Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony

I’ve mentioned Tony a few times here and there since our breakup, but mostly in passing. I guess I felt like I was in pretty good mental shape when it came to him (Tony, that is), so I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying or analyzing.

I saw him a few weeks after our breakup, at the end of January.

I can no longer recall if I mentioned the Valentine’s gift I bought for Tony. It was a vintage Hermes tie with a cactus and hedgehog pattern. Simply perfect…me as the cactus and him the hedgehog. I once said to him even if I was a cactus I would be dying from his lack of care and feeding. It became a running joke between us.

I told myself there was nobody else I could give the tie to, and since it was vintage, I couldn’t return it. I told myself I just had to give it to him and I wanted to get it over with. I had my son Liam with me for two weeks straight since Will was travelling, so my choice was to have him come over one night after Liam was asleep.

Tony ended up in my bed. It’s just so bloody comfortable with him, it’s not surprising it’s going to happen. I can’t fool myself anymore that I can see him in a private venue and not have sex happen.

It felt like yet another goodbye…a test of how I would feel afterwards. How did I feel? Nostalgic, but not hopeful. It had been nice to get caught up after a few weeks of virtually no contact. But I was okay with where things were, and I knew I’d made the right decision to not be with him anymore.

I laughed the next day when he sent me a morning text that said “Your ninja cactus has bitten me twice and already drawn blood. Well trained.”

In early February I drunk texted him from a sporting event. It was fairly innocuous text chatter, prompted (I told myself) by him being my date the last time I’d seen that particular team.

And then again, drunk a few days later (it was quite the week) I again reached out. I told him I had to move forward and assume there was no hope for us, but the thought of not talking to him was incredibly painful.

Annoyingly, he was sweet and supportive.

I impulsively asked if he wanted to know if I was dating someone. He said “of course…because at least in that scenario we are still talking and not gone.” Weirdo.

I texted him on Valentine’s day, in my funk of thinking about him and lost in the other guy’s crazy behavior: “Thought I might hear from you today but regardless, wanted to wish you a happy Valentine’s Day, Tony. Hope it’s been good”.

No response. The next day, feeling sorry for myself, I simply texted “:(“

He apologized, saying he wasn’t sure when to reach out and when to remain silent. Fair point.

At this point I’d reiterated with the the other I couldn’t be exclusive. And not sure what exactly prompted it this time, but I again reached out to Tony. We joked about the Valentines’ gift.

We talked about seeing each other but work intervened and it didn’t happen. It was just as well. We had a phone call instead. It had been three weeks since we’d spoken and it was nice to get caught up, frankly. He always made me laugh.

We kept up a steady but infrequent text exchange over the following several days. Nothing flirty, just updates here and there.

I suppose I could say that any contact with Tony made things harder for the other guy. I’m sure some of you reading would think that’s the case. But I wasn’t feeling as if there was any real hope of rekindling our relationship. It felt like a friendship more than anything else. Simply a connection with someone I care about, who makes me laugh, and who is interested in my well-being.

I’ve been telling myself that. It was true for a while, definitely. But I’ve seen him twice since and now I’m not quite sure if I’m doing myself harm. More to come.


[Image is from “Night of the Living Dead”, which is no longer under copyright. Sometimes I learn something new searching for images!]

26 thoughts on “Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony

  1. If you can enjoy the connection for what it is, and truly you do have a great friendship with Tony, and as long as you can do this without feeling like your heart is going to break or it doesn’t feel heavy with sadness after seeing him, then I don’t see any harm in continuing. But what do I know? Maybe you need to keep him around as sort of a touchstone of sorts. It’s hard to just cut all ties with someone who is/was so important to you.

    • That’s the stuff that’s on my mind right now – up until now with all the other stuff going on I haven’t been over analyzing it. It has just been nice to talk to him and be in touch.

      But the frequency of contact has now increased and it makes me wonder what the heck I’m doing. I’m not that sad after I see him. It’s been nice. And I’m monitoring myself pretty closely 🙂

  2. There IS something to never completely severing the ties. It also says something about Tony, though I’m not sure what at this point. I love the Tony stories, and I’m sorry that he isn’t in a place yet to be anything more. I agree with jcisme – if you can do all of those things mentioned and still be “okay” at the end of the day and it’s not hurting you…then perhaps it’s a good thing?

    • Tony is content to see me and I suspect if I continued this way it would be perfect for him… He gets to interact with me on a regular basis, yet we don’t have a commitment to each other and I’m not asking much of him. I am not sure I can keep myself in his place. Just trying to figure it out… But I’m still reeling from all the drama with Sevag.

  3. To put it bluntly, I don’t think you have any hope of truly moving on from Tony and being emotionally ready for a healthy relationship with someone else until you cut ties with him–at least for a lot longer than you’ve been able to thus far.

    You may say that even with talking to or seeing him you don’t still have hope of rekindling your relationship, but that doesn’t matter. He still occupies your heart, and remaining in regular contact with him keeps him there, regardless of whether your head tells you there’s no hope for the two of you. And as long as that continues, it will taint any other possible relationship you could try to cultivate.

    I can understand why it’s so hard to let him go completely, but you’re fooling yourself if you think you can just transition like this to being friends in any genuine or healthy sense. Maybe one day, after a long enough time of “cold turkey” has passed. But it’s fallacious to think you can take the love of your life thus far and just turn him into a friend so soon after being romantically involved together.

    It may suck, but going cold turkey from Tony is the only way you’re truly going to get emotionally healthy and ready for someone and something new down the line. Otherwise, if you continue as you have been you’re going to stay trapped in emotional purgatory.

    • Yup yup yup.
      I’m saying the same things to myself Josh. After the drama with Sevag I’m honestly not interested at the moment in finding someone new. Perhaps there is comfort in what’s known… Not limited to Tony but Lewis and others as well.

      I don’t feel like I’m in purgatory, but I do know what you mean.

  4. It’s like you were doing a live action contrast and compare. Sevag came out on the short end of the stick, in spite of him providing an over abundance of what Tony lacked. And yet – the inescapable thoughts of Tony, still not nurturing that ninja cactus. Hmmmm . . .

      • I would have been just fine I think had Sevag paced himself in our relationship. I would have worked myself away from Tony as I had been doing, and I was okay with that. But yeah, this wasn’t a case of me not giving Sevag a chance because of Tony, that’s for sure.

    • I don’t feel like I was doing any kind of comparison that was negative for Sevag. Only the kind of normal stuff I do with every interaction I have with men. And Sevag was doing really amazingly well and I was very happy to be exploring a relationship with him – until he went overboard the weekend we went away and then spiralled into a jealous mess. That had nothing to do with Tony.

  5. Ann I just read your password protected posts. I know what Sevag did was out of control and a lot of people seem to feel that he wasn’t right for you anyway and that Tony is taking up your emotional space (which I agree with) but I think the whole thing really brings up a serious issue in your life which is your blog. This is now the second time that your blog has had a very uncomfortable effect on your life (oh wait a minute maybe 3rd? what about Johnny ID?). I was just thinking about how it would feel if I was dating someone that I was really into and they were acting kinda of reserved, and then I went online and found a blog where they were talking candidly about how they weren’t that into me and how they were focusing on other lovers and there was a crowd of people liking and commenting and approving of the things they were saying. That would be completely emotionally devastating for me. Did you mention to Sevag that you had a blog? I think that in the future you may want to find a way to keep your blog completely confidential to your dating partners. Even though it is important in your life, I think you need to see it as a private activity, as it is really a diary. If you post something that you would not want a guy to see, then you should not have it available to be viewed publicly. Maybe password protection is the answer, or maybe less identifying details, or…I don’t know but I suggest that it may be a good idea for you to figure that out. I wouldn’t want to see this continue to mess with your relationships. Tony has never found your blog because he is not as interested in you as these other guys

    • Given the experience I had with Fox, where I trusted him with the knowledge of the blog and despite all his promises, he couldn’t handle it, I was very careful to not mention anything to Sevag about the blog. I didn’t even mention writing, or reading blogs, or anything that might make him think about blogs and me in the same vein.

      I made a dumb mistake which was I had one link between a real life social media account and a blog account. It took him hours to troll through my accounts (which I hadn’t shared with him either), but he found the connection and my friends blog and then found me there. It was an incredible long shot, but it was my own stupidity.

      I don’t at all think it would be comfortable to be in Sevag’s position. I have great empathy for it, as I had my own experience in dating a blogger (Johnny Id) and reading painful things on his blog (and vice versa, for sure).

      I try to keep things anonymous and non-identifying for a reason. My goal is to keep it completely confidential from my dating partners and to ensure that nobody can track my blog to me or to them. And it’s absolutely on my mind to figure out how to keep everyone safe.

      With regard to Tony? It’s just not his personality to spend time hunting for something like that. I don’t think it’s because he’s not as interested.

What do you think?