He came over after Liam fell asleep, to exchange presents and sleep over.
He’d asked me that afternoon if I could “dress for him”: my tennis shirt, his favorite bra, a specific shirt.
I was worried his gifts would be all sex related and they weren’t. He’d put thought into what I might like: handcrafted tonic for amazing gin and tonics, gift certificates for a customized sports jersey for my favorite team, a double ended dildo that enters me and allows me to peg him without a harness, thigh high socks for a fantasy look.
The socks were presented first, added to my outfit, and finished off with my high top Converse chucks. He admired the view as I bent over to put them on, grabbing my hips and dry humping me from behind.
We made drinks and opened the rest of each others presents and shortly afterwards decided to move upstairs to my bedroom. His card to me was sweet and when I read it and hugged him he said “I know things haven’t been perfect lately.” That’s an understatement.
I’ve never kept my chucks on during sex; it was funny to see them with thigh high socks, over his shoulders. He was in heaven…the spank bank keeps filling up.
But I barely slept. 99% of the time, I fall asleep within a few minutes. I’m a great and accomplished sleeper. The only exceptions are when I’m extraordinarily stressed or my head gets stuck in an endless loop.
Between 12 midnight and 5:40am when the alarm went off, I think I slept an hour.
I’d spent the last few days writing about our vacation but also talking to some of my closest friends about what to do. I have a draft post describing my conflict; I can say how I want to feel, but it’s been difficult to know exactly what I need, and I’ve felt in order to have the conversation with Tony I should be able to crispy articulate what needs to happen for me to be able to stay in this relationship.
For example, is it really that I need Mary to know about me in particular? Or just that I can’t continue with him while there is still the potential of either or both of them believing they are more than co-parents. Do I really need him to tell his colleague or family about me? Not necessarily, but I expect Tony to stop lying by omission and letting people believe he’s still married, or single.
That kind of thing. More to come on that front.
When the alarm went off and he stirred and pulled me into him, with his arm under my neck and hand on my breast, I took a deep breath and said:
“Something hasn’t been sitting well with me and I need to ask you about it.”
We had a brief discussion about a situation that occurred the day before, where I tried to call him from my work phone (which isn’t in his phone book) and it rang a few times before it went to voicemail, then I called him right afterwards from my mobile (which is in his phone book) and it went straight to voicemail.
I repeated this twice to the same result. It means I was either blocked or muted, and I was furious. He denied doing so, saying he only turns his phone off or puts on “do not disturb” when he’s with his son. Which wasn’t the case that day.
That denial opened the floodgates, and with him spooned up against me, holding me tight, I said all these things to him:
Tony, I need you to not lie to me anymore. I need transparency.
Lies of omission are still lies.
You lied to me in the first part of our relationship, to my face, over and over, for a brief period of time. I justified it as you being in a different place than you are now and I understood why perhaps you couldn’t tell me the truth.
But you’re lying still, to me and to Mary, and other people in your life.
You’ve created a really bad situation for yourself and I wish I knew why. I think I know why, but I’m not sure.
What does Mary think about your relationship? If you told her you went to Jamaica with a woman and you’ve been dating her for a year, would her response be “oh yeah cool, figured”? I don’t know. I mean – honestly, I don’t know, but I doubt it.
And that’s the thing, Tony. It’s not about you taking a long time to settle your divorce or being private. It’s what is your intention and motivation. I could spend the same time with Will as you do with Mary and neither us nor any friends or family would think we are anything but co-parents.
Can you say the same?
Basically on the one hand, I’m your mistress, and on the other you’re having an emotional affair with your wife. Either of those are bad, but both together are really bad.
It’s the lies I can’t stand.
I can’t live with lies, or be in a relationship with you if they continue.
Now you have lies on top of lies, and you’re stuck. How can you think this is a good situation for you or it’s going to end well? I know you don’t want to hurt her, or hurt me, but created an impossible situation it would seem.
You told me you didn’t go back when she asked you back because you knew it wouldn’t work. You told me I made things complicated for you and I was a reason you didn’t go back. But you didn’t go back when you weren’t with me.
I think you know you aren’t ever going back and I don’t understand why you can’t just make that explicit and move forward.
What is her expectation and understanding of your relationship at this point?
I’ve chosen to believe you when you tell me there’s been nothing intimate between the two of you. But I don’t know and I have doubts. I don’t think you’d tell me if you’d had sex with her. (At which point he said he would).
Tony, I want you to hear it’s your motivations I care about.
Even if technically it were true that you didn’t have sex with another woman after you and I agreed to be exclusive, you still contacted other women with the intention of it, I believe. You can’t tell me you had someone over for oysters for an overnight at your place not intend to have sex with them.
Yes, I still haven’t been able to let that go. I’m trying to.
Feel free to tell me if anything I’ve said is incorrect.
I can’t give you an ultimatum although I’d dearly love to. I’d love to say you have to tell her about me and make sure that both your understanding of where things are at is aligned, but I won’t. I can tell you how I feel and what I need in order to continue this relationship, but you have your own choices to make.
I need there to be no more lies. No more deceit.
Thinking of Mary finding out about me and being hurt by that makes me want to puke.
And, thinking that your decision about her and you is now any way framed as a decision about me versus her also makes me want to puke.
(He says: I don’t want you to feel that way.)
Of course you don’t, Tony. I know you care deeply about me and her and don’t want to hurt either of us, but you’ve set up a situation where you’re lying to both of us. It’s about how you are treating another woman, someone you care about. What’s to say you wouldn’t treat me the same way, some day?
I remember you sitting on my couch with Hy and talking about your philosophy of lying (you said things like you lie when it’s easier, why bother when it causes grief) and I remember thinking “that can’t possibly be true” but I now realize it is.
I used to think perhaps you just got caught up in the situation early on and didn’t know how to tell the truth about things. Perhaps it’s just the situation you find yourself in. Maybe this is learned behavior. Perhaps over time, you couldn’t tell someone how you feel, because of the repercussions and the fights. So you just avoided them.
But I wonder whether the lying is just how you are.
And that’s not something I can live with or be a part of.
(He said: I will talk to her about it today).
After that, we had sex. As one of you pointed out, the sexual response is an interesting one after an intense discussion. I just liked it, the reconnection, joking that only he would be turned on after me telling him all those things.
As I made him an espresso and sent him on his way, I said “Thank you for listening to me this morning. I didn’t intend to have this all come out today.”
He said “It’s okay, I know this has been bothering you for a while”.
I said “I really want this to work between us, Tony. I want what you are able to do and give to align with what I need. I do hope that can happen.”
And he walked out my front door.