said tomorrow to Tony I needed to back away again, he would completely understand why I need to do it.

What do you think?