An early Valentine’s present for Tony, and one for me: realizing I’m fine

I have been talking to Tony off and on in the last three weeks since we broke up. The first week, there were gaps of two or three days before some brief text exchanges.

We’ve spoken on the phone twice, neither conversations about us as much as continuing to update each other on our lives.

In the heat of the breakup, I bought him a Valentine’s Day present. Yes, I could argue with myself about the necessity. But I won’t. It was a gift of opportunity – he and I had been talking about ties, Hermes ties in particular, and I found a vintage Hermes tie with a cactus pattern.

Some of you may remember that in my Chapter 1 with Tony, I told him even if I was a cactus I would die from lack of relationship care and feeding. It became an ongoing joke between us – was I actually an orchid, or a spider plant, or truly a cactus and he was just bad at care and feeding.

So the combination of Hermes tie and cactus was too much for me to ignore.

::

I have also been thinking a lot about whether to stay in any contact with Tony. In the absence of hope that something will change, and knowing there’s nothing I can do that will make a difference (see him, not see him, talk to him, not talk to him, etc), it comes down to how it makes me feel.

The conversations with him were nice; no matter what, we have a great time chatting, I like to know how he’s doing, and he makes me laugh.

BUT.

I’ve realized something very important: when he mentions anything to do with his friends, or his ex, or time with his son, it takes me right back to the hurt of not being part of his life. Those are not reminders I need in my life. And to have that be off limits is ridiculous. What’s the point of having something superficial?

Add to the above that I’d met HWSNBN (aka Sevag). As much as I want to pace myself, I have enough experience to know when something has potential. He and I have potential. So (and this is probably a whole other post) if there is anything I want to do relating to other men, it needs to be done soon.

To recap: I had a Valentine’s gift for Tony which I wanted to give to him. I had been thinking about what kind of contact I could handle with Tony. And I knew if I was going to see him, it needed to be soon.

We arranged to meet mid week last week. It was the day after my coffee meeting with HWSNBN. I have Liam so Tony and I arranged that he’d come over after Liam fell asleep. I almost cancelled at the last minute, but wanted to get it over with and was curious how I would respond.

::

It was nice to see him, but I know I’m emotionally okay. I’ve done the bulk of the healing I need to do with Tony. I felt none of that keening hunger of “oh please come back to me I can’t be without you”. I felt “it’s nice and comfortable but it’s over”.

As a friend said to me, of course it’s comfortable and great because this is your bike, Ann. You know how to ride the bike, you’re used to it. You got back on your bike.

We didn’t start with a kiss, but it wasn’t long before his hand was on my knee. He LOVED the gift, and the card with it. When he hugged me to say thank you, it was a loooooong lingering hug.

He hadn’t shaved his head since our time away together, and it was desperately needed. I offered and he sheepishly accepted.

We stood up to go upstairs and he pulled me into his arms. When I looked up into his eyes, we paused and then kissed. Of course, it’s amazing. He’s my bike.

After his head was shaved, during which his hands roamed, the kisses turned more urgent. Then he pulled away, looked down at me and said “Ann, you need to know, we don’t have to do this. I mean, I can see you and not do this. It would make me sad to not have this again, but I could do it if we need to.”

The sex was the same as always. Passionate and wonderful. He asked if he could stay over, and I said yes.

The waking up at 5am to have him pull me into him, take me from behind, and end in a pile of sweat was bittersweet.

::

Other than two text messages exchanged, started by him, I haven’t texted or spoken to him since.

I’m fine. I’m good, and while I know we’ll stay in infrequent touch, I’m okay with that too.

47 thoughts on “An early Valentine’s present for Tony, and one for me: realizing I’m fine

      • I just wish Tony would introduce some stability into your relationship.

        Sure the sex is great, but you never know where you stand with this guy. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s how I feel.

        • Perhaps I missed saying this explicitly in my post. My relationship with Tony is done. I don’t feel the need to keep seeing him in any kind of physical way. We will probably keep in touch in frequently via text, but that’s it. And not because I’m hoping for any kind of change or relationship.

          • In that case… never mind.
            And good for you, Ann! I know you genuinely loved Tony, but the relationship just wasn’t working. You deserve someone who sees you for the exceptionally-wonderful human being you are. Onward and upward!

          • You’re right, I do. Yes, I genuinely love him. There’s always going to be a part of my heart for him, I suspect. I’m okay with that. Doesn’t mean I’m willing to take what he can give me – it’s just not enough for me.

  1. how is this going to play out when you “may” get to the point of being totally open and honest with Ali? Will his feelings be hurt?

    • Sorry not sure what you mean? I’m certainly not feeling a need to share anything I did with another man after a coffee date with Ali. And I’m not planning on seeing Tony again… That was the point. I’m fine. I may talk to him, but I don’t have any need to continue to see him AND be physical with him.

        • Even so… After one date I’m not exclusive with someone. I don’t feel the need to explain myself. If I fucked Lewis the day after that night at Ali’s I wouldn’t tell him… The caveat being I also haven’t let him believe he’s the only man in my life.

          • No, I haven’t seen Lewis since I met Ali. He’s stayed in steady contact but it’s mostly consisted of him sending me MFM threesome pics of a blonde with two black men. He wants to make that happen for me, and while I’d like it to happen, the window of opportunity is closing!

  2. Nice. I couldn’t do it. I’m glad you are feeling fine about it, though. I still have feelings about Tony, so every time you mention him I feel myself sighing. Ali offers quite a package… but so much intensity so early might have me running. Still, you sound very clear in your head about all this…so I say enjoy the ride. (no pun intended…haha!)

    • I will always have feelings for Tony, there’s no question. They will just go under the surface. He can’t be or do what I need right now, and probably not for a very long time. I have to assume it’s never going to happen.

  3. You are a very STRONG woman to be able to make such life choices. I truly respect your ability to KNOW what you want (need?) and act on it.
    BTW, you ended the last post with a BIG tease. It seems your readers are the only ones being teased around here! 😉 I had to get up and do laundry last night to take my mind off the possibilities. Thank You!!

      • It was a distraction, for a while! If only my wife only knew the reason for my passion when I woke her up later. I don’t think she’d mind.;-)
        But the reason I came back to the computer just now was to replace the word “woman” in the first line above to “person”. I didn’t want to sound sexist. Oh, to be so confident in my life choices.

  4. Interesting symmetry. The same pattern with Ali played out at the beginning of your relationship with Fox–sleeping with Tony again while in the early stages of trying to develop a relationship with an earnest, emotionally available man. And you chose to try to develop a new relationship with another man very soon after another round with the love of your life. I’m not sure how healthy that is, at least for any chances of the new relationship working out as anything more than a rebound.

    Of course, you owed neither Fox nor Ali any exclusivity at the point you were doing this at similar stages with both of them, but I do find it interesting that of all the people to be sleeping with at the same time as trying to cultivate a relationship with someone else, it’s Tony–the one man you are in love with and don’t think you’ll ever get over. I’m not sure how healthy that is either.

    It seems your insistence that you accept that you and Tony aren’t going to work out is some form of justification for continuing to fall back into bed with him, as if you are immune to the feelings that being with him stirs up, but I’m not sure how that’s possible. It’s one thing to “know” something on a conscious level. It’s another entirely to know it on a more primal one.

    I don’t doubt that if and when you and Ali have an exclusivity conversation you will refrain from sleeping with Tony anymore, but given the pattern now of Tony’s proximity, both emotionally and sexually to these new relationships, it will be interesting to see if the outcome this time is different than it was the last time.

    • First of all it wasn’t justification for seeing Tony. Seeing Tony helped me prove it to myself.

      And while yes, I saw Tony after meeting Fox, but that was I think after a month of dating? I was in a different place in my hope for something with Tony.
      Ali was just one coffee date and to be very honest, one of the reasons I saw Tony when I did was to get it over with. As much as I will always have a place in my heart for him, I don’t yearn for a relationship with him the same way I did.
      I know you may not believe me but it’s something I know to be true, not something I’m trying to convince myself of.

      Ali isn’t a rebound. I wasn’t looking for it and not yearning to have some hole filled. Not saying a relationship is going to happen with him, but a rebound for me is more about an emotional state than anything else.

      And don’t forget I’ve seen Lewis a couple of times too.

      • Be that as it may, I still think that falling back into bed and staying in regular contact with Tony while trying to cultivate a new relationship isn’t really fair to the new person. Lewis doesn’t count, he isn’t the love of your life, he doesn’t have a hold on you the way Tony does, and it’s disingenuous to conflate you seeing Lewis with you seeing Tony, as if it’s the same thing. It’s not remotely, and you know that.

        Even if as you say you are truly in a place where you don’t yearn for a relationship with Tony anymore, you’re still in love with him. And even though you say you probably will never get over that for Tony, I don’t see how keeping him around in your life right now and the inevitable pull to sleep with him when you do see him helps with respect to being able to be fully present and committed, not just sexually, but emotionally for any new relationship, be it with Ali or whomever else.

        I know that if I started seeing a woman that I had an interest in cultivating a relationship with, and knew that she was not only still in love with someone else, but had recently slept with him again and was keeping him actively in the periphery of her life, that would be the reddest of red flags for me.

        I hope you do prove me wrong, but I guess for now I’m going to remain a skeptic.

        • I wasn’t in any way trying to suggest that Lewis is on par with Tony!!

          I am not going to stay in regular contact with Tony; if I gave that impression in my post I’m sorry. The whole point of my post was I saw him and knew I was okay with not doing it anymore. It’s very freeing.

          I am not keeping him active in the periphery of my life. I may talk to him occasionally, sure. But emotionally I’m in a way different place than I was in the summer.

          I appreciate you being skeptical, that’s fine, but I do know what’s in my heart and head.

  5. Meh, sounds like a great meal of comfort food. Just be careful you don’t become Tony’s FWB. That was my first thought. Otherwise, if your head is in the right spot (and I think it is), you are doing just fine. You are a busy lady.

  6. you are a free agent right now, i do not think that you need to be yelled at for anything. whether you decide more with Tony, or Ali? i think as long as you are honest with yourself that you are just fine. do not put any pressure on yourself, just live in the moment and be honest…xxx

  7. In some ways, there is an element of closure in this meet-up with Tony. You made the choice to spend the night with him and you walked away from it with no new bleeding wounds, still sure of yourself and your choices regarding that relationship. Kudos to you for understanding the difference between making a choice to be with Tony versus giving in to a desire to try to keep the flame of hope alive for a different outcome for your relationship.

    • Yes!! Thank you Janelle, for being able to articulate it way better than I could! And that’s exactly it – it changed nothing for me to my detriment. I didn’t hope for any outcome, and walked away even more sure that I’d made the right decision.
      xoxo

  8. I completely understand why you did this and I would do the exact same thing in your situation. My desires, and wants, are complex and intertwined and do not turn off easily, so I could totally see the reasoning behind wanting to be with Tony if for no other reason to validate that you are in a place where being with him for a short passionate time doesn’t
    cause you to be shattered. And to give up that kind of gift of physical connection and intimacy would be really fucking hard because, I know for myself, that doesn’t come along terribly often. Good for you Ann.

      • I doubt there are many people who could love someone like that but coupled with Tonys rejection and lack of commitment towards you could keep going back for more. It would tear most sane folk apart.

        • I don’t see what happened with Tony as a rejection at all. His actions in the past few months speak to how much he actually does love me. But those feelings don’t override his deep seated fear of not being a family anymore. He was as committed to me as he could be – and yes, it wasn’t enough because I was ready for more. But I’m the one who made the decision, who told him what I needed knowing full well there was a 1% chance he could actually do it. I can’t keep going back with an expectation that anything will change. I’m think I’m sane because I realize this. But my love for him doesn’t change because he can’t do what I need.

What do you think?