Sevag (aka HWSNBN – read this to see what I’m talking about) and I agree on a lot. It’s not surprising; the OK Cupid match statistics revealed our “technical” 99% match based on attitudes, beliefs, desires.
One thing he told me (and it was like hearing my own words in someone else’s mouth) was he found online dating addictive. Always wondering what / who else is out there, even when you are communicating with good people. He also told me after meeting me he lost all interest in communicating with anyone else; the first time it’s ever happened for him.
I told him the truth; I had been exclusively reactive since going online, and even then responded to just a few men on the site. Only one other was someone new; the other two were former lovers who wanted to reconnect.
He knows there are some other lovers skulking around, but we haven’t talked specifics. He told me he wanted to be exclusive and I said it was awfully fast for him to ask and I had to think about it. He said he didn’t like the thought of me being with anyone else, but he would wait for me to tell him when I was ready. A pretty mature response, I have to admit.
My response to meeting Sevag makes me realize just how different a place I’m in now. I have no interest in the musical chairs of dating multiple men. Part of this is having way better dating criterion – few men actually can reach the height of the bar I’ve set, so there aren’t too many around. I’m only interested in those looking for a relationship, so I eliminate a lot of men. I’m too damn busy to manage multiple dates. I’m trying to focus on friends and family. I’m not desperate to find someone to fill my time nor do I need a self-esteem boost. I’m okay with a slow pace.
And some of it is definitely Sevag himself.
Meeting someone with potential like this? Without consciously letting it go, there is no longer a gravitational force keeping the other men floating around in the outer concentric circles of my life… They could float away and I don’t particularly care.
Since seeing Tony last week, I haven’t proactively contacted him. He sent me an innocuous text and I responded. The conversation ended after four texts. I don’t notice the time gap between communications. I think it’s been a few days but I would have to look. And I’m usually hyper aware of these things.
I haven’t proactively texted Lewis, either. Not in a week or more. He knows this Friday is the first I’ve had free in a while, and he hasn’t asked to see me. He texts me every day, always a picture of a MFM threesome, two black dudes with massive cocks and a blonde, along with a “good morning” or something equally uninteresting. I respond, but it’s become bland.
And sure, a part of me would like to have that MFM experience. I’ve been pondering whether to arrange it with Lewis before I become exclusive with Sevag. He’s not exactly one to share. But is that disingenuous? I’d like to live a moral life, and to do that feels a little grey. No technical obligation is just that – a technicality.
When I met Fox, I did what I thought was the moral thing and proactively reached out to the men I was in contact with and told them I was now seeing someone and I couldn’t see / have sex with them anymore. I cancelled on an Adult Friend Finder date because I knew I didn’t want to pursue something new. I stopped things with a few other new-ish men I was seeing because I knew they weren’t right for me and didn’t want to string anyone along.
It felt like the right thing to do. The goodbye with Tony was the most fraught with emotion, obviously.
The one exception was the Comedian, who had gone silent and I didn’t see much point. I’ve always hated being “ghosted” or discovering after the fact that someone I thought could be available to me wasn’t.
Other than Lewis, right now there isn’t anyone deserving of such an effort. One lover from two years ago spontaneously texted me last week to ask if I was interested in having sex with him again. He’s out of town and I guess he’s run out of partners. Even if not for Sevag, the thought of all that coordination is just too much right now. Blech.
Gosh, what’s happened to me?
Don’t worry, I’m still constantly horny and haven’t forgotten my kinks.
I hid my OK Cupid profile earlier this week. It had been accessible for what, two weeks? And while I used to think doing so was a signal of something super serious, now I just think it’s easier. Why not see what happens with Sevag, without other distractions? It’s not like the men won’t be there when this relationship runs its course. It’s not like this becomes some binding commitment I can’t get out of.
Now, this doesn’t mean I’ve told Sevag I’m ready to be exclusive. I truly don’t want to get ahead of myself. As I said in some comments yesterday, despite being overwhelmed with intense feelings, I’m not going to rush. For example, I’m not going to introduce Liam to Sevag until I think there’s a very good chance he’ll be around for a while. I told him I’m not ready for us to be Facebook friends. I will continue to see my friends and girlfriends on a regular basis (which should always be the case!).
And if you are wondering, he does know how recently I got out of my relationship with Tony, that it was my decision, we’d been dating for a year off and on, and it was a difficult breakup. He asked if he was a rebound but also said he didn’t think he was, based things I’ve said and how I seem.
I researched rebound relationships in Psychology Today, and it confirms what I told him and what I feel. Rebounds are defined by not being emotionally available (not true of me), inability to make a good decision about your partner (I can), motivated by fear of being alone rather than attraction and emotional connection (I’m not afraid of being alone), and anger toward the previous partner (nope).
The concern is that enough time hasn’t passed before healing and learning from the last relationship. I may not be fully healed, but I’ve definitely processed the breakup with Tony. I’ve learned from it. I’m in a good place.
Sevag has made his desires, feelings, and intentions very clear to me. I want to share some of the things he’s said, as they are truly lovely. And while I am working to allow my feelings to be felt, I’m still tempering my behaviors as a form of risk mitigation.
I don’t think I’m overthinking (that phrase makes me laugh), but it seems the prudent approach.