That first coffee date…

Sevag’s first message on OK Cupid was thoughtful, honest, and customized for me. It was, frankly, as perfect as any opener could be:

“Yes we are a match πŸ™‚ According to OK Cupid, 96%. Great! Your profile is very interesting and I would love to hear what changed or made you change for the last two years. Sounds like a conversation over a good bottle of red. 200k songs in your iTunes library? I thought I was a music fan, my library has only a couple of thousands πŸ™‚ But I can tell we have the same taste and I would love to explore that. I must say I am excited (maybe I should hold my horses for the first message, but I am who I am) and I would love to know more about you. Sevag”

His profile was well crafted and showed a man who wasΒ well dressed, in good shape, and ruggedly handsome.Β I hoped he wasn’t lying about his height being 5’10” – although I can get around someone being my height, shorter I have a problem with. My height and slender is an issue; I don’t like feeling big.

But I’m past the point of thinking height is a hard requirement. There are other things far more important – Faraway Lover was 5’7″ and he rocked my sexual world. Although of course I appreciated Fox being taller than me even in my highest heels, it only got him so far.

SevagΒ and I were a 96% match. This is not an insignificant thing, given both he and I have answered hundreds and hundreds of questions (I’m at over 1,300 now). You may know this, but OK Cupid was created by a statistician; it’s one of the things I appreciate about that site. Plenty of Fish “matches”, in contrast, are based on who has viewed your profile. It’s bullshit.

We hadΒ a relatively quick exchange on the site andΒ moved to text.

We spoke Sunday night. It was an effortless hour and fifteen minute conversation that ended only because I had to go to bed.

He has a sexy accent and a gruff voice. He’s a relatively recent immigrant here; his son and ex-wife live on the other side of the world. He is honest and passionate. We talked about what we were looking for, past relationships, and how we feel about watching porn.

I don’t think he’s a threesome or sex club kind of guy. Nobody’s perfect. And I’m not making light of or minimizing my desires, but I will take that one as it comes. I leaned the hard way it’s not a question you can really ask a man on a first date; they assume something untrue. Or they don’t like the truth and can’t handle who I am and what I want.

He spoke about the need to meet to assess chemistry. When I suggested I could find a time for coffee in the next few days, he wondered aloud whether we’d be able to kiss if we were in the vicinity of my colleagues. Because kissing is important. Chemistry is critical and we can’t really know if it exists – despite great conversations and a high match – until we see each other in person and then make a physical connection.

I’m surprised how many people think this can be judged in advance. You can have a sense of compatibility, of liking similar things, but until your lips touch, you can’t know.

I liked this guy.

He has a way of being alpha and excited about meeting me at the same time. He’s not trying to play it cool and keep me guessing – he’s not trying to be “chill”. He told me he’s honest and straightforward. All things I admire.

His schedule is more flexible than mine; I found a time where I could squeeze in a coffee date, and we were booked.

I was nervous.

He didn’t lie about his height; we literally see eye to eye. He was well dressed and on time. He kissed me on the cheek in greeting and put his hand in the small of my back to steer me into the coffee shop lineup. I like that. Is a bold and protective move.

I would be lying if I said there was an instant jolt of electricity; there wasn’t. There was no tingle when he first put his hand on my arm. I looked down at his hand and it wasn’t Tony’s.

Yes, I compared it to Tony and our first date. I don’t know that will ever change.

But did I mention this guy is divorced, apparently emotionally available, communicative, and we have a lot in common?

Yeah, that.

I could tell Sevag was nervous. Not so much that it seriously impacted our conversation, but I had the distinct impression he was distracted when he looked at me. He told me a few times how beautiful I was. It wasn’t creepy or over the top. It was genuine and sweet.

He occasionally put his hand on my arm or my knee. We sat side by side nursing our coffees, talking. I kept thinking coffee may not be a great taste for a first kiss. My time was running out and my internal monologue was dangerously close to taking over – were were going to kiss right there? Was he still going to kiss me? Where would we go? What would it be like?

My questions were answered shortly after I told him I had to go or I would be late for a meeting. He took me by the hand and asked if he could walk me to my office. We stopped a little ways away; I didn’t want to be kissing some guy with a stream of colleagues filing by. We tucked into an alcove away from the swarms of people and without hesitation he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me.


At first he rammed his tongue down my throat (guys, you’veΒ got to ease into that!) but he quickly matched his pace and technique to mine. He put his hand on my waist and I rested one hand on his bicep and the other on his pectoral. He’s solid.

It was a very good kiss and I could feel my body responding. I could feel his passion and intensity. Sevag pulled away and looked at me – his eyes are such a dark brown its hard to see his pupils – and said he didn’t want to stop doing that. I could relate.

But with promises of talking later that day we finally had to pull away, and I merged into the crowd.

Kissing chemistry? Check.

Shit, now what?

67 thoughts on “That first coffee date…

  1. I had exactly the same thoughts as Brazen and Jenny.
    Now, you sit back and enjoy what happens. And enjoy observing what happens. Open yourself up. And live πŸ™‚

    I’m happy to read this post Ann. Genuinely happy for you!
    If it goes much further, great. If it doesn’t… it was still worth trying!


    • Thanks my dear!! I am working on opening myself up. It happened sooner than I expected, to find anyone that had potential (don’t say “told you so”), and while I’m in a much better headspace about Tony, I could have used another week lol…

      • Hahaha! I won’t say it then πŸ˜‰ And the thing is, you never know when it will happen… but you should know it won’t happen if you’re not ready for it πŸ™‚

  2. Can’t wait to read about the second date. I’m totally with you on the “kiss has to FEEL right” thing. One of my requirements, the other two being passion and an element of kink. Sadly, my current relationship is seriously lacking in all three of those. It had so much potential 3 1/2 years ago…. not sure what to do or how to do it, so I just keep on keeping on. Eventually things will change, I’m sure, but how I get there, I don’t know. (sorry for rambling on about ME, when this is your post!)

    • Hi Kelley – I’m so sorry to hear that about your relationship. If you’ve read about my marriage you’ll know I can relate. It’s very difficult. Do you think you can have those things at this point??

      And never worry about rambling!!

      • I do think I can have those things, I just don’t know if I can have them with my current partner. I need to re-read about your marriage, but if it’s anything like my second one, which was 3 pretty good years, and then 17 more which slowly devolved into housemates who each had other relationships openly until finally, I got fed up at being taken advantage of financially and left. (run-on sentence much?) Which was the right thing to do and we are still friends. I spent the first two years after I was out on my own dating many people and having a BLAST, but they were all unavailable in some way, and when I met my current partner, I thought, ok, he’s divorced, no kids, good job, nice guy, and the chemistry was there (at first, for a while) and we get along great, so I was ok with being exclusive with him, thinking maybe there’s a future. I still am ok with being exclusive, just not sure what I’m getting out of it at this point though.

  3. This sounds promising. I place more importance on chemistry at this stage of my life than at any other time. If the chemissary isn’t there than it is pretty much hopeless. And I feel for Ali as at one time I went went blazing in tongue first until a kind and patient girlfriend explained to me that I need to relax and take my time.

    • It was very promising. I agree about the chemistry…and after my time with Fox I know that nothing can make up for a lack of intellectual chemistry.
      He was good with the kissing, just that first immediate “oh no” which lasted for just a second.

  4. Intelligence and chemistry?! Bingo! Have fun and enjoy.

    I totally agree you know nothing until you have the physical in person chemistry – bit of course I learned he hard way! Lol.

  5. Well, I’m hoping this one will sweep you off your feet so to speak. He sounds passionate!! Nice!! And dark eyes like his always slay me too.
    Patiently awaiting to hear what happened next.

  6. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the dating scene, but that seems to be a common thing among “foreign” men – the tongue-ramming thing. I had it with a couple of them and I always felt the urge to “fight back” and then it all became about wrestling and less about chemistry. (Sadly, they weren’t very good lovers either, but they were also significantly younger then.)
    Indeed, enjoy the ride. Can’t wait for more.

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