This happens enough that I wonder if there’s some truth to an ability to just “put things out into the universe”. I won’t profess to know either way, but it does make for fun blog posts if nothing else. I can think of at least three past blog posts similar to this one.
Last week, the day I had my morning talk with Tony, I heard from none other than the Comedian. He’d gone silent in the early summer after a string of romantic and sweet messages to me. I figured he had a girlfriend and just couldn’t figure out how to stay in touch as friends.
He told me he was sorry he’d been an asshole; he’d been having a really rough time with his divorce. He asked if we could see each other and have been trying to find a time.
I have made no updates to any of my online profiles, nor have I been active such that it would trigger anyone to notice me. But on FetLife, Joe reached out to me this past weekend. I saw him once in the summer and despite some ongoing dialogue afterwards, given I had a boyfriend and we weren’t about to jump into the threesome pool yet (a statement which applies to both Fox and Tony), the conversation tapered off.
Joe asked how I was doing so I told him the truth – a little morose due to a breakup. He said we should get together soon at the sex club and he’d greet me with a big hug. I’m rather blase about the whole thing but given it’s only day 5 post-breakup, it’s not surprising.
I bet if he wasn’t blocked on my phone, I’d hear from Shenanigans any day now. It’s just how he rolls.
You may remember #14, the old boyfriend who I reconnected with – mentally and physically – last summer. He isn’t looking for a relationship and like me, is exploring his sexuality. He and I have kept up an infrequent but steady text dialogue, particularly about some of the wilder things he’s exploring. He’s invited me to join but with Fox then Tony in my life, it wasn’t going to happen.
He’s going to be my date for the symphony in a few weeks. He’s a great conversationalist and a gentleman and it will be fun. I don’t think we’ll have sex but I suppose it’s on the table. Tony would have been my date and I am glad I don’t have to worry about who to go with now. Fuck that shit.
And then there’s Lewis.
Perhaps it’s because I seem to only want casual sex (which is true, I couldn’t imagine trying to get in to a relationship right now) or the timing is right, but Lewis has been proactive.
I’m not chasing him. He’s the one that asked to see me on Monday night. He has been continuing the conversation. He’s asked for a repeat.
He asked whether I wanted another couple to join us for a playdate on Thursday night. Another “big black cock” (his words) and his girlfriend who likes to “play with girls”. I’m sincerely not quite sure I’m up for it, but I haven’t ruled it out. Sexually I’ve taken the approach of “seize the day” and it’s usually worked out well for me. My sex club experiences last summer were generally pretty awesome (there was my first experience and the gang bang, notably).
Tony and I spoke on the phone last night. I’m not trying to maintain no-contact, but more like having-enough-contact-he-remembers-how-awesome-I-am-but-not-so-much-that-he-doesn’t-miss-me. Might be juvenile, but it’s true.
I asked him whether he had been thinking about things and he said “constantly”. He admitted a part of him considers whether he should go back to Mary and try to work things out. That he needs to make that decision without the “pull of someone else”.
I told him the reasons I thought he wasn’t ready – the fear of the fight, not knowing how to actually sort out the logistics of a divorce that would work for them, and his general commitment to family and his son that means he feels failure and guilt.
When I said I wasn’t sure those were right, but it was my guess, he said “Ann, wow. You can articulate it so much better than I can.” I guess at some level it helps to know that I’m not wrong about things.
It doesn’t change anything, however.
I need to sort out how much contact, if any, is okay for me. I can’t fall out of love with him, so I don’t really see us being friends any time soon. I’m analytical enough to be able to talk to him about his decisions and his thought process, but he often doesn’t want to be that introspective. I have to ask myself what I get out of our interactions – beyond the nice conversations and laughs.
Is it worse for me to have the reminder of what I’m losing? Perhaps.
I do think part of the decision has to be grounded in how much hope I have. If I know deep down (and I don’t, yet) there is zero hope for us, then I could let it go eventually and the contact wouldn’t be harmful. But to have hope, and then the conversational and/or physical embodiment of what I’m pining for? Yeah, not so good.
Either way, I’ve got a full social calendar this week, with friends and lovers and potential lovers. Work is busy, I’m aiming to go to the gym 4 times in 7 days, and I know I will be okay. Someday.