It’s 8 days since Tony and I broke up. My first 3 days weren’t horrible, with sweating, talking, and a good fuck on Monday night. Tuesday I went out with a girlfriend for drinks and dinner. I was hoping to see the Comedian afterwards but he had to deal with work at the last minute.
Wednesday I had a friend over for dinner. Over sushi and proscecco we talked about life and breakups and the general shittiness of my situation.
Thursday I met a new man for tea. He’d reached out to me on the website for a local swingers club and had been interested in meeting me for a while. He knew about Tony and my hesitance to meet him was primarily because Tony wasn’t ready for any group play, and I didn’t want to vet any new men until that time.
He was attractive, well-spoken, and we had a good conversation. He’s an engineering professor with a PhD. And… he’s married, something which didn’t come up in any of our prior conversations. He was wearing a ring so naturally I asked him about it. He didn’t try to lie. He said he and his wife weren’t getting along and hadn’t had sex in a couple of years. But she doesn’t know about his alternate lifestyle.
But I just can’t do it. It was bad enough someone emotionally tied to his marriage but living apart, let alone someone living under the same roof.
I kissed him goodbye and in a subsequent text, told him I appreciated meeting him but had strong reservations about seeing him again, especially solo (I told him about breaking up with Tony). He has sent a few very sweet follow-up notes but I just can’t be a part of that deception and potential drama.
Thursday night was supposed to be a foursome with Lewis, but his friend cancelled so he came over solo. I was relieved, honestly. I wasn’t sure I was mentally ready for that sexual experience.
It was late, but we still chatted over a bottle of white wine (which he brought) for a good hour before we made our way upstairs. This session was more cervix bruising than the last, so he suggested I come up with a safe word to use when it’s too much for me. It was another 2am bedtime, but that cock is pretty glorious. I managed to stay mostly out of my head this time, and not think about Tony constantly.
It doesn’t help me get over him, but it does keep me distracted.
Friday morning I woke up to another text from #14. The man’s got a way with words, that’s for sure. I took off from work and went on a short road trip with a girlfriend. It was a perfect day – non-stop talking and advice both given and received, a bit of shopping, and divine chicken wings.
I had plans with Jason to go to a local sex club, but upon return home from our day trip I was overcome with sadness and the thought of reconnecting with Jason in public, and just being in a sex club, was too much for me. I told him I’d rather not go and asked if he could come to my place instead.
He cancelled the whole thing. So I was sad about Tony, then sad about not seeing Jason. It was super shitty and there were tears. I pathetically lost myself in social media until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Completely by accident I found Tony’s Instagram account when I used their “connect with your contacts” feature. He hasn’t used in in a long time and there were several smiling pictures of his son and his ex. Ugh.
Saturday morning I slept in, tackled a bunch of stuff in my house, then had three girlfriend dates in rapid succession, from a chat over wine, to a chat over reflexology, and a chat over dinner with someone who has known me for over 30 years.
The nights are hardest. I can be busy during the day but it’s the quiet and solitude in my bed that brings out the sadness.
The Comedian and I had hoped to see each other on Sunday but again, it didn’t work. So I was staring down an entire day with nothing to do. Liam is staying with Will until mid-week because Will is travelling when he’s supposed to have Liam so we’re trying to balance the schedule a bit. So no relief in the form of my child.
I purged some clothes and put things away in my bedroom that had been collecting dust. Shoes were returned to their places in my closet, boot shapers went back into boots, and I tried on most of my dresses, putting the ones that don’t fit in a bag to open when I’m down 10 lbs. It felt good to clean.
After stopping at Will’s for a chat about Liam, I went to the gym where I tried to make friends with a treadmill, then I went to see “Star Wars” – by myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever gone to a movie on my own. It was perfectly fine and I’m glad I did it. There was no way I wanted to see it on a small screen, and I didn’t want to go hope to mope around.
I was nurtured by my friends this week and I’m so grateful they’ve been here for me. I know it’s not the easiest thing to be around someone who’s hurting and mopey. I get it. But they’ve listened to me with compassion, even when I’ve doubted my decision, and supported me in moving forward.
I know this isn’t a lot about my feelings. There are thoughts swirling around in my head constantly. But I also know at some point continuing to rehash the same shit over and over again is probably unhealthy. I do believe I made the right decision, but that only gets me so far. I’m still mourning the loss of the man and the relationship.
But today, I did re-open my OK Cupid profile.