A blog is convenient when your memory fails | Tony summarized.

There’s something great about having a blog to refresh my (sometimes selective) memory. It’s handier than a paper journal because it has handy tags and categories.

I just read every post I’ve written about Tony. There are many of them. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting at my computer, in a nightgown, socks, and the cardigan he left here earlier this week.

We spoke last night; I asked him about the parties he didn’t invite me to and he said it was for production company employees only – no guests.

There was more to the conversation, some of which left me uneasy and some of which made me feel better. I will write more about it later.

But reading all the history of Tony – which spans 11 months, incredibly – I’ve realized a few things:

He does really care for me. He’s told me I’m a huge part of his life, that at times he thinks I’m all he’s ever wanted, that he returns my feelings (which was followed by “but the timing is wrong”), that he knows I’m fun, beautiful, adventurous, and intelligent. I’m the only woman he’s had sex with who he also fantasizes about. The sweet verbal nuggets are sprinkled throughout my posts.

He’s not a great communicator. Never has been. It’s not specific to me and he knows it’s not his strong suit. However, in comparing my posts from last December to June to those in the last four weeks, there has been a definite change in his communication with me.

When he’s working on set, he doesn’t text that much. That hasn’t changed nor do I expect it to. I don’t text much either when I’m in intense all day meetings. He also doesn’t keep me posted on his day the way I’d be inclined to. But he hasn’t gone days without communicating with me. He’s called me almost every single day in the last month. He’s responded to my texts when he’s busy, even if it’s just to say “Swamped will text later.”

He gets stressed and anxious and doesn’t deal with it well. His pot smoking is him self-medicating; he’s said if not for pot he’d likely be on Ritalin and when he doesn’t smoke he gets very anxious. I’ve seen this in action; it’s not a ruse for lack of communication.

I say this not to excuse any of the stuff he does I don’t like, but I do recognize now it’s not about me. It’s not personal and is not a reflection necessarily of his feelings for me. I shouldn’t ascribe motivation to his behaviors.

He makes time to see me. Seeing his schedule and life through his frame of reference, I have to recognize he absolutely makes time to see me. He’s not me, so I shouldn’t judge his abilities to deal with his life / work / child challenges based on what I’m capable of.

He still has some sorting out to do. Not a shock, but in case anyone thinks I’m fooling myself, I’m not. He has yet to finalize his divorce, and he doesn’t actually know how to manage his work and his desire to see his son on a regular basis. It’s less about the relationship with his ex as it is about missing the family unit and craving the regularity of contact with his son.

So what?

Well, compared to our December – June relationship, some things are different. The most notable being his level of communication and presence with me. I do believe he’s internalized two of the things I needed to consider a relationship with him: he now knows the value I bring to a relationship, and he knows the intellectual and physical chemistry we have is rare. He really missed me in the months I was absent from his life.

The third criteria was him being finished with his marriage. Obviously that’s not happened yet, even if he wouldn’t be doing it because he misses the relationship with his ex, the net result is the same.Β He did tell me once if it wasn’t for me, he would have gone back to her.

Perhaps that’s why he’s still scared. Scared of a commitment, scared of love, scared of only having sex with one more person for the rest of his life.

I’ve spent two days down the rabbit hole of jealousy and fear, and I don’t like being there.

I know what I’m getting with Tony; it could be a long journey with him to get more comfortable, and I could find at the end of it that’s he’s ended up on a different path and mine is a dead end. One day he could tell me he’s moving back into his house and we are over.

For someone whose work and core being is all about planning how to get from point A to B, solving problems and removing barriers along the way, and who believes in internal locus of control, it’s incredibly frustrating to admin I can’t plan this or solve this.

So.

I also can’t un-love someone. Even my esthetician said to me “you’re in love with him, aren’t you?” I wish I wasn’t.

She also told me the heart has no commander: she’s very wise. When I told her Fox and Tony were polar opposites, that Fox did all the right things but we didn’t have the intellectual chemistry I need, while Tony and I have incredible intellectual and physical chemistry but still has shit to sort out, she said “but Ann, that’s what it’s all about…being with someone you love to be with.”

How right she is. If the test is who can I see myself hanging out with when we’re 80 and still laughing and talking together? It’s Tony. There’s no question and no hesitation.

It’s really all up to me what I’m going to deal with. I know hormones and illness and cancelled plans with friends exacerbated my recent funk. I absolutely won’t remain on the kind of emotional roller coaster I was on before. I know my worth. I know I don’t need to feel bad in a relationship and I know I should be treated well. I don’t need a man to make me feel worthy.

I also know I want to be with someone I love to be with.

Can I do it? Can I be patient with him yet honor my feelings?

I don’t know, honestly.

I can for right now. One day at a time.

62 thoughts on “A blog is convenient when your memory fails | Tony summarized.

  1. Any relationship is a body of work – don’t ever forget this. They might happen “on their own” but once they start, both people have work to do and it never ends until the relationship ends. Work one moment at a time or one day at a time but the work must continue and it is NEVER as easy as we might want it to be so no living in that fairy tale in your head, roll up your sleeves, and get to work…

    • Thank you Forester. I do feel moderately better mentally – am actively fighting the negative thoughts but also thinking about a way to honor some of those feelings with him.

      Physically I’m getting there but still feeling crappy. This cold is a doozy!

    • Quite true. I’ve always been happy when I’m with him. The key is remaining happy in the spaces between seeing each other… that was the problem in the spring. So far it’s been good.

      • As you mentioned before it’s difficult being in a relationship where you feel vulnerable because you never know where’s it’s heading. Yet I’ve also come to see as long as he’s making an effort that’s all that really matters in the end. Because when you look back on it, did the person make you feel happy or sad ?

  2. Oh Ann! Thank you for writing this!
    I’ve spent all day going through this same sort of crap. And tonight, my house is clean (for me), I’m showered and he can’t make it in the end and… I’m alright. I’m still happy. Because I know he wants to see me as much as I want to see him. He kept his whole week open to see me. And at the end of the day, exactly like you’re saying: he may not be ready to move at the same pace I am, and our journey may end any time. But for now, the connection we have… it’s worth it all. And if one day it’s not worth it any more for me… then I can always move on. But for now… I’m ready to keep enjoying what we have πŸ™‚

    I wonder what’s going on with the stars though. We went through similar crap at similar times and came to similar conclusions at similar times πŸ˜‰

    Hope you get to 100% soon!
    XO

  3. That’s exactly it; knowing your worth. Furthermore it’s good that Tony knows that you know your worth too. It creates respect. Remember, he has just as much, if not more, to loose than you.

    • My blog? Nope. Haven’t told him I blog… I did come close once. But now after my experience with Fox I’m not thinking it’s a good idea for the near term at least.

      Why do you ask?

      • I was thinking of what you just went through and I didn’t know if Tony knew. One thing about being so free and open with people, you (I) forget that it can come back and bite you in unsuspecting ways. I’ve learned and seen that. I know the temptation to share though. Personally, I stuff it down and bite my tongue. : )

  4. It seems like you’ve answered your own questions…now if you can just remember that. There is no rush, if the guy is right then it will be forever and this is just an investment for the future. Think about this. Both of you are older and wiser than you were when you got married. You know better what you’re looking for in a partner, and what you will or won’t except. No one will be perfect…like a used car it may be great but it will have some wear and tare. He makes you happy…you can read that between the lines of all your blog posts about him, or even when you were with Fox.

    • I’m working on the “no rush” thing. Some days are better than others… I have so many other things to do that it should be easy for me to fill my time elsewhere.

      But when the doubts creep in it doesn’t really help me, busy or not, and it makes it hard to enjoy what I have with him.

      • I saw your mention in your most recent post about him not knowing that he can trust you yet. If he is like I think he is, a bit like me, then that is a real tough one that will take time and as much warmth and support as you can muster.

          • You’re certainly right to be on guard, because that’s only natural. I totally misread what you were saying then, but my conclusion may still be right. It seems like he manages things poorly in his head, and probably doesn’t always know what he wants, and can be a little slow to figure that out. I know that I have too many options and variables in my head and it makes it hard to make any decision. I also know that it is hard for me to trust folks and I don’t let many in. I let Amy in and trust her implicitly, but only after she gained my trust and confidence that she wouldn’t judge, or badger or try to control etc.

          • I agree he doesn’t let many people in. He is the opposite of me in terms of communication and openness… he’s told me in the past I’m the only person he can talk to the way he does.

  5. I’m a Tony fan, but you know that already….no doubt the communication speed is going to take patience, and may never be the way you need or want it to be, even if you do end up in a longer term relationship.

    Fuck it, stick with it, give him the full shot and stop worrying for, oh, a month…and see if it helps you feel any better to just tell yourself not to worry yourself in a frenzy over the next month for any reason….

    I am so the blind leading the blind, or the blonde leading the blonde, however you look at it…

  6. I love your recognition that a relationship is sometime not a process that can be planned (we are at Point A and anticipate arriving at Point B at 0800 hours). Sometimes relationships ebb and flow, wander off track. It’s a rambling journey without a destination. I think that looseness and lack of “a plan” is what makes you anxious. Stop trying to label it, enjoy it and when it’s no longer fun, move on. Focus on being the cool, smart, fun woman that he adores. The rest will work itself out. Kudos for the thought process.

    • HOW CAN I NOT HAVE A PLAN?????

      Lol yes, you got it exactly right. I’m working on what you say. In fact, I have actually chilled out a lot with him because I know if I end up being my hyper planner self it just doesn’t work… and it hasn’t killed me.

      • LMAO – this will be good for you. Letting go and not being able to control the situation is actually really good for you. Oh boy, I’m sitting on the edge of my seat for this story to unfold!

        • I agree! I know not knowing where this goes (I’m not talking especially about Ann here, but I am as well) is quite interesting! And it’s teaching me a lot about myself along the way… what more could I want?

          • Wait a minute — you are trying to plan again. Don’t look for the end, enjoy the moment. I know that’s really, really hard, but I think Tony is an “in the moment” guy, so that’s the only place to be. I think. Who knows – I could be full of shit and bad advice too. LOL

          • Nah your advice is pretty good. I did write a follow up post about a discussion I had with him – I needed to try to get my brain to stop being in that rabbit hole. It did work, and I don’t think much damage was done by my line of questioning.

            But I’m back to reminding myself that nobody really knows what’s going to happen in relationships so while I do need to feel somewhat secure, I can’t plan the future.

  7. I’ve often said that I dated a lot of great guys, but we were never on the same page. The hubbs and I, always on the same page. It’s a big factor in a good relationship I think. Also, the hubbs is laconic at best. My dad said a few weeks ago (and the hubbs and I have almost 15 yrs together), [he] doesn’t like me much does he? I said why would you say that!! He loves you! But, he doesn’t talk much or often and people that do not know that as well may see it as unattentiveness. That’s simply not true! If you know what’s in his mind and heart and believe it, that’s important

    • I have learned to not put my own frame of reference on Tony’s behavior as much as I used to. I do try to take him at his word and recognize he’s never going to be a big communicator or particularly expansive in his praise.

      But he always reaches out and wants to see me. So that has to count for something.

  8. Love hurts doesn’t it. A little bit of jealousy never hurt anyone it just shows you truly care.
    Fear on the other hand is one that should not exist. You either go full throttle or not at all. Soon as fear comes around the corner cracks are forced.

    Still one cannot unlove it is so true.
    Hope he can make up his mind. And is ready to leave that fear behind.

    Not sure if it was all a good thing you coming back together after fox. But I am not one to live your life or tell you how to.. I do hope you find that commitment you desire.

  9. I love this post and it makes me happy for you. I’m not much for “chick flicks” but in the year and a half or so that I’ve followed your blog I feel like I’m watching something akin to The Notebook unfold through your posts. The fact that you allow a bunch of anonymous but well meaning strangers comment and offer advice is also incredible.

    • I spent much of my day today in the hospital with my son – who literally ran into a brick wall and his face lost – so I have to say your comment is very well timed and has put a smile on my face. Thank you.

      I can only hope for a love story like the Notebook to unfold in my life. I’m glad you have faith!! And I feel like I have true advisors here… none of you have anything to gain or lose in giving me advice, and everyone has their own frame of reference. Hearing different perspectives really helps me and I take them to heart. How else can I grow and learn??

      I feel blessed to have people willing to spend their time reading my thoughts and actually giving me their opinions.

      xo

  10. YES ANN!!!!! OMG YES!!!! This is what I believe! Tony sounds like your guy! (again, I haven’t read comments, I am swayed easily sometimes) I truly feel you have the connection you need with Tony, it is just gonna take HIS time to get you guys in sink….
    I can’t tell you how happy this post makes me!

    • I SOOOOO want it to work with him. Because yes, we have an awesome connection. I just hope things can continue to progress and I can find the trust and faith I need to let things move slowly.

      I’m so happy I can make you happy πŸ™‚

  11. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here Ann, but congratulations. I think you have found that (very) fine line between self worth and sharing which makes relationships worth it. (I’m envious). Just for the record a male point of view on non communication: Men (and this includes me so I’m looking at your comments to gain the female perspective) seem to have a piece of mechanism somewhere between there brain and lips which interpret their words. So what sounded good in our head doesn’t always mean our lips agree when the words are released. Not an excuse but something males have to work on (very hard).
    Better days are coming I believe and am happy for you.

    • Thank you so much, David.

      I do think Tony suffers from that sometimes. Or he’s joking with me and he doesn’t always realize when he’s hit a nerve. But I also can’t really share with him all that I’m feeling and worried about… I think the intensity would make him retreat really quickly.

      In the past I recognize I would speak in the heat of the emotion which isn’t always advisable. So being with him forces me to work on not doing that… but I feel the balance has swung too much in the other direction.

What do you think?