I tried to sweat, talk, and fuck him out of my system.

I’ve written a few times that my weight is higher than I want – and not in a vague “oh gee I should weigh less” way, but a “jeez NONE of my suits fit” way. A practical and financial dilemma as my entire wardrobe was literally downsized when my weight went down a couple of years ago and remained stable.

I started seeing a trainer in late November and he made it hard for me to function courtesy of his short but all-body workouts on a torture device called the TRX. Sometimes I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair afterwards.

I started to also go to the gym on my own to get on the treadmill. Once before Christmas, and a couple of times afterwards. My Mom got me a basic Fitbit for Christmas which has been great to know how much of a slug I usually am. I’m starting a new project at work and am in a slight lull this week and decided to get my ass into the gym. I have plans every day but there is no reason I can’t go after work for a little bit. It’s better than going home and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and left over holiday treats.

Yesterday I really needed it. While Tony and I exchanged a couple of texts on the weekend I’m determined to give him at least a few days of silence.

So I got on the treadmill after work. Set that bastard for 45 minutes and tried to sweat Tony out of my system. I managed to not cry as I had flashbacks of some fairly sensual moments we’ve had together. The images of him biting my shoulder or taking my finger is his mouth are insanely potent.

Afterwards I went to a friends house – a last minute invite when she heard about my heartbreak.

As I walked in her front door my phone pinged; a text from Lewis. I hadn’t responded to him from our conversation on the weekend and figured I’d let him demonstrate interest. I didn’t respond and instead left my phone in my purse where it belongs.

Her husband made us dinner and we debrief. They both like Tony – he shares the devotion to a certain soccer team. Their younger daughter remembered our conversation last time about a tattoo I may get – Ganesh, remover of obstacles – it fits me personally and professionally. She’s only 8 and so inquisitive. Am I going to have more children, why is Tony now my ex boyfriend, why do I commemorate the age I was at 39 in a tattoo. You know, simple questions.

Talking about Tony is somewhat helpful, but I’ve done so much processing her it feels different. I do like hearing my friends insight and feedback, and it’s nice to be supported.

On the way home I texted Lewis back. There was flirting and in the 20 minute commute, he suggested a “nightcap”. Code for “a drink and minimal conversation before I fuck you silly”.

I retorted I thought I was supposed to play hard to get for longer to increase my perceived value. He joked it would kill him as the blood has drained elsewhere.

What the hell.

He came over just before 11pm and he left just before 2am. We caught up briefly on life and work before he grabbed my hand to kiss me in my kitchen. He can wrap his arm almost completely around my body. He is still crazy strong with an insane body.

But the moment I kissed him, I missed Tony. Nobody kisses like Tony.

In the three hours of fucking, I did manage to get out of my head a little bit at times. If fucking could work to get Tony out of my head, then the best candidate to do so is Lewis. He’s tall, incredibly muscular, with a crazy huge cock and tons of stamina.

Yet even though the technical sexual marks with Lewis may be higher in many areas than with Tony, it doesn’t matter. Nothing can compare to the way Tony and I moved together and the depth of emotion we had for each other. Comparisons aren’t fair but they are hard to avoid.

Lewis fucked me silly. Six ways from Sunday. Whatever term works. Compared to the last time, he was actually far more attuned to my body and my limits. He was kinder and moved more sensually with me, instead of just pounding away. He paid good attention to all my lady parts. He reveled in my orgasms. He brought me water and initiated round two.

We may see each other again, there’s been some discussion of other things we’d like to try. He’s keen on adding another one or two big black cocks to a session with me, which I’d love. I have no illusions about this being anything more than sex, and that’s okay.

But it doesn’t make the loss of Tony any better. As a time filler, there are definitely worse things.

I worked with my trainer today again to see if I can sweat Tony out. If nothing else, reversing the impact of gravity on my ass can’t ever be a bad thing.

Four days and counting…

55 thoughts on “I tried to sweat, talk, and fuck him out of my system.

  1. Oh Ann … I completely feel your pain on the TRX and encourage you to keep working at it. Sweating it out in physical activities and being with friends are good methods to coping with grief and I applaud you for your efforts.

  2. Four days and counting. Which means 26 more days at least, to get it out of your system. Exercise, self-care and some good saucy behavior will fill in some of the holes. This you can do. In a month’s time they’re good memories, not holes. You get memories by being alive and surviving the holes.

  3. The dreaded “should”…
    Today, someone told me that “should” applied to yourself is always involves self-criticism and usually results in you seeing that you should all over yourself.

    I don’t need to tell you, but be kind to yourself. 🙂

  4. Yay for friends and going to the gym!!!! Sweating him out is always a good idea.
    I have to say that am not a fan of Lewis…something about him gives me a total creepy vibe, but I do support the spending of time with friends and the going to the gym!

  5. this tore at my heart

    But the moment I kissed him, I missed Tony. Nobody kisses like Tony

    but the way that you describe your feelings, no holds barred warms my heart. you describe raw emotion so beautifully…

    • I didn’t. It’s other things that can trigger it. I have moments of messiness but I think because I wasn’t willing to continue with the pain of thinking he was still attached to his “ex”, I know this pain is better than that pain. I remind myself of that every time I start to get all melancholy.

  6. I won’t rehash the ground that others have covered with respect to the relationship/emotion/recovery stuff-do what you need to in order to get through.

    But one thing I did want to mention as a fitness enthusiast myself is to remember that if you want to lose some weight, it’s not the gym work that’s going to do it, it’s the diet/nutrition. Nutrition is 70-80% of the results, no matter what the goal. If your trainer isn’t also a nutritionist, you might want to talk to one to set your calories and macros so you know what you need to hit to see the results you want.

    If your nutrition is dialed in, your workouts can actually become more enjoyable, as you don’t have to be a quivering, sweating mess to still get the results. And that can make it a lot easier for you to sustain a regular workout regimen, as a lot of the long, extreme workout programs tend to burn people out eventually.

    Anyway, keep on keepin’ on.

    • Great advice Josh and yes, completely understand that the focus needs to be on food. I eat decently well – not much processed, deep fried, mega carbs, etc. There are exceptions of course, particularly if out with friends. I know what to do and not to to eat clean. For me, I find the more I work out, especially as I start to see results, the less likely I find myself with a hand in a bag of chips.


  7. Omg, I am currently in that “jeez, if I don’t lose 10 pounds I’ll have to upgrade to the next size,” and after two pairs of favorite jeans tearing in the arse, I’d say I’d better get on it. I’m a slacker, though, so kudos to you for not sitting on the couch wallowing in sorrow (which I’d be more likely to do).

    You mentioned that you and Tony exchanged a few texts? I couldn’t do that – it would just prolong the heartache and keep it front and center – which I’m not sure is good for you at this point.

    As for Lewis – I too feel a sort of creepy feeling about him, but if he fills a physical void, then by all means have at it. However, I think it’s too soon to be engaging in intimacy with anyone – even if it is defined as just fucking. The breakup is too fresh and, as you’ve already made a comparison to Tony’s kiss, is bound to bring up memories when you’re trying to heal. Well – to be fair – I personally have done this and it backfired on me big time (I ended up feeling worse and missing him more) – but we all have our own methods to healing and what doesn’t work for one may be just what the other needs.

    I’d tell you to be strong – but you already are – so I’ll tell you to be well. Keep moving forward. xoxo

  8. Having seen your pics, there’s nothing wrong with your shape. (Not that there’s anything wrong with getting fitter.)
    I’ve long thought it takes a relationship to get over a relationship. I’m not convinced meaningless sex is enough. (Not that there’s anything wrong with meaningless sex!)

        • I am capable of having casual sex that doesn’t mess with my psyche. Honest. I have no interest in starting up a new relationship with anyone at this point. That could change in a day or a week or a month, but not today.

          • You’re suggesting my lessons are not hard won and I easily forget? I’m not going to troll through old comments for clues – not my style nor do I have time. Every time I’ve asked you to be specific you dodge and weave or give me platitudes that could apply to anyone. If you have insight then just out with it, my friend.

          • Okay, you asked for it…

            1) You have issues with your father that seep into your relationships with other men.

            2) You use sex as a crutch, to make you feel better about yourself. to make you feel powerful, to feel less vulnerable.

            You need to stop doing the latter and address the former.

            Until you do that you will have many more Tony’s, Fox’s and other such unsatisfactory experiences.

            My fear for you is that one of these losers is really nasty and does something that maims you for life.

            My other concern is for the unwitting accomplice in all this: your son. I was him once.

          • I spent time in therapy last year specifically to deal with my issues relating to my father. She had access to my blog and read everything and we talked about all the decisions I’ve made over my lifetime with regard to men. As you know, I’m pretty open and honest and self-aware.

            Bottom line is, based on the decisions and choices I’ve been making, the behavior I’ve demonstrated over and over again, I’m no longer making decisions that are bad for me, stemming from any abandonment issues / need for male attention.

            We can’t erase the past. I will always say that my relationship with my Dad has impacts on my other relationships. I know what makes me vulnerable and what I have to be vigilant for.

            But ultimately, if I’m making healthy decisions and taking care of myself, then what else would you expect?

            I’d understand if I was now pursuing empty sex AND getting emotionally hung up on men that demonstrate no commitment to me and treat me badly. Or if I was staying with Tony even when it was clear he couldn’t move forward. Or if I wasn’t okay on my own, and used men as an emotional crutch to feel better about myself. When someone isn’t right for me, I walk away.

            I know my worth. I know what I bring to the relationship table, and I know what truly matters in my life. I have my priorities straight. A man in my life makes me feel good because I like having someone around; lots of things are more fun with two. But I don’t need anyone to put me on a pedestal because I’m pretty damn comfortable with who and what I am. I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself, but of course they can make me feel even better.

            With regard to sex? I don’t actually use it to feel better about myself. Does it make me feel powerful? Sure. But I feel powerful anyway. On the contrary, the sex I’m open to right now makes me feel more vulnerable, not less. Because I’m expanding my boundaries and exploring new things. When it’s too much, I have no issue saying no.

            As I said to my friend Madeline last night. If you consider your self worth and mental outlook to be a bank balance, and you are in the negative, relying on someone else to get you to zero means you are still at zero. I’m not in this situation. I’ve already got a positive bank balance, so having someone around just increases that positive balance.

            I know you are worried about me and have my best interest at heart, and I do appreciate it. But I don’t consider Tony and Fox to be unsatisfactory experiences. They both enriched my life far more than they detracted from it. I learned a lot from them and have taken many good lessons forward. They aren’t losers, they just weren’t right for me (or right for me now).

            Just because I’m mourning the loss of Tony doesn’t mean I’m fucked up. It means I was with someone who made me happy and with whom I shared something pretty awesome. I’m mourning the loss of him in my day-to-day life, but even more so, the loss of potential.

What do you think?