I’m sure part of this is about work, and how much energy – emotional and intellectual – it’s taking at the moment.
I’m sure part of this is about the series of unsuccessful experiences with men. I’m not going to say “failures” because I don’t think of them that way – I always learn something (even hard lessons), and that’s never a failure. Fox and the last guy were just too much bloody drama at the end, despite promising beginnings. It’s exhausting to deal with.
I’m sure part of this is a result of having a relationship off and on with the same man for over a year, with the ultimate frustration being I haven’t been able to know what it’s like to be with him in a serious and integrated relationship. I’ve been so focussed on trying to get what I want I haven’t stopped to think what would happen when I get it. But that should be its own post.
I’m sure part of this is a natural thing to go through after a couple of years of being single. It seems many of us go through the same phases post-split. I started with get-my-mojo-back-who-cares-about-relationships, to trying dating but not being very selective, to not needing the ego boost of having a carousel of men but not having ultimate success with those I do date. Perhaps I’m just moving into the next phase.
I’m sure part of this is because I there are a few lovers already hanging around. If I want to get laid I can – although not as often as I’d like, but that’s usually the case. None of them are really boyfriend material for me for a variety of reasons, but the result is I am not bereft of male attention.
But for whatever reasons, the thought right now of reopening a dating profile and meeting new people? Ugh. No.
I have nothing against online dating. It’s a great source of men, including those with potential. I don’t have much interest in seeking anyone new through any channel.
I suppose if something happened organically – met a man at an event, that kind of thing – I’d certainly be open to it. I’m just tired of the shitty opening comments online and having to ignore even the nice-but-not-interested types because they don’t understand I’m just being polite. I don’t want to be propositioned for sex. I don’t want to hear from someone with potential and wonder what red flags are just waiting to be uncovered.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to manage any of it. The intensity of my work life is plenty, it takes an enormous amount of energy, and my son Liam needs what remains. My friends and family come next.
Who knows, next week I could be in a different place. I’m not so foolish to expect this to last. It’s been a couple of weeks now and the feeling still holds.
Ultimately, having sex with Lewis and others, even having some quality time with Tony – it all comes up empty for me. Many orgasms, some cuddling and good conversation, sure. The sheer fact that time with Tony doesn’t hurt me – there is no yearning aftermath where my heart cries for more? That alone tells me something.
I’m engaging with Tony and have some more to write on our conversations. But this isn’t chapter three.
We haven’t re-started our relationship, there’s been no commitment. I’m the only woman in his life, other than his wife. He knows the reverse isn’t true. He is letting me take the lead on how much we are communicating and seeing each other. Naturally – he’s not one to make something happen (or stop happening) on his own.
I feel calm and slightly unemotional, more than anything. My heart is safe at the moment.
Spending time with these guys? It’s nice and it’s chill.
But you and I both know I’m not chill; this won’t last. But for now I’m enjoying feeling muted.
(Oh, and all the pics from this series are from Night if the Living Dead… I figure zombies are appropriate on multiple levels)