Intimacy with friends and lovers

I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy. How we build it, and what happens when its destroyed. How we simultaneously can want it, and shrink from it.

It can be fucking terrifying, yet freeing.

Many people were surprised I would spend a weekend away with someone so early in our relationship. I wanted to see what it would be like. What he was like, and what we were like together. It’s hard to be only on your best behavior for four days. And given his early declarations of love for me, I was very keen to suss out whether my gut was wrong: could he actually be needy and in love with love?

Hyacinth has said to be a few times that I am exceedingly diplomatic and take a scientifically analytical approach to things. She’s not wrong, I just hadn’t thought about it that way.

I suppose my decision to go away with him aligned to that. I figured I’d have a good time with him, but it was also research.

One day I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom with the door open. He came in and then asked if I minded if he peed. “Yes, I actually do mind, and I can explain why in a minute” I said, and he graciously exited.

I came from a marriage where we often peed in front of each other. Will once had to take a splinter out of my ass…which I hadn’t noticed for a week. It was pretty disgusting. That’s when I knew maybe my ass was too big. I would occasionally see to his pimples.

Way back when we were first together, starting to get comfortable with one another seemed the natural development of a serious relationship. It seemed like intimacy. I remember when it felt good to be able to “just be myself”, even if that meant losing concern about whether I farted in front of him.

It wasn’t these things that created our sexless marriage – but I have come to believe that pimples and farting and splinters out of a loved ones ass run counter to passion.

So no, I don’t want to see him to pee in front of me. He understood when I explained it to him.

Yes, I’m okay with someone seeing me without makeup, and occasionally in sweatpants, and when I’m sick. But I don’t think it can hurt to be mindful of the little things that can erode the delight of a lover.

But are you able to not fart or poo for four days? It’s a little difficult sharing a hotel room with someone when you’d prefer if they didn’t know what your shit smells like. I’ve come to hate bad hotel room layouts and weak exhaust fans. I’ve become pretty good at knowing when I need to release some gas and how to hold my ass cheeks apart to limit noise.

Yup. I went there.

Oh, apparently I also snore. Fucking sexy, right?

Friends are a slightly different story, but I’m still not going to let one rip sitting on the couch next to a girlfriend.

Perhaps this stuff is practical intimacy – getting to know the day-to-day of someone. I’m not so afraid of this, with the caveat of the boundaries above.

Emotional intimacy is a whole different thing. So many of us are afraid of it. What happens if we let someone in? They could reject us. Once we’ve shared our deepest thoughts and fears with someone, that rejection becomes personal.

I don’t feel afraid of this. I know what relationships are like when it’s absent – Tony being the most recent example – and I missed it. Fox and others told me what I wanted to hear. But Sevag is different.

Our similarities in how we think creates quick comfort. I’m less afraid to tell him about my feelings and my thoughts because I feel he truly understands.

I missed him this past weekend. A good sign I think.

But I’m still not ready for him to know what my shit smells like.

38 thoughts on “Intimacy with friends and lovers

  1. Ann, after a long hard day at work, thank you, I needed to laugh. The part about holding your ass cheeks apart to fart… I’ve been guilty of doing that too, but it backfired and made it noisier somehow. (Yes I know, bad pun!) Anyways… I agree, with what you are saying about being too comfortable with these sorts of things.

  2. “I’ve come to hate bad hotel room layouts and weak exhaust fans.”

    Dying here!!! This line had me cracking up. Maybe you should add this in the “special request” section when reserving your next room 😉

  3. It’s funny because everyone says they laughed, and… I took it pretty seriously :-/
    I guess it goes to show I’m really tired and should take that darned nap before it’s too late. 😉

    Or that I disagree to some extent. I don’t think that this is the sort of intimacy that needs to be experienced very early in a relationship, but I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that would make a relationship sexless.
    Being there for the other is something that I find important. Especially when they need you. And the splinter in the ass is probably part of it in my world.
    If you go there otherwise, I think seeing your wife give birth to your children is pretty traumatic, probably more so than a mere splinter. And I have a problem with that, because it brings back bad memories. My ex wasn’t able to be there for me during labor, but wouldn’t allow anyone else to be with me.
    As far as my marriage is concerned, I don’t think it’s the smelling the other’s shit that really made the difference. Mine could have smelt of roses, he would have found a way to make fun of it. It’s just his spiteful ways. Oh, let me stop talking about this man and this relationship, it’s only making my heart heavier!

    So, to get back on a lighter subject. I’m not looking forward to The Dancer smelling my shit, or my farts, for that matter, but… I don’t think it’s all that bad either. I decided not to worry too much because, with all the things he does to me, there are noises that are made or uncontrollable… I’m not going to feel ashamed by them, it would ruin the moment way more than any bodily noise that can be made.
    Basically, I decided I’m who I am, and my body is what it is. Like it or not. Let’s ignore it or laugh about it together. 🙂

    I’m not saying I don’t feel self-conscious when I need to go to the loo when he’s nearby. I’d rather he doesn’t hear strange noises. But I’m not letting it weigh too heavily on me either. I just want to be free.

    Sigh. Such a serious comment from me, isn’t it? 🙂

    So, let’s talk about something else. You missed him? Yes, I’d say that’s good news! 😀

      • I do understand that 🙂 And I agree.
        I’m not looking forward to doing any of the aforementioned activities with The Dancer. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him go into a loo while I was with him. Goes to show we don’t spend enough time together, doesn’t it? 😉
        What I meant was: I’m like you, sensitive to the idea, but… I decided I wasn’t going to pretend I was a woman I’m not. I do need to go to the bathroom just like anyone else. The big difference (and something I really appreciate with him) is that if I do have to go, he just takes it for what it is, a need, and waits patiently, instead of making me feel like an annoyance because my body has needs. It’s refreshing, at least to me. 🙂

        • Oh sure, I don’t try to pretend anything… but I also make sure I keep some mysteries alive too. Even with boyfriends I ensured as much as possible I tend to trimming lady bits and keep legs shaved and wear lingerie and all those things…

          • I know, I do the same, at least now. Though I’m lucky that when it doesn’t happen, the shaving, he doesn’t mind too much. It must be said that I did get laser hair removal, so it’s only very few hair here and there who decided they’d put on a show. Barely visible even after a week. But I do get what you mean.
            However, I realise, after a year, I also think it’s more important I’m there with him when he arrives, and relaxed, rather than worry because one of those things didn’t happen. Or even worse, cancel because I didn’t have time to make it happen. But again, we’re talking a year’s worth of ‘relationship’ against what, a month?
            I think I’d feel really silly cancelling because I didn’t have 15 minutes to shave. And he’d disapprove too.
            As for lingerie… if I don’t have time to find something suitable, it’s easy enough, I just wrap myself in a towel after my shower 😉
            That’s the bonus of having him come to mine 😉

  4. I agree wholeheartedly. The mysteries of the bathroom are best left a mystery. My ex and i used to pee in front of each other. My husband and I do not. He’s my first love – and that’s how I preserve the romance and the heat between us. (Farts notwithstanding.)

  5. That made me laugh out loud because I distinctly recall two things over the past year: the first weekend away (with Brix) and asking my girlfriends what the hell you do in a hotel room when you have to shit (run the shower with steam!) and when Bobby entered the bathroom for the first time to pee in front of me and I was like “no way!” and he totally got it.

    I definitely think, after a long marriage, that there are just some intimate things that should wait and maybe never happen. I recall a friend many years ago telling me that after 10 years of marriage to her husband she still never let him in the bathroom to pee if she was in there and he swore he never knew when she had to shit! While I don’t think I could do that…it was enlightening how far we can take some of these things!

  6. I prefer mystery in that department. You’ll get to know bathroom habits and information about someone but I don’t need a damn partner. I never want to get so close to someone that they go to the bathroom in front of me. I say, handle your bowels as something private. There’s nothing cute, entertaining or valuable in it Waste is a fact of life and I’m not psychotic but I don’t want to smell anything bad if I can help it. I don’t have any curiosity to see your q-tips either – just handle your business until you can’t anymore. If at some point I need to take care of you and wipe and wash your ass with my bare hand, I will do it with no hesitation. I will do everything I can to make you feel comfortable and dignified and I’ll be there to hold you until you know that nothing about it matters because I love you – BUT until that point, keep some mystery babe. At some point, we will reveal and choose to accept more important personality faults – the real shit ; ) as I see it so I prefer to have someone keep their manners in the bathroom. Oh – and if you know you’re going to fart – get away from people. I’m related to someone who thought it was a joke to hold his girlfriend and his wife ( different women) under the covers and fart. I assure you that if someone had ever tried that with me, they would be hurt so bad. That’s so rude. I’m lucky that I’ve never had to have this conversation with any guy I’ve had a relationship with . Thank God!! xoxo

  7. I think it was Joan Rivers who said the secret to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms, and I say yes to that! I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here though, I think it’s just about what both people are comfortable with. My ex used to come in and have a crap while I was brushing my teeth, even though I hated it and objected, and I used to find it degrading that he would do that knowing that I hated it, like he had no respect for me. But if both people in the couple are comfortable with that, then no problem at all!

  8. It’s nice to find out that other people’s thoughts run along a similar vein as mine. I learned, through trial and error, that intimacy isn’t obtained by sharing every little detail or exposing every single reality of life.

    Also, spreading your cheeks to minimize fart squeaks is one of the best moves ever.

  9. Pactical intimacy?

    Maybe. But having grown up in a household of 10 and sharing one bathroom between us? I am neither modest nor prudish about a great many things.

    Peeing in front of someone is not even remotely a big deal to me. My spouse and I shared teeny tiny living quarters for five years, and it never mattered. I have my own bathroom these days, but the door is never closed. And when it comes to extramarital lovers, if he can’t handle doing something that basic in front of me, we are not a good match, period. Cumming is a much more involved (read: MESSY) bodily function than peeing, and one he actively participates in. So what’s the big deal? I don’t buy that it’s bad for your sex life, and no, I’m not alluding to watersports. My husband has been peeing in front of me for 13 years, and we still have (gasp!) great sex. I have no delusions that he is anything but human; nor does he, regarding me.

    As for shit… Well, it happens. Do I want to be stuck in an enclosed space and assaulted by stink? Nope. But neither will I make a big fuss about it if either of us has to go while sharing a hotel room.

    It’s called Being Human. And I see no point in pretending he (or I, or anyone else I care about) is not.

    {I normally wouldn’t bother to comment on the subject, but after reading all the turned-up-nose notations, I thought I’d offer a different perspective. I’ve never been one to go along with the crowd. 😉 }

    • I very much appreciate an alternate take on things! I don’t think in any way that for everyone, it makes a difference. I don’t even know that it will make a difference for me.

      What I know is that given I had a sexless relationship for almost 15 years, I’m trying to figure out all the little (and big) things that contributed to that, and be more cautious this time around.

      I’m certainly not a precious person, nor do I try to pretend I don’t engage in all these things like everyone else. I’m not at all sure what the right answer is lol…

What do you think?