I have been talking to Tony off and on in the last three weeks since we broke up. The first week, there were gaps of two or three days before some brief text exchanges.
We’ve spoken on the phone twice, neither conversations about us as much as continuing to update each other on our lives.
In the heat of the breakup, I bought him a Valentine’s Day present. Yes, I could argue with myself about the necessity. But I won’t. It was a gift of opportunity – he and I had been talking about ties, Hermes ties in particular, and I found a vintage Hermes tie with a cactus pattern.
Some of you may remember that in my Chapter 1 with Tony, I told him even if I was a cactus I would die from lack of relationship care and feeding. It became an ongoing joke between us – was I actually an orchid, or a spider plant, or truly a cactus and he was just bad at care and feeding.
So the combination of Hermes tie and cactus was too much for me to ignore.
I have also been thinking a lot about whether to stay in any contact with Tony. In the absence of hope that something will change, and knowing there’s nothing I can do that will make a difference (see him, not see him, talk to him, not talk to him, etc), it comes down to how it makes me feel.
The conversations with him were nice; no matter what, we have a great time chatting, I like to know how he’s doing, and he makes me laugh.
I’ve realized something very important: when he mentions anything to do with his friends, or his ex, or time with his son, it takes me right back to the hurt of not being part of his life. Those are not reminders I need in my life. And to have that be off limits is ridiculous. What’s the point of having something superficial?
Add to the above that I’d met HWSNBN (aka Sevag). As much as I want to pace myself, I have enough experience to know when something has potential. He and I have potential. So (and this is probably a whole other post) if there is anything I want to do relating to other men, it needs to be done soon.
To recap: I had a Valentine’s gift for Tony which I wanted to give to him. I had been thinking about what kind of contact I could handle with Tony. And I knew if I was going to see him, it needed to be soon.
We arranged to meet mid week last week. It was the day after my coffee meeting with HWSNBN. I have Liam so Tony and I arranged that he’d come over after Liam fell asleep. I almost cancelled at the last minute, but wanted to get it over with and was curious how I would respond.
It was nice to see him, but I know I’m emotionally okay. I’ve done the bulk of the healing I need to do with Tony. I felt none of that keening hunger of “oh please come back to me I can’t be without you”. I felt “it’s nice and comfortable but it’s over”.
As a friend said to me, of course it’s comfortable and great because this is your bike, Ann. You know how to ride the bike, you’re used to it. You got back on your bike.
We didn’t start with a kiss, but it wasn’t long before his hand was on my knee. He LOVED the gift, and the card with it. When he hugged me to say thank you, it was a loooooong lingering hug.
He hadn’t shaved his head since our time away together, and it was desperately needed. I offered and he sheepishly accepted.
We stood up to go upstairs and he pulled me into his arms. When I looked up into his eyes, we paused and then kissed. Of course, it’s amazing. He’s my bike.
After his head was shaved, during which his hands roamed, the kisses turned more urgent. Then he pulled away, looked down at me and said “Ann, you need to know, we don’t have to do this. I mean, I can see you and not do this. It would make me sad to not have this again, but I could do it if we need to.”
The sex was the same as always. Passionate and wonderful. He asked if he could stay over, and I said yes.
The waking up at 5am to have him pull me into him, take me from behind, and end in a pile of sweat was bittersweet.
Other than two text messages exchanged, started by him, I haven’t texted or spoken to him since.
I’m fine. I’m good, and while I know we’ll stay in infrequent touch, I’m okay with that too.