If I keep writing the sad and angry posts y’all might get the impression there was nothing good about my vacation with Tony. But that wasn’t the case.
One night, sitting by the ocean in the light of the sunset, he looked at me and told me how beautiful I was; even more than usual by the light of the sunset and in the Caribbean breeze. He’s never been particularly romantic, but I got some romance the five days we were together.
He was affectionate. He’d reach over from the deck chair or across the bed just to touch me, squeeze my hand, kiss my cheek or run his fingers through my hair. He got me so many drinks one bartender nicknamed him “the butler”. He said “good morning gorgeous”. Of course there was all the sex; three or four times a day, every day.
New sex stuff too – taking me from behind in the bathroom after we got out of the shower. He marveled at my ability to bend over in downward dog and touch the floor with my palms flat and he could enter me from behind. Flexibility and height has its benefits. He liked watching himself fucking me in the bathroom mirror.
I tried to peg him but it wasn’t particularly successful. He told me again I’m the only woman he’s dated that he fantasizes about. I’m filling the man’s spank bank.
He also talked about things he’s never talked about before. I had to be careful how I opened up the conversations, since he doesn’t like to talk about himself.
I finally know who he fucked between his wife and me. He’d always been cagey about it before. A couple of women who crossed his path. Fuck buddies who would hang out over movies and pizza; sex interests only. One who he tried Cialis with since he loses his erections when putting on condoms. Seems I wasn’t unique in my frustration with his erection issues (which have since been largely eliminated, for the record).
He talked more about the woman his wife accused him of having an affair with. He told me how it started: she was a bartender at a pub he frequented, he got tickets to a sporting event his wife wouldn’t go to and none of his friends were free, so he asked her. He maintains there was nothing physical between them; it was an emotional affair.
He told me his wife was the one who informed his mother they were separating, and told her he’d had an affair.
He told me his wife wanted to separate their bank accounts, which contributed to the demise of their relationship. She obsessively poured over their accounts to track every receipt, challenging him on expenses she didn’t recognize.
He told me stories of vacations with his friends, the one time he fucked a prostitute in a foreign country, how he’s never been with an escort (I was curious, given who he follows on Twitter), and the women who broke his heart before his wife.
Many of those women are still in the outer concentric circles of his life. Old high school friends or friends of friends. I commented there were a number of them skulking around and asked how Mary dealt with it. Seems she was as allergic to the idea as I am… Which got me thinking his distance and inability to reassure someone emotionally is probably not unique to me. Women in the past are no threat when I’m secure -like with Fox.
These were all nice things but they don’t change anything; I’m still in a bad place.
The unrequited love conversation led me to talk about the couple that I have – not with any specificity. I mentioned I turned down one (the Comedian) given I was with Tony and he started to say again that he doesn’t want to hold me back.
I wasn’t sober and quickly said “don’t tell me again you don’t want to ‘hold me back’. You know I hate that because it means you won’t fight for me.”
He tried to interject but I went on to say “you say that just to assuage your guilt. You don’t want to be accountable. But don’t you worry, I’m fully accountable for my actions, Tony. I own my shit. I know the risks with you; you said you didn’t ever expect to feel like this with someone so quickly after your separation. Do you think I wanted to fall for someone who isn’t fully available to me? You aren’t fully invested with me and I’m crystal clear on that.”
And you know what he said? “You’re right, I’m not fully invested.”
Fucker. It reminds me of when Will (my ex-husband) would say something nasty to me like “you’re being a bitch” and when I’d say “wow you’re an ass for saying that” he’d say “well you told me to be honest; I’m just telling you how I feel. I feel that you’re a bitch.”
Tony has created a scenario where in his mind, everything he’s doing is okay because he’s told me that he’s not done with his marriage. Caveat emptor.
Buyer beware, indeed.
I do know the risks and own my shit, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. And frankly, there’s a difference between knowing he may take a long time in settling his divorce, and actively pretending to be married when it’s convenient and potentially leading his ex-wife down a garden path filled with lies of omission.
He told me that night when she asked for him to come back (last March), he didn’t because he knew it wouldn’t work.
So if he knows this to be true, why can’t he say he’s done with that relationship?