I feel different than ever before.

I’m sure part of this is about work, and how much energy – emotional and intellectual – it’s taking at the moment.

I’m sure part of this is about the series of unsuccessful experiences with men. I’m not going to say “failures” because I don’t think of them that way – I always learn something (even hard lessons), and that’s never a failure. Fox and the last guyΒ were just too much bloody drama at the end, despite promising beginnings. It’s exhausting to deal with.

I’m sure part of this is a result of having a relationship off and on with the same man for over a year, with the ultimate frustration being I haven’t been able to know what it’s like to be with him in a serious and integrated relationship. I’ve been so focussed on trying to get what I want I haven’t stopped to think what would happen when I get it. But that should be its own post.

I’m sure part of this is a natural thing to go through after a couple of years of being single. It seems many of us go through the same phases post-split. I started with get-my-mojo-back-who-cares-about-relationships, to trying dating but not being very selective, to not needing the ego boost of having a carousel of men but not having ultimate success with those I do date. Perhaps I’m just moving into the next phase.

I’m sure part of this is because I there are a few lovers already hanging around. If I want to get laid I can – although not as often as I’d like, but that’s usually the case. None of them are really boyfriend material for me for a variety of reasons, but the result is I am not bereft of male attention.

But for whatever reasons, the thought right now of reopening a dating profile and meeting new people? Ugh. No.

I have nothing against online dating. It’s a great source of men, including those with potential. I don’t have much interest in seeking anyone new through any channel.

I suppose if something happened organically – met a man at an event, that kind of thing – I’d certainly be open to it. I’m just tired of the shitty opening comments online and having to ignore even the nice-but-not-interested types because they don’t understand I’m just being polite. I don’t want to be propositioned for sex. I don’t want to hear from someone with potential and wonder what red flags are just waiting to be uncovered.

I don’t have the emotional capacity to manage any of it. The intensity of my work life is plenty, it takes an enormous amount of energy, and my son Liam needs what remains. My friends and family come next.

Who knows, next week I could be in a different place. I’m not so foolish to expect this to last. It’s been a couple of weeks now and the feeling still holds.

Ultimately, having sex with Lewis and others, even having some quality time with Tony – it all comes up empty for me. Many orgasms, some cuddling and good conversation, sure. The sheer fact that time with Tony doesn’t hurt me – there is no yearning aftermath where my heart cries for more? That alone tells me something.

I’m engaging with Tony and have some more to write on our conversations. But this isn’t chapter three.

We haven’t re-started our relationship, there’s been no commitment. I’m the only woman in his life, other than his wife. He knows the reverse isn’t true. He is letting me take the lead on how much we are communicating and seeing each other. Naturally – he’s not one to make something happen (or stop happening) on his own.

I feel calm and slightly unemotional, more than anything. My heart is safe at the moment.

Spending time with these guys? It’s nice and it’s chill.

But you and I both know I’m not chill; this won’t last. But for now I’m enjoying feeling muted.
(Oh, and all the pics from this series are from Night if the Living Dead… I figure zombies are appropriate on multiple levels)

37 thoughts on “I feel different than ever before.

  1. Just enjoy and continue to not over think it. What Tony is able to offer you is exactly what you are needing right now so just let this happen. It will only become an issue once you want more and are needing a commitment but that’s not what you are looking for from him or anyone right now.

    I do secretly hope though that the stars align and timing is such that when you are ready he is too. πŸ™‚

  2. You know, yesterday I was rereading a post of mine because Dana talked about flaws. It’s a post I wrote almost a year ago, in which I am having doubts as to how much longer this non-relationship with The Dancer is going to last. Fast forward to now… I am in love, but so is he. He hasn’t said so with words, but there are so many other things that scream it that I’m fine with it. Do I have doubts? Yes, but I realize they’re often more about me than about him or what he gives me.
    Like you, I have no clue what life will be like once I get what I want, but, unlike you (or like you too?) it’s because I have no idea what it is that I want. I am making no plans and just taking it one day at a time.
    He is there, I know he’s not exclusive and that’s fine with me, he knows I may not be either, though for all intents and purposes I am at the moment, and that’s fine too.

    One of the reasons why I am not seeking more sex is that I am so damned busy at the moment. But it isn’t so that he isn’t jealous (I think he quite enjoys the idea of me being with others and telling him about it), but it’s for me, because I realize that I don’t enjoy sex for the sake of sex any more. I get so much more with him, the deep connection is what I’m really after, not so much the physical act. And he also provides me with enough, physically, that I don’t crave more πŸ˜‰

    All this to say… yes, we all go through phases, and I totally get you not feeling any pull to open your profiles again.
    One thing to consider maybe: could it be that the lack of pull to open your profiles again is because, deep down, you have found what it is that you were really looking for, the deep connection we all seek?
    I’m just asking because I hear The Dancer tell me so often that “it’s strange, with me he never has any ED, but with others it happens…” and I want to laugh, because I *know*, I feel why it may be different with me than with others. Could it be that it’s the same for you?

    Sorry, words pouring onto the screen, thoughts straight out of my head, they may not make much sense, and I have to go back to working…

    The most important thing to take from this comment is: do what you feel is right for Ann NOW. Who cares about tomorrow, or about anyone else? It’s for you, and it’s now. If what feels right is not doing anything, then go with that πŸ™‚


    • Thanks for a yet-again very thoughtful comment, Dawn. I don’t actually think I’ve found what I’m looking for. I think I’ve spent so much time yearning for more with Tony I haven’t stopped to think about whether his characteristics are what I would actually want in a committed and long term relationship. Which is okay, it’s just an important realization to have.

      • Very important, indeed πŸ™‚
        The most important thing is for you to figure out what you’re looking for, and/or move onwards and forwards looking for it.
        But… it’s sometimes not easy to figure out what it is that we want. I had no idea. A year ago I thought about breaking up with The Dancer just because he said he didn’t want to commit. Now… he still doesn’t say it, but words and actions are here to show me he is committed. And I didn’t change anything, just realized that I wasn’t ready for a full-on relationship any how.
        I don’t know if Tony is the man for you. But I know that I keep discovering things about The Dancer that make me like him even more! Little things. Details. But things that contrast so starkly from my ex that… πŸ™‚
        I think it’s good that you ask yourself whether what Tony brings to the table is what you would like in a committed relationship, whether you could live with that. But it’s also important to remember that, whatever happens, both of you will change along the way. So the things you don’t enjoy right now may not be there in a few months, years, decades. Or you may have learnt to get around them. I asked myself that question when I wanted to know whether I could live with the fact he didn’t want to commit. Could I live with going on vacation by myself for the rest of my life (it seemed to be the thing that I was most stuck on)? And I realized I didn’t have to go by myself, there would still be my children, my friends. AND, most importantly, it may be like this now, but may change in a few months/years time. Maybe he’ll want to go on holidays with me at some point?
        All I know is that, right now, I’m gaining much more than I’m lacking. And that’s all I need.
        So I’ll take him as he is right now, keeping in mind that he may change with time, and I may like some of these changes and dislike some of them, at at any time, we both have the choice to call it quits.
        Granted, I also am at an age where I don’t have a strong push to get pregnant, have more children. I have accepted that phase of my life is over, which may not be the case for other ladies reading this. I do understand that, for them, the pull to be in a committed relationship is stronger. For me? No rush towards anything.

        I guess my point is: It’s fine having an idea of what you want and where you want to go, but… be careful not to let overanalysing things block you form enjoying what you have when you have it. You have no way of knowing how things/people will evolve beforehand.
        Sit back and enjoy life πŸ™‚

  3. Since your separation from your ex-husband, how much time have you spent truly alone? Meaning – no sex, no dating, no online profile, etc.

    • No sex? Gah. The thought….

      I was pretty much truly alone for many years in my marriage, but I know that’s not what you mean.

      Not any extended period of time without any of that, to be honest. Here and there. But I’m okay with it…

      • Sometimes taking a true timeout helps reset things. I read your words and after reading them for months now, my impression is that you are stuck in a cycle that revolves around a man. What if you just stopped? Stopped analyzing, stopped giving yourself away, stopped trying to fit square pegs in round holes?

  4. You poor thing. If getting laid was all you needed, well, you wouldn’t need anything but you need more than that and of all the guys you’ve written about, yup, Tony’s the one who really floats your boat in every imaginable way… except he’s not cooperating or going along with your agenda.

    So, yeah, at some point, you get kinda numb about what your heart really wants and that you’ve confessed to not thinking about what you were gonna do with Tony if you got him tells me that you didn’t think this through as much as you assured me you did, which doesn’t surprise me – that’s a symptom displayed by people who are busy thinking “me” and not “us;” when you think “us,” what you’re gonna do with someone when you get them becomes kinda obvious because you’re already thinking in that direction.

    So he can’t or won’t commit to you – or submit to your will and agenda – and you feel as if you don’t need any commitment, that you have enough other resources to have guys to hang out with and, yes, to sleep with, and you believe that with all you’ve got going on in your life, this is really enough; you can hang out with Tony, sleep with him, and believe that you’re not trying to restart an engine that, in fact, has been running the whole damned time.

    I’m thinking – and I could be wrong – that what’s natural at this point is you finally stopping long enough to really figure out who and what you really need and how to best go about that without embodying the definition of insanity – again.

    See, if you had listened to me when I wrote you and told you to just go with the flow of things minus your agenda, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I adore you and want the best for you so I’m not busting your ass, saying that you’re weak, or other such things… but I am reminding you that sometimes, dearest woman, none of this is about what YOU want – it’s about what you can do and who you can do certain things with; it’s about working with what you have on hand and then doing the best you can with it until something changes or something better really does come along.

    And maybe you’re now beginning to understand this – I hope. We will see…

    • “you can hang out with Tony, sleep with him, and believe that you’re not trying to restart an engine that, in fact, has been running the whole damned time.”

      This is probably the best sentence/fragment I’ve read in the time I’ve been following.

    • you know I was good with your agenda until I found out there was another woman on the other side who would have seen me as “the other woman”. I couldn’t deal with the deceit.

      But yes, I may do the best with what I have. Or not πŸ™‚

      • “My” agenda? I don’t have one other than getting you think about stuff. Okay, you get perceived as a threat… an occupational hazard we’d love to avoid but, eh, we can’t all of the time. To that I’d say it’s not your fault she can’t take care of her man and the price of that failure is always someone else will take care of him.

      • Just as devil’s advocate, you did say he had his own place apart from his (ex)wife. So, if he truly doesn’t stay in “their” house with her, then regardless of marital status – how can you be responsible for a perceived deceit? Truly, if this were the case with me – I’d have to assume the possibility that he’s seeing other women. Living apart IS a separation, is it not?? And absolutely nothing can be assumed in a separation, except that there may be “others”.

        • Yes Tara, I went through all of this in my head at the time. What bothered me the most was HE was letting her believe / actively promoting a belief that wasn’t the truth. And he admitted it to me because if she actually knew the nature of our relationship (exclusive, went on trips, etc), he felt it would threaten his status with her and his freedom to see his son. That was the real reason… He is lying to her through omission AND until he was willing for her to know, I wasn’t going to meet friends or family. We got stuck.

  5. I read these “Tony” posts, along with the comments, and don’t know what to believe. At times I think,”That poor bastard. He can’t break the long held ties with his wife to have what would seem to have a fantasy relationship with Ann.” Other times I’m angry,”You f-ing bastard, playing her, to have your cake and eat it, too!” ….and sometimes I throw my hands up and think,”This can’t be real!!!”

    • I hear ya nbratscott… I too wish he would finally realize that he wants to be and deserves to be so much happier than he is now in staying married. But we all know that it’s a complicated process with him getting divorced and his child involved, etc., etc.

  6. I kind of get where you are, only I don’t have the opportunities for physical release but same boat…why go through the hassle right now..or later…or ever…

    but as you say, tomorrow you may feel differently or another opportunity may come up, online or in person…

    in other words, it sounds like you are where you need to be now and going forward ((hugs))

        • Keep reading… With space from him and a bit more clear headed looking at him and how he is, I’ve realized a relationship with him isn’t going to be filled with sunshine and unicorns…

          • I know what your head is saying….I am just saying if it was me, I don’t think my heart would ultimately give up it’s grip – and I don’t think yours has either.

            Your approach is very logical and I understand what you are saying. But it’s still rationalization as long as you are in any form of relationship with him.

  7. It sounds to me like you’re in a pretty good place right now, just taking it easy (at least with regards to Tony, other men and dating in general) and not forcing anything. You sound content and that makes me smile πŸ™‚

  8. I’m really not surprised that you’ve fallen back into intimacy with Tony. What’s different is him knowing that you may have sex with and date others.
    I’m curious whether sex with Tony still feels as electric and exciting as it used to, or whether things have simmered down to a comfortable pleasure. I might have misread it, but I recall you alluding to such.

    • It’s been different, actually. I’m not willing to do some of the things I may have done before with him – dressing up, toys, etc, because I kind of feel that he doesn’t get that extra part of my effort when there’s no commitment between us.
      However there is still electricity for sure. But my heart isn’t in it the same way.

  9. Ok I am finally devoting my eyes to all things Ann. Sorry but life imploded and well, it would be nice to switch off and read about someone else’s drama for a while (and I mean that in a good way). Can you send me the password? I need to get caught up on everything that transpired b/c I know so much has!!! Is Tony really back?!?

  10. I feel the same way, but I did start a dating profile and began dating a few men. Now there’s several that I’d like a second date with, one man who I’ve been seeing regularly, but it feels like I don’t have the time, energy, or even want to date all the sudden. I’m exhausted at just the thought.
    Maybe we need breaks?

What do you think?