I puked these words all over him

He came over after Liam fell asleep, to exchange presents and sleep over.

He’d asked me that afternoon if I could “dress for him”: my tennis shirt, his favorite bra, a specific shirt.

I was worried his gifts would be all sex related and they weren’t. He’d put thought into what I might like: handcrafted tonic for amazing gin and tonics, gift certificates for a customized sports jersey for my favorite team, a double ended dildo that enters me and allows me to peg him without a harness, thigh high socks for a fantasy look.

The socks were presented first, added to my outfit, and finished off with my high top Converse chucks. He admired the view as I bent over to put them on, grabbing my hips and dry humping me from behind.

We made drinks and opened the rest of each others presents and shortly afterwards decided to move upstairs to my bedroom. His card to me was sweet and when I read it and hugged him he said “I know things haven’t been perfect lately.” That’s an understatement.

I’ve never kept my chucks on during sex; it was funny to see them with thigh high socks, over his shoulders. He was in heaven…the spank bank keeps filling up.

But I barely slept. 99% of the time, I fall asleep within a few minutes. I’m a great and accomplished sleeper. The only exceptions are when I’m extraordinarily stressed or my head gets stuck in an endless loop.

Between 12 midnight and 5:40am when the alarm went off, I think I slept an hour.

I’d spent the last few days writing about our vacation but also talking to some of my closest friends about what to do. I have a draft post describing my conflict; I can say how I want to feel, but it’s been difficult to know exactly what I need, and I’ve felt in order to have the conversation with Tony I should be able to crispy articulate what needs to happen for me to be able to stay in this relationship.

For example, is it really that I need Mary to know about me in particular? Or just that I can’t continue with him while there is still the potential of either or both of them believing they are more than co-parents.  Do I really need him to tell his colleague or family about me? Not necessarily, but I expect Tony to stop lying by omission and letting people believe he’s still married, or single.

That kind of thing. More to come on that front.

When the alarm went off and he stirred and pulled me into him, with his arm under my neck and hand on my breast, I took a deep breath and said:

“Something hasn’t been sitting well with me and I need to ask you about it.”

We had a brief discussion about a situation that occurred the day before, where I tried to call him from my work phone (which isn’t in his phone book) and it rang a few times before it went to voicemail, then I called him right afterwards from my mobile (which is in his phone book) and it went straight to voicemail.

I repeated this twice to the same result. It means I was either blocked or muted, and I was furious. He denied doing so, saying he only turns his phone off or puts on “do not disturb” when he’s with his son. Which wasn’t the case that day.

That denial opened the floodgates, and with him spooned up against me, holding me tight, I said all these things to him:

Tony, I need you to not lie to me anymore. I need transparency.

Lies of omission are still lies.

You lied to me in the first part of our relationship, to my face, over and over, for a brief period of time. I justified it as you being in a different place than you are now and I understood why perhaps you couldn’t tell me the truth.

But you’re lying still, to me and to Mary, and other people in your life.

You’ve created a really bad situation for yourself and I wish I knew why. I think I know why, but I’m not sure.

What does Mary think about your relationship? If you told her you went to Jamaica with a woman and you’ve been dating her for a year, would her response be “oh yeah cool, figured”? I don’t know. I mean – honestly, I don’t know, but I doubt it.

And that’s the thing, Tony. It’s not about you taking a long time to settle your divorce or being private. It’s what is your intention and motivation. I could spend the same time with Will as you do with Mary and neither us nor any friends or family would think we are anything but co-parents.

Can you say the same?

Basically on the one hand, I’m your mistress, and on the other you’re having an emotional affair with your wife. Either of those are bad, but both together are really bad.

It’s the lies I can’t stand.

I can’t live with lies, or be in a relationship with you if they continue.

Now you have lies on top of lies, and you’re stuck. How can you think this is a good situation for you or it’s going to end well? I know you don’t want to hurt her, or hurt me, but created an impossible situation it would seem.

You told me you didn’t go back when she asked you back because you knew it wouldn’t work. You told me I made things complicated for you and I was a reason you didn’t go back. But you didn’t go back when you weren’t with me.

I think you know you aren’t ever going back and I don’t understand why you can’t just make that explicit and move forward.

What is her expectation and understanding of your relationship at this point?

I’ve chosen to believe you when you tell me there’s been nothing intimate between the two of you. But I don’t know and I have doubts. I don’t think you’d tell me if you’d had sex with her. (At which point he said he would).

Tony, I want you to hear it’s your motivations I care about.

Even if technically it were true that you didn’t have sex with another woman after you and I agreed to be exclusive, you still contacted other women with the intention of it, I believe. You can’t tell me you had someone over for oysters for an overnight at your place not intend to have sex with them.

Yes, I still haven’t been able to let that go. I’m trying to.

Feel free to tell me if anything I’ve said is incorrect.

I can’t give you an ultimatum although I’d dearly love to. I’d love to say you have to tell her about me and make sure that both your understanding of where things are at is aligned, but I won’t. I can tell you how I feel and what I need in order to continue this relationship, but you have your own choices to make.

I need there to be no more lies. No more deceit.

Thinking of Mary finding out about me and being hurt by that makes me want to puke.

And, thinking that your decision about her and you is now any way framed as a decision about me versus her also makes me want to puke.

(He says: I don’t want you to feel that way.)

Of course you don’t, Tony. I know you care deeply about me and her and don’t want to hurt either of us, but you’ve set up a situation where you’re lying to both of us. It’s about how you are treating another woman, someone you care about. What’s to say you wouldn’t treat me the same way, some day?

I remember you sitting on my couch with Hy and talking about your philosophy of lying (you said things like you lie when it’s easier, why bother when it causes grief) and I remember thinking “that can’t possibly be true” but I now realize it is.

I used to think perhaps you just got caught up in the situation early on and didn’t know how to tell the truth about things. Perhaps it’s just the situation you find yourself in. Maybe this is learned behavior. Perhaps over time, you couldn’t tell someone how you feel, because of the repercussions and the fights. So you just avoided them.

But I wonder whether the lying is just how you are.

And that’s not something I can live with or be a part of.

(He said: I will talk to her about it today).

::

After that, we had sex. As one of you pointed out, the sexual response is an interesting one after an intense discussion. I just liked it, the reconnection, joking that only he would be turned on after me telling him all those things.

As I made him an espresso and sent him on his way, I said “Thank you for listening to me this morning. I didn’t intend to have this all come out today.”

He said “It’s okay, I know this has been bothering you for a while”.

I said “I really want this to work between us, Tony. I want what you are able to do and give to align with what I need. I do hope that can happen.”

And he walked out my front door.

58 thoughts on “I puked these words all over him

  1. What exactly does
    (He said: I will talk to her about it today).
    mean???

    On a lighter note, your choice of graphics continues to be spot on!!

    • I’m loving my choice of pictures…they make me giggle so I’m glad you notice 🙂

      I actually didn’t jump all over that statement. I decided I needed to let what I said absorb and will bring it up with him again when I see him next, which will be Friday night.

  2. What jarred wrong with me mostly when I read all that, if you quoted him correctly, is when he said “It’s okay, I know this has been bothering you for a while” – to me that sounds like he’s still not really taking responsibility for his behaviour, or accepting that he’s doing something wrong, he’s turning it into an issue that you have rather than something fundamentally wrong with what he’s doing (or maybe I’m just reading too much into it!). On the plus side, I’m always impressed how it seems you can both talk rationally about these big issues without either one of you flipping out. He could easily become really defensive and aggressive when you make him face up to what he’s doing, and yet he doesn’t.

    • Hmm. I didn’t take it that way, but doesn’t mean there’s not some truth to what you write. It was more in the context of my knowing he doesn’t like these intense conversations (although I also told him he needed to accept that with me because the alternative is me just getting angry and making unilateral decisions). So it was him saying – hey Ann, I get you had stuff on your mind you needed to tell me.

      now, having said that… I’m not sure he’s particularly owning his shit these days either 🙂

      And thank you for that. I do feel like I’ve been handling it well and as you point out, he’s always listened to me, not freaked out, and seems to take it to heart. Now, because he doesn’t talk much about feelings it’s hard for me to know what impact I have on him. Certainly with his wife there seems to have been none :/

  3. Although you hadn’t planned it, I am so glad that you got out everything that you needed to say.

    Lies of omission go both ways and if you are pretending to be cool with what is going on and that everything is fine this means you are not telling him how you honestly feel (omitting your truth). I’m so so so glad you told him all your worries about what is going on.

    I hope Tony fully grasps this and makes a decision to ensure that his wife is on the same page. While she doesn’t need to know about YOU specifically…she does need to know that she is not the special lady (or even only lady) in Tony’s life. Hopefully she already knows this deep down and it won’t come as a surprise to her.

    • Thanks Sassy – I did feel much better afterwards. Was able to actually sleep a little bit after he left. I knew I couldn’t fake it and keep things under wraps but was trying to figure out how to frame the conversation in a way that was grounded in how I felt and what I needed.
      I’m not sure he’s ready. The next several days will be informative.

  4. Bravo all the statements you made above. You clearly stated your concerns and the ball is in Tony’s court now.

    However, I can’t help but wonder — what would your long-term relationship look like if Mary knew about you and they were finally proceeding with the divorce? Knowing all the stuff that’s happened, all the questions, all the lies by omission – can you truly have the relationship you want with him? Will you be able to overlook these things and have complete trust in him?

    I’ve always been somewhat forgiving of transgressions, but reality for me is that once trust is violated, it’s forever suspect. Sorry – playing devil’s advocate today.

    • Thank you! He’s got the ball for a brief period but I will steal it and run away with it if he doesn’t do anything 🙂

      And you raise something that’s been on my mind – whether with all this baggage and distrust, whether I can get over it. It depends whether there is any change from him – how open he becomes and what I see in his behavior. I try to not rely on believing someone can change, so I’m not optimistic. Certainly if he wants to, he can. But I can’t make it so.

  5. I wonder if you took sex out of the equation how he would treat you. Sex can a huge motivator for someone to maintain a relationship especially if it’s good and easy to come by. I’m not trying to say that that’s all Tony wants but it has crossed my mind a few times.

    • There’s no doubt given he thinks sex with me is the best he’ll ever have, that’s certainly a strong connection for him.

      But it’s much more than that. I know he wants to be friends in the case of a breakup – we have a very strong intellectual connection – but I told him before that would be impossible.

  6. Ann, I continue to admire the way you are managing your communication with Tony about the thornier relationship issues. You are truly one of my current heros for how to be a grown-up in dealing with the gunky stuff that comes up in our lives. I am also hopeful getting it out there helps with your state of mind and allows you some respite from the endless loop and stress.

    • Thank you so much Janelle!! It did help somewhat with the state of mind. I’ve written him a follow up letter which reiterates some of what I said, and adds specifically what I need from him in order to continue the relationship. Then we’ll see what happens. I’m trying to be positive but pessimism is winning out… I just have to believe if he was ready to move forward he would have, right?

      • Perhaps. Or perhaps he needed a good hard shove to get him off his ass and into action? You stepped away from him for awhile, even test drove a relationship with Fox, and when you reunited with Tony things were a little different and better than before. But damn, no one wants to hold themselves hostage to get their relationship partner to step up and demonstrate something other than lethargy and apathy toward a now-defunct marriage. You have been fair, balanced, and extraordinarily understanding and reasonable … maybe just a touch too much so for the results you desired. Still, I admire you for those qualities and still hope that Tony recognizes and acts upon the idea of losing you because he’s not taking care of himself much less your relationship.

  7. I couldn’t help but laugh at the post title.
    I’m happy you got to talk about this with Tony. But I second Taraka. Could you move forward with this having happened? Fox was dishonest too and yes, he handled it very immaturely, but he was honest about his transgressions. I doubt whether Tony can change this overnight… This seems like something he does to cope (or not cope) with situations. I think this might just be who Tony is. And if he’s not fully invested, why would he work on it?

    • It was my draft wording and I stuck with it because it made me laugh too 🙂

      I’d be able to move forward if he’s able to tell me things in the past so I stop wondering either way, and we can start fresh again. But that requires a lot of honesty on his part which has not been his strong suit. I’m not sure he can be that open with anyone quite yet.

  8. Well Ann I’m glad you were able to finally get it off your chest what he needs to do to make you feel better about being with him. I pray he will FINALLY tell her the truth! Hopefully he doesn’t waffle, and take the road of least resistance again. Hang in there girl!

  9. I think this is key – being able to identify, and distinguish between, needs and wants.

    I realized relatively recently that I tend to take responsibility for other people’s feelings – this was something I learned from my family of origin. (It’s also a boundary issue – taking responsibility for other people’s stuff.) When you know that if you tell someone the truth, they might be hurt, the obvious (but unsatisfactory) solution is simply not to tell them.

    For me, that conflicts with my need to tell (and hear) truth. Personally, I’d rather hear the difficult truth instead of the convenient and comforting lie. The lie is a band-aid. The truth just is, and lies make it that much harder to deal with reality because reality is being hidden.

    If Tony is taking responsibility for others’ emotions, he will be torn between telling the truth and avoiding causing hurt. If so, it may help to tell him that telling you the truth (kindly) is a kindness, and lying (even when he’s trying to protect you from hurt) will always hurt you more.

    • Thanks for this insight… I hadn’t thought about that and perhaps that’s part of it. I actually used one of your lines in a letter I’ve written him which states some of what I said, and adds more precisely what I need. xo

  10. A choice is made, a foot is down and the truth is out.
    Wow.
    I can see it wasn’t at all how you may have wanted the conversation to go, but you could not keep it to yourself any more.
    It isn’t easy, it sucks like hell but in the end it is the truth.

    Big hugs You are one hell of a woman. He’d be a fool to let you walk away. xx

  11. Totally unrelated to your relationship:

    “a double ended dildo that enters me and allows me to peg him without a harness”

    Extract from a blog post I wrote below because I’m too lazy to rewrite:

    I have a gripe with strapless strap-ons that I’m going to air here… It’s my understanding that they were originally designed for women to use on women. A vagina offers less resistance than an anus, so I imagine that for many lesbian couples it works as advertised. But I have heard from women with much more experience than me, and from newbies, and from many women everywhere who use a strapless strap-on for pegging that *it requires a harness*.

    Weight + resistance + wetness + thrusting action = THIS THING WILL NOT STAY IN PLACE.

    On the other side of this, I hear blame (yes, really!) that makes me all ragey where not being able to use a strapless strap-on without a harness is all the woman’s fault for having weak kegels, and she had better work on those flabby vagina muscles, the lazy cow. Because, you know, women don’t have enough things to feel bad about when it comes to their bodies, amirite?! *rant, rave, wavy arms*.

    Okay, done now. The upshot is that from what I can gather, the majority of women will need a harness with the Realdoe [double ended dildo] AND THAT’S OKAY!

    Ferns

    • Well I know how he processes things so honestly it was completely about my sharing with him how I felt. I didn’t want or need him to have some big dialogue with me. He needed to hear me and then he goes away and thinks. I have written a letter to send to him that will give him more food for thought – I more clearly state what I need in order to be able to stay in the relationship.

      He will need to respond at some point, even if he just says “no can do”. I won’t let it linger but do want to give him some time to think about what to do. That’s measured in days, not weeks (she says now, really wanting to believe its true)

  12. I’m not liking this post at all. Honestly, Ann, you pounced on him the minute the alarm went off? Hopefully he’s a morning person, but I can’t imagine how he felt waking up to have you immediately launch into a diatribe about his lying. You were furious because he didn’t answer the phone? People aren’t obligated to answer the phone no matter who is calling. Sorry, I see a little bit of crazy peeking out and I’m guessing it’s just a reaction to all the frustration you are feeling.

    Tony needs counseling. He has admitted to lying to avoid confrontation. He’s a pleaser and doesn’t know how to set boundaries. But he needs to want to change.

    As for the gift exchange — what did you get him? Just curious.

    • He’s an extreme morning person. I was calm but can see how it may have read like a “pounce”. And no, it wasn’t at all that he didn’t answer his phone – it was that he had put my mobile number on block or mute. Which he’s denied doing. The reason he’d do that is because he’s sitting with someone he doesn’t want to see my name pop up with a call or a text.

      But yup, otherwise definitely some crazy coming out and it’s 100% due to knowing I’m being lied to.

      Gifts? I gave him a bathrobe from his favorite European soccer team, a book of erotica, a winter hat from his neighborhood, a fun attachment for your iPhone that looks like a old version of a phone receiver, a set of cheese knives and a cheese board.

  13. Yeah, I agree with Caroline…after ALLLLLL that, that’s all you got from him?!?!!? I’m done with Tony….I think it’s time to see what else is out there (after taking time for yourself)

    • That was what I expected from him. He’s a deep thinker and not one for a lot of dialogue right away about stuff. I wasn’t trying to elicit responses from him, I needed to get things off my chest. But I know how he works, and he’s been pondering. I’m sending a follow up email and then maybe tomorrow when I see him, or later, I will follow up to have the conversation and see what, if anything, his response is.

  14. Here that tapping? Yes that’s my fingers while waiting along with you. And i’m glad someone else pointed out that the didlo he got you doesn’t always work well for pegging. But Maggie, you had me laughing and so true, it’s not our lack of pussy power. Jeesh! Most anuses are pretty damn tight! 😉

  15. A couple thoughts. First, I find it interesting that you were engaging him in a “shit test” by calling him from your work phone, then immediately from your personal phone, multiple times. The fact that you even have to play such games isn’t a good thing.

    Second, everything you’ve described with Tony screams that he is a classic conflict avoidant person. Unfortunately, that type of trait is pretty well ingrained in someone, and that explains why to him lying is a perfectly acceptable means to an end, the end being to avoid difficult or painful situations or conflicts at all costs. That’s not the stuff that healthy relationships are built upon.

    So far his responses to you when confronted have been to placate you with vague bromides such as “I don’t want you to feel that way”. Talk about a meaningless statement. Now, it will be interesting to see if he follows through on his promise to talk to Mary, but even more interesting will be if he does, what talking to her actually entails for him, and how much of the “truth” he reveals to her, and to you.

    And that’s really the problem with conflict avoidant people, they tend to “trickle truth” others, i.e. only let out enough bits and pieces of the truth at a time that they’re forced to and that they think they can get away with to keep the peace, while continuing to lie either outright or by omission about any further aspects that might create further conflict.

    • You’re right to call me out on that, Josh. It didn’t start as a shit test, but after he asked me to call him, when two calls apart in time both went straight to voicemail, my spidey sense went off and that’s when I called from my office phone immediately afterwards. And my gut was proven correct.

      But you are absolutely right – I HATE the fact that I’m in this insecure place where I don’t trust him, I’m testing him, I’m being sneaky. I can’t remember the last time I ever engaged in anything like this… high school? When – oh yeah – my bf was cheating on me. I don’t want to be that person. I’m not that person.

      You’ve got his approach nailed, I think, especially about the trickle truth. He’s told me things when I figured out how to ask specifically, but otherwise has completely avoided being up front.

      Like you, I’m quite interested to see what he does now. I doubt he will have talked to her – and REALLY doubt he’ll have opened up and told her everything. I just can’t see it. But I’m working hard at being open to both possibilities.

      • Well, I’m rooting for it to work out for you, though my guess is because of his personality he will do the minimum required to keep the peace or hope that by letting you talk about it and blow off steam that will be enough for things to settle down. That, and using sex as a way to change the subject.

        But ultimately you’re not ready to let him go, so you just have to see this to its conclusion, be it a positive or negative one.

        • With that last letter, I am finally in a place where I think I *can* let him go. I sure as hell don’t want to. Ready will depend entirely on how he responds to this. Ultimately, Josh, I’m in this for the long game… if this is not someone who can work through issues, then what hope is there for a healthy long term relationship anyway?

  16. Nice to see you taking some power back in the situation.

    Here is my tough love, and I only have tough love because I am on team Ann. So big HUGS befor e you read further… 🙂

    1. He knew things weren’t going well, you are not happy with the situation, and yet he requests a outfit from you and you oblige. I don’t understand why? How does that make him accountable to what is going on? It basically makes him know that even though you are not happy, not getting what you want, and asking for things you need, he doesn’t need to pay attention to it because in the end he has got you and you still will be there for him doing whatever he asks. This scenario is a continuance of the last year of you wanting more and him getting what he wants without giving it to you. I understand and get the sex is great, but like I said before this is love, and like you said not a fuck buddy.

    2. You had sex with him after you spill your heart/brain out to him, a big no-no in my book. He offered you no reassurances that he is invested, or that he is looking for the long term with you and will do what it takes to have that. Like Josh wrote, a meaningless statement, “he doesn’t want you to feel that way.” If he doesn’t, than why hasn’t he done anything about it or at least attempted. I also find the next comment meaningless too. Yes I feel it holds great promise, but to leave it at that without expending on it makes it meaningless to me. I understand your reason for not trying to pull more out of it because you are afraid it will have a negative affect. But by then having sex with him without that further explanation then validates that he still doesn’t need to give you anything concrete but still can get what he wants. I would of waited to hear what he had talked with Mary about to see if he deserves the reward. You might feel even less resolved by the lack of what he says to her, but the opposite might be be true where you are so happy about what he says, that you want to show how happy you are. wink wink…I guess I am trying to say by him leaving getting everything he wants or wanted, he will have less motivation/insight to realize what he needs to do and how serious you are.

    3. And last, I promise, I feel you allow the relationship to be very casual even though in your head it is quite serious. I feel this is because you are afraid of what will happen if you put your foot down about your needs. I see you striping away your needs/wants to the bare minimum so that you can say “this can work”. Or as you wrote, “I’ve been asking myself what I need in order to *not* be done with this relationship.” I don’t think that is good or it should be that hard.

    Whew…I got that all out. I have been holding back, but I see your pain. I just think some of it is self inflicted and can be avoided. There might be greater pain ending it but time will at least heal that. Time will not heal anything if you keep cutting yourself. For the record though, I do feel Tony cares about you deeply. I don’t doubt that. I don’t believe that BS about the night with oysters though, or other things he has said in the past. I do feel NOW that he is into only you. I don’t think you will see any progress (at least in the short term) though with the path your proceeding on with him. I see more of the same and essentially reading more of the same. You need to put your foot down, maybe not in the form of a ultimatum outright, but pushing him a way a little until you see results will show him that you are serious and without progress on his part you will continue to be further. If that doesn’t work, you know where you stand. By still giving your all to him still, your not showing him that you need more to be with him, and he is not realizing his action or inability to act has consequences.

    Apologies in advance for spelling and grammar errors…writing while working…

    • Thanks Fred. You’ll see what I just posted perhaps. I’ve put all my cards on the table, including what I’m sure will be seen as an ultimatum. I completely expect this is the end. I don’t think he’s ready to do what I need.

  17. Good Job Ann! You said what you needed to say, (like a grown up) and avoided ultimatums. In my opinion, ultimatums inevitably suck.

What do you think?