There’s something great about having a blog to refresh my (sometimes selective) memory. It’s handier than a paper journal because it has handy tags and categories.
I just read every post I’ve written about Tony. There are many of them. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting at my computer, in a nightgown, socks, and the cardigan he left here earlier this week.
We spoke last night; I asked him about the parties he didn’t invite me to and he said it was for production company employees only – no guests.
There was more to the conversation, some of which left me uneasy and some of which made me feel better. I will write more about it later.
But reading all the history of Tony – which spans 11 months, incredibly – I’ve realized a few things:
He does really care for me. He’s told me I’m a huge part of his life, that at times he thinks I’m all he’s ever wanted, that he returns my feelings (which was followed by “but the timing is wrong”), that he knows I’m fun, beautiful, adventurous, and intelligent. I’m the only woman he’s had sex with who he also fantasizes about. The sweet verbal nuggets are sprinkled throughout my posts.
He’s not a great communicator. Never has been. It’s not specific to me and he knows it’s not his strong suit. However, in comparing my posts from last December to June to those in the last four weeks, there has been a definite change in his communication with me.
When he’s working on set, he doesn’t text that much. That hasn’t changed nor do I expect it to. I don’t text much either when I’m in intense all day meetings. He also doesn’t keep me posted on his day the way I’d be inclined to. But he hasn’t gone days without communicating with me. He’s called me almost every single day in the last month. He’s responded to my texts when he’s busy, even if it’s just to say “Swamped will text later.”
He gets stressed and anxious and doesn’t deal with it well. His pot smoking is him self-medicating; he’s said if not for pot he’d likely be on Ritalin and when he doesn’t smoke he gets very anxious. I’ve seen this in action; it’s not a ruse for lack of communication.
I say this not to excuse any of the stuff he does I don’t like, but I do recognize now it’s not about me. It’s not personal and is not a reflection necessarily of his feelings for me. I shouldn’t ascribe motivation to his behaviors.
He makes time to see me. Seeing his schedule and life through his frame of reference, I have to recognize he absolutely makes time to see me. He’s not me, so I shouldn’t judge his abilities to deal with his life / work / child challenges based on what I’m capable of.
He still has some sorting out to do. Not a shock, but in case anyone thinks I’m fooling myself, I’m not. He has yet to finalize his divorce, and he doesn’t actually know how to manage his work and his desire to see his son on a regular basis. It’s less about the relationship with his ex as it is about missing the family unit and craving the regularity of contact with his son.
Well, compared to our December – June relationship, some things are different. The most notable being his level of communication and presence with me. I do believe he’s internalized two of the things I needed to consider a relationship with him: he now knows the value I bring to a relationship, and he knows the intellectual and physical chemistry we have is rare. He really missed me in the months I was absent from his life.
The third criteria was him being finished with his marriage. Obviously that’s not happened yet, even if he wouldn’t be doing it because he misses the relationship with his ex, the net result is the same. He did tell me once if it wasn’t for me, he would have gone back to her.
Perhaps that’s why he’s still scared. Scared of a commitment, scared of love, scared of only having sex with one more person for the rest of his life.
I’ve spent two days down the rabbit hole of jealousy and fear, and I don’t like being there.
I know what I’m getting with Tony; it could be a long journey with him to get more comfortable, and I could find at the end of it that’s he’s ended up on a different path and mine is a dead end. One day he could tell me he’s moving back into his house and we are over.
For someone whose work and core being is all about planning how to get from point A to B, solving problems and removing barriers along the way, and who believes in internal locus of control, it’s incredibly frustrating to admin I can’t plan this or solve this.
I also can’t un-love someone. Even my esthetician said to me “you’re in love with him, aren’t you?” I wish I wasn’t.
She also told me the heart has no commander: she’s very wise. When I told her Fox and Tony were polar opposites, that Fox did all the right things but we didn’t have the intellectual chemistry I need, while Tony and I have incredible intellectual and physical chemistry but still has shit to sort out, she said “but Ann, that’s what it’s all about…being with someone you love to be with.”
How right she is. If the test is who can I see myself hanging out with when we’re 80 and still laughing and talking together? It’s Tony. There’s no question and no hesitation.
It’s really all up to me what I’m going to deal with. I know hormones and illness and cancelled plans with friends exacerbated my recent funk. I absolutely won’t remain on the kind of emotional roller coaster I was on before. I know my worth. I know I don’t need to feel bad in a relationship and I know I should be treated well. I don’t need a man to make me feel worthy.
I also know I want to be with someone I love to be with.
Can I do it? Can I be patient with him yet honor my feelings?
I don’t know, honestly.
I can for right now. One day at a time.