He did the right thing.

I spoke to Tony early one morning and then sent him an email the next day. My actions and words were deliberate. The words were the right ones for me; I simply had to draw my line in the sand. I knew the risks. I also knew that an email was better than trying to get all of that out in a conversation. Tony listens, absorbs, and processes on his own.

I sent the email yesterday morning and we were supposed to have a dinner and overnight date. When I called him around lunch time to sort out plans, he said he was going to come over early afternoon to my place (I was working from home). When I asked about dinner he was cagey.

In my gut, I knew what was going to happen.

Tony didn’t let himself in as he usually does; he waited for me to come downstairs to the front door. Greeted with a quick kiss, we went upstairs and I heated up some food when I learned he’d already eaten.

I brought my bowl to my kitchen island and sat down next to him. I said “so, what’s up?”

“Ann”, he said, “I can’t be the man you need me to be.”

He started by telling me he couldn’t be the kind of guy who wants to be all over Facebook and super social with lots of couple dates and the like. I explained it wasn’t inherently what I wanted either, but in the absence of having things I needed from him, those things took on increased importance.

He said things weren’t perfect between us although couldn’t articulate exactly what the issues were; in hindsight I don’t think it’s actually what he meant, but it was easier for him to be able to pin it on the fallacy that I need a relationship blasted all over Facebook and he is private.

I told him if he didn’t think this relationship was what he wanted anyway, then there’s no point in going forward.

I suggested to him perhaps given his situation with Mary, he hasn’t ever been able to emotionally give us a real chance, that his heart was perhaps still closed. He balked at the thought; told me he was invested and emotionally committed.

I said, not unkindly, if he was still so connected to his marriage then although he could be invested, he couldn’t be fully invested. His heart couldn’t be fully open to me. We settled on that as being the right analogy and agreed the issue wasn’t about something being wrong in our relationship.

We got to the real issues.

He said we wouldn’t have been having the discussion had I not sent that email. I said I knew the risk when I sent it but had to take care of my own needs. I said I knew there was a very small possibility he would have done what I needed. He said since I told him the day before he had to tell Mary, he’d been thinking about doing so.

He’d wanted to surprise me. But he couldn’t do it. When pressed, he said he didn’t know why.

Tony decided that given my needs, until he was able to sort out his relationship with Mary and his divorce, we shouldn’t be together.

And that, my friends, is the right decision. He did the right thing. Some of you may disagree, but here’s how I see it. He’s clearly not ready. Pretending to be ready may be the path of least resistance (in that he keeps the status quo) but ultimately the weaker decision. Him being honest with me about where he’s at and being able to walk away to sort things out is actually something I hold in much higher regard.

As much as it makes me very sad.

If I doubted how he felt about me, I would frame this in a different way. If I thought I was just a Friend with Benefits to him, or if I really thought he’d been engaging with other women since Chapter 2 of our relationship began, I would feel differently.

We talked about the contents of my letter.

I was right about him not being ready. He agreed exclusivity when we were together the first time was a mistake and he did pursue others after we agreed to be exclusive. But he maintains he didn’t have sex with anyone. I’ve decided to try to just let it go; the past needs to be in the past.

There has been nobody else since he came back to me in October. I believe him.

He joked he appreciated I thought he was such a machine that he could handle anyone else physically other than me. I wear him out as it is. When I said (lightly), emotional capacity is different, he laughed and said “do you really think I have more capability to deal with emotional stuff after you and Mary?”

The man had a point.

I asked what Mary would say if he told her about me and the trip. Or whether she expects that he is coming back. he said he didn’t know; they don’t talk about their relationship. He doesn’t know where she stands and isn’t ready to know. He doesn’t want to know if she’s dating someone else.

I got no sense he’s been actively making her believe there’s more than just co-parenting and shared history. I do believe (since I’ve been in the same position with him before) it’s likely he’s just “let” her believe something that’s untrue. He promised me there has been nothing physical (or untoward) between them since he and I met.

I believe it’s really about his kid and not knowing how to move forward, for fear of a shit storm, parental guilt, and a strong sense of commitment to family.

He said he wished he could continue things as is with her – meaning being able to just go hang out in her back yard with his son since he doesn’t have one and his place is a mess. I told him I didn’t understand why he felt that settling things means that can’t continue; it’s not zero sum. But it’s how he sees it.

I’ve realized subsequently, given how he describes their conversations (“Every divorce discussion ends in a screaming match with her”), it makes sense that he avoids moving forward with her if a) there is still some emotional baggage to deal with, b) they don’t have great conflict resolution capability, and c) she’s got the house and the child and is the social convener and a closer relationship with his mother.

So really, framed that way… if the status quo is manageable, what motivation does he have to finalize his divorce? Avoidance makes a lot of sense. I’m not so egotistical to think separating from me will be a catalyst for change (although he says I am a catalyst, in many respects), but perhaps there’s some small motivation there.

This is all predicated on my believing all the things he said about me before he left my house later that afternoon.

We had been sitting in my kitchen side-by-side. We hadn’t kissed, but hands rested on each others legs and he’d rubbed my legs and arms like he often does. We’d broken up at that point. I’d rested my head on his chest to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. He lifted my head and looked at me and said “you’re the only woman I’ve ever broken up with who I still wanted to make out with.”

I said I would like to spend some time canoodling with him. He suggested I make us some gin and tonics and we can hang out on my couch for a bit.

It was a grand plan.

We went to the couch and kissed and touched and talked. We went from telling each other just how much we cared for one another, to saying how much this sucked but was the right thing for both of us, to how much we were going to miss each other, all between kisses and bites and touches and back-arching nipple sucking.

He told me I was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He learns something new from me every day. I’m basically his best friend; he sees me more than anyone else in his life.

In my letter, I made a comment that he didn’t know how rare I was – I was actually referring only to how open I was to discussing needs and wants and my understanding of human nature – but he took it in the broader context and that was fine by me, because he used it to tell me all the ways he thought I was awesome.

He said “Ann, you are amazing. Smart, strong, kicking ass in a male dominated business. A great leader. Beautiful. Sexy as hell. Sexually open.”

He said “you’re a queen – my queen.”

He said “you fascinate me. You are so smart and so wise and so level-headed. You give me great advice.”

He said “there is so much I wanted to explore with you.”

He said “there is always going to be a piece of my heart that is yours.”

There was more. He said he knew I was going to get “snapped up” very quickly. He told me over and over again how attracted he is to me and how much I turn him on. How this is the best sex of his life. I forget so many of the things he said, but I will never forget how he made me feel.

We established neither of us wanted to say goodbye. There is so much potential between the two of us, our connection is so rare, and there is so much we can explore with each other. We both feel there are very few people in this world we could have spent 5 days with and still wanted more.

He said he would come back for round three, but next time would make sure he’s fully ready and had his shit sorted. He said he’d hurry so he could come back to me quickly.

We talked a lot about staying in contact. He said he’d love to see me even if it’s just as friends. When I asked, he said he would be able to be with me and not try to be physical – when I retorted I guess I overestimated my feminine charms he laughed and said it takes only one minute with me for him to be turned on. So we’d have to go somewhere with bright lights and a set timeline and no touching.

I told him I didn’t think it would be possible for me to see him and not want to be with him. But he could always call me for any advice, even about him and Mary, and I would never be self-serving. I asked him how there would be any motivation for him to get his shit sorted if I continued to see him and be physical with him – his response? Well the motivation is I would get to spend the time with you I’d want.

I will probably need to write a whole post on whether I think I could still see him, and under what conditions.

At some point he pulled away from me and I realized he was uncertain whether he could make any further physical moves. So I said “do you actually think I’m letting you out of my house without having you in my bed one more time?”

He visibly relaxed and said “oh, Ann…good…I mean, the thought of not making out with you again, it was awful. I debated not telling you until after we’d had sex but…”

I interrupted him, laughing, and said “well that would have made you a douchebag, so you will now be rewarded for not being one.”

And I led him upstairs to my bedroom.

It was wonderful. Tender and aggressive and a perfect bittersweet representation of our conversation and feelings for one another.

I told him I thought if there was going to be a chance that we’d have a long(er) term relationship, it had to be this way. He had to deal with his divorce on his own terms and those decisions shouldn’t have anything to do with me. If we tried to keep dating while he went through this, we’d end in a blazing ball of fire.

He joked if we got back together at some other time we may still end up in a blazing ball of fire. Of course. We agreed there are no guarantees in life and neither of us know where things will end up. Who knows what will happen with him or with me.

I know some of what we said is wishful thinking. This isn’t a fast process for someone and inertia is a powerful force with him. I know I could meet someone who is everything I’ve ever wanted, and never look back. He could go back to her or find someone else (admittedly, the latter would be crushing to me). I did say he didn’t have to have the ink dry on the papers, but at least have it in progress and ensure he and Mary are on the same page.

We lay in bed together until he had to go. I could have stayed there forever and under my duvet, by candlelight, snuggled against his chest, it was so hard to think about not having that again.

He suggested maybe we should have a follow-up conversation next week. Smiling, he added “in a public place with lots of lights”. I was non-committal, saying only it might be a good idea.

As he was leaving and my tears came heavy and I hid my face in his chest, he said he knew I would be okay. I said I knew I would be okay; I always am.

I could see the tears well up in his eyes. We didn’t want to say goodbye. But we eventually broke apart and Tony walked out my door and into the cold late afternoon air.


102 thoughts on “He did the right thing.

  1. I’m sorry you’r hurting, but you are right, this was the right decision for both of you, because neither of you was ready for what the other had to offer *right now*.

    I’m sending you hugs. Plenty of them.

    • Thank you Dawn. It sucks. I’m going to miss him so badly. But I sincerely believe this is the best thing right now. Continuing to feel the way I did would have led me to behave in a way detrimental to our relationship. And should he be able to sort out his shit, it’s better for me to not be around during that time.

      • I completely agree. I think I can imagine how bad it hurts. I’m trying not to, because I prefer not envisioning that kind of pain for myself, but… I think I have a fairly good idea.
        I totally agree that it’s better for you not to be around while he sorts his shit out. It may actually make it easier on him she might be able to hear him more easily if she doesn’t believe there is another woman pulling strings on every decision he makes. I certainly know that my ex would have been even more seething if he’d known there was someone in my life. He needed to think I was miserable in order to accept the separation.
        Sending more hugs!
        Good luck!

      • Ann…you’re such an example for me. I have tears flowing down my face, because I still love an asshole and he still thinks because I love him I will allow him.to put me second.
        I had enough…but I am not as strong as you.
        I go through being ok and then he gets me back in, maybe us because of that connection we have…maybe is because he loves body and how it reacts to his…but this is killing me.
        You tool a risk and put down what your thoughts were knowing it might turn out this way….
        I wish I could stand like that and be strong to not give into his needs or so called needs for me.
        Thank you for sharing.

        • I’m sorry to hear you are crying from familiarity. Why do you think you can’t do something similar? I tell Madeline all the time that sometimes you can just do the behavior even if it doesn’t feel like something you can do. Fake it till you make it, I guess. It does work – you do the things a strong person would do and the next thing you know, you’re strong.

          This is not how I’ve always been. Quite the opposite. I would put up with shit treatment because of what the man wanted. Or because I was at some level needing to feel wanted, even if it was only physically.

          So I started to be more mindful of the choices I was making. Then I was able to stop before I turned left, and instead turned right. First time in little ways, then I guess I’ve gotten to the point where I can do it in big ways like this. Not all the time, and maybe not always as quickly as I’d like.

          But I have faith that you can do it too. If it’s killing you, then you can choose another path. Feel free to reach out by email on my contact page if you want to talk more. xo

  2. Aww, this is painful to read! Whilst it’s the right decision rather than him fobbing you off and stringing you along, it seems so wrong – if everything he says about how he feels about you is true, then why doesn’t he sort it out, and fast! Because he’s right, you will get snapped up. Of course you will be alright, but in the meantime it’s tough for you. It’s telling that he said he doesn’t want to know if she’s dating someone else, that shows he hasn’t properly moved on yet, and he recognizes that.

    • He might sort it out faster than I expect. I’m not sure and definitely not trying to have hope in that regard. I need to have it in my head that it could be a year or more and it may never happen. Which will allow me to just do my thing and perhaps be okay with occasional contact with him – because it’s not predicated on hope – and then be surprised if he comes back.

      Given he doesn’t know why he can’t have the conversation, that’s the thing that he first needs to figure out probably, before he can move forward.

  3. Damn. This feels too familiar. I knew this would be the outcome, but it still stings. I want you to let him walk away forever because my gut says he’ll never be ready. Why change when there’s no true incentive.m? Again, you’re brave for standing firm.

    • I knew it too even though I hoped for something different. And you’re right, he may never be ready. I have to go forward assuming it will never be right, so that I can be open to other things that may happen in my life. But I’d be lying if I said there won’t be this little piece of my heart and brain just wishing and hoping for us to *finally* have a real chance at a relationship.

  4. While this is so sad, I am glad that Tony was able to be honest that he can’t give you what you need right now. Time will tell on whether he can finally work towards being that man, but until he has made a final decision about his marriage, that Cathaly is also aware of, he isn’t there.

    • Thanks Sassy. I’m glad too. I do think this shows me he’s got the strength to make a tough decision that’s the right one. He didn’t avoid the conflict with me, and he was honest with me… which demonstrates to me that perhaps he’s capable of behaving differently.

      But it sucks when I think of him being gone from my life.

      • I imagine it will hurt for awhile but just think of all the angst you and Tony are saving you from. It would have driven you mad over time. I also hold out hope that he will use this time wisely and get his shit together in time to move forward with you before you move on.

        • Angst-free is good. I do believe he knows what he’s giving up in me, but I’m not so egotistical that I think it’s enough to overcome the shit he’s got to sort out. I do hope as you say, he uses his time wisely. I’d love for that to happen but for my own sake need to manage my expectations that it won’t.

    • Closure is good, not feeling terrible is better. Sadness sucks but I was already sad. I think I preserved my self through this and am proud of how I acted and pleased I was able to demonstrate to him that conflict can occur in a relationship and it’s not armageddon.

  5. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I’m hurting for you too. In reading your post I started crying because I know he made the right move and I also know how such a wonderful ending feels. I wasn’t able to accept my perfectly good “last” time but your post reminded me just how great it was because the Cowboys decision was right and I accepted it in that moment. You have taken the steps to protect yourself (yes you tried to protect me too, I know) and now reading your story I can understand how you gain strength from being certain of what your needs are no matter how great it feels to be with him. Again, I do admire you (#1 fan here) but I’m so sorry you have to hurt.

    Many hugs and kisses! Xoxoxo

    I’m crying for you right now…gosh…I know how this sucks.

    • I had to smile at your comment – no, you certainly couldn’t accept your last time(s) 😉

      I think that’s the key, what you said. I have to know what’s ultimately best for me, in order to be at peace with the outcome even though I’m sad. As I said to you, my desired outcome of my behaviors was taking care of myself first any foremost. My goal wasn’t to keep him at any cost. Obviously, I could have continued this probably for a long time… but it was hurting me too much.

      We can virtually toast each other this evening with a glass of cava. You’re making great progress. xo

  6. I have tears in my eyes too. The most painful breakup in my history, while a great deal LESS complicated, was just as emotional. We returned each other’s things, had a long conversation, and ended up on the floor entwined in that final embrace. And two times after when we saw each other, the same feelings of my heart crushing.

    I’m glad Tony stepped up, no matter how painful. He’s proven that he IS a good man (even if he made some less than desirable decisions), and for that I, personally, feel gratified that I wasn’t wrong about being on #teamtony. Now, to stick to your guns – and he to continue to move forward in resolutions as was his decision.
    Stay strong and continue to value your worth! Many, many virtual hugs to you (because real ones might look and feel a bit comical as we are quite mismatched in height). << My attempt to paint a funny picture.

    Happy endings do exist! (That boy I broke up with? He's my husband today.)

    • He proved that to me as well, which makes me feel even better about everything. It helps me believe what he says and especially to know that when he came back in October, things were really different instead of me just seeing what I wanted to see.

      I’m still on #TeamTony too, even there’s no fairy tale ending 6 weeks or 6 months or 6 years from now. There will always be a part of me that hopes for that happy ending. I’m glad you have yours 🙂

      Are you crazy tall or super short lol??

  7. This is such a healthy step for both of you. Loving each other isn’t enough if you aren’t getting your needs met. But it brought tears to my eyes to read this and I know this is incredibly hard for you. I hope he figures it out (he really should see a therapist to help him figure his shit out!). I certainly can imagine a round 3 someday, but I know you won’t sit around and wait in the meantime, and you shouldn’t!

    • Thank you Holly. I didn’t get through writing it without tears :/

      He has agreed he should see someone but not sure that will happen. I’ve tried to give him advice gently and at the right time.

      I can imagine it too, and a part of me (a large part right now, which will diminish in size over time) really hopes that chapter 3 happens when he’s ready. But as you say, I’m not going to sit around waiting for that to happen. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

  8. I read this with both heaviness and joy in my heart for you. The things I’ve written to you come from a very personal perspective. I have/had a long-term marriage (now in the process of being dissolved) but the dissolution in my heart took so much time. I can only speak from my end, which may mirror Tony. I do not think of myself as a coward. I am thoughtful, loving, I am imperfect. I married the only person I ever desired to marry. I expected, believed, was taught marriage is forever. That you wait out the bad times because it is a circle that changes. Over the 3 almost 4 years of separation, I dated. There was at least one emotional connection (not love on my part) very early on. It helped to heal me, rebuild me, teach me what good relationships look like, how they make you feel. That relationship did not make me think to formalize anything but helped me know I couldn’t go back. Would I go back was a whole different story. Maybe. I went on with my private, revised visions of possibilities of happily ever after until I met another someone who felt comfort and fire with me. He left me when he saw my husband and I still taking care of the logistics of each others lives. He didn’t feel safe. He wasn’t safe. When he left me I realized how much I had to lose. I wanted my vision of marriage but I wanted a real future. It was a process coming to this. I don’t know if you and Tony have a future. I will not return to either of the men I knew. There is someone else better suited to me, I know this now but both the former and latter were necessary for me. I think of them with affection.

    A reason, a season Ann. I enjoy your writings, your openness. I am camp Ann. When I root for you I root for me! Congratulations on this triumph. They will get better!

    • Thank you for sharing your story, Cheri. It sounds difficult, but important you are also able to see what you gained from each of those relationships.

      I have no idea what will happen with Tony and me in the future, if anything. I have to move on as if we will never be together again. I’d love to think that he will miss me enough that he endeavors to get his shit sorted to he can be back with me… but that’s just the romantic speaking 🙂

      Thank you for your support 🙂

      • The romantic in you is a big part of this love story. To me it is beautiful. Don’t sell it short. Take time to savor it and extract every good thing from it. You’ll be surprised how much you’ve overlooked. Realizing what you’ve given sometimes changes the landscape. I told you my story because their acts of love changed my life. That is the potential of what you’ve given. Pay homage to it and yourself and recieve all the gifts he gave you too. You wont be sad for long.

  9. Yowzers! That was intense and possibly one of the sweetest endings I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been following your relationship with Tony from day one and what a ride it has been. I sincerely hope Ann that one day you find a man that can be all you need him to be because I can’t think of anyone who deserves this more than you. Thank you for sharing this journey.
    Now, I have a dilemma of my own that I would like to get some feedback on and I can’t think of anyone better suited to understand than you. But I wish to do this privately if possible.

  10. Ann, I’m so sorry – for both of you. But at the same time, I think you’re both doing the right thing by parting now with unrealized potential than burning it out with unmet needs and distrustful feelings consuming the time you spend together.

      • My DH and I chatted on the phone and were very casual acquaintances/friend for months before he basically broke up with me because I was not willing to jump into bed with him on his (very short) timeline and while he was actively pursuing other women. It was several months before he came to his senses and realized what type of woman he had so carelessly tossed aside, so I have some hope for you as a couple once he gets himself sorted out. It’s sometimes hugely challenging to do the right thing for the right reasons at the right time, so kudos to both of you for recognizing and being mature about it.

  11. I’m sorry it had to end, but as you say, you were prepared for this outcome. Good on Tony for at least recognizing the right thing to do and not stringing you along for his benefit. Sending hugs.

  12. I know this is painful – for both of you – but I think it’s a massive success. You figured out what you needed and you respected your own needs. You spoke your truth to him, in a way that was not unkind. He stepped up and responded with kind honesty in turn. There is no failure in any of this – on the contrary, you both successfully identified current incompatibilities and made rational decisions without being hurtful.

    In light of his comment about Mary screaming at him, his behavior makes a lot of sense. She punishes him when he tells her difficult truths and effectively rewards him for lies. Bonus points to you for clearly showing him that he can speak truth to you and not be punished for it. That may bear fruit…

    • I’m glad you see it that way. Makes me happy. I’m proud of both of us and impressed with how he handled it. I realized yesterday mid-conversation that he’s *never* been cruel or mean to me, even when angry or frustrated. I can’t say the same thing about Will or Fox. He is fundamentally a kind guy.

      With regard to Mary – I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle, but it’s his impression that counts I suppose. There’s a lot of history between the two of them. But having said that, I really did want him to see that it can be different with me. Even if he doesn’t come back to me, he’ll at least know that his relationship with Mary isn’t the model of all relationships.

    • I completely agree about the freedom to speak once truth without being punished for it. I realize that this is something I am being offered right now, but am also offering, and it is a wonderful feeling (he seems to think so too, even though he is only slowly coming out of his shell).
      I am hopeful that this will show Tony that things are possible without fighting and ugliness. And may lead him to change, whether for Ann or if it’s too late for Ann, for someone else 🙂

      Still sucks that it had to end though :-/

  13. I’m sorry to hear the you are hurting and have to go through breaking up. Credit to Tony who did the right thing (especially for someone non-confrontational), and to you for choosing and sticking to what’s best for you.

  14. I’m sorry you’re hurting. 🙁 But good for you for stating your needs, and good for Tony for realizing he can’t meet them now. I hope he someday gets his crap together!

  15. The most elusive magic in life is meeting the right person at the right time. You met the right person, but maybe the future will be the right time. Good for both of you for managing a mature break up.

  16. I’m so sorry about this :(. I know I get fist wavy, but believe me when I say that I don’t WANT to see the things I see as a third party looking in. I really don’t. So it makes me sad when things don’t work out.

    And you are right: he made the right decision for both of you. It absolutely shows his regard for you that he did the hard thing (for both of you) and called it versus pretending he was going to do something that he isn’t (yet) willing or capable of doing.

    Boo :(.

    *all the hugs*


  17. I am so sorry that it didn’t work out with Tony. My suggestion would be to take a little time to think about the lessons learned from both Fox and a Tony. You are a smart woman and can grow from this, but I think you need some time to digest it all. ((Hugs))

  18. What a beautiful post and heart-breaking story of yet another separation from the man you love.

    Initially after reading it I felt somewhat judgemental about Tony and perhaps even angry with him. I thought that he was taking an easy way out by choosing to let you go (with some vague promises about the future) rather than making the needed changes in your life. But now I recognize that it is of course more complex than that. And perhaps his decision is a gesture of respect towards you above all.
    Hope you feel better soon. You’re my inspiration in how bravely and honestly and maturely you’ve been handling it.

  19. And THAT’S how it should end…my gut was saying all the time he just didn’t seem right for you…And now, you can take some much needed time for yourself…are you still seeing a therapist? If not, I suggest making an apt…

    • I stopped seeing the therapist when she basically told me I was just fine. I had been talking to her about men and my father and whether I was able to make decisions that were right for me, instead of being attracted to and staying with unavailable men, to my detriment. She saw I was making good choices and understood my own triggers and was able to overcome them. So we stopped talking. I’m open to hearing your answer so I mean this sincerely – what do you think I need to see a therapist for?

      • Well, I always think its a good idea to process an end of a relationship with a therapist…but I guess, maybe it’s not needed, cause you do use this blog to process…

        • Fair enough. Sometime I think I process too much! I was curious whether you saw something in my outlook or behavior that I wasn’t aware of which should get worked through. Don’t get me wrong; there are always things I can improve on. And although I feel very sad at the loss of all the nice things I got with Tony, I’m at peace with my decision.
          Appreciate the support, as always.

  20. I knew I should not have read this right before going to bed.
    I’m sad over reading this.
    Ann.. Many big hugs your way and whatever tomorrow brings please continue to hold your head high.
    Yes, I have hope that chapter 3 will happen, but even if it doesn’t, you will be alright.
    Again… more hugs!!!

  21. It’s for the best.

    He was emotionally unavailable…and will be for some time.

    He was a lesson in disguise for you.

    Might you consider a month-long timeout from men?

    • In the last few weeks he was rather available emotionally – just not enough.
      And I might consider it. I haven’t reopened any dating profiles yet… But I may pursue some casual sex. It’s a good distraction and I’m able to keep from getting emotionally involved. But not via Tinder or trying to find anyone new. That just feels exhausting and fraught with too much bullshit.

  22. I’m glad he did the right thing by you, Ann.
    You deserve no less.
    I’m sorry you’re hurting but who knows what the future holds, right? Maybe Tony’s path will cross yours again.

    By the way, I’ve broken up with many girls (okay,a few), but I’ve never had break-up sex! Tony’s one lucky bastard!

  23. The right choice is not always a good one. I never felt it was right when he got back I did always hope.
    Sorry to hear he stepped down instead of up.
    But he found clarity for himself as well now.
    Him not having his head settled down. I think you know of all people how it is when you become a co-parent. That it isn’t an easy step taken.

    Just want to give you some big hugs. Stay true to yourself. Again big hugs.

    • I do think he stepped up in a different way, just not the way I wanted. But knowing he wasn’t ready and acting on that took some guts and I was pleased to see he had them.
      Hugs accepted my friend. Thank you. xo

  24. Dear Ann,
    I tried to respond to you on Aussa’s blog last night, so forgive me for not reaching you until this morning.
    I’m so sorry to hear about your pain, but you did do the right thing. Why is it that the right things have to also be the most difficult?
    And yes, you are welcome to come visit me in KS any time. Though…the scenery sucks in the winter.
    Holding you in my heart, my friend. xo

  25. Ann,
    For the record, I’m not anti Tony, I’m pro Ann. That being said, as painful as it was for him (and you), he did the right and honorable thing. Honestly I hope this will be a catalyst for him to address the issues and maybe have a round three between you two. The third time is always a charm!

    In the meantime I wish you all the best!


    • I hope it’s a catalyst too, but need to expect it’s not. I do believe he knows what he’s missing with me out of his life… I just don’t think it is enough to spur him into action.

      Thanks Coop!! xoxo right back 🙂

  26. I’m so sorry to read this. It is the right thing, but I makes me sad. I see so much of you and Tony’s relationship with mine and my old lover’s. He had the same hang-up’s with his wife (separated but not divorced from), and we could never have anything because of it. I just wish that my lover had been as genteel as Tony was about it all. You are lucky in the approach that he took with it. And Tony is lucky with the response you gave him. I look forward to hopefully hearing about Chapter 3 with you and Tony.

What do you think?