I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting anything in a long time. There are many many words in my head but they just haven’t come out yet. After all, I was with Tony for six days, through yesterday afternoon, and goodness knows I couldn’t write in front of him.
I don’t really know where to start, and it won’t be right now. But I will tell you I didn’t manage to get through my vacation without telling Tony some of what was on my mind. As usual, there was no resolution with him. Just some explanations and discussion. But not the words I really needed to hear.
Not that I expected to hear what I wanted. I’m no fool.
I also didn’t get through the vacation without tears. One night, spontaneously in the bathroom, which went unnoticed, and hours later on our balcony, which did get noticed.
I’d be lying if I said I managed to put all the sadness and anger out of my head. Sure, when I was in lively conversation or going down the waterslide it diminished somewhat. We had sex three times a day if not more, and most of that time I could put it aside.
But in the moments of stillness, watching the ocean or trying to go to sleep or lost in thought on the balcony, it was there, pushing through the surface. I’m sure if Tony was paying attention he would have seen it on my face.
My sadness enveloped me completely.
New Year’s Eve was the best I’d had in as long as I can recall. Sparkling wine, stone crab, lobster tails, fantastic music, and a man I adore. We danced fast, which was great, and then we danced slow…and that memory will be forever etched in my heart.
If only that dance was with someone as fully invested as he seemed in that moment, with his cheek pressed against mine.
There is so much more to say. I will get to it, I promise. But right now, my cloak of sadness and fond memories and I are going to bed.