I’m not hiding from you, but from my mind.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting anything in a long time. There are many many words in my head but they just haven’t come out yet. After all, I was with Tony for six days, through yesterday afternoon, and goodness knows I couldn’t write in front of him.

I don’t really know where to start, and it won’t be right now. But I will tell you I didn’t manage to get through my vacation without telling Tony some of what was on my mind. As usual, there was no resolution with him. Just some explanations and discussion. But not the words I really needed to hear.

Not that I expected to hear what I wanted. I’m no fool. 

I also didn’t get through the vacation without tears. One night, spontaneously in the bathroom, which went unnoticed, and hours later on our balcony, which did get noticed.

I’d be lying if I said I managed to put all the sadness and anger out of my head. Sure, when I was in lively conversation or going down the waterslide it diminished somewhat. We had sex three times a day if not more, and most of that time I could put it aside.

But in the moments of stillness, watching the ocean or trying to go to sleep or lost in thought on the balcony, it was there, pushing through the surface. I’m sure if Tony was paying attention he would have seen it on my face.

My sadness enveloped me completely.

New Year’s Eve was the best I’d had in as long as I can recall. Sparkling wine, stone crab, lobster tails, fantastic music, and a man I adore. We danced fast, which was great, and then we danced slow…and that memory will be forever etched in my heart.

If only that dance was with someone as fully invested as he seemed in that moment, with his cheek pressed against mine.

There is so much more to say. I will get to it, I promise. But right now, my cloak of sadness and fond memories and I are going to bed.

50 thoughts on “I’m not hiding from you, but from my mind.

  1. Sadness seems an appropriate response to the situation. I feel it too. There is nothing sadder than someone you care about not noticing it either. Hugs

  2. Happy New Year 1st of all – hope 2016 is good to you and yours xxx
    It seems like you are constantly taking 2 steps forward and 5 backwards with this man (: What is his problem??
    I hope that you 2 can find a solution and/or common ground before it’s too late.
    BIG HUGS FROM SA (LOL)

  3. I know the sadness… wish there was something I could do to ease it, because I too am a fixer :-/
    Take your time coming back to us. Live in the present, enjoy what you do have: a son I’m sure was thrilled to see you again, a job you like and so on. Focus on that for now. Listen to your gut.
    But remember this: if you love this man, you love all of him. Even his failings (or what you perceive as such, because it’s all a matter of perception, isn’t it?).
    It doesn’t mean you have to accept all of it, and if being with him makes you that sad, then do something about it. Which I know is hard!
    But also remember that it just may be tiredness speaking, or something else non-Tony related. For me, it was coming up to the anniversary of breaking up with G. And moving out of the family home. And getting used to sharing Christmas with the ex, so not having my kids. And… Ok, I’ll stop there, but you get the idea, don’t you?

    Take a few days to rest and re-evaluate everything then, once your life is back to some sort of normal with school and work.

    Hugs!

  4. Reframe it if you can. It is a cloak of joy. This excludes neither sadness or fond memories, in my experience. Reflection and time will help you work this out. Embracing joy has always comforted me in sadness and made me walk toward my conclusions judiciously.

    • It’s hard for me to ignore what’s so plainly in front of me… despite progress being made by Tony in this past year, he’s still not in a place where he can be fully invested in a relationship. I think I’ve said this, but I could handle slow progress. For me the thing this dumb dinner changed is the deceit it demonstrated (either with her, or friends, or himself, or me). It’s one thing to not be shouting from the rooftops that he has a girlfriend, it’s another to actively make a decision to make people think he doesn’t.

      Since I’m in this for the long game, I’m having trouble seeing how I could be with someone who makes those choices. I suppose for me it’s becoming clear this isn’t just a behavior that’s coming out due to the situation…I fear it’s systemic.

    • Thank you Annabelle. I responded above as to why I’m feeling this way. The sadness comes not just from this one incident but the pattern I’ve seen and the knowledge that it’s not something I want to be a part of in someone I’m seeking a long term relationship with. There may be hope, but it’s very faint.

  5. It feels like an impossible situation, but sometimes impossible situations work out. I can’t in my mind reconcile what he did with any kind of justifiable reason, but then I can’t see inside his head. Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts. Glad you had some amazing moments on the trip though.

  6. Oh Ann! I am so sorry you are sad! I wish I knew the magic words that could help you manage better. I believe Tony is true to what he says/does, and he is not going to rush anything. Again patience is required on your part.

    • Thank you Julie, I really do appreciate your tireless support. Tony is definitely not rushing anything because at the core of it, he’s not ready to face a true separation from his ex. I don’t know how else to say it – yes they’ve moved apart, they don’t have shared bank accounts, etc., but there is still an obvious connection that wouldn’t exist if he was ready to be with someone else fully.

  7. I don’t know many people who can put their sadness aside for sex, Ann.
    You’re a strong person, stronger than even you realize.
    Take care and reach out if you need to.

  8. Sorry to hear that some of vacation was a downer. At least the good parts were enjoyable and a good break for you. Now I am glad to hear your Mom is on target again. She manages to get you started back on the road to strength. Best Wishes.

  9. Xox. Your blog inspires me. I love that you explore the grey zones and are open in your insecurities and worries while still clearly being an assertive woman in matters of the heart and bed.

    I’m sorry there are so many grey zones right now, but boy do I enjoy following your approach as you untangle these things. Helps me in my own life.

    Good luck.

    • I’m truly humbled (and a little frightened) to be an inspiration. I figure if I can’t be open about my insecurities and where I’m a little messed up, how can I get past it?
      I’m working on detangling…it’s slow with this one. Not because I’m doubting whether I can continue like this (I can’t really), but how / what to ask for or do.
      I’m so pleased to hear it helps. xo

What do you think?