In a recent post I made a one-off comment about reopening my OK Cupid profile.
The act was not some admission or proof of my being desperate for a boyfriend or needing someone in my life who gently tucks my hair behind an ear and holds it tightly when he takes me from behind.
I’m good at listening to my gut (even when I choose to ignore it, I usually know what it’s saying). There is no desperation or pull of neediness. My self esteem is not damaged by what happened with Fox or Tony.
On the contrary, I feel fucking awesome about being able to stand up for what I needed in both relationships.
My Dad often says some people love the pain. I’m not that person. Maybe some time ago I was, but not now.
Some of you may argue I was weak with Tony; I shouldn’t have given us a second chance or he was never right for me. You can tell me that over and over but it would deny the things I value – admittedly perhaps ignoring some negatives in the process. But there was a lot which was good about Tony and me.
Back to dating.
The last time I went online, I had some clear guidelines for myself in the attempt to limit the bullshit I dealt with in my first year. Those guidelines worked quite well. The men I met were of decent quality and we sought similar things.
Online dating for me is no longer a frenetic time sucker used for a self esteem boost and distraction.
I loaded OK Cupid and have probably spent 30 minutes in total on the site. I followed my guidelines and as a result have only responded to one man – who I knew before – and it was just to say I’m fine, thanks for asking. He’s number fifty on my men I’ve had sex with list. I removed all of my old “likes” and messages from before.
Dawn asked me (rightfully so) why I would open up the profile if I’m not ready for a relationship. My friend Grey (who I swear just likes to wind me up) told me to not be somebody else’s Tony.
I’m open to going on a date with someone new. I’m open to meeting someone wonderful. But I know what’s out there on sites like OK Cupid and have immense cynicism that there will be someone who proactively reaches out to me who I find mentally and physically appealing and who is also looking for something similar.
If the men who have reached out so far are any indication of what’s to come, there will be no new performers in this circus any time soon. There’s plenty of good fodder for ridiculous “OMG online dating is such bullshit can you believe these guys?!” posts.
And I do know by saying that, there’s likely to be someone amazing that comes along next week and I will eat my words.
I will gladly eat my words.
I opened the site because it can take a while for people to find you. I also know that someone could find me but be dating someone else, so it takes some time to work through the system. What little searching I did was a deliberate reminder there are some decent men out there. Tony is not the only man in the universe who I could be with. It’s important to remember when I get sad about what I see as lost potential.
But I am not interested in Tinder or obsessively being on other dating sites to flip through profiles in the hopes of finding someone. I’m perfectly content to focus on other things. I went to the gym four times last week and I went yesterday, when plans with Lewis fell through. My fitbit is helping remind me to get enough sleep. My weight has come down a few pounds; I have 10 to go to fit into my suits again.
I’m starting a new gig at work and it’s going to be insanely intense.
I’m about to have Liam for two weeks straight and my sweet boy is having some issues. I am taking him to a psychologist next week; Will and I are that concerned. He needs all of my attention when he’s with me.
My friends are amazing and I’m continuing to find time with them. No. 14 and I are going to the symphony together on Friday and despite all of his morning fantasy texts, it will probably just be as friends. I’m seeing the Comedian on Monday after work and it’s to catch up on life and his now-final divorce. Lewis and I have not had our foursome and I’m okay with it. Tony and I have communicated a little bit but I haven’t seen him since we broke up.
I have moments of intense sadness but I’m generally okay. I will continue to be okay.
And dumb OK Cupid on my phone doesn’t prove otherwise.